The Walk
“Well, my little ponies -” Princess Celestia smiled as she stepped out of Twilight’s new castle. “- it was wonderful to be able to see you all again. And Fluttershy, thank you for bringing that new brand of tea – it was delicious!” Fluttershy blushed and grinned.
“Oh, well… you’re welcome, your highness. It was my pleasure.” The others strolled out behind her and came to a stop in the warm air.
“Well, y’all,” she Applejack, “that was a lovely way to spend a morning, but A’hm afraid that Ah need to get back to Sweet Apple Acres – Big Mac needs mah help with the new field.”
“Yep.” said Pinkie. “And I gotta go get some more Sprinklies from BonBon’s shop. They go really well with the new cupcakes.” Rainbow Dash chortled at that. Princess Celestia gave them all another warm smile.
“Well, I suppose you all have places to be. Thank you for spending some time with me today. Have a good day, girls.” Five of the ponies said their final goodbye’s and trotted (or flew) off, though one remained. Twilight Sparkle turned to her mentor.
“Well, I gotta run too, Celestia. I’ve got an appointment with the Mayor today. Tax codes.” She made a face.
Princess Celestia chuckled.
“Good luck, then, Princess Twilight. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”Twilight rolled her eyes.
“I’m sure I’ll survive. Anyways, have a nice flight back!” And with that, she trotted off into the sunshine.
Princess Celestia walked slowly over to where her guards and chariot stood. It truly was a gorgeous day. The sky was a clear blue, while only a few scattered puffy white clouds flouted around. The birds chirped and sang, and a soft breeze blew through the grass. She stopped just in front the chariot, closed her eyes, leaned her head back, took a deep breath, and then let it out. Moments like these were rarer than she would have liked. Oh, Canterlot and the its gardens had their own beauty, but Princess Celestia had found that the uninterrupted splendor of the countryside couldn’t truly be replaced by anything. For a moment she just stood there, a contented expression on her face. Then she blinked once, opened her eyes, and looked around. It really was beautiful here, all around her. So peaceful and tranquil.
In fact…
An idea was forming in her mind. She had planned to head back to Canterlot and spend the rest of the day catching up on some reading, but now another thought had occurred to her.
I wonder… you know what, to Tartarus with it.
She turned to her guards, the corners of her mouth pulling upwards. “Gentlestallions, there has been a change in plans. I have decided to take a walk.” The guards blinked. They stared at her for a moment, and then looked back at each other. Then they took the chariot’s harnesses off, and stepped forward. The smile still on her face, she turned and walked out into the countryside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For a while she just walked, the guards at a respectful distance behind her – far enough that she probably wouldn’t notice them, but close enough in case she needed anything. The Princess was thoroughly enjoying it. She wandered past the outskirts of Ponyville, with no particular goal or destination in mind, just relishing the chance to be out in the country, away from the closeness and business of Canterlot.
You know, I should bring Luna out here sometime.
As she crested a hill, Princess Celestia spotted somepony walking through a patch of short grass about 100 trots ahead of her. It appeared to be a dark green unicorn stallion, with a brown mane with a pair of worn saddlebags on him. She watched as he walked a dozen or so meters, rather unsteadily, she thought, and plop down in front of a tree. She gazed at the stallion for a moment, wondering what could have brought anypony else out here. Then again, they weren’t that far from town; perhaps he was just wondering around enjoying the scenery, like she was.
Or perhaps not.
She did find it curious as to who this pony was and what he was doing out here. She could just go up and ask him, or course, but she didn’t want to have anypony bowing and scraping to her. No, this required some subtlety and planning.
She turned to the right and spotted a small grove of trees. That would work. She gestured to the guards, and they all walked over. Entering it, she closed her eyes and focused her magic. She cast the first spell. This one only took a moment; her crown and regalia popped out of existence with a brief flash. The second spell was more complicated. It was a temporary shape-changing/illusion spell. As her horn glowed, she began to shrink. Her wings faded from view, and her hair lost its usual etherealness, becoming a light pink. Lastly, her cutie mark changed, the sun on her flank shifting to become a four pointed golden star. This was a disguise she often used when she wanted or needed to go incognito amongst her subjects; only a very few ponies were aware of it. After a final quick check of appearance, she walked out from the grove and towards where she had seen the stallion lay down.
