• Member Since 14th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 6th, 2014

Amy_Yu_Xuan


Amy here! Luv Minecraft and MLP! Pinkie Pie Rocks! Goal of totally awesome followers: 500! Yeah! I'm that ambitious. Dun care 4 the world! <3 Amy 4ever~

E

I'm Amy, a normal teenager who loves My Little Pony.
When one day, I make a wish on my twelve birthday, to live in Equestria, the world that the ponies of My Little Pony calls home. Of course, one would expect it would never happen... or would it??

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 58 )

:yay: Here we go again.

It's good to see you're not dissuaded.

It was about the unicorn, named Twilight, who after the end of season three turned into an alicorn as she created new magic. Apparently there was a Sunset Shimmer, a unicorn who was once Twilight's mentor's student. Her mentor was Princess Celestia, the ruler of said Equestria. Sunset had taken Twilight's crown, or tiara, and escaped into a magic mirror, that brings them to where us humans reside.

Is this really necessary? I'm pretty sure that most people on this site are familiar with what EG was about. And even if they aren't, this has nothing to do with the rest of the story and is just extra words.

No cuty mark

4947847 -cracks open beer-
Well. At least she's having a go.
Normal, get that camera ready, this is going to be hilarious.

I seriously hope you idiots don't start another shitstorm. There's nothing to really get angry about. A girl who's, y'know, the actual target audience wrote a fanfic about herself in Equestria. All you guys really did on the first fic was look like assholes.

4948112
Don't you have to be at least thirteen to sign up for these sorts of sites?

4948152
Yep. But the mods don't seem to give a shit for some reason.

4948152 Yeah and you got to be at least 18 to view mature content. Look how that turned out.

4948112 There weren't as many asshole comments on the previous story as you claim. A lot of them were actually saying that she really shouldn't make a story with an alicorn OC and such because those are viewed negatively here. Granted, there were asshole comments but those are to be expected.

4947905 DAMM spelling correct!

4947905 DAMM spelling correct!

Cliche count: 2

Granted, this is much better than your other story (and pretty much par with the fan fic I wrote when I was your age), and better than some other people's HiE (Human in Equestria) stories! However:
1. As other people have mentioned, don't tell us things we already know.
2.

I met the rest of the mane six. We had a picnic, and a swim, and even a barbecue!

Show us your meeting of the Mane Six! This is a loss of opportunity to see how the Mane Six react to you now.

barbecue!

So that's what they do with the orphan foals.

4948252
It still didn't deserve even half the attention it got.

While this isn't brilliant--and I'm sure you'll get plenty of comments about that--I am favorably impressed by your decision to start over and improve on your last effort. That was a wise decision and speaks well to your ability to improve.

I strongly second the people who suggest reading the Writer's Guide. You'll find all kinds of useful information there.

Chances are that most people won't like this story very much, simply because it is a wish-fulfillment story about going to Equestria to spend time with your favorite ponies. That makes sense, if you think about it, because it's your wish and not theirs. Do you see what I mean? Generally, most people are more interested in reading stories about the characters in the show. Stories about Original Characters (OCs) don't do well; self inserts even less so. The Pony Creator picture also tends to set off negativity. See if you can find another picture that is designed something like your OC. If you can draw, or have a friend who can, a simple picture you drew yourself is much better than a Pony Creator picture. Sometimes I use a screen capture from the show--for example, if the story is going to have a party in it, you can pick a picture from a scene about a party. It's not perfect, but it'll do until you can get a proper picture.

There are some minor fixes you can easily make, like making sure "I" is properly capitalized throughout--you missed some. You've also got some comma splices:

She giggled, that was when realization hit me, I was in Ponyville!

That should be: "She giggled. That was when realization hit me. I was in Ponyville!" If a phrase is a complete sentence, it needs a period, not a comma.

Anyway, I am going to follow this story. I am hoping to see slow improvement as you go along. Everyone has to start somewhere.

You know what? I agree with Scoots2.
I think that a lot of shit gets said about self-inserts, but they're fun for the author, and still help build writing skill, even if they're bad.

Don't stop writing if people don't like it. All tou have to do is improve!

4948363
NO THAT'S JUST SICK!:twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:
But maybe :pinkiecrazy: would like it.



:pinkiecrazy:= cupcakes pinkamina

I really appreciate it so far.

Maybe I'll follow you...
I'll be waiting the story.

Nice job!

I really appreciate it so far.

Maybe I'll follow you...
I'll be waiting the story.

Nice job!

aCB

Shortly before happening upon this story, I found a story I wrote in 1999, when I was twelve. It's not any better than this one (not saying I'm good now, but that's beside the point). The thing is, nobody can write well when they're twelve. Nobody can join the NFL when they're twelve, or be a governor, even if they were allowed. Aptitude is just something that comes with age. It's not a prejudice; it's just a fact of life.

