- Member Since 23rd Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
TittySparkles
TittySparkles is pretty based, writes great porn that I can rub one off to on a weekly basis, and she has no problem telling societies leftie rejects to fuck off. - Anonymous
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I knew that pic would spawn a fic before too long. Glad it was you that did it, Tits.
Someone have the link to the photo used?
5069807
"Tits" as a nickname is either the greatest thing in the world or the worst thing to call your girlfriend.
5069861
It's against the rules to link to NSFW content.
Search Derpibooru for the artist "xennos"
5069966
I'l see if I can find it.
But I must ask, You do know you can send it in a PM, right?
5069912
I call my wife that. Daily.
>Tittysparkles
>Sex
>???
>Featured!
I BLOODY CALLED IT!
There is no reason you should not have used a contraction, especially because you end up using it later:
Why did you do it here, but not there?
tell tell tell tell beige beige beige beige
Either do the funetik acksent or don't do it.
Not even 200 words into this and I feel the same way.
This is a needlessly complex way of saying "the sound of jingling bits piqued her curiousity". There's stuff like this all over the fic.
Honestly, there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said about your writing by others, Titty. It's just super-telly, super-beige, and super disinteresting. Ninety-nine percent of the people who read this will upvote it for the idea and won't pay attention, sure, but c'mon. You gotta put some effort into it.
...
Four people edited this.
Four people.
Four fucking people went over lines like this:
Four goddamn people went over lines like that, went over telly, beige, boring stuff like that, and said "oh, sure, that's fine!", and four people should fucking know better. I know you guys know each other and are a tightly-knit group of friends, but Jesus, it's not like you're asking them if you look fat in a dress! It's editing! It's okay to tell you that your prose is boring! It's okay to say that "this isn't good", and it is not okay to simply look something over, especially when you're someone like Regidar who's a decent writer, see something like
and go
C'mon, guys. Step it up. I expect better of ya'll and I wanna start getting it.
>no human tag
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw842_applejack%2Bis%2Bdisappoint.gif
5070116 Xd does she want to murder you afterwards? lol jk
5070657 Generic "you", replaceable by "one".
5070803
Nope. After six years of marriage, you have to flick the jab.
5070602 Um, it isn't foalcon. It's horny teenagers.
Either way, this was a nicely done fic. I loved it.
5071035
Oh..... fixed
i want the full image of the cover image now....
5071775 me 2
5070657 In Hearts and Hooves Day, Scootaloo says girlfriend, not marefriend. Coltfriend/marefriend is fanon.
5071868 me 3
5072026 for scientific reasons
5071871
Fluttershy also repetitively yells "Girls" in The Stare Master. Apparently, you can just call every pony boy or girl, despite the fact that that refers to young offspring of the homo sapiens genome. Yes, I googled the definitions of boy and girl, which are both linked to the definition of child, which specifically refers to humans.
Alternatively, you can recognize as a fan that the word is, by definition, being used improperly and not simply put stock in the ceaseless group mentality that seems so prevalent throughout this site. I get the downvote bomb on my comment and the upvote bomb on your comment; I expect that whenever I notice the glaringly obvious shit on a do-no-evil author's story. Just please waste my time with something I hadn't already considered. TittySparkles' stories are, by definition, not canon, so trying to pull the "it happened in the show" thing for what I felt to be a serious suspension of disbelief issue doesn't make the issue magically disappear.
In a perfect world, you would realize that my comment was intended for the author, not someone with an opinion. The comments are for constructive feedback, not circlejerking. I know you have some kind of snarky reply; save it. My comment was for the author, not you.
5070952
Would you mind explaining to me?
Sir, I have no clue what you're alluding to.
Mmm, not bad indeed.
Had fun looking over this one.
~Skeeter The Lurker
So.
About that cover image.
Would there be a full version somewhere?
5072378 Go google, type Xennos click pictures there you go...
I liked this. There was, as always in your stories, a very nice amount of detail that went into it. There was also a good amount of emotion, which is also lacking in many other author's stories.
5072618
Thanks m80 but linking NSFW is not allowed, a mod's gonna replace your image with a cute, fluffy bunny.
5070630
[INSERT SCRUBS "WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE"]
This. Is a simple clopfic written in under an hour. Not a erotic novel which goes on and on and on. That's the quality of clopfics.
5072618 oboi that is great
I'd delete that link if I were you now, you might get banned
5073709
Thanks, didn't know that.
I took down the link.
No one saw a thing okay?!
5073840
Whatever floats your boat...
Yeah and I took down the link better save than sorry.
5072224 The comment I replied to sounded as though you were expecting this to be a 2nd person HiE fic. I was trying to explain that "you" can also be used generically to mean "(some)one", that's all.
Ah the return of the why boner.
WITH A VENGEANCE!!!
5070630
Fuckin really, shitlord!?
5073718
I only wish I could write nearly 6,000 words in under an hour.
I dunno why but i felt like AJ was going to barge in when they just finnished
5074282
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/12/128032/3319525-2417208301-Aluca.jpg
An excellent reference sir.
