• Published 4th Sep 2014
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Beelzeboob: A Comedy of (Element) Bearers - kudzuhaiku

A unicorn summons up something from the underworld. He fails to specify which underworld...

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Chapter 2

“So this is it eh?” Beelzeboob said as he looked all around him. It was a small apartment, upstairs, above a shop that sold magical novelties, jokes, and gags. “This is nice. Much better than anything you’d find in Jersey or New York. You know, I want to complain about something, but I really can’t find anything to bitch about,” he said.

Princess Celestia sighed, having gave up on correcting Beelzeboob for his profanity. “Your puppy will be delivered soon. I know you will be kind to it. Walk it frequently, give it exercise, and I will have special kibble delivered as well. Which reminds me, what do you eat? This is a question that should have been asked at some point. Are you omnivorous?” Celestia inquired. “Do you eat meat?”

“Oh geez lady! What do you take me for? Some kind of horrible monster? Ugh! No I don’t eat meat, that’s disgusting. I grew up on the east coast around very militant moonbat liberals!” Beelzeboob cried as he shivered. “I do eat cheese though. I eat a lotta cheese. I’m told it is because of my infernal nature. Something about my kind likes the corrupted and rotted life giving liquids of another.”

“I see,” Celestia sighed, feeling somewhat disgusted, now having a very different opinion about cheese and feeling a bit more repulsed by Beelzeboob.

“Mostly, I survived on cheese doodles, microwaved bean and cheese burritos from Seven Eleven, and cigarettes. And oh man am I jonesing for a smoke,” Beelzeboob muttered. “Oh and honey. I love honey. Delicious bee vomit on toast.”

“I will have groceries delivered to you for a while. Eventually, you will need to purchase your own. We shall have to find you a job. Secure you a means of employment. Surely you have some skills that will be desirable to somepony,” Celestia said in shuddering horror, mentally swearing to never eat honey again. “I need to go. I need to slip out of Ponyville before dawn. If I am discovered, or I shall be mobbed by my adoring subjects.”

“Keee-rist lady you sure are full of yourself,” Beelzeboob grumbled halfheartedly, having trouble saying anything bad. It still tumbled out of his lips anyway and he cringed.

“You honestly cannot help it, can you?” Celestia asked.

Beelzeboob bit down on his lip and and looked at Celestia pleadingly, not wanting to answer.

“Maybe we will find a way to help you. Even Discord, as bad as he was, has found purpose here among us, and he now knows some measure of peace,” Celestia said, looking upon Beelzeboob with pity. “Twilight Sparkle will be by to check on you regularly. I believe she plans to introduce you to her friends,” she added as she headed for the door.

“You’re not bad for a talking horse,” Beelzeboob blurted out.

Celestia smiled. “You are most welcome. You wanted to say thank you, did you not?” She pulled open the door and there was a small green mare with a raised hoof, ready to knock upon the door.

“Oh. Hello. I was going to see what the commotion was,” the green mare said as she looked up at Celestia. “Princess something or other, right?”

“Princess Celestia,” Celestia said in a faint tone of annoyance.

“Yeah. Whatever. I’m a peasant, you’re a princess, we move in very different social circles, why should I bother remembering you when you are completely unaware that I exist?” the mare inquired.

Feeling miffed and looking a bit irked, Celestia lifted her head proudly and looked down at the purple maned and green pelted mare. “And what is your name?” she said in a regal voice.

“Elphaba Trot, not that matters to you,” the mare replied in a flat monotone.

“I don’t think she’s the least bit impressed by you,” Beelzeboob pointed out in a low whisper. “Aaaaawkward.”

“Elphaba Trot, this is Beelzeboob. He could use a friend. Do you think you could show him around a bit?” Celestia said, introducing the two and hoping to secure Beelzeboob an acquaintance.

“What is he? Some of kind of winged monkey goat thing?” Elphaba questioned.

Beelzeboob fell over onto the floor and roared with laughter. He clutched his sides and guffawed, tears streaming from his eyes, which were squeezed shut.

