Shinzakura
Joined 4th Mar, 2012 ·
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You mentioned USC. Since I'm from South Carolina, I instantly think of the University of South Carolina when I see that Abreviation. I assume however, that you mean the University of Southern California due to the location in the story here.
Also, good story.
Very well done. A like and fave from me.
I'd like to see the rest also what stories did you think were similar? I don't know them.
I would very much like to see the rest of this as well. Its a good read thats thought out. A lot of rough edges but still good. I know you were 'doing a thing' with the title, but I have to say it just looks kinda sloppy. Maybe if you capitalize it with the periods? I also thought thatthere were way too many t when you told instead of showed. Like when they talked face to face the first time, you just summarized the conversation in a paragraph instead of letting us actually see it. That wasn't thr only time either. Otherwise its a great first/early work, especially for a long format story!
I love the background Image seem really nice.
Love it. More. I need MOAR!
4943634 actually, more like an unfinished idea that I put out here; certainly an earlier work, but given my age, not by any means a first one
Furthermore, the titling is meant to evoke a type of period romance (no, not that kind of period.) If I show the rest, I may just expand it.
Several grimdark and clop fics would like to disagree...
I enjoyed this. I like the way you portray Moon, and the pacing feels pretty natural too, which lends itself well to the story.
4943852 Well, you can only Lumberjack so long before you go Lumberjacking, I guess.
He, she, we, WUMBO. I FOUND A REFERENCE!
I wish to see more please!
Oh wait, its over? Well its good story here!
i would like to see the rest please
4943339
Still looking for the other, but the first one is To Befriend a Shadow
MORE, soon, right? Please? :D
continue on I like this it is also very good quality with minimal errors.
4945082
And I didn't have it edited at all. Wait until the expanded version.
wumbo
I take it Bolt A was too big for Slot C. Ouch.
Anyway, makes Luna's statement about her dark powers gone from her more interesting if Moon was a part of her. Though Moon got it wrong. Celestia did not banish her to Earth, it was the EoH being used by other ponies.
4945267
Given how big Slot C is, if Bolt A is too big...well, it's like that one scene from Scary Movie 4 I'll bet.
I thought was a really sweet, well told story. I loved the way you portrayed Moon and how both her sense of loss and North's brought them together. Really very touching and well done. I'd really enjoy reading more of this series!
Wow I love this story. I hope you might post the rest up, it really is that good.
4945092
Yeah I too found it very good ( I will look out for future chapters!) and only nitpick would be
"North’s asleep right now, because there’s enough space and sound barriers between our house and the neighbor’s, so he wouldn’t be able to hear anything."
- because there are (...) barriers
amk.cool/images/discussion/original/39af81da424611c060a5db7e093fccb678ac38fd.jpg
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7633047552/h7F824054/
Please count me among the interested. I think this setup is wonderful.
Awh dat wus so cute
you tried.
So cute. More!
Thigh, not flank.
Also, those things you keep placing in between certain paragraphs, I'm not sure what they're called, but they end up looking ugly in any colour other than white. And I'm pretty sure majority of the users have the background set to a different colour so it's not so hard on the eyes at night. Iunno, that's just what I gathered. That's just me nitpicking because of a personal opinion. The story isn't... bad...
First night having sex smells chocolate... Discord... all im saying.
Also big rainbow lightshow? I thought for a sec that he was going to get home early, see her, try and help her and they both go POOF... OFF TO EQUESTRIA!
I don't have to say much... except thank you ever so much for an effort and love you've put into every word of this wonderful story.
Well, if you were planning on making this into a Young Adult novel, I'd say you have a difficult if maybe rewarding road ahead; most YA novel don't have protagonists in their thirties.
Also, I was aggressively angry at them both for not trying to show Nightmare Moon to the world in a controlled setting and researching magic* and how to apply it to the human world-but that's probably just me.
*her "ritual" for example, could be used to heal people who have to go on wheelchairs. Hells, even basic telekinesis, if used by human doctors, could mean scalpel-less (and thus much safer) surgery.
4947072
Hence why this is the original version; in the prospective YA draft, North is in his Freshman year of college, his wealth comes from his deceased parents and Rachel is a high school girlfriend killed in a car accident during their sophomore year.
Also, regarding NMM's case, to use the TVTropes bit, "They Would Cut You Up."
