fifteen. he. beachside cottage.
I’m pushing my car up the Cabrillo Highway, just past Harmony, headed towards Cambria, doing multiples of the speed limit. I needed some time alone to get my head in gear for the past few days and how I would deal with my relationship with Moon.
It’s not that anything’s changed or that I feel any different about her…it’s just what I dealt with earlier this morning.
I pull off the 605 onto Peck Road, heading southbound towards the part where it changes into Workman Mill Road, past Rio Hondo Community College and into the gates of Rose Hills Mortuary and Memorial Park – depending on who you ask, it’s one of the three largest cemeteries in the world, and possibly the largest. From an article I read last year, it recently grew even larger, because someone’s gotta be taken care of when they die and the living need a place to remember where they put their loved ones.
A few minutes later and after a quick stop for the biggest bouquet I could get at the flower shop, I’m here by Sycamore Lake, looking at the well-tended lawns by the artificial lake and the gravestones of people who cared for their loved ones enough to ensure they had the best spot possible for eternity – and eternity costs a pretty penny. It was Don and Tae who took care of all this for me; I was obviously falling apart at the time and my parents were dealing with the legal aspect of it all.
And so I walk up to the one truly noticeable grave between Miguel and Teresa Martinez, may they rest in peace; and Sgt. Benjamin Provident, Honorable Officer, Husband and Father, may he rest in peace as well. And towering over them in a beautiful marble statue that looks so lifelike that it’s taken me forever not to take its hand and pray to God that He would make it come to life and bring her back to me, is a grave.
RACHEL MARGARET EMERSON-SHORES
Beloved Daughter and Wife
I set the flowers down gently on the base of the tombstone. “Happy birthday, Rachel,” I tell her as my eyes start to sting as I know what’s coming next. “I love you and miss you, sweetheart.” It’s at this point that I’m so damn glad that my brother and my sister-in-law know how much I loved Rachel enough that they had a marble bench placed by the grave as well, because I’ve used it so many times that I’ve probably engraved it with my buttcheeks. I sit down, bawling like a baby for what I’ve lost, and curse Russell as I always do. But Rachel’s long gone and Russell is safely behind bars where I fucking hope he rots forever, and I’m alone.
No, I’m not alone. Not anymore. And I think it’s time I told Rachel that.
“Rachel, honey, remember that roommate I told you I have? Well, it went farther than that, and….” I sigh; this is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. “I’m in love again. Moon. I love her. It doesn’t matter to me that she’s not human; she’s right for me.” I am sooooo glad nobody’s around to hear that little part of my confession. “She’s not a replacement for you – she’ll never be. And I love and miss you every day of my life; that’s never going to change. But I love Moon and I just wanted you to know that I’m doing okay?”
I feel so damn ashamed of myself right now. I feel like the flowers I’m offering my dead wife are nothing more than a bribe, hush money to keep her memory from haunting me even as I’m in bed with my current girl – the same one I once shared with Rachel. I know there’s no reason to be guilty, and as far as I know, Rachel would be thrilled I’ve moved on…
Then why am I not? I love Moon, pure and simple. And it’s not as though I’ll ever forget Rachel – I couldn’t even if I tried. And yet I don’t know what else to say to appease my personal hangups while talking to a grave. And as I crouch down in front of Rachel’s eternal resting place, I don’t even have the strength to face my wife.
It’s right now, more than anything, that I’m glad Moon’s off in Canada doing whatever it is for Molloy, because I’m not sure I could face her right now. Her, Katie or anyone else.
And maybe, just maybe, I can hope to find peace for myself, because it’s in those moments where you’re at your weakest that a miracle comes.
…
Okay, miracle?
You can show up now.
Really.
I sigh and let my shoulders slump. Guess that’s what I get for believing in redemption. Part of me is still trapped in the hell of being without Rachel, and that’s the part that I suppose Russell will forever have control over me. I hate that, just as much as I hate him. Maybe that’s there because I can’t forgive, but…I can’t. He murdered the girl he raised. He murdered my wife. Maybe this would be so much easier if it had been a random break-in gone south and some random thug sitting in prison, but all I can think of is the overweight man with the receding hairline and Ned-Flanders-gone-wrong mustache giving me her hand at the wedding telling us that he wished all the happiness for us…and then to find out that as part of his confession, he had been thinking of planning the murder right then. I can’t even fathom that: “Oh, here’s my niece’s hand in marriage, cherish her for all time because I’m going to kill both of you not too long from now!”
It makes me wonder if Ronan Farrow feels like this sometimes; met him at a journalists’ convention. We chatted for a bit, traded business cards and the like. And when I think that my life is hell, I think of him. At least my personal demon is in jail. His is a constant reminder whenever he looks in the mirror.