Approaching from behind and slightly to his left, the Princess saw that he had not moved. He was sitting on his haunches in front of her, though slouched over a little, looking out at Ponyville in the distance. As the Princess closed the final few dozen meters, she noticed several things about him. Although the shadows the tree cast on him made it a little hard to see, she could see that his mane and fur looked dirty and unkempt, as if he hadn’t had a good bath and/or brushing in quite some time. He also looked rather thin, almost emaciated. As she got closer, his ears perked up and his head turned towards her. The stallion’s face was in much the same condition as the rest of him; it was dirty, and there were bags under his eyes, which themselves looked slightly bloodshot.
“Hello,” she said, trying to give her warmest smile as she closed the final gap and sat down.
“Hello.” He hadn’t turned his body towards her.
“I’m Star Burst. What’s your name?”
“… My name is John.”
Well, that was a rather odd name… but it was not the strangest name that the Princess had ever heard. Her gaze then flickered down to his flank, where his cutie mark was - or, rather, to where it was not.
This stallion had no cutie mark. She must have missed it in the dappled pattern that the shadows of the leaves of the tree cast on his coat. While it was not unheard of for an adult pony to have no cutie mark, it was certainly a very rare occurrence, and also a very crippling one. When Princess Celestia looked back at his face; he had one eyebrow slightly raised, in a knowing, yet resigned expression. In an effort to redirect the conversation, she gestured to his saddlebags.
“So, I take it you’re not from around here.”
“No, I’m actually new to Equestria.”
“Oh really.” John nodded, and then his eyes then flickered past her.
“So, what’s with the guards?” he asked. Celestia glanced behind herself.
Oh dear. I forgot about them. Okay, think… how do I explain this?
“Ah, well, I actually work for Princess Celestia. I had some business in Ponyville and I decided to go for a bit of a walk.” His eyes widened a bit at that.
“You work for the Princess?” She nodded. There was an awkward pause as he seemed to consider that.
“So, where are you from?” she asked. John hesitated for a moment. Then, his gaze fell.
“Oh, very far away. You probably wouldn’t have heard of it.”
“I… see. May I ask why you decided to come to Equestria?” she asked hesitantly.
“I didn’t actually have much choice in the matter.” His tone of voice matched his again resigned look. She winced a little on the inside.
“Well, it’s a very nice country. I’m sure you’ll find that you like it here.” She sincerely hoped that he would. It saddened here that somepony could end up looking so hopeless and destitute. He cocked his head, a slightly thoughtful look sliding over his face.
“You know, it’s actually a little different here than… than how I thought it would be.”
“Oh?” she asked, both anticipating and dreading his answer. “How so?”
“I… had some friends who used to talk about this place. I never really listened to them much though. I was… busy with other things. I guess… well, when you’re so far away you tend to see things in a different light than when you’re actually there, living it.” Well, that was not what she had expected.
“So, you had friends who talked about Equestria?”
“Ya.” He paused again. “You know, they even took me to see a… play about this place this one time.” A peculiar look came over him, one comprised of humor and a touch of bitterness.
“Hmm. Was it any good?” He started at that, as if he hadn’t expected her to ask about it.
“Ah, well. I suppose for a play that was aimed at fillies it wasn’t bad.” The look of humor mixed with bitterness became somewhat sharper. There was another awkward pause. He tensed, as if arguing with himself again. Then he turned to regard her.
“You… work for Princess Celestia, right?” She nodded. “I heard that there was an incident a while back, where a former student of hers stole Princess Twilight’s crown or something.” She nodded again, more tentatively this time.
“Ah… yes.”
“It… didn’t involve a magic mirror that lead to other worlds, by any chance?” His voice rose at the end.
“Er, no, it didn’t. I’m afraid I don’t know anything about that sort of thing.” She didn’t want to let him down like this, even though she had no idea of what he was talking about. His head turned back down to regard the grass by his front hooves.
“I didn’t think so.” He deflated, his expression becoming dull and lifeless again. For a moment, they just sat there, lost in their own thoughts. The princess was racking her brains, trying to think of some way to find out how to help him.
“Well, have you considered going back home?” Surely there were ponies there that cared for him.
His voice was both quieter and harder than before. “I’m afraid that’s not possible.” Her ears folded.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” With nothing else to do, she glanced over his frame once again. He seemed to be about the same age as Twilight and her friends, or perhaps a bit older. As she examined him again, she noticed something about his ears - there was some yellowish coloring around the bottoms. “You know, you look a little sick. You should really go to the hospital. There’s one in town.”
