Majestica (Edit)
Here I sat. No, wait...
Here I laid...
Shit.
Can we get a good start?
Fuck it.
I'm hanging by my feet which were bound by rope above a pool of holy magic.
Fun right? For you. Not for me, I'm a Lich. So that kinda, you know.
Kills.
Yeah, so, there's that.
Now I know you're wondering, "How'd our mystery proswagonist get in this deadly situation!?" Well it's not that simple. Okay it is. In short?
I dun goofed.
My name is Majestica, and as I stated before; I am a Lich.
Earlier that day I had been practicing spells, when suddenly I was being assaulted by a group a Paladin, a Priest, and an Archmagi. Though, I recognized the Archmagi, she was a hero who was making herself a large reputation. Specifically for reflecting things. But she was now rumored to be almost one of the strongest people alive.
Wink wink.
Alive.
Nudge nudge.
At that moment, I tossed all my brains out and became an arrogant dumbass.
In my arrogance, I without warning, threw a spell at one of the most powerful people alive, but that wasn't what got me here. No, what got me here was the fact that they had a great reputation for a reflex, to reflect. I don't mean to brag but… Okay, who am I kidding? I'm bragging hard here. I'm a pretty powerful person. Not very modest. But when you're as old as I am, you gain the right to brag!
Well, you don't really. But at the same time, I'd like to think so. A-Anyhow...
Now normally this wouldn't be a problem, even reflecting one of my lesser spells, the mage was out cold. Both of us had been, because that spell was a sleep spell. I had been marched to their base, and tied up, when I awoken, I was met with holy liquid.
Being dropped into the holy pool that was glowing golden wouldn't fully kill me, I'd come back. My execution sentence was to be had, which I was silently cheering for. Then sadly one of the paladins of the group (Who sounded like he had a tongue controlling problem.) elaborated that they'd have to find my phylactery. The rest of them were newbies, so they wouldn't really know about that little fact. Which brings me to now.
"Well Lich, spit it out! Shame the devil and tell the truth!" Did he actually just say that? Oh I think I heard that wrong.
"Excuse me knave, but did you just call me a bitch?" I asked calmly. The paladin in question blushed angrily, his face contorted into fury, he pointed at me indignantly.
"Number one, I am no knave! Second, you, a lich dare speak to me? I have no words for you. Lastly, no I called you by what you are, a Lich." I nodded in approval, to the last thing, but he took it as me 'knowing my place'. Now, I could actually probably get out of here just as easily, I was simply humoring them. After all, they didn't even add any anti-magic bubbles or anything. I could clearly move my arms and they used regular cuffs. This was beyond sad. "You're lucky Lich, I'm feeling forgiveness today so I'll let your little verbal assault slide." Whoa, the arrogance. Secondly, what I said was a verbal assault? I haven't even began.
"Oh great and holy knight, won’t you pwease let me go?" My voice echoed throughout the hall in the dank room, the only thing that made the room light was the pool of holy liquid. Speaking of which, how the fuck did they make that? The Paladin snorted at me. The nerve! Snorted at me!
"Sorry but- actually, I'm not sorry. No." The Paladin snarled at me with a vengeful anger. You know, I never did like paladins. Ironic, seeing as I used to be one of the greatest holy magic users in my time. Still, no need for him to go all ballistic on me. Actually, I take that back, Undead are seen as the scum of the earth to be slain. I used to think the same till I became one. Now I see the struggle is real.
"Touchy. Come on man, why can't you let me down?" I whined to him, the rest of the newbies who were teens, and just about all of them looked uncomfortable. The Paladin eyed me suspiciously, I don't know why he would be, he already knows I'm a Lich. What more could he want?
"You talk like a teenager, not a Lich. I don't like that. Why are you talking like that?" The Paladin scowled at me. Jeez, this guy, can he really be a paladin? He's always having a mean look on his face. Well, truthfully I had been hit with one too many spells that effected my mind. So luckily I didn't become a vegetable. But I'm not very mature. Awesome trade off, right?