I get up to go. I’m an emotional wreck right now and I need to get out of here. Maybe I’ll just go take a drive somewhere, find a Tommy’s and glut myself with enough greasy chili goodness that my arteries will clog and sanity will stick in my brain as a result.
I never got that miracle. Shortly after that, I got in the car and just let my mind carry me away, letting the blankness overcome me until I realize I’m several counties and hours to the north of home.
It’s right about then that I hear a sound like the pop of a balloon, followed with the rumble of my car and the thumping of the back end tells me exactly what I need to know: blew a tire. I pull over to the side of the road and reach for my phone to call AAA; I could probably change the tire myself, but given how fast I was going there’s a chance the rim’s a little warped as well. I spend a few minutes on the phone with a pretty friendly girl who assures me that there’s a truck coming from Cambria on the way.
I get out of the car and look around at the late afternoon sky. Around me is nothing but the black ribbon of pavement and rolling hills touched with the dying colors that is typical California foliage nowadays – I remember when all this kind of stuff was actually green. About a dozen yards to the west of me, past the hills, is the Pacific and the rocky shoreline. And as I take it all in, I wonder just what the hell it is I’m doing here.
South is where my wife lies in eternity and where I keep home with my not-always-exactly-a-girl girlfriend. North is where my wife once called home. East and west? They don’t factor into this equation.
A few minutes later, as the sun starts to complete its journey to the other side of the Pacific, I see the tow truck coming. This should be fun. And I see the man swing over to get by my car, I’m already under the impression that I won’t be making it home tonight.
Half an hour later, I’m at the lone auto shop in Cambria. The mechanic, a weathered man in his fifty with short sandy hair, a flannel shirt, a Dodgers ballcap and a demeanor that looks like he’d probably be more at home in the character actors stable in Hollywood than here in a small town, looks at me and says, “You know, you’re lucky as hell.”
“How so?”
“Well, the obvious is that you blew your left rear tire; we can fix that instantly and your rim didn’t take any damage, so you’re good there. Problem is, your axle is starting to come off on the front left tire, and, well…the short answer is that your car is legally undrivable until you get it fixed.” He then goes into a long explanation of why it is and while I really don’t know much about car repair, the tone in his voice makes it clear that what happened was very, very bad. Just to make sure, I whip out ye olde smartphone and look up exactly what he says.
Ouch. Yeah, looks like I dodged a bullet there.
Well, that or I dodged having one peeved alicorn fussing over me because I got in an accident.
“How long is it going to take to fix?” I ask.
He gives me the kind of look that indicates I’m not going to like the answer, and sure enough, I don’t. “I don’t have the part in stock,” he tells me, “but I can see if anyone in the area has it; if so I can have it fixed by tomorrow. If not, it’ll take a couple of days.” The look on his face seems sincere enough and not like he’s going to take me for a ride. “Don’t worry about the garaging costs,” he also comments. “No charge on that until we get the parts in.”
“Looks like I’m going to need to find a hotel. Any suggestions?”
Twenty minutes later, I’m getting out of the tow truck again in front of the Moonstone Beach Cottages – I have to admit, I chose the name based on…well, that should be rather obvious. As Buck drives off, I briefly wonder how much it would cost to convince him to move to LA, as honest mechanics are worth their weight in gold there. Fortunately, I had my laptop in the back seat, so I’m not hurting for entertainment, and the town’s small enough that I can walk around and get some stuff. It’s early enough in the evening that I can still swing by a few stores and pick up a change of clothing.
After a nice chat with the lovely old woman who runs the place – turns out she reads my mother’s column in the local paper, so she gives me one of the best bungalows on the spot – I walk with key in hand to my new temporary dwelling place. I think about calling someone and letting them know about what happened to me, but as I slip into the bungalow, I opt to send texts to both Carrie and Katie, so that nobody’s worrying about me. I briefly think about sending one to Moon, but chances are, she’s got her hands – or hooves, given her mood – full, so I’m not going to bother.
The place is, in a word, gorgeous. Mona wasn’t joking when she said she was giving me one of their top-of-the-line spots: this place looks like it’s furnished to permanently live here. Given the décor and the immaculate way this place is, this has to be one of their honeymoon suites. Hope I didn’t take it from some couple.
A rumble in my stomach picks that moment to remind me that I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I can feel guilt about theoretically ousting a theoretical newlywed couple out of their theoretical rental later. Right now, it’s time to find a restaurant around here that serves something.
Luckily for me, I know just the place.