“I don’t have any money.”
What?
“Money?”
He turned to her. “Money for the hospital.”
“You don’t need money for that. Where are you from, anyways? That should have been explained that to you when you immigrated.” He blinked. Then he started chuckling, a chuckle which was not entirely mirthful.
“Of course!” he cried. “How could I be so stupid?! Ha Ha Ha Ha!” Celestia leaned back a little in shock. She waited until John’s laughter died down. He wiped a few tears from his eyes. “Well, I suppose I could head into town. This is Ponyville, right?” Celestia nodded. “I guess here is as good a place as any.”
“You’ll like this town. It’s very friendly.” He snorted at that.
“So I’ve heard.” The Princess hoped that he could find a new life here, maybe even make a home.
“You know, if you’re looking for a job, I think Sweet Apple Acres is hiring.” John looked at her, a skeptical look on his face.
“I don’t think they would hire someone like me.”
Actually, he’s probably right.
Frustration began to eat at her. She hated it when she got herself into a situation like this. She was an absolute ruler of the most powerful and prosperous kingdom in the world – she moved the freakin’ sun – and yet she couldn’t manage to help out a single down-on-his-luck pony get a job… and probably a place to live too, now that she thought about it.
No. I’ve got to do something.
She took a breath. “Tell them that Star Burst sent you.” John started, then frowned.
“No, it’s alright,” he said as he shook his head. “I can figure something out.”
She groaned internally.
“Please, just try it out?” Her voice rose at the end, just shy of pleading. He stared at her for a moment.
“All right,” he conceded. She smiled. He then stood up and she followed suit.
“Well, I should get going then.” His voice still had no joy in it, but there was a determination that was not there before. She was glad to hear that.
“Good luck then, John,” she said. “It was nice to meet you.”
“It was nice to meet you too,” he replied. With that he turned and walked off. As he went, the Princess noted that his gait was rather awkward. As he started down the side of the hill, he slowed considerably, as if making doubly sure that he wouldn’t fall. She didn’t think that this could be caused by hunger or any sort of illness.
What else can possibly be wrong with him?
She would definitely write a letter to Twilight, asking if she could look in on him. Hopefully, with some luck and kindness from the residents of Ponyville, he would be okay.
Then she turned and began to walk back towards the town and her chariot.
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Great story! Are you going to continue it? I think a sequel would be nice at the very least.
The spelling and grammar were better than most stories, but the proofreading needs to be more thorough. Use an extra line between paragraphs or indents—having both is redundant.
The story feels incomplete, and I don't mean that in an "ask for sequels on every story" way. There wasn't much for resolution, and it felt like the end was accidentally forgotten.
Celestia goes for a walk. Alright, I can understand that.
Celestia meets a strange pony. Okay, stuff's getting interesting.
Oh wait, that's it?
I go to say, this is a pretty nice story. I'm with Drakon on this. I'd love to see it continued. It's an angle on HiEs that I haven't seen often. Kudos.
4944766 I actually kinda like that part of it. It's shows the lack of any true resolution to the situation. John isn't going to tell a random pony what his really issue is, and Celestia can't really help any more than give a few words of advise to this random person she found. In the end, all it is Celestia's walk crossing paths with something and someone with a mysterious and possibly interesting story behind it, one that her walk just glimpses, rather than joins.
This could be the start of a whole new genre of stories (if it doesn't exist). Average days glimpsing Noodle Incidents as they happen, yet totally unaffected by them.
4944811 That's fine. There's a lot you can pass off as style :P My other point remains though.
Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!
Ah, you can always appreciate the small bits of humor in a sad story.
This is a great take. I agree with the others, it feels incomplete, but don't take that as me demanding more. More would be nice, but don't make the mistake of trying to continue a story just cause people might like it. Sometimes a oneshot that leaves you wanting is nice.
Of course a finely written, novel length epic of fan fiction is fantastic too
.
4944826
Yah, I was wondering about the indentation. I think you're right about that.
4945494 Some people prefer the way it is in books, and that's fine. The main reason a blank line is acceptable is because we're not as limited by space as physical media.
