• Published 4th Sep 2014
  • 1,280 Views, 71 Comments

Beelzeboob: A Comedy of (Element) Bearers - kudzuhaiku

A unicorn summons up something from the underworld. He fails to specify which underworld...

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Chapter 1

Beelzeboob had trouble accepting the fact that he was dealing with a talking horse that had wings and a horn. And to top it off, the nag was impossibly arrogant and haughty. She was glaring at him even now, while he did something as harmlessly innocent as picking his nose.

Flicking his booger away with an annoyed sneer, he glared at the pony that called herself Princess Celestia. “Look here toots, do I look human to you?” he asked in a leering voice.

“Well no, but we have established that,” Celestia replied, looking horrified at the atrocious manners of the thing before her.

“We should send it to Tartarus!” Princess Twilight Sparkle shouted in suggestion.

“Look lady, I’ve been to both Hell and New Jersey, whatever your Tartarus might be, it doesn’t scare me,” Beelzeboob snarked. “I can’t help what I am, and it was one of you talking horses that brought me here.”

“We are ponies,” Princess Celestia gently corrected, trying tact once again.

“Ponies who conjure demons,” Beelzeboob grumbled.

“So you admit it! Tartarus!” Twilight crowed.

“I ain’t no demon either!” Beelzeboob protested. “I didn’t even ask to be here!”

“So you are not a human, but you are not a demon. We can establish that you are something in between. You have the hind legs of a goat, the tail of a goat, you have what appeared to be vestigial bat-like wings, and you have horns,” Celestia said as she studied the creature sitting in the chair before her.

“You forgot these,” Beelzeboob said helpfully as he held up his hand. He had four fingers and two thumbs, one on each side of his palm. “I wasn’t always like this you know. When I was born, I was normal. I didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t know that I was ‘mixed’ until one day the change started, and then I started getting harassed by a bunch of assholes with wings and bullied by others who looked like me but worse.”

“I am unsure of what to do with you,” Celestia stated.

“Look, toots, I didn’t want to be here. You don’t have a right to judge me,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “One of your stupid one horned mules thought it would be funny to conjure up a demon and now I am here in this magical place full of talking pastel ponies. He failed to specify which underworld to summon a demon from. I was in Hell, trying to deal with the bureaucracy, and harass my dad for back child support.”

Celestia paused and looked very thoughtful for moment, and then her lips moued. She stared at Beelzeboob and cocked her head. “How old are you exactly?” she asked.

“I am fifteen years of age lady, geeze, what's it to ya?” Beelzeboob replied.

“You seem older,” Celestia argued.

“I was in my late twenties when the change happened,” Beelzeboob explained. “And then, BAM! I am small again, a helpless infant who is all grotesque and fucked up beyond belief.”

“Language please,” Celestia urged. “Do continue.”

“So anyhoos, suddenly I’m an infant again and I am collected by a couple of special child welfare agents. And I am taken to a special orphanage in New Jersey for kids like me. I ran away like most of us do and wandered around. There are more of us than anybody cares to admit. Then I found out about my parentage,” Beelzeboob explained. “Not long after that, I found my father named me as an idiot. Turns out my kind have no choice over our names. If I try to say my name as anything but Beelzeboob, that is the only word that comes out of my mouth.”

“Names have power,” Celestia said, showing a bit of pity for the first time.

“Look lady, I don’t want your sympathy,” Beelzeboob mumbled.

“That may be so, but you have it,” Celestia said gently. “Twilight Sparkle, surely you could show a little sympathy as well.”

“Why? Look at him? He’s disgusting!” Twilight snapped.

“Twilight Sparkle! For shame!” Celestia scolded.

Twilight scowled. It had been a long time since she had been scolded, and she had forgotten how much it stung to have her mentor chastise her. She looked up at Celestia apologetically and made a very foalish “meep” sound.

“Man, I could really use a cigarette,” Beelzeboob grumbled.