“Miss Trot, he is a visitor to our world. He is a little abrasive but he isn’t bad,” Celestia replied.

“Does he have two tails?” Elphaba asked.

“Oh bother,” Celestia said, not bothering to turn and look around. “The breeches have failed to contain the beast. I shall have to speak with Rarity perhaps.”

“That isn’t a tail,” Elphaba deadpanned. “You sir, have very talented genitalia,” she observed.

Beelzeboob was wheezing now as he chortled, banging on the floor with his six fingered fist.

“I must go. I shall leave you two to become acquainted,” Celestia said, stepping through the door and brushing past Elphaba, now in a hurry to leave. As she departed, she made the mistake of turning to give a final glance to Beelzeboob. Something waved goodbye to her and she quickly snapped her head around, feeling a hot unwanted blush flooding her cheeks.

Elphaba let herself into the apartment, hopped up onto the small sofa, and then studied the weird winged monkey goat thing on the floor, which had composed himself a bit and was now staring up at her. “You’re weird. When the others see you, they are going to panic. Mares will scream and run away from you. They will hide their foals. The weak minded will faint. You should see how they treat the zebra.”

“There is a zebra?” Beelzeboob inquired.

Elphaba nodded. “There is a zebra. Her name is Zecora. And she makes the ponies freak out because she is basically a pony with stripes.”

“Funny, Princess Celestia didn’t mention anything about this. She seemed to think I’d be welcomed here,” Beelzeboob said.

The green mare snorted, a sound of equine cynicism. “She literally lives in an ivory tower on top of a mountain, and you took her word for it? What a moron,” Elphaba said in a flat dull voice. “She has no idea what goes on here.”

Beelzeboob peered at the little green pony, finding that he liked her a great deal. She wasn’t nearly as annoying as some of the others that he had met so far, like the purple pain in the ass, Twilight Sparkle.

“You have a broom on your butt,” Beelzeboob observed.

“I am a peasant. I was born to sweep the street. So that is what I do. It’s a living,” Elphaba said in a voice devoid of emotion. “And stop staring at my butt.”

“Well, you are naked,” Beelzeboob.

“So?” the mare replied.

“Nevermind…” Beelzeboob muttered.

“I don’t have many friends. I am not very popular,” Elphaba said. “I think the last pony who lived here moved away because of me. Hard to say for sure. I tend to say exactly what I mean and ponies don’t like me for some reason.”

“Hey, we have the same problem,” Beelzeboob said, now smiling.

“I am also a hermaphrodite, and that scares ponies. Nopony wants anything to do with me, I figured I’d get that right out in the open. So if you want me to go, I’ll leave,” Elphaba offered.

“Look lady, I have a prehensile penis with mind of its own… I am the last person to hate on somebody because of problematic penises popping up unexpectedly,” Beelzeboob replied.

Elphaba smiled faintly and settled into the couch. “You don’t seem so bad,” she said wryly.

“Uh lady, I wouldn’t say that. I bring out the worst in people. And you ponies. Nobody ever likes me for any length of time because I am an insufferable ingrown dick hair,” Beelzeboob said in acerbic tones.

Elphaba laughed and then covered her mouth with her hoof. She quickly regained her composure and resumed her flat almost dead expression.

“So if I go outside of my door and walk around, what is going to happen?” Beelzeboob inquired, trying to make conversation.

“Bedlam. Anarchy. Helter skelter. The ponies are going to take one look at you and freak out. A few might like you though. Discord might like you. He’s a draconequus,” Elphaba answered.

“What the hell is a baconequus or whatever it is?” Beelzeboob asked.

The green mare snorted once, then twice, and then a third time, looking thoroughly embarrassed with herself for doing so. “Discord is a spirit of chaos and disharmony. He is a mixed up jumble of animal parts. Like you. You two would probably get along. I like Discord and we talk sometimes. He offered to fix me once out of misguided kindness. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t broken.”