4945456
Part of the problem is that I'm not sure where I would eventually go with this story, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I could write a whole HiE story. I don't want to be one of those people who abandons a story half way through. I could write more, but like I said, I'm just not sure where it would eventually end up.
The other thing is that part of the "sadness" of the story is that there is no real resolution.
In any case, thank you for your comments and fav's and whatnot! When I posted this I really wasn't sure what to expect.
4945551 Yeah I did that and it got away from me. I didn't know what to do with it and wasn't feeling it, so now I live with the regret of unfinished work. Sometimes you have an idea you just got to put down in words, even if it doesn't seem like it will go anywhere.
Good luck with any future works.
love it.
I think I agree with everyone else. This story has a very nice angle on a type of story that's been done to death and makes it a lot more interesting.
There did seem to be some minor grammar mistakes but nothing major I saw.
Think the best thing to do is make this a full blown story, you'll already have one thumbs up for it!
good story, if somewhat unoriginal. I mainly say that because of the whole "Oh then i got a job at AJ's farm" which has been done to DEATH!
other than that, it just needs more, what happens next blah blah blah.
so yeah, not bad.
Since you are just testing the waters with this chapter/story, I'm gonna unload all my thoughts on you. . .
I like your writing style. It's straightforward, easygoing. . . Some might say a bit bare or sparse in descriptive detail, or lacking in evocative metaphors. I don't think florid prose is necessary, but sometimes those little tricks can liven things up a bit.
I like Celestia, and I like stories involving her, and I think you've characterized her well enough. However. . . It does seem contrived that this poor shmoe meets her as his first (I presume) pony encounter of any consequence in Equestria.
I personally am not a fan of Princess Twilicorn or her gaudy castle. If you are, then okay. . . But I'd just remind you that there is no rule on FiMFiction requiring that stories acknowledge everything that happens in the TV show (or comics). You can set your story at the end of season 1 or season 2, or you can simply ignore anything that's been brought into the show that you think is dumb. (I am a cranky old-timer, and I have quite a long list of "canon" developments that will never appear in my stories.)
I'm not sure. There's so much of the plot and backstory missing I can't really judge if the 'story' is good or not based simply on this fragment.
It's written competently enough, but the main character remains a virtual blank slate at the end of this piece of narrative. We know next to nothing about him, and only those already familiar with HiE tropes will be able to glean that he was a human who'd heard about the show from a brony friend, wasn't too interested in it, and somehow ended up a pony in Equestria and is depressed about his situation.
That's basically the crux of many very bare bones HiE descriptions of non-bronies falling into Equestria.
It's a prologue, really.
In my opinion, it's very nicely written.
Though this entire thing looks much more like a prologue to a story than a one-shot.
4945551 There's a certain trick when you write like that, write every chapter like it would be the last. It's difficult, but it makes you able to quit wherever you want without canceling it, or you could write a sequel fast-forwarding half a year wherein Celest- there's blood on my screen, huh.
Anyways, wherein (Star Burst) Celestia comes back into town for *Reason reason reason* and notices that he's not anywhere to be seen, let it pester her a bit, because when you have power over a large area, it's even harder to help with the small problems.
Oh, and almost forgot.
Huh, I can't find the song named "Starburst", that's strange, have something else then.
4946786 To be fair, Applejack (or rarity, both popular) seems like the ones more likely to hire.
Rarity for generosity, and Applejack because farms usually do (Atleast in the olden times, and Equestria seems to be in the olden times.
4945551 An idea
Something I have not seen is where the transformed human dies, and the body reverts to normal, meaning they find it, shit happens and stuff (10/10 well thought out)
But that would be too tragic for this fic I think.
Congrats on getting featured with your first story. Very few pull that off.
It's not bad at all for a first try - better then most, I'd say. The writing is fine, it has a clear concept, and it's decently paced. Your tone and characterizaton could use some refinement, but that will come with practice.
I mostly just thought this felt a bit... disconnected, I guess. Thematically speaking it's kinda weak, probably because it focuses on Celestia even though it's not really about her. She just passes through the human's story unknowingly, and it could have used some kind of motif or theme connecting them.
Question: Why did Celestia claim to not know about the magic mirror? I thought that part was a bit strange. Not only does the question not make her suspicious about his origins - your narrative makes it seem like she genuinely doesn't know what he's talking about, which is kinda inconsistent with her aknowledging that Sunset Shimmer did steal Twilight's crown.
