• Published 4th Sep 2014
  • 10,882 Views, 571 Comments

Lyra Is Crazy: Many Months Of Mommy Madness - Masterweaver



Lyra wants a baby. Bonbon is a changeling. What could possibly go wrong?

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Lyra Is Plotting: The Second Month Is Silly

"Okay okay okay." Lyra bit her lip as she levitated a pencil in her golden aura. "Baby things. What do foal need?"

"Food, diapers, a crib, and attention."

The unicorn looked up at her wife in astonishment. "How did you know all that?"

"I was once assigned to replace a child with a drone." Bonbon shrugged awkwardly. "It was... required reading."

"Oh, right, the whole ex-spy thingy. Right, gotcha." Lyra scribbled some things down on the list. "Okay, so that's necessities. Now what do I want to pamper our little bundle of joy with?"

"...Sorry, what?"

"Toys, Bonnie!" Lyra threw up her hooves. "Toys and mobiles and whatever you give newly hatched changelings, I don't want to leave your side of the equation out."

"Some of the hatch-tenders will allow the nymphs to chase after mice that enter the nest," Lace offered in a deadpan tone.

"WHAT?!"

"A pet!" Lyra grinned, scribbling something down. "That's a great idea, thank you Lace!"

"That wasn't a pet she was describing, that was prey!"

The unicorn tilted her head. "...I thought Lace chose to be a guy?"

"I adopted a male persona during my initial infiltration due to the common view of the royal guard. I have no actual preference in that regard."

"Yeeeeup, but Equestrian is a gendered language." Lyra levitated a coin out of her saddlebags. "Suns you're a guy, moons you're a girl, deal?"

Lace stared at the coin for a few seconds.

"It's a coin spin," Bonbon explained helpfully. "She's going to set it spinning and then let go, and whichever side ends up on top determines the result."

"...Very well, it seems fair enough."

"Excellent!" Lyra set the coin on edge atop the table and with one final magical flick let it go. "Man I haven't done this in...."

She paled suddenly, tossing her notepad to Bonbon and running out of the room. "Oh marzipan-- hrk!"

Lace allowed one of her eyeplates to raise. "Is she ill?"

"I've been informed that 'morning sickness,' as it is called, is a vital part of pony pregnancy."

"How unusual--" Lace's ears perked suddenly. "Somebody is outside."

There was a knock at the door. Bonbon stood up. "How did you--?"

"It does not matter." Lace shifted into her guard form. "I will answer it."

"I'll come with you." Bonbon put on her makeup. "It is my home after all, and after that Pinkie swarm... Well, I just want to make sure of things."

Lace glanced at her momentarily with an unreadable expression. "...very well."

The two changelings, coin forgotten, cautiously made their way to the foyer. Lace stood to one side, giving Bonbon a single nod. The cream mare took a deep breath, steadying her nerves, and reached for the door handle. Each hinge gave a perfectly pitched creak as the door was slowly swung open.

"Corporal Arsenic, ma'am." A dark-coated unicorn nodded at her. "I've been assigned to protect Miss Heartstrings during her pregnancy by Princess Celestia. I take it you are Bonbon?"

"Ah." Bonbon glanced at Lace and received a slow blink. "Yep. That's me." She stepped aside. "Would you like to come in? Lyra is currently indisposed, morning sickness..."

"OH CINNAMON MY THROAT FEELS LIKE GLURRAUGUGUAAAAAAAAAHRRRRRRFFFFF!!!!"

"She also has a tendency to overexaggerate," Bonbon added casually. "She's fine. Or will be, soon enough."

"AUUUUUGUH BLUUUUGHA FURGLAWHON...."

"I hear she attacked Shining Armor once," Arsenic commented as he entered, looking around with a critical eye.

"Well, technically she attacked some guards before Shining got to her, but she did call him a coward for holding her away from him with his magic--"

Arsenic narrowed his eyes as he caught sight of the other guard. "Excuse me, but... I was informed that I was the only pony assigned to protect you two."

"Oh! Um, this is Lace. She's, uh, actually a changeling that offered to keep us safe after Lyra got pregnant." Bonbon smiled broadly. "Strange but true!"

"I apologize for the deception," Lace interjected smoothly. "Ponies simply react better to royal guards in general, and I don't want to intimidate the natives with my natural form."

The guards stared at each other for a long while. Bonbon bit her lip, unsure what to say. Lyra, for her part, was more focused on her stomach.

"...very well then." Arsenic held out a hoof. "Perhaps you and I can discuss our arrangements later?"

"But of course." Lace bumped the hoof lightly. "Coordination is critical in our business, is it not?"

"I'll have to run a background check on you, just to be sure you're safe. Procedure, and all that."

Lace smiled. "Ah. I was one of the old shadow-guards. That might prove to be... difficult."

"Hmm."

Lyra chose that moment to wander into the foyer. "Oh hey! The guard has been doubled!"

Bonbon glanced at her. "Uh, Lyra, you got a little something on..."

"Oh." Lyra wiped a hoof at her mouth. "Nothing to worry about. It's all good. Anyway, I was looking over the list we were making and I thought 'Why not now?'" She put her saddlebags on with a broad grin. "So let's go shopping!"

"...what, right now?"

"Yes! Right now!" The minty unicorn giggled brightly. "Let me just get my bit bag together and we can head out to the market." She bounced into the living room.

Bonbon shut her eyes. "Five, four, three, two..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lyra galloped back into the foyer, flinging herself to the ground. "I PUT THE COIN BACK IN BEFORE SEEING WHAT SIDE LANDED UP!"

