Heart Of Darkness
Luna lay on her bed, staring in the ceiling of the room. It was another night to come by and pass without any hope. She was ignored by all, her sister and the ponies of Equestria. The only company she had was the thing nested deep inside her, currently formless and unknown.
Her sister hadn't even noticed it. In 5 moons, it was never notice not even questioned once. The moon was high and lonely in it's sky. Isolated from life and the world it belonged to. Just like Luna. Luna had nothing to count on, other than the creature inside her. The voiceless thing that lived inside her. Unnoticed by the rest of the world. Luna's only friend died over 7 moons ago. Snowdrop was the only company Luna had had for a long time. And then, she was gone.
The worst thing about immortality. Losing the mortals that you loved most.
Luna couldn't even keep emotions in check anymore. Anger and sadness came and went. Back and forth. Back and forth. Like a never stopping pendulum. The force kept it going. Back and forth. Back and forth. Until. The force just gave out.
Luna couldn't take it anymore. She lost it. Lost it all in about 10 minutes of time. Everything changed in so little time.
The breaking of the staircase lead to the hate and envy of her sister. Luna didn't even have time to figure out what she was doing. All she knew is that something-or someone-had taken over her soul. Making her do things she didn't mean to do.
"There is only room for one princess in Equestria! And that princess is ME!!!" Her voice screeched her voice.
But it wasn't her wanting to say it.
Something changed that night. Something that changed Equestria forever.
Luna was not her. She was not the creature trying to slaughter her own sister. She was in the back of her mind. Trying to stop it. But she couldn't stop whatever it was inside her.
With a raise of the Elements, Celestia had ruined Luna forever. The rainbow light going straight for her destroyed her hope. Her soul was gone and her head was all blurred.
Luna couldn't take back the control. It was overpowering her own will and magic. Nothing she wanted to do was happening. And everything she didn't want to happen, was happening. A paralleled soul. She was under the influence of another conscience. Something that she wasn't. Something that was powerful by all will of it's body.
And with a flash of rainbow, It was over. The soul had lost, and Luna had to take it's punishment. Luna's heart had been filled with darkness. And she was gone.
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Interesting plot you've got my attention so I'll stick around but just a little advice you should make it a little longer 1000 to 2000 at least anyway can't way to see more good luck
*Reads description*
Okay, this is my impression:
Story will most likely contain bad grammar.
Story will not make much sense.
I already know the ending, so there is no reason to read the story.
Overall: 362/2563
4951152 point taken. But the story doesn't have bad grammar, I didn't really know a better way to put that
4951174
How about "Unbeknownst to Celestia"
Also, "breathe" not "breath". Those are two different words.
4951174
Also: "Prolouge", my number one fimfic pet peeve.
It's "Prologue".
4951297 Please don't get all snippy with me. I make mistakes you know? I tried and I don't understand that kind of stuff that well. So you really have to be rude to me, because its late, I'm tired and had a terrible day, I'm just trying to salvage my reputation(or at least, what's left of it)
4951350
If you don't know how to write in archaic English... you probably shouldn't.
4951929 It makes better sense if I do though
4951929 hey jerk its not like people know old English off the top of their head I mean no one speaks like that anymore not for a century or more so why don't you get off your computer stop studying dead grammar and GET A LIFE
4955506 I'm in high school and i have ADHD, ODD(oppositional defiance disorder) and autism so i have an excuse for being here also its 7:23pm right now so whats your excuse and if you remember i said "off the top of their head" so translator doesn't count, also why the hell would some one use a translator for an unused form of speaking now and i wasn't talking to you in the first place
I can see what you're trying to do. I do think that an idea like this could have potential. However, you just don't give it enough time to develop into something that is meaningful.
Let's start with the prologue. Entire thing is 600 words when it should be much longer. It starts with Celestia and Luna attacking the Crystal Empire during Sombra's rule, near the end of the battle where they basically end him. You describe the castle as being dark but is that really all you're going to describe? This is the aftermath of a violent attack by the two most powerful entities in the country and possibly the world. There should be a lot more destruction described, not just the interior of the castle being dark.
Luna's confronting Sombra because she's pregnant with her child. The whole time she walks down to him, you wasting precious opportunities to expand on that idea. You should be describing her memories of him, when he wasn't evil and they were both in love, her emotions as she saw her beloved turn into a monster. Nope, directly to confrontation. It's not even an enticing confrontation at that. Just boring.
Chapter 1 begins and the first thing I see is the author's note:
Am I in the wrong for wanting to punch the author because of that sentence? I feel like I might but it isn't completely undeserved.