Back in 1999, the internet was a shadow of what it is now. There was no Youtube, no Facebook. It took an hour to download a one minute video. If you wanted to contribute to the internet, you had to make your own website. There were more "tripods" and "angelfires" than I could count. The point being is that I only had feedback from my friends, family, and teachers to improve my writing, and that feedback was woefully lacking. They were so impressed with my unique story ideas that they didn't do anything about my poor grammar or abysmal pacing. I didn't improve at all until I was in my late teens.

You have an opportunity to use that criticism to make yourself better, to make ten years worth of my improvement in two years. That's why criticism is so important. Yeah, some is more helpful than others. You can just go ahead and ignore "This is dumb" comments. But make sure you think about what people tell you, and keep writing. I'm impressed you kept writing even after the negativity of the last story. That takes some determination.

That's not saying this story is good; it's not. But no one, no matter how talented, can succeed the first time--only the lucky can to that. I would highly, highly recommend writing a story that is not a self-insert. Self-inserts set you up for failure more than anything else. The thing is, when you self-insert, you become emotionally invested in the character to the point where you don't want anything bad to happen to them. You want them to be morally impregnable, because that is what you would want to be. Admitting a flaw in your character is admitting a flaw in yourself, and that's a hard thing to do, even for experienced writers. If you want to add your own character, completely separate yourself from them. Try writing a tragedy where their flaws cause their downfall. Understand your characters emotionally without becoming attached to them.

Also, your pacing is way too fast. This is a universal problem. There's only been one or two stories I've read on this site that I felt were too slow, and over a hundred that were way too fast. I have this problem myself. For example, take some time to expand the birthday scene. What is her home life like? What will she miss when she is removed from it? Introduce your character. When she awakens in Equestria, how does she feel? You covered surprise, but that's a given. Does she have a panic attack? Is she worried about returning home? What does she reasonably think happened? These are things that need to be discussed in dialogue and internal thoughts. Remember, take your time with things like these. You need them to sink in with the readers, so don't just state what a character is feeling. Convey it.

The grammar is messed up, too, but that's easily fixed with editing, practice, and experience.

While this IS a piece of shit, it's better than the other piece of shit you wrote.

"Amy" isn't an Alicorn, the grammar is much better, and the plot has less bullshit and cliches.

HOWEVER!

It is still pretty much the same self insert, wish fulfillment story as last time.

If you want to start writing some Fanfics, first write some actual stories with canon ponies, or at least anything that doesn't involve an OC.

For example, I see that you have written a Sparity story that actually looks really good. Even though the chapters are horrendously short, I will eventually get to that story.

Anyway, I shall upvote the story and take this off my group's folder. I will follow this story and see what you do with it.

keep writing:pinkiehappy
you will get better:pinkiesmile:

4949214

While this IS a piece of shit...

...I shall upvote the story...

stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/20140304/4993254/i-can-t-even-o.gif

4949391

ITS A GOOD PEICE OF SHIT BE QUIET.

I forgot to upvote the damn thing. Probably not even going to

4948539. Thanks. Your tips helped. I'll make the changes soon.

4948336 Yeah I really should talk more bout the mane six. I'll either add it on to the chapter, or make the second chapter where we decorate 4 the party and talk about the stuff. But i had been writing 4 one hour on that chap.

4948997 thank you. That really helped, ill not change to much of the 1st chapter, but ill use ur tips on the second one. Tks!

4947905 that will come in a later chapter

I updated the chapter a bit.

New Chapter! :pinkiehappy: but its not done. :fluttershysad: no worry 'Shy, im working on it.
:flutterrage: YOU BETTER!
:rainbowderp: I'm not scared of Fluttershy... I'm not scared...
:raritydespair: Finish it!
I will! Just not now! :scootangel:

win the crown

:rainbowlaugh:

Also, recommendation: don't publish a chapter until it's done and an editor has looked over it.

Lesson time with Europa!

Ending Quotation Marks.

1. When you end quotation, and then you say how it was said (Stuff like 'she said', 'grumbled' or 'he barked out'.) then you use a comma and lowercase the next word after the quotations. Like so.

"Hey Rainbow, be a dear and go fetch Fluttershy," she said.

2. When you end quotation, and then you just go on, then you use a period and uppercase the next word after the quotations. Like so.

"So, if you'll please step onto this platform, we can get started." With that, Twilight cast her spell.

3. Things like '?' '!' or '...' override the comma/period rule, and the names of people/places override the uppercase/lowercase rule. Like so.

"Everypony run!" Twilight shouted.