Author, the mention of his member hurting her during sex confuses me a bit. If Moony was a maiden mare and his member tore her hymen, then that would make sense. But you express it as if he is too big for her. If our ponies are anything like actual equines, then a male's member should be greater in length and girth than that of a human, and the female's vagina should be large enough to accommodate a stallion. If anything I would expect her to be (slightly) underwhelmed rather than overwhelmed. Could you clear up this confusion for me?
4947203
As a scientist, that trope makes me incredibly angry and frustrated. Seriously, the ONLY unwilling experimentation done on sentients was in Nazi Germany.
EDIT: just found out that the Japanese did it too on prisoners of war, again, during WWII
And even animal testing has to go through a series of hoops and regulations you wouldn't believe. (As proven by an "animal rights group" that ""freed"" some lab rats in Italy...which promptly died, since they were used to being cared for in controlled conditions and succumbed to a host of infections).
What they could is put up a series of videos on YouTube (which, thanks to the Streisand effect, simply will not be censored) explaining Moon's concern and asking for assurance before revealing where she is.
Heck, she could plausibly ask for asylum at the United Nations... They're big on fundamental rights, aren't they?
post all chapters
4946804 The chocolate thing is female pony pheromones. You'll see the same in his other stories.
4947366
Well, given that my day job is here, I'm no stranger to the scientific process. However, given that the UN is a pan-governmental organization, but not a government itself, it cannot offer asylum - and that's something Moon wouldn't be aware of, anyway.
4947442
North might, though.* And I don't think any government official would be willing to brave the PR fallout of capturing a cute unicorn who's begging for her life-especially if her last video is "if I don't post a new video tomorrow, this means your government has kidnapped me. I come in peace: please don't hurt me. And if they do kidnap me...think about who your leaders are, and what they're willing to do. And what they would be willing to do to you".
And nowhere do I say that she has to let the public know where she is. She could film the videos, put them on a USB key, teleport North or herself to a town in Canada, go in an internet cafè and set things up so it's uploaded three hours later (or North could go by airplane, w/e).
While using more than seven proxies, of course.
And only once she's sufficiently sure she has enough public support could she go and meet people face to face.
It would still be a risk, but it would be a calculated one, and it could probably pay dividends for her quality of life.
*And she could ask for asylum from a different country-it worked for Julian Assange and Edward Snowden.
4947203
This would probably work even better-it would add even more to his feelings of isolation, and it would make the romance even more believable if both of them were relatively inexperienced when it comes to relationships (Rachel being his first girlfriend, I presume).
And I didn't notice before, but this story would work even better than I thought as a YA novel! That is because Moon's problems with, well, sex, would be felt very strongly by a young female audience.
To give an example, part of the reason Buffy the Vampire Slayer did so well is that in one of its first season it had a plotline where immediately after the title character gave her virginity to a "good" vampire, he immediately turned evil-thus mirroring the unconscious fear of girls afraid that their boyfriend would leave immediately after having sex with them.
Out of curiosity, what species would Moon be in the YA novel?
Thank you. It was an interesting read. If you have plans to publish the rest of the story, then i will be quite pleased and very thankful.
I hope you publish the rest of your novella I really REALLY want to see where this story goes. I want to see how this relationship will blossom
Okay, I've read this and you certainly have my interest! It definitely shows that this is an early/unpolished work, but that's easily fixable. The story itself feels like the typical pony/human story that I've read all over this site, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like how you addressed the whole "its like beastiality but not really" thing that most fics like this just kinda skirt around. The one thing that strikes me as kind of weird is how NMM is just kind of... no longer evil. I'd personally like to know how she went from being the cackling evil villain in the show to the timid, sweet and repentant mare we see here. I also think its really interesting that you've created both the most likeable version of Nightmare Moon we see here and the most evil, complete monster we see in AAG.
All in all, good job with this I can't wait to read more. And please, save yourself some extra effort and don't thank me for faving! The only thanks I need is more content from you!
Shin, this has to be the most beautiful novella you've ever written. I've never seen Nightmare Moon like this before. It's like you pick a piece of canon and reinvent it in a way that makes people shed tears of liquid pride!
I can see where you find it similar to existing fics. But this is still a great story and I enjoyed reading it immensely, I do hope you post the rest of the story.