• Member Since 15th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 4th, 2023

LittleKhan


The other authors make it look so easy

Comments ( 91 )

Great story! Are you going to continue it? I think a sequel would be nice at the very least.

Lab
Lab #2 · Sep 2nd, 2014 · · ·

The spelling and grammar were better than most stories, but the proofreading needs to be more thorough. Use an extra line between paragraphs or indents—having both is redundant.

The story feels incomplete, and I don't mean that in an "ask for sequels on every story" way. There wasn't much for resolution, and it felt like the end was accidentally forgotten.

Celestia goes for a walk. Alright, I can understand that.

Celestia meets a strange pony. Okay, stuff's getting interesting.

Oh wait, that's it?

I go to say, this is a pretty nice story. I'm with Drakon on this. I'd love to see it continued. It's an angle on HiEs that I haven't seen often. Kudos.

4944766 I actually kinda like that part of it. It's shows the lack of any true resolution to the situation. John isn't going to tell a random pony what his really issue is, and Celestia can't really help any more than give a few words of advise to this random person she found. In the end, all it is Celestia's walk crossing paths with something and someone with a mysterious and possibly interesting story behind it, one that her walk just glimpses, rather than joins.

This could be the start of a whole new genre of stories (if it doesn't exist). Average days glimpsing Noodle Incidents as they happen, yet totally unaffected by them.

Lab

4944811 That's fine. There's a lot you can pass off as style :P My other point remains though.

Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

– she moved the freakin’ sun –

Ah, you can always appreciate the small bits of humor in a sad story. :pinkiesmile:

This is a great take. I agree with the others, it feels incomplete, but don't take that as me demanding more. More would be nice, but don't make the mistake of trying to continue a story just cause people might like it. Sometimes a oneshot that leaves you wanting is nice.

Of course a finely written, novel length epic of fan fiction is fantastic too:twilightsmile:.

4944826
Yah, I was wondering about the indentation. I think you're right about that.

Lab

4945494 Some people prefer the way it is in books, and that's fine. The main reason a blank line is acceptable is because we're not as limited by space as physical media.

4945456

Part of the problem is that I'm not sure where I would eventually go with this story, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I could write a whole HiE story. I don't want to be one of those people who abandons a story half way through. I could write more, but like I said, I'm just not sure where it would eventually end up.
The other thing is that part of the "sadness" of the story is that there is no real resolution.

In any case, thank you for your comments and fav's and whatnot! When I posted this I really wasn't sure what to expect. :pinkiehappy:

4945551 Yeah I did that and it got away from me. I didn't know what to do with it and wasn't feeling it, so now I live with the regret of unfinished work. Sometimes you have an idea you just got to put down in words, even if it doesn't seem like it will go anywhere.

Good luck with any future works.

I think I agree with everyone else. This story has a very nice angle on a type of story that's been done to death and makes it a lot more interesting. :pinkiehappy:

There did seem to be some minor grammar mistakes but nothing major I saw.

Think the best thing to do is make this a full blown story, you'll already have one thumbs up for it! :twilightsmile:

good story, if somewhat unoriginal. I mainly say that because of the whole "Oh then i got a job at AJ's farm" which has been done to DEATH!
other than that, it just needs more, what happens next blah blah blah.
so yeah, not bad.

Since you are just testing the waters with this chapter/story, I'm gonna unload all my thoughts on you. . .

I like your writing style. It's straightforward, easygoing. . . Some might say a bit bare or sparse in descriptive detail, or lacking in evocative metaphors. I don't think florid prose is necessary, but sometimes those little tricks can liven things up a bit.

I like Celestia, and I like stories involving her, and I think you've characterized her well enough. However. . . It does seem contrived that this poor shmoe meets her as his first (I presume) pony encounter of any consequence in Equestria.

I personally am not a fan of Princess Twilicorn or her gaudy castle. If you are, then okay. . . But I'd just remind you that there is no rule on FiMFiction requiring that stories acknowledge everything that happens in the TV show (or comics). You can set your story at the end of season 1 or season 2, or you can simply ignore anything that's been brought into the show that you think is dumb. (I am a cranky old-timer, and I have quite a long list of "canon" developments that will never appear in my stories.)

I'm not sure. There's so much of the plot and backstory missing I can't really judge if the 'story' is good or not based simply on this fragment.

It's written competently enough, but the main character remains a virtual blank slate at the end of this piece of narrative. We know next to nothing about him, and only those already familiar with HiE tropes will be able to glean that he was a human who'd heard about the show from a brony friend, wasn't too interested in it, and somehow ended up a pony in Equestria and is depressed about his situation.

That's basically the crux of many very bare bones HiE descriptions of non-bronies falling into Equestria.

It's a prologue, really.

In my opinion, it's very nicely written.

Though this entire thing looks much more like a prologue to a story than a one-shot.

4945551 There's a certain trick when you write like that, write every chapter like it would be the last. It's difficult, but it makes you able to quit wherever you want without canceling it, or you could write a sequel fast-forwarding half a year wherein Celest- there's blood on my screen, huh.
Anyways, wherein (Star Burst) Celestia comes back into town for *Reason reason reason* and notices that he's not anywhere to be seen, let it pester her a bit, because when you have power over a large area, it's even harder to help with the small problems.
Oh, and almost forgot.
Huh, I can't find the song named "Starburst", that's strange, have something else then.

4946786 To be fair, Applejack (or rarity, both popular) seems like the ones more likely to hire.

Rarity for generosity, and Applejack because farms usually do (Atleast in the olden times, and Equestria seems to be in the olden times.

4945551 An idea

Something I have not seen is where the transformed human dies, and the body reverts to normal, meaning they find it, shit happens and stuff (10/10 well thought out)

But that would be too tragic for this fic I think.