"I thought you didn't have words for a Lich?" I teased him with a cheeky grin, not that he could see behind my shadow-faced enchanted hood. Though technically, a skull looked like it was always grinning. The Paladin's face looked funny, it was turning to a very angry shade of red. There's no way this guy was a paladin, but his getup sure made him look like so. Maybe he was just a warrior with a really shiny gear set. He even sounded heroic. Did I mention I hated heroes? Always a problem in the long run. Oh I forgot about the 'Paladin', who was now bristling with a newfound rage. He was pointing his sword at me! He wanted a duel? Well I'd-
BLAM!
I turned my attention to the source of the loud noise. Which interestingly enough seemed to be a whole platoon, leading the group was not one, but two Archmage, by the looks of their gear. And boy was one of them was out of shape. Oh, I don't mean she was fat. I mean the opposite, she was skinny, and pale. She was huffing as she looked like she had rushed herself to get here. The other one was fair skinned, and looked to be quite curvaceous. Brown hair, with pink streaks going through it, glowing pink eyes from magic, and all around a supermodel, but apparently she went the way of a mage. And got quite far too. Wait a second, the small frail one was the mage from earlier! White hair, red eyes, blue jacket with a hood. Yup, that was her alright. Fucking magi.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" The pink eyed one, was huffing with anxiety written all over her face. I half was tempted to get a marker and literally write the word 'Anxiety' all over her face. "Do you have ANY idea what you're doing?" The enraged paladin's face switched from anger to confusion quickly, he scratched his head.
"Talking down to a secured and bound Lich?" He half asked half told. The pink eyed one scowled at him.
"No, you're talking to an unbound Lich with absolutely NO magic suppression on it!" It? The nerve. I swear, some people. The paladin paled though. I tried to lift myself up, causing my hood to fall off, everyone tensed as they saw my skeletal face, the Paladin shakily held up his blade to my general area. What's he so afraid of?
Oh, me.
"Well, we can take him! There's all of us, and only one of him." The 'paladin' said shakily. I raised my eyebrows, to which he winced at.
The frail mage took charge. "You idiot, that's an SS classed Legendary monster! We'd need several archmagi to even damage him! In short-" The small one took a deep breath for something.
"EVERYONE BESIDES THE CAPTAIN AND MY PLATOON, FALL BACK! KEEP IT FROM GETTING TO THE CITY!"
I think they just made me out to be a pillager. Oh well; win some, lose some I suppose. Then let us begin!-
SCREEEEEEE
I found myself not able to use my magic, or move at all, as I was being realized the rope was indeed charmed, I'd been had. The mage was doing something I recognized all too much.
Opening a portal to the fucking void.
"Ah, fuck."
SCREEEEEEEE
"Nopenopenopenopenope!" I flailed around to get my legs out, the portal to the void was under me. There was only one solution: one way I knew how to save myself, since I knew how void portals worked; I myself, am an active void user! I launched a crazy amount of chaos magic as I tossed my hand at the portal, at the same time casting a dimensional portal with my other hand, letting it mix on top of the void magic. The rope snapped and I fell in.
I found myself being hurled through time and space, or the void. Whatever you want to call it really. I knew that I'd need to find body, luckily my phylactery is with me, however, I was about to land very violently, painfully, whatever. Luckily I don't feel pain! I'm already dead! So hah!
Me: One.
Everything: Zero-
BLAM
Darkness.
"Uggh..."
That was supposed to be the sound of my own voice groaning, but it didn't sound anything like my own voice. Secondly, I haven't groaned in a very long time. Adding to that, my body was aching. I'm not supposed to feel pain! I'm dead! I opened my 'eyelids' as I called them because I could 'shut my eyes' in a way, it was magical really, but strangely, I could actually feel the eyelids. As soon as I opened them, my eyes were assaulted by nothing but color, color everywhere. Now, for someone whose senses were almost destroyed by death, this was overwhelming, I felt dizzy as l looked around, taking in my surroundings, I brought my hand to my head, only to not feel my fingers, worried my fingers didn't come with the new body deal, I brought my appendage to my line of sight to see what the hell was wrong.