“You know, this is really weird, but it isn’t often I can just sit down and talk to people. Most people don’t want anything to do with me. You don’t seem bothered by me at all or the vibe I give off. You are already cynical, bitter, and probably hate life as much as I do,” Beelzeboob remarked.

“Oh, I don’t hate life. I just resent it a little bit for making me what I am. An ugly green mare with a broomstick on my butt and fear inducing nether regions. Hating life would be overreacting,” Elphaba groused.

“See, you understand that being a bitch is a good thing,” Beelzeboob said, raising his hand and extending his index finger to touch his chin. “And I bet you are just as much of a bitch as I am a bastard.”

“Maybe,” Elphaba said. “But it isn’t like I go out of my way to be unpleasant. This is just the way I am. I am surrounded by idiots, morons, and cretins that tell me that I need to be happy about life and I should feel fulfilled because I know what my destiny is because I have a broomstick on my butt,” she deadpanned.

“I became a bastard because I didn’t have a choice. I was born a bastard. And then, things got complicated because of my father. He made me how I am. How I look. And suddenly through no fault of my own, I am the sworn enemy of some old petty tyrant god named Yahweh who I didn’t think was real in the first place, but boy was I wrong. And I get a bunch of assholes with wings bullying me and telling me that one day they are going to chain me up in some dark hole and bury me away forever. No chance at redemption, no chance at salvation, through no fault of my own, I was born irredeemable. Hey, I wonder if the old hebrew cocksucking bastard can even reach me here…” Beelzeboob ranted.

Elphaba shrugged, and there was a soft faint smile on her face. It was a cynical bitter smile, but it lingered. “Being a pony is no better. We get our cutie mark and that’s it. We’re stuck. Some of us are born and we get to become princesses. And then, there are ponies like me who are born with a broom. We have no hope of a good life. We have get to have no great dreams or desires. What you get is what defines you in life. And it all seems terribly random and unfair.”

“Life sucks!” Beelzeboob said. “Life really does suck. I am stuck in a land full of pastel ponies that are going to hate me because of how I look and I have to find a job so I can pay my own way.”

“That’s going to be difficult,” Elphaba said.

“What? Why? Celestia said I’d need to find a job!” Beelzeboob returned.

“Again, arrogant pompous windbag, ivory tower. Nopony hires anypony unless they have the right cutie mark for the job and you don’t have a mark. Nopony is going to know what you are good at. By the way, what are you good at?”

“Well, I am an accomplished thief and a pickpocket. My tail is really good about fishing things out of people’s pockets as they go by. Damnit, ponies don’t have have pockets!” Beelzeboob shouted, coming to a sudden realisation.

“Anything else?” Elphaba asked.

“My penis is a kleptomaniac and is constantly pulling things down into my pants if it can reach them,” Beelzeboob replied.

“You have a very talented penis. Alas, mine has no such talent. Mine has the remarkable gift of keeping me alone and unloved, scaring away the few ponies I had hoped would look past how I was on the outside. We’re no longer on speaking terms, my penis and I,” Elphaba said in nasal monotone.

“Crap. What the fuck am I supposed to do for a job if nobody will hire me because I don’t have a butt picture of purposeful employment? Celestia didn’t say shit about this!” Beelzeboob said in a somewhat panicked voice. “I don’t want to be homeless again… I don’t want to be a vagrant anymore!”

“Calm down. I know a pony named Mjölna. She’s been looking for a helper. In a few hours, you and I will go talk to her. Sometimes, for extra bits, I do manual labour for her. She’s a blacksmith,” Elphaba said. “She is also crazy.”

“Well shit. I guess I’ll take what I can get. I got a puppy to look after,” Beelzebub muttered.

Author's Note:

Ugh, this is a bad story, and I feel bad for posting it. I feel even worse, because I know where it is going. Don't worry, this will be kinda short. And horrible. Oh Goddess this is going to be horrible.

Still not as bad as Cheesy though.

Any typos?

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