Its been a few days since Rainbow has had some strange feelings... Feelings she has never experienced before. Ever since she met a new friend in the market. Roseluck. Is her heart telling her something?
Chapters (2)
RoseDash
Joined 2nd Sep, 2014 ·
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i like it and i hope they is going to be more chapters for this story to come out
4943722 Thanks. I will work on it straight away as soon as there's more views. I need feed back.
4943756 your welcome and ok
Does that matter?
The I is unnecessary.
Capital letter isn't mandatory after a set of ellipsis, unless it marks the beginning of a new sentence.
In.
An.
Fell off.
The asterisks aren't needed, and I dare-say it would be better if you described the impact instead, but failing that, if you need to emphasise the smash, place it in italics.
Repetition of for.
Saying ten minutes isn't strictly a fault, but there's no need for that sort of specificity. You can say it was around ten minutes, or a matter of moments, etc. It sounds more dramatic that way.
Her. And mane doesn't need a capital.
"A sound came from behind Rainbow. She turned to see an unhappy mare."
Away.
Fell, again.
To.
Sad.
It's.
I'm assuming mare is the missing word, there. But don't be afraid to use a character's name (even if they haven't given it to the other person involved yet. Typically, the only time you keep a name hidden is for creating a mystery, which isn't the case here).
Apostrophe needed.
It's.
Name's.
You'll.
No need for the capital, again.
Incorporate into the description. Since Rainbow is waking up, it's not really necessary to inform us of this, anyway.
Soared, I'm guessing?
How's.
Again, the specificity is unneeded. Describe the actions involved in putting up the stall, etc. It'll build the characters, and your word-count.
Opening speech marks missing.
... give us one ...
It's a decent enough start, but riddled with very basic errors that a good pre-reader/editor could help iron out. Remember, a few basic rules: each character's dialogue, even if it's just a few words, should go in a new paragraph; it's is short for it is, while its is the possessive; and you don't need to pin down times, dates and days exactly. (Unless there's a good reason for doing so, which doesn't seem to be the case here.)
Good luck with your later chapters.
4943766 Thanks for that sharp eye you have. I'll be sure to fix these soon.
4943788
It's been a decade since even my good eye was sharp, but you're welcome.
I want to help...but I don't know all the rules of the english language, so I'm not going to. Never mind, this seems obvious. I see too many periods, and not enough commas. Also Rainbow Dash doesn't seem to be talking like Rainbow Dash that often...just something I noticed.
4944027 Like said. It is my first. Plus anything can happen. A character doesn't have to always stay in character. That's what makes a good fic too.
I like the idea of it. I will say that the "Did I just say She's cute...?" line bit put me a little off... that line is used so often on fimfic, and I don't honestly know that anyone actually thinks that way. Instead just have her blush a little at the thought or something. That's a good alternative for two reasons: first, it's a more likely reaction that won't jar the reader's suspension of disbelief, and second, it's showing -- rather than telling -- what Dash is thinking.
I'm sure most of the grammar stuff has been pointed out (proper paragraphing is important here, so I'll repeat it: maximum one character speaking per paragraph). I'd try to find a proofreader to catch all the basic grammar and spelling stuff. Then your commenters can focus on more important things like the actual story itself. Grammar and spelling is really minor, loads of people can help you fix that, but writing a good story is more involved, so it will be helpful to you if you can get comments on that rather than a lot of grammar/spelling nitpicks in your comments section. ;)
4944116 Yup! I also have to say, posting your first fanfiction takes a lot of courage.
4944171 I will be aware when I do chapter 2. I have a friend that might give me a hand with this. =3