Only to find a hoof instead, I sat there bewildered for a few seconds, my face scrunched up in confusion. My mind slowly caught up to reality. Mostly. I needed a few more seconds...
Three.
Two.
One.
"HAH! I DID IT!" I grinned victoriously, it worked, my phylactery had been tinkered with to allow me to grab the nearest living body that wasn't taken by a soul. Usually found in labs, or witch doctors, necromancers, lich's, ect. This time, it appeared I was in a lab, as proved by the breathing machine on my face, as well as the gooey liquid I was floating in, I could clearly see past the substance of unknown origin, all I know was it was beyond freezing cold, it was preserving me I suppose. I could see what looked like...
Horses?
Yes, horses. Small horses with wings, or horns, or neither. Which quite frankly, would suck to be them. I think the term would be 'Pony' for them. Small horses, that’s it. They also had lab coats on, and they all had one thing that made them all the same. Besides the barely covered tattoos on their asses.
They were all staring at me like I was a lifelong trophy that they finally earned. Through the glass I could hear them talking if I listened hard enough.
"-done! We've done it! An artificial life form! We shall finally harness it's unspeakable powers to take down that Tyrant Celestia!" The whole room gave mutters of approval. I'd guess. Because I couldn't hear them. Something about a coup d'état. I guess this body would be a tool.
"No, I don't think so." One of the other scientist said. The rest of the group turned to the speaker quizzically. "It's a body without a soul! How on earth can we train it? And not to mention, it's a mere child. I'm a scientist, not a cold-hearted cruel bastard. I'm not going to help you assist in creating a weapon out of our own kind! What if you find a soul, somehow? Celestia forbid it's dragged back from the world of the dead, or someone you killed! If you do, it'll still be a child! This is foul. I quit."
And just like that, the pony threw his coat down, a rash decision actually, but I could understand.
"Magnify...You know what we do with traitors. Nopony, nothing, no one, leaves Shadow Theory." 'Magnify', I guess his name was, grimaced. He tensed as some guards started to close in on him with batons in their mouth. I should probably-
BOOM
What is it with the explosions and interrupting me?
"The only traitors that will be punished on this day, will be you!" A pony with a mane coloured in a rainbow of greys, tan coat, fuchsia eyes, a funny safari hat and a whip in her mouth busted in the door with a deadly look on her face, glaring daggers at the group. It was now the guards turn to grimace. The scientist all began to scatter, their whole plot was dashed by a single pony.
"It's Daring Do! We're all doomed! Run for your lives!" Chaos erupted, all the ponies scattered, causing paper to fly everywhere from the lab, I myself was amused. The guards now grimaced, but walked forward to deal with this 'Do' character.
Clop. Clop. Clop.
The sounds of hooves echoed throughout the lab, causing everyone to stop what they were doing, the sound of the hooves were much bigger than the other ponies below. Suddenly, a giant horse with a rainbow-hued mane which flowed even with no wind, fuchsia eyes and a crown, stepped into the room, she also had wings and a horn, she had a sun mark on her butt. I'm assuming she's the big bad here if that's the case. But then, another one walked it, this one was like a dark blue, with a space-like mane. With an ink stain on her butt with a white half moon. She looked like she was furious.
"It's Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! We're all doomed! Run for your-"
SLAM
The space princess put her hoof down.
Hard.
She cracked the floor. All the other ponies stood silent, Daring Do watched all of them carefully, to make sure none of them were to slip away, along with all the guards who belonged to the two 'Princesses'. About twenty.
"My my my, My Little Ponies. What have we here?..." The white one took a small look around with a disapproving gaze, all the ponies that were talking about using me as a weapon before, were quivering before her, they looked deathly afraid. "What's this I hear about using a child as a weapon against me? You should be ashamed of yourselves...You're all going to Canterlot dungeons for a long time." The regal looking horse smiled kindly at them, but in her eyes I could see the disappointment hidden neatly. She looked directly at me with a frown, but then the frown turned into shock as I looked her right back in her eyes. "The child… is alive?..."