5074029
My gripe was the usage of boyfriend, rather than coltfriend, a dissonance which caused me to look for a human tag, and, upon not seeing a human tag, find that to be something strange. It's a personal issue, but as the comments are namely for finding issue with the contents of the fic, I felt I would share it nonetheless. 
Oh, no, I wasn't expecting that, heheh.
5070630
5074605
Wouldn't word it quite so harshly as Badgerpony did, but would submit that the prose could stand to be a bit tighter, particularly given the level of editing coverage the description claims. I guess that's not necessarily a function informal editing help provides, but either way it's something you may want to look at improving.
A fair number of sentences here feel... unnecessarily verbose. Either because they're trying to convey too much in a single sentence, or because they're just wording things the long way around instead of something quicker and tighter.
I feel really weird for saying 'tighter' in this context.
An example of this sort of thing:
You could probably have broken this up a bit, or left a couple of the descriptions to the imagination. Sometimes you just don't need, like, three separate actions and four descriptive phrasings in a single sentence, y'know?
-
The other major problem is that the prose tends to read in a really passive voice, insofar as the characters are rarely described as doing things. Instead, the descriptions tend to be more in the vein of objects, actions, or abstract feelings doing things to the characters. This... isn't necessarily bad, but the prose does it an awful lot, and it makes the characters feel super-passive. Like they're being led around by things that going on around them instead of actually doing or feeling things themselves.
This pops up an awful lot, and is probably the more glaring of the issues with the prose. There's a pretty solid explanation of the basic issue here, although the problem seems to extend to feelings and actions in general, beyond body parts moving without apparent direction from the character to which they're attached. And, generally, that tends to make the story feel... cold? Emotionless? Something like that.
Some examples:
This is one case where objects/feelings/actions do things to the characters, instead of characters doing things to objects, feeling feelings, or performing an action. AB's boredom leaves her. She doesn't feel any less bored. It's... her boredom leaving her, somehow.
(The other example quoted earlier is also an example of this sort of thing, in that it describes a sigh 'escaping Apple Bloom's lips' rather than Apple Bloom just sighing).
Just, in general, it feels in many places like the characters aren't actually in the bodies they're controlling, but are instead animate forces of will that have to direct their flesh-puppets to move, act, and feel. Rumble doesn't move up. He moves his face up. His lips wander upwards, seemingly on their own. Stuff like that.
I feel like trying to write things out such that characters do actions (instead of having actions done to them) could really help with the weirdly-disconnected tone of the prose. I was going to say weirdly-stiff there, but y'know.
Anyhow, that's just me and my thoughts. Good luck in your future efforts.
5074763 Why thank you good sir
5074605 Hah... It is official you can write a clop fiction about making love to a rock and it will still be a work of art.
Very fine job you did there. Loving every bits of it.
Even though the fact it just a total random pic of mine yet you still do manager to give it hella lot more interesting depths to it.
5074941
Obs, you dirty fiend, you! You are supposed to represent the Moral Minority, the few that stand to look at clop in spite and spit on its very image with better stories not involving sex!
But in all actuality, you writing a clop fic would be the day I go out of my way to read one.
5072029 It's actually not hard to find, use google images, and search for similar.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Why, back in Big Mac's youth, it was possible to pay a filly 35 cent equivalent in bits to let him see the filly's private. In the end it may have cost him a near dollar in bits, but he got to 'kiss it' with their penis, which was considered a deal, with the 'kiss' lasting over a minute. Fair trade. Eeyup.
Honestly can't see why Rumble couldn't have just been a curious brat who just wanted to sate curiosity by giving Apple Bloom what she wanted if she let him see stuff and pay more to go further.
I think this did too much whitewashing of something that could of played on more of the piquing curiosity of Rumble and mutual and possible eagerness to comply with such simple and silly curiosity for Apple Bloom to comply with and escalate things from there to possibly ending it with them becoming each others' special somepony when Rumble sadly replies with how he'd like to do that again some time but feeling she wouldn't want to be with him without enough bits.
Not all that interested in this one, aside from being an Apple Bloom clop, I just don't feel any connection to the characters. Not that CMC clop is bad, many can be funny or cute or pretty deep. Some rare few even all of the above. This one just doesn't resonate with me like your last clop with Vinyl and her brother.
Quite honestly the dialogue made me wanna gag at times. I don't know what you did wrong, but I swear it almost felt like your heart wasn't in this one, or it was just some random skype fun that got turned into a fic because someone wanted to see a quick Rumbloom fic or something, which I guess if our skype group is anything to go by that might just be the case here.
Not your best work. But best of luck next time. Don't worry about some of the harsher reviews. Not all of them can be winners. Please don't hate me for downvoting ya! It isn't because it's CMC clop, heaven knows I have a few favorites that I felt were awesome or hilarious! I just don't really think this an interesting story. Characters feel so hollow and not really believable. ><
5074282
5074763
I do believe this is what your looking for.
Psst... Lemme have that pic please?
Really enjoyed it! I don't notice any flaws. Solid thumbs up!!!!
can we haz prequel pleas, of first time...
i loved it it made me umm wet
So her day was bored?
They have a word for that, I think it's called hooker?