Note to self: if I ever bring Moon here, make sure I swing her by the Shoreside Bar & Grill. My mom reviewed this place a few years back and the gist of her review was simply that this place has the best burgers and fries outside of Tommy’s. Their Big Sur Burger, in particular, is supposed to be meaty, messy and filled with the kind of chili that Moon hates – she prefers In-N-Out over Tommy’s, go figure – but to me, that’s just what the doctor ordered. And as I’m looking at the menu, part of me is just tempted to hand it to the waitress and say “yes”.
At the moment, the place is mostly empty, save for the waitstaff and a couple of other people here, including a cute girl that just sat down a few seconds after I did. She’s looking at the ocean right now, and I can’t help but notice that she has a particular look on her face that I know all too well – it wasn’t that long ago that I had the same one. It was the kind of expression that all but painted a Picasso-style picture of heart-ripping loss and soul-crushing pain, the kind I had when I lost Rachel. Worse, given that she’s looking at the ocean, her gaze doesn’t quite imply that she’s suicidal, but that she’s mentally broached the concept. Sad as it is, I have to admit that I know how that is, too.
She then sees me looking at her and glares at me. Again, I’m going to hate myself for admitting it, but I don’t know many girls of Asian extraction with blue eyes, and hers are that otherworldly ice-blue you see rarely with platinum blondes, and pretty much never with dark-haired girls who, I’m guessing, are probably part Chinese or Japanese or something like that. And as she gets up from her seat and walks over to me – well storms over is probably more like it, I start looking for whatever line I just crossed without intending to.
Unceremoniously, she plops in the chair right across from me, and the world just got a little too small too quickly. “You had better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking, or else I’m going to make you eat that beer bottle,” she warns.
“Look, for one, you just came over here to talk to me, okay?” I point out, probably putting my foot in it. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I guess. “Secondly, if you think I’m coming onto you, I have a girlfriend that I’m happy with, and not looking elsewhere. If anything, I was looking at you because you look like the world just took a huge, steaming dump on you and it reminded me of how it was that way for me not too long ago. That’s all.”
“Oh? So you got screwed over by your fiancé?” she asks, as if we’re going to have some sort of my-life-is-worse-than-yours contest.
Sorry, not in the mood for that. “No, but I went to visit my wife’s grave earlier today. Still haven’t really recovered for that.”
She backs off, but only slightly. “I thought you said you had a girlfriend?”
“I do now. But it took me three years just to get over my wife’s murder to get to the point where I was able to deal with it.”
Her eyes widen and I know I’ve won this little contest we’re not having. “Woah. Hey, sorry, it’s just….” She sighs, and I get the feeling I’m about to become the local confessional. A priest I am not, though I’ll listen, mainly because she probably won’t give me a choice. “I’m…I’m sorry,” she says, just about to get up. “I shouldn’t be here.”
And if the situation isn’t awkward enough, here comes the waitress. “So, are you two ready to order?” she asks, obviously not noticing there’s only one menu here and there’s nobody at the other table where the girl’s menu was.
“Sure, I’ll have the Big Sur, medium well, with chili cheese fries as well. And another one of these,” I add, holding up the bottle. I then look at the girl and gesture. “And what about you?”
She looks at me with no idea of what to say.
“Can you give us a minute?” I ask the waitress, who nods and leaves. I figure this should take the pressure off her. “You okay?” I ask her.
“No,” she tells me. “No, I’m not, and I want to cry but I’m all cried out already and I want to….” She pauses and takes a breath, as if forcing herself to calm down. “You don’t want to hear about it, anyway,” she tells me.
“But you want to tell someone. And sooner or later you have to. So why not tell a stranger?”
She laughs, but it’s bitter. “Tell a stranger what? That just a week before I was about to get married to the greatest guy ever I find out that he’s cheating on me with the caterer. The fucking caterer! Turns out they were seeing each other in high school and she had a thing for him. And then Alan put his thing in her and….” Her words devolved into a sob. I didn’t want to reach over and hold her; that would not only send all kinds of wrong signals, but…let’s just say I don’t relish the idea of jail because someone got the wrong idea.
She wipes her eyes and laughs. “Thanks. Needed that. So, I took the bungalow just to get away.” She laughs pretty bitterly, if my guess isn’t wrong, and then says, “This was supposed to be our honeymoon bungalow. Now, it’s just my retreat from the world until I figure out what’s next. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go back home, not after what I put up with there. Besides, I’ll have to deal with Alan at work and I know that it’s nothing that I really want to deal with; he’ll probably apologize and say it wasn’t anything and that he really loves me and that he wants to make it work.”
“Do you believe him?”