The chapter goes through, well, everything in fewer words than the prologue. Luna's transformation into Nightmare Moon is like less than a paragraph. That entire fucking thing should expand on everything. The emotions Luna's feeling, her thought process, her worry and fear of being discovered, that was all compressed in one short sentence! Jesus fuck, you're throwing away perfect opportunity here!
The chapter ends with Luna being banished and that's all she wrote. Literally, this fic barely meets the minimum requirements.
You're wasting a decent premise. If you put in some more time and effort into this, then maybe, just maybe it could something enjoyable. Alas, this is not the case.
4955549 I don't have time. I'm an 8th grader and my parents are strict. I don't get much free time for whatever the hell I want to do.
4955580 You do realize that good literature is something that takes time, effort, and creativity to make? I'm not saying you can't write good literature and I'm not saying that you shouldn't write at all, but wouldn't those constraints be something that would discourage you from writing to begin with?
4955603 yes, but I don't have a life either.. I need something to do other than stare at a wall
4955635 How about improving your story?
4955639 I would do that, but I'm not supposed to be up and I can't do it on my phone because it crashes too much.
4955659 Are you editing the story directly off of fimfiction?
4955664 yes
4955685 There's your problem. My suggestion would be to use google docs instead to write and edit the fic, then upload it to Fimfiction.
4955372
That's not Old English; this is Old English:
"Þa cydde man me, þæt us mara hearm to fundode, þonne us wel licode: and þa for ic me sylf mid þam mannum þe me mid foron into Denmearcon, þe eow mæst hearm of com: and þæt hæbbe mid godes fultume forene forfangen, þæt eow næfre heonon forð þanon nan unfrið to ne cymð, þa hwile þe ge me rihtlice healdað and min lif byð."
Just about anyone would (and should) have difficulty with that. But since we're discussing what's known as Early Modern English, that makes the errors a bit less forgiveable. Especially since I know a few people who could, in fact, manage to get thee/thou/thy/thine correct off the tops of their heads. It's not that difficult, after all. (Hint: you don't just pick one out of a hat.)
Guess you've never seen a Shakespeare play, have you?
You first. After all, little girl, you're the one who has school in the morning.
I'm not studying it. I have what's called a "memory", which allows me to recall things I've learned in the past.
4955539
Which one of those conditions gives you an excuse for being a whiny little bitch?
Well, if they actually gave a shit about the story they were writing and wanted to get details correct, that's something they might do. Good writers do research about topics that come up in their writing.
4955833 Nobody cares. Just stop picking fights with people younger than you.
4955877
She picked the fight, not me.
4955890 ok fine, you're right sorry.
4955833 your right about something none of those conditions give me an excuse to be a whiny bitch and im not going to sit here for 3 hours listing the rest because im reading silent ponyville right now so im going to ask you what condition do you have that lets you be an asshole and
2 no i haven't seen a shakespeare play.
3 i'm a guy you prick
4 i have to many bad memories so i forget easily
now im going to agree with you on 1 thing the difference between thou and thee might be pretty obvious and should be corrected, you dont have to be a fucker about it
4955984
It's known as "being correct". I've suffered it for ages...
4955833 oh, thank God. This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
Here's a suggestion for the author. I realize you're just starting out. Slow down. Take your time. Try to pick topics that are closer to something you know. I'm a practiced writer, and it takes me forever because I check everything.
4955877 thanks but i can handle anything he throws at me
4955999 is that what you say to boost your self confidence?
4955984
Now that you've edited your comment to add more to it, I'd like to remind you of something:
You're the one who came in swinging.
All I said was that if someone was incapable of doing Task X, maybe they shouldn't do Task X. (In this case, writing in a dated form of the English language.) You jumped in with both feet and started name-calling, which is why you've earned all of the abuse I've sent your way.
4956024
I don't have to say it; everyone else tells me, too.
4956037 i do apologize OK but i don't think that is correct, you try again and again and again til you get better, so you are correct i got a bit to aggressive but that's only because when someone tells me not to try something ever again I'm insulted and I've been bullied a lot so i just feel the need to defend someone when i see a similar situation OK once again i apologize
4956075
That's fine. Let's put this behind us.
4956097 agreed
4955905 You must be really unlucky, because whenever you post a story, there is ALWAYS a shitstorm in the comments...
I suggest possibly putting more time into individual stories, rather than churning them out quickly, and possibly getting an editor.
I love the idea you have here, but here's some advice. Make the chapters longer, it will get more people's attention and get more praise. Ignore the haters, I think you will be a great writer someday!
~Diamondburritos
Man fuck the haters i the cat approve of this story it is so fab.
Best thing ever written mother fuckers
If you want some advice i would give less information in the description of the story, it can ruin the surprise a story may have if you give the information straight up and front. I do see the plot having potential if the story was reworked, but this is far from the worst fanfic i have ever seen .