All the heads in the lab swiveled towards me, I looked back at all them evenly. The scientist just looked plain speechless. They were probably wondering how this body has a soul.
'Luna' looked at me in awe, and slight fear, before settling on a small warm and motherly smile.
"Art thou fine in there? Do ye' wish to get out?" Luna called out. But, what the hell, what was with her speech? I nodded my head to let them know I wanted to get down, not that I already couldn't, mind you. "Well, one of you go let him or her out!" One of the braver ponies walked forward, typing something into the PC allowing the liquid to seep into, whatever was under it, and let me down. Then the mask that helped me breath came off, as well as the glass lifting. The white one hastily walked over to me.
"Make sure none of them leave, you at the device. How was the child made?" The pony was too scared to withhold information from their nations royal child.
"With the D.N.A from all the late Alicorns! And from Starswirl the bearded! A few other ponies, one of them King Sombra!" Princess Celestia looked beyond shocked. She took a moment of silence to sit there and think about the answer that had just been given to her.
"... You all have been watching us for a very long time now I see. Well, it ends today. I am very ashamed of what's going on here, you are all hereby sentenced to the canterlot dungeons for six years." Wow, they got off pretty easy. Usually it's something like, executed on the spot. They all looked sad, and were to soon be escorted out. But one pony didn't allow that to happen so smoothly.
"IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS!" The unicorn pony runs at me with a magical vial in his hoof, screaming wildly, then activating his magic and exploding violently, the magical backlash and spell engulfed me, causing me to black out and giving me the distinct feeling of teleportation.
The last thing I saw was darkness, and heard a scream.
"YOU FOOL!"
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nice story :)
SKITTY.
LOOK OUT BELOW!o3o
A promising start, even if the main character seems a decent bit too overpowered.
Still, that's magic users above apprentice level in a nut-shell, so it kinda comes with the territory.
4954626 Tad bit doesn't even describe how overpowered he is, since Lich's are some of the most OP things ever made.
4954665
True, true...
Is being overpowered such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing that this reminds me of "foal necromancer," I wouldn't consider that a bad thing. To bad he hasn't posted any chapters in months.
4954845 Actually, this was inspired from that very story! He hasn't updated in awhile, so I thought I'd give my own little story based off of that one!
4954139 Thank you
Intresting I hope to see more.
Hopefully this fills the void left by Foal Necromancer, since that story is officially abandoned.
4955178 Well, seeing as it basically /IS/ Foal Necromancer...
4955475 but without the comedy tag. and the comedy was one of the things I liked about Foal Necromancer...
4955495 Yeah. Damn, that sucks. The fuck happened to that guy, I wonder.
4955511 If I remember correctly: he, almost ironically, died.
4955178
EH?!
Foal Necromancer is dead? Dammit that was one of my favorite stories. I thought it was just on haitus.
Is it actually abandoned officially or is it just a "not been updated in ages so it must be dead" sorta situations?
4955596 Seriously? Where'd you hear that?
I'm curious, will he meet up or encounter major characters of MLP? (Mane six, celestia, etc)
4955784
4955763
I may be confusing him with another user with a similar name, but I seem to remember someone else on the website saying that he died in a car crash or something.
4955797
Damn, well I really hope that's not true he is/was a great writer.
I AM FILLED WITH A CRAVING FOR MORE! Liked and faved.
4955797 Daaaaamn.
Oh. Charon got a follower. Author, plagiarizm is bad. Shame on you.
Its even badly written, Delete it.
4954968 Well, then I hope you don't abadon this story...sigh...
Also, since this is based on that story, I guess he will have some sort of close relationship with one of the princesses...
Interesting... keep going
4956673 I'm not too sure actually, since my idea was revolving around traveling abit, then settling for a family.
4956501 I know the idea has been done, but nothing is original. I've had several ideas like it before I read the story, but his inspired me so much that I just needed to write another version of it. Maybe sometime I can talk to the author and there could be a cross over.
4956753Traveling huh?