Compared to your first story, this is light years ahead in terms of quality. While still no where near as perfect, it's still a decent start. Now, your biggest problems are pacing, and telling not showing. While yes, sometimes it's better to tell and not show, but most times, like when your character meets the mane six, we want to know what happened, instead of summarizing it in a sentence (I'm looking at you Shyamalan). We need to see how the character is feeling. Also, your next biggest problems would be pacing, and clichés. For pacing, you need to flesh out these scenes a lot more, and get us used to and invested in the enviornment, as well as the characters. No ones going to be interested in a scene that's only a couple of sentences long. Now for the clichés, we've all seen this before, where a character turns into a human, meets the mane six, and befriends them with ease (also, see pacing). While it's in Pinkies character to do this, the rest shouldn't be that easy to befriend, especially Applejack and Twilight (and to an extent, Fluttershy), which puts you dangerously close to Mary Sue territory. You do avert this by making it hard for your Author Avatar to fly, which I commend you on.

I can help edit this for you and make suggestions if you'd like. Be warned though, I started college a week ago (freshmen), so it won't be a response right away, and not during the weekends (I work).

That was a long chapter... :pinkiesick:

4958444 lol :rainbowlaugh: i dont know if that s a good thing

Hey there!!!
Your story looks fascinating...
Where are you from?

The only major problem I have is that you need to remove the strikeouts and the asides (your comments in-story).

You're doing great! Keep it up!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!? I KNOW THIS STORY SUCKS TO MANY PPL AND YOUR ALL "Oh? I can write 200X better than you!" BUT SRSLY?! MAKING GRPS CALLED Rage Reviews!, Plan 9 From Equestria: 2, Overly Stupid Fanfiction and No Originality Brigade??? WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING... FORGET ABOUT THAT, WHY WOULD FIMFICTION EVEN ALLOW THAT?! THEY HAVE A GAWD DAMN STUPID RULE THAT A SHIT STORY MUST BE OVER GAWD DAMN 1000 WORDS LONG, WHY CAN'T THEY FREAKING BANN THIS TYPE OF SHIT ASS GROUP!? I AM LITTERALLY MAD, VERY MAD. AND I MIGHT EVEN DELETE THIS STORY FULL OF RAGE, if I did not like Pinkie Pie of course... GETTING BACK TO THE POINT. I COULD BE THE YOUNGEST AND NEWEST WRITER OF THE FREAKING INTERNET AND THIS IS JUST MY SECOND FIC! GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT BEFORE ADDING MY STORY TO STUPID DAMN GROUPS CALLED (Rage Reviews!) URGHH!!!! WAS GONNA MAKE ANOTHER CHAPTER RIGHT NOW, BUT GUESS I CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT IDEA NOW!! :flutterrage::fluttercry::pinkiesick::raritycry::raritydespair::twilightangry2::facehoof::fluttercry::fluttercry::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Why can't one appreciate? Why must one hate? Why can't the world be filled with peace, instead of arguements they make? Why did god create humans, but let them destroy themselves. Why did someone started hate, and make the rest deshelf? I wish the world was full of :heart: , happiness and cheerful smiles, we should make :pinkiehappy: proud.
~ Amy :heart:

4961333

No it isn't. Though I took out the story from the group, considering it's neutral

I dont think Rarity can teleport
I have seen only twily do it
(but I stil like it):pinkiehappy:

Hello, once again...

So far, your writing really improved since your first story, and overall, it does look good. :pinkiehappy: I even like the groups you put in there. As a start, your description is good, and dialogue and spelling has improved. :twilightsmile: It's an impressive improvement.

While I do agree with 4955918, 4952161 and 4948539, there are some grammar defects as I read (sometimes I have to reread a certain paragraph to understand what is going on :fluttershyouch:). The pacing on this is slightly out of place, and there are some stuff that could be taken out (like the crossed out words and parentheses). It's understandable if English is not your first language :raritywink:.

Now, as for criticism... As agreed to 4948997, there will be people here who act like jerks, and those who will act like professionals. As far as I know since I joined the fandom, I really don't understand why people would hate with self-insertions and/or HIEs :applejackconfused:. The best advice I can give you if you get all these hate comments is just ignore them. While I generally enjoy writing HIE fics, I do sometimes receive some hateful comments. If you ever get any of those, don't send a hateful message back. They want you to do that so that others will think negatively of you. Just ignore them, and take the advice from people who give it to you. It will help you in your writing, and it will help you in your future stories.

Overall, this story is enjoyable. Much better than your first, and I will watch it. Just to give you a tip, keep doing what you love, and ignore those who oppose it. Yes, it is difficult for a first-timer here, but eventually, you will get used to it. There will be people to help out :yay:

I told Pinkie I'd rather Pink and Purple lik me mane color.

Arrr! What be the idea of this pirate lingo? Ye scurvy dog! :derpytongue2:

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