“I might have, once. I might have it if had happened while we were just dating. But the week before the wedding? I couldn’t help but wonder if she was the first…or if I wasn’t the first he did this to. Maybe I’m just being naïve, and that I should expect that from guys—”
Bullshit. I set down my drink and waving my arms, X-style, in front of her. “Oh, hell no. No real guy would ever do that. I treated Rachel like she was the only one for me, because she was the only one for me. I treat Moon the same way. Granted, I don’t claim to speak for all men, but trust me – the real ones don’t think it’s their job to screw over their loved ones.”
“Yeah, and I used to think that guys think that. Now? Not so sure. No offense – you seem like a nice enough guy and all, but why are you here with me in this romantic getaway and not with your gal?”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “Moon’s taking care of some personal business up in Canada – she’s originally from there,” I tell this mystery girl and I feel a slight twinge of guilt as I say it. Not because I’m lying to a stranger, though lying at all is bad, but that she’s right: I should be with Moon right now. I certainly would want to be. “Now as for what I’m doing here, I was taking a drive up the coast, and my car broke down just outside of Harmony. Only staying until it’s fixed, then I’m heading right back home. Believe me, the way the day’s gone for me, I’m much safer there.”
“So then, Mr. Life-is-Perfect, how do I get around this?” she asks me, and I’m not sure at all of what to tell her. Sure, I could give her the old song and dance about how life is going to get better, but that’s bullshit; though yes, it will get better in the long run she’s going to have to live with the pain for quite some time. I’m also sure that she doesn’t want to hear that either; though she knows it’s the truth, generally I’ve found we as people don’t exactly care for hearing much of the truth.
The waitress comes by again and we make the order. She orders a chicken Caesar salad and forgets to ask to put it on a separate tab, which I’m okay with. We wait a couple more minutes before I finally tell her something.
“Look, you probably realize this now, but he wasn’t the guy for you. Not everyone you love you’re meant to be with forever. I thought I was going to be with Rachel until my last breath, but then her murder put a stop to that in the worst way. And now, while I’d like to think I’ll be with Moon until the end of time, I have no assurances that will be the case.” Well, none save for the fact that she’s an immortal alien goddess who can pretty much do whatever she wants, but let’s not get technical, shall we? “Now you know you weren’t meant to be with him, and it’s better that you know this way rather than a horrible divorce with two kids under the belt, a mortgage and so much wrapped in your life that you’ll be struggling for years. You have a chance to bounce back from this – few get that lucky.”
She gives me a smile and maybe I’ve said the right thing – I manage not to screw up once in a while, admittedly. “Wow, that’s really profound. No, seriously, I wouldn’t have expected that from some guy just here in a restaurant in a resort.”
“Eh, I’m a journalist. I get paid to use big words and stuff,” I tell her and she giggles. Yup, still got it.
“Small world, I’m a television anchor. Local news, though – haven’t hit the big time yet.”
Well, Mom always taught me to be polite, so…. “North Shores. I’m EIC for Psifiakon Techon, a tech website.” I offer my hand.
“I read it…love the work. Anyway, I’m Jessica Chan, I’m the evening news anchor for KRXI in Reno.” She shakes my hand and just in time as the waitress comes back.
We sit on the bench outside my bungalow, having had one too many beers and laughing as we’re swapping stories. And as I finish telling the story about the time Cherry brought an elephant gun into the Technon offices and scared Kyoko silly, she’s enjoying it. At least she’s in a better position than she was when I met her.
She takes a swig of her beer and laughs. “Why am I having a blast right now?” she asks me. “Why am I here, laughing it up, instead of being with the guy that cheated on me?”
“Because maybe you deserve someone better than him,” I tell her, because it’s the truth. Guys like that are complete assholes, and from what little I know of Jessica, she deserves so much more.
Which, turns out to be the worst thing I could possibly say.
She looks at me…and then kisses me. Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared for that, and I don’t return it. Yes, Jessica’s cute. And had I been single, maybe this would’ve been the cue to move on. But I’m not single. And all I can see a pair of gorgeous aqua eyes in my head, knowing that the person they belong to is the only girl for me, and that I’m the only one for her. Yes, Jessica is a temptation. But what temptation can hope to be anything against a goddess – and a literal one at that?
Fortunately, I’m not the only one that realizes something’s amiss. Jessica pulls away and whispers, “No. I won’t be like him.” She then looks at me sadly and says, “I’m sorry. I almost made a huge mistake.”
“I wouldn’t have let you, Jessica. You deserve better, and by that I mean you don’t deserve to rebound off him. Take some time off and let your heart decide when it’s time.” She looks at me as if it was the most profound thing she’s ever heard anyone say.
Yeah, clearly it’s the alcohol talking.
“Why aren’t you single?” she asks me seriously. “Why, when….” She sighs and looks at me. “Nevermind. I need to get some sleep. Look, it was nice