*cough cough* MORE!
Please.
4946786 well acually he didn't get a job at a.j.'s farm it was just an idea.
4948602
I was trying to imply that the Equestria that John was in, the "real" Equestria, wasn't a carbon copy of what was portrayed in the show. Most of the major points were the same, but there were enough differences that it would be noticeable. The mirror was one of those differences; if it had been there, then it would have provided John with a possible solution, some hope, and that wouldn't have fit with the story.
As for the theme, it's kind of hard to explain. I wanted it to be a bit of a "ships passing in the night" story. And I wanted Princess Celestia to be his conversation partner because it highlights the tragic irony. Maybe I shouldn't have done a sad story as my first fic; not sure how well I can do them. Oh well.
But, um... I don't think it was featured...
Hmm, go on, you have me interested.
4948677 you know what i mean
4948208 why not just some back ground character, or even just the local council ?
I think that this story makes a very good prologue.
I'll follow it, to be sure that i'll be notified if it is continued.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2696254208/hB7C21C82/
And so on.
The irony isn't lost on me that they were both essentially hiding their true natures, in a way
This was very well done, and it's not a sad story, it looks more like a prologue, and it got in the popular stories section, thats a lot for a first story; anyway, I wouldn't mind reading this as long as it keeps this quality, keep up the good work.
This is quite good... Dang good, I'd say. An intriguing opening you have here.
i thought he'd end the conversation with "later, princess" or something of that nature.
This was good. I'd really like to see more of this story, maybe a chapter for each of the main 6 in someway or another running into John.
4949504
You want to be careful with that sort of thing. Unless you establish it very clearly in advance, it's just going to confuse the readers. You may even be accused of getting the canon wrong. Usually it's better to just stick with the established premise.
I kinda got that, and it's not a bad idea. I just think it could have made a stronger impression.
I'm not even sure I'd call it sad. I'd call it "unfortunate", but that sounds mean.
We just don't really know what John is going through or what's in store for him, though there are certainly worse fates than being stuck in Equestria. This is kinda how a lot of HiE normally start out, and for all we know he might have a lot of fun in Ponyville once he isn't starving anymore. The heart of the story in the irony that he and Celestia pass each other by without knowing each other's true identity, but irony isn't the same thing as sorrow. In fact, the encounter is mostly fortunate for John.
No, I'm sure it was featured yesterday, that's how I found it in the first place.The site doesn't really notify you when it happens, so maybe you didn't notice.
This reads like a prologue for a much larger story.
I liked how this was from Celestia's point of view. Definitely a change from the usual.
4949725 yes, yes I do.
How can something that reads like a prologue be labeled complete?
I have one word for this story...
MOAR!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!
4949730 Because Main characters are more interesting.
4956961 not really, whether they are interesting or not is up to the writer's skill.
4956974 I guess it is just easier to write an already established character, instead of making a new one. But it depends on the skill, as you say.
true, true. it is easier, i just feel lazy if don't include at least a few undeveloped characters and flesh them out, but that's just me
I haven't seen a HiE story like this before. I've occasionally read some where the guy tried to pretend to be a normal pony--badly--but I haven't read such a fic like that which was entirely in the eyes of a native. I like the sense of awkwardness and discomfort on both their parts, and that he didn't admit that he was from another dimension. He's not a brony, but he isn't completely freaking out over what happened--although obviously upset and worried, he's handling the situation in a mature and rational manner.
Also, I find it funny that the first few minutes of Equestria Girls happened and that everything else was wrong. I do wonder about how widely known the Sunset Shimmer incident was, though... I thought it was the sort of thing they'd keep quiet about, but she didn't seem particularly shocked that John knew about it.
4958069
Ya. I probably could have written that bit better.
4958104 That feeling of resigned acceptance was actually a good thing, in my opinion. He looked like he's been there for a least a couple hours, so any initial panic would have faded some. But how he behaves and acts after those first moments in Equestria are what show us more about the character; his calm, pessimism, and politeness. As he didn't really watch the show and likely never had any fantasies about meeting an actual talking pastel pony, it says a lot about who he is as a person.
If you ever make a sequel, I'd enjoy reading it.
Interesting, but I'd like to see more.
YOU MAKE A FUCKING SEQUEL RIGHT FUCKIN NOW
You know you can make this into a series right it sounds like there's another part to it