"And there it is." Bonbon nodded. "Gents, this is my wife."

"A pleasure to meet you, ma'am." Arsenic extended a hoof.

Lyra gave it a strange look. "...wait. Are you hitting on me?"

Bonbon sighed, rubbing her forehead. They hadn't even gotten out the door and already Lyra was doing something utterly insane. Oh well, maybe she'd get it out of her system before they hit the market.

***

"PLEEEEEEEEEASE!"

"No."

"Aw, Bonnity Bon, please please please please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"No."

"But I'm huuuuuuuungry! And it looks so good!"

"Lyra, there is no universe in which I would let you eat a cardboard box."

"We're buying the rompers anyway, can't I just--"

"When I say No, Lyra, I mean No." Bonbon gave her wife a pointed look. "You just threw up this morning, I'm not letting you stick something with no nutritional value in your stomach!"

"It has to have some nutritional value," Lyra grumbled angrily. "Look at Arsenic. He's been living off guard rations and he's stiff as a brick."

Arsenic rolled his eyes. "Actually, my mother made sure I ate all my hay every morning."

Lyra shot him a dark look that promised terrible things in the middle of his sleep on a moonless night. Arsenic countered with a smirk of utmost confidence. Lyra narrowed her eyes with a deadly warning. Arsenic shook his head dismissivly.

"Please stop flirting with my wife," Bonbon said as she calmly paid for the foal clothes. "You're our guard, not our concubine."

"What-- I wasn't--!"

"Hmm," Lyra mused. "He'd make an excellent concubine."

"And that's one for the job jar."

"Aw, come on Bonbon! I was just kidding--"

A cyan pegasus suddenly landed in front of the group, flicking some dirt out of her rainbow tail before giving them an awkward smile. "Hey there, Bonbon, Lyra! Er... Lace, I guess, and.... uh..." She tapped her hoof. "I could swear Twilight told me your name... new guy?"

The guard raised an eyebrow. "Corporal Arsenic."

"Okay, uh... that's an... interesting name...."

"It's a kind of poison, Rainbow Dash." Bonbon rolled her eyes. "Not whatever you were thinking."

"Wait, so it's all one word?"

Bonbon nodded, oblivious to the sudden fascination on Lyra's face as she started mouthing something to herself. "Yes. The corporal here is making sure the marketplace isn't filled with danger for two innocent mares out on--"

"Oh my gosh!" Lyra shouted. "That's horrible Dash! How could you even think that?!"

Rainbow blinked. "I uh... It... what?"

"His name!" The unicorn pointed at Arsenic. "That's just disgusting!"

There was an awkward pause.

"....aaaaaaanyway." Rainbow shook her head. "I was kinda thinking. You know how, uh, you kinda... the pheromone, thingy?"

Bonbon nodded slowly. "Yes. Um. Thank you for that by the way."

"And, um, I thought, you know, that sort of makes me... what, an aunt I guess?"

"Well..." The cream mare waggled a hoof. "Yeah, technically. I mean, Chrysalis laid both our eggs, but culturally Changelings don't really acknowledge that..."

"Yeah, that was... See, if I sort of had a part in... I was..." Rainbow kicked at the ground awkwardly. "Geeze. I'm not used to talking about this sort of thing."

"Of course you can be godmother, Rainbow," Lyra replied with a smile.

"Wait, what?!"

"Really?!" Rainbow Dash's face snapped up with a wide grin. "Oh, wow, thanks! I, uh, it's an honor of course, and, and, how about I, I dunno, I help you out while you're shopping?" She took Lyra's saddlebags and place them on her own back. "So, uh, what are we going to get next?"

Lyra shrugged. "Well, I was going to head over to the toy store and see if they had any foal-safe things--"

Dash saluted and zipped off.

"...and you just took my bit bag," Lyra finished. "Uh, Lace, would you mind going after her and telling her to meet us at the furniture store? We need to find a good crib."

Lace nodded, flapping her wings and taking off.

Bonbon sighed. "So, Rainbow Dash is now the godmother of our child. And you're buying rompers and toys--"

"And cribs. And mobiles!" Lyra grinned broadly. "Let's face it, Bonnie, our kid's going to get picked on a lot just cause they're a hybrid. Way I see it, we have to balance it out by being really loving parents, right?"

"...you really think giving them a whole lot of toys is going to somehow counter all the anti-changeling prejudice the'll get growing up?"

Lyra held up a hoof.... but let it drop with a sigh. "Bonbon... I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that it's our child, our firstborn, and... I just... I want to be able to cuddle them, be a good parent somehow, and I have no idea if I'll be good enough. Maybe, maybe spoiling them just a little will help. I mean... everybody loves good toys. And... let's be honest, you're the moral core in our family. I'm the crazy fun loving pony, I just..." She waved a hoof helplessly.

Bonbon pulled her ears back. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Oh, come here, you." Without any warning, she wrapped her hooves around Lyra and nuzzled her cheek. "You'll be great. I know it. And we'll... help each other where we fail, okay?"

"...I... Yeah." Lyra smiled as she hugged Bonbon back. "Thanks."

"Anytime. Um, now then." Bonbon broke the hug, blushing a bit. "As much as Arsenic probably loves watching two mares love each other in public, I, uh, think we should go buy some diapers."

"Sure thing. Actually, do Changelings even use diapers?"

"...We should DEFINITELY go buy some diapers."