This was most likely featured because of the conversation about the allegedly-dead author of Foal Necromancer.
This is badly written. To point out one class of the many classes of the many errors this has, you don't write onomatopoeia into the narration. Prose is not a comic book.
Your character is literally a mishmash of name-dropping.
Tense switching, bad narration, telling instead of showing, grammatical errors, a renouncement of diction, run-on sentences...
Commas are not a quick fix for sentence fragments. The way the character uses the narration to address the "audience" and refer to other parts of the prose is a difficult stylistic choice at best. Here, you're using it to make up for your inability to express semantic relations in a truly narrative way.
Using the character like he's a commentator to the events going on around him is lazy, and just another method of avoiding actual narration.
I should also note that from the point that the lich is dropped into the portal, he has done absolutely nothing. All he's done is sit on his ass, watch the events unfolding around him, and otherwise do nothing. Shouldn't he be experimenting with his circumstances, sizing up his environment, and making plans for whatever the hell he wants to do?
4956819 Your help is appreciated. I like constructive criticism. Though, with the way you're shooting I'm pretty sure it's just criticism. But before you do start lashing out at me, know no one has ever taught me how to write. I'm teaching myself, and only plan on improving. I thumbs up all your comments because they're true. But I will keep my style, alter it though I will. I still don't fully get all of grammar and I don't know how to express or really write out the way I'd like things, if I could I'd be making other stories right now.
My style is a combination of several others. All I need is some understanding, on my end of course, as I'm not sure how to express actions and such.
4956839
I recommend that you read more. Just know that I don't think this was featured due to the story.
Celestia's speaking like a supervillain. Your characterization of her is conflicted to say the least. And you might want to try getting a grasp on contemporary English before trying at Luna's voice.
4956834 And also, no. He's very lazy, and very arrogant, he acts on whim. He feels as if he's invincible so he doesn't need to actually prepare.
Edit: Also, it's not me being lazy, that's my style.
Edit Edit: The character was someone roleplayed so I already have how he would act down.
4956853
Why is this a character people would want to read about? Do they identify with him?
4956857 It's more because of the way he talks, I personally like my story because it's another HiE where the adult becomes a foal. Those are usually the ones I read. I personally can't tell you why others would read it.
And to that, one of my favorite is actually if nothing else, Oh to be old again.
Another thing I'd add is that I am looking for editors. It's not like I know my style and writing isn't horrid.
4956857 Lastly, shoot me an inbox. I'd rather not blow up the comment box.
4956474 Oh! Also, note. I wrote this was a story written only in inspiration by Necromancer Foal. Atleast, I did. But when the moderation said my description wasn't good enough, and didn't tell enough information I forgot to add it back.
Loving the story so far and the idea behind it!
(Oliver twist) Please sir, may I have some more...?
Oh, and is he an alicorn? Since he is basically OP for a unicorn and has the DNA of alicornS PLURAL it would not be a stretch of the imagination. Also, everlasting life sounds like a good break for a forced lich.
4956912
You're still a terrible person. But... Considering that story kinda just... Died. You're forgiven for your sin
Let's guess at what happened at the end shall we?
Mini Lich felt like he was teleported.
All he saw was black.
He heard Celestia...
Dude got turned inside out didn't he? Or maybe into a wall...
Just gonna put this out there: The pony looks like L.
4956912
Good that you did it
as foal necromancer seems rather dead now
so what is he now?
Needs an editor's look-over.
Keep to one tense please.
"I tried to lift myself up, causing my hood ????, everyone tensed as they saw my skeletal face,"
something is missing here
4954626
There's a Trope for that.
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/wizardsandmelees_9442.jpg
*beat*
You may now all curse me for linking you to TVTropes.
4956474
Try again, mate.
Plagiarism would be copying the story itself, not the story's general premise. This reads more like Malideus than it does Necromancer Foal.
Now, if this fic starts getting too close to Necromancer Foal (gives Majestica here a skeletal cat familiar, has him adopted by Luna, etc), then and only then will you be correct with your claim of plagiarism.