“Whats a cigarette?” Celestia inquired.

“It’s a little… oh crap this is worse than Hell. Never mind lady,” Beelzeboob said in annoyance.

“If there are things you actually need we can try to help you. Perhaps a gesture of kindness would encourage you to behave a little better,” Celestia offered.

“I need a strong drink. Got any booze?” Beelzeboob asked.

“Things you need, not things you want,” Celestia said with a wry smile.

“DEMONSPAWN! FOUL CREATURE OF THE UNDERWORLD! FIE UPON THEE!” Princess Luna cried as she exploded through the large double doors. She flew through the air, soaring like a majestic blue meteor, her front hooves extended. She struck Beelzeboob with titanic force, instantly gibletising him all over the floor.

“Luna how could you?” Celestia asked of her sister, her voice bleeding disappointment in her sibling.

“He’s still alive,” Luna whined. “I got carried away… I detected a little evil and I might have overreacted,” she confessed.

“Ya think?” Beelzeboob snarled as Twilight Sparkle levitated his head in her telekinesis.

“Well, you are still alive!” Luna whimpered.

“By the gods functional immortality SUCKS!” Beelzeboob shouted.

“I’ve had the same problem,” Celestia said comfortingly as she picked up a wiggling cloven hoof.

“You know lady, you might just be my new favourite person. Horse. Pony. Somebody that understands my pain,” Beelzeboob muttered.

“To be fair, you look very evil, and once I came through the doors and saw you, it confirmed my suspicions,” Luna whined apologetically.

“You bitch! You hit like a city bus!” Beelzeboob growled.

“Language!” Celestia snapped.

Feeling petty, Luna stomped down upon Beelzeboob’s still twitching tail, which made all of the body parts twitch and caused Beelzeboob to cry out.

“Luna! Go to your room!” Celestia commanded.

“You’re not my mother!” Luna shouted in reply.

“Well right now you are acting like a foal! Now go!” Celestia bellowed in a most unladylike manner.

“No!” Luna shouted. “He called me a female dog! I’m a pony!” she whined.

“You stepped on my tail you big dumb broad!” Beelzeboob shouted.

“I am not broad! Now he is calling me fat!” Luna protested. “THOU ART A LIAR!”

“LUNA! ROOM! NOW!” Celestia shouted, now at the end of her patience.

“Always giving me time outs sister,” Luna said angrily and then vanished.

“How do we put you back together?” Twilight Sparkle inquired.

“Just toss everything together in a vaguely Beelzeboob shaped pile and give me a while,” Beelzeboob replied in sarcastic bitter voice.

“Does it hurt?” Twilight asked.

“Does it hurt… does it hurt… does it hurt? Of course it hurts you festering tit!” Beelzeboob roared. “Oh goddamnit, of all the times this has to happen, I think my ass wants to take a shit!”

Twilight Sparkle dropped the head she was holding on the floor and looked disgusted. It landed with a meaty thump and a wet sounding splat, rolled a few feet, and ended up face down upon the floor.

“Ow thith hurths,” Beelzeboob protested.

“Twilight, how could you?” Celestia said in shock.

“How are you not disgusted by him?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, I am disgusted by him, but I also pity him,” Celestia replied.

“Bith!” Beelzeboob shouted face first into the floor.

“One more instance of vulgarity I will allow the royal guard to use your head for hoofball practice,” Celestia threatened.

“How about instead of Tartarus we just flush him?” Twilight suggested.

“Twilight Sparkle! He is a minor spirit of disharmony! Haven’t you figured it out? He can’t help the effect he has on others! You dimwitted little suckup teachers pet!” Celestia snapped. There was a loud “thud!” and then she covered her mouth with her fetlock and froze, her eyes wide with horror. After a long moment of frozen silence, she turned her head to look at Twilight Sparkle.

Her former student had fainted and fallen to the floor.