Congrats on getting featured with your first story. Very few pull that off.

It's not bad at all for a first try - better then most, I'd say. The writing is fine, it has a clear concept, and it's decently paced. Your tone and characterizaton could use some refinement, but that will come with practice.

I mostly just thought this felt a bit... disconnected, I guess. Thematically speaking it's kinda weak, probably because it focuses on Celestia even though it's not really about her. She just passes through the human's story unknowingly, and it could have used some kind of motif or theme connecting them.

Question: Why did Celestia claim to not know about the magic mirror? I thought that part was a bit strange. Not only does the question not make her suspicious about his origins - your narrative makes it seem like she genuinely doesn't know what he's talking about, which is kinda inconsistent with her aknowledging that Sunset Shimmer did steal Twilight's crown.

*cough cough* MORE!:flutterrage:
Please.:yay:

4946786 well acually he didn't get a job at a.j.'s farm it was just an idea.

4948602
I was trying to imply that the Equestria that John was in, the "real" Equestria, wasn't a carbon copy of what was portrayed in the show. Most of the major points were the same, but there were enough differences that it would be noticeable. The mirror was one of those differences; if it had been there, then it would have provided John with a possible solution, some hope, and that wouldn't have fit with the story.

As for the theme, it's kind of hard to explain. I wanted it to be a bit of a "ships passing in the night" story. And I wanted Princess Celestia to be his conversation partner because it highlights the tragic irony. Maybe I shouldn't have done a sad story as my first fic; not sure how well I can do them. Oh well.

But, um... I don't think it was featured...

Hmm, go on, you have me interested.

4948208 why not just some back ground character, or even just the local council ?

I think that this story makes a very good prologue.
I'll follow it, to be sure that i'll be notified if it is continued.

The irony isn't lost on me that they were both essentially hiding their true natures, in a way

This was very well done, and it's not a sad story, it looks more like a prologue, and it got in the popular stories section, thats a lot for a first story; anyway, I wouldn't mind reading this as long as it keeps this quality, keep up the good work.

This is quite good... Dang good, I'd say. An intriguing opening you have here.

i thought he'd end the conversation with "later, princess" or something of that nature.

This was good. I'd really like to see more of this story, maybe a chapter for each of the main 6 in someway or another running into John.

4949504

I was trying to imply that the Equestria that John was in, the "real" Equestria, wasn't a carbon copy of what was portrayed in the show. Most of the major points were the same, but there were enough differences that it would be noticeable. The mirror was one of those differences;

You want to be careful with that sort of thing. Unless you establish it very clearly in advance, it's just going to confuse the readers. You may even be accused of getting the canon wrong. Usually it's better to just stick with the established premise.

I wanted it to be a bit of a "ships passing in the night" story. And I wanted Princess Celestia to be his conversation partner because it highlights the tragic irony.

I kinda got that, and it's not a bad idea. I just think it could have made a stronger impression.

I shouldn't have done a sad story as my first fic; not sure how well I can do them. Oh well.

I'm not even sure I'd call it sad. I'd call it "unfortunate", but that sounds mean. :derpytongue2:

We just don't really know what John is going through or what's in store for him, though there are certainly worse fates than being stuck in Equestria. This is kinda how a lot of HiE normally start out, and for all we know he might have a lot of fun in Ponyville once he isn't starving anymore. The heart of the story in the irony that he and Celestia pass each other by without knowing each other's true identity, but irony isn't the same thing as sorrow. In fact, the encounter is mostly fortunate for John.

But, um... I don't think it was featured...

No, I'm sure it was featured yesterday, that's how I found it in the first place.The site doesn't really notify you when it happens, so maybe you didn't notice.

This reads like a prologue for a much larger story.

I liked how this was from Celestia's point of view. Definitely a change from the usual.

4949725 yes, yes I do.

:ajbemused::Ah aint hireing! got to many workers now anywho.

How can something that reads like a prologue be labeled complete?

I have one word for this story...
MOAR!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage:

4949730 Because Main characters are more interesting.

4956961 not really, whether they are interesting or not is up to the writer's skill.

4956974 I guess it is just easier to write an already established character, instead of making a new one. But it depends on the skill, as you say.

true, true. it is easier, i just feel lazy if don't include at least a few undeveloped characters and flesh them out, but that's just me

I haven't seen a HiE story like this before. I've occasionally read some where the guy tried to pretend to be a normal pony--badly--but I haven't read such a fic like that which was entirely in the eyes of a native. I like the sense of awkwardness and discomfort on both their parts, and that he didn't admit that he was from another dimension. He's not a brony, but he isn't completely freaking out over what happened--although obviously upset and worried, he's handling the situation in a mature and rational manner.

Also, I find it funny that the first few minutes of Equestria Girls happened and that everything else was wrong. I do wonder about how widely known the Sunset Shimmer incident was, though... I thought it was the sort of thing they'd keep quiet about, but she didn't seem particularly shocked that John knew about it.

4958069
Ya. I probably could have written that bit better.

4958104 That feeling of resigned acceptance was actually a good thing, in my opinion. He looked like he's been there for a least a couple hours, so any initial panic would have faded some. But how he behaves and acts after those first moments in Equestria are what show us more about the character; his calm, pessimism, and politeness. As he didn't really watch the show and likely never had any fantasies about meeting an actual talking pastel pony, it says a lot about who he is as a person.

If you ever make a sequel, I'd enjoy reading it.

Interesting, but I'd like to see more.

YOU MAKE A FUCKING SEQUEL RIGHT FUCKIN NOW

You know you can make this into a series right it sounds like there's another part to it

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