It never got any easier, growing back together after being dismembered. He had been ripped apart a few times, and now he was sitting in the most comfortable chair he had ever sat in during his entire life. He almost felt sorry about his crass behaviour.

“I really am sorry that my sister dismembered you,” Celestia said again.

“I bring out the worst in people around me, I can’t help it,” Beelzeboob said, the closest the had ever come to a sincere apology. “People always say exactly what they feel about other people when I am around. Total honesty, which is why honesty sucks. Society would fall apart if everybody was honest with one another.”

“I do not know if that is true,” Celestia gently argued as she stroked her still comatose former student.

“Look lady, no bullshit, you said exactly how you really felt to that purple pain in the ass there,” Beelzeboob stated, his tail twitching and swishing from side to side in cat-like boredom. “You really do believe she is dimwitted, otherwise you wouldn’t have said that. And anypony can tell from looking at her that she is a suckup, a first class suckup.”

Celestia scowled and looked guilty. “She is young and inexperienced compared to my thousands of years of wisdom, but I don’t think she is dimwitted,” Celestia retorted, now sounding slightly annoyed again as she looked down at Twilight Sparkle.

“I wish I wasn’t this way,” Beelzeboob said sulkily.

“Perhaps we can help you… there is a major spirit of disharmony that has been reformed. Maybe we could help you be better, find a way for you to be happy. Maybe have a friend,” Celestia said in hopeful optimistic tones.

“I made a nun commit homicide,” Beelzeboob remarked in disheartened tones.

“You actually sound regretful,” Celestia said.

“Well, I want what everybody else wants… I am not exactly evil you know, you stuck up broad,” Beelzeboob retorted.

Celestia raised her eyebrow and sighed. “I am going to help you. As we speak, I am having a very special puppy delivered to us. I think looking after a puppy would be a good start for you. He is named Cerberus the Second. A puppy will love you unconditionally. I hope,” she explained.

A genuine smile broke on Beelzeboob’s face. He couldn't remember the last time he had smiled and actually meant it in some worthwhile way. For a brief moment, his sarcasm faded away. “I always wanted a puppy,” he confessed in a small fragile voice.

“Ah, there is hope for you yet!” Celestia said, barely able to contain her happiness.

The door opened and a very subdued looking Luna slipped into the room. “I have been eavesdropping,” she admitted. “It is quite easy to bring out the worst in me.”

“It is rough being the worthless sister that nobody likes,” Beelzeboob stated.

Luna curled back her lip in a snarl and made a choking sound. “Inspite of your outbursts, I have decided to help you as well. I will do what I can to find suitable ponies that might enjoy a bit of sarcasm so you can make friends.”

“Yeah, least you can do after you turned me into a pile of limbs and a torso. Do you have any idea how hard it is to regrow a penis or how much it hurts?” Beelzeboob snarked.

“Um, about that, while we tend go around naked, I do feel that it might be better for you to wear some clothing. You walk upright and your anatomy… is frightening,” Celestia said in a strained voice.

“It is prehensile,” Beezleboob bragged. “Just like my tail. I can write my name with both of them,” he said with a suggestive saucy wink. “I can’t control it when it waves hello at people. Just like my tail, it has a mind of its own. Honest!” he added, crossing a clawed finger over his heart.

“So we will get you some clothing and right now, I have agents securing you a residence in a place called Ponyville,” Celestia said.

“Sister, his genetalia is saucily mocking me. I just know it,” Luna insisted.

“Luna, let it rest. It has been waving at me for the past half an hour and trying to get my attention. His urethra even tried moving about like a tiny mouth, opening and closing, mimicking my every word,” Celestia said to her sister.

“That’s horrid!” Luna cried. “And yet so mesmerising…”

“Well, it is certainly intriguing,” Celestia said. She paused and the corner of her eye twitched. The white pony began to turn pink all over. “I hate you so much right now, Beelzeboob.”

Author's Note:

If there is enough interest in this, I might continue it. Maybe. We shall see.

If you liked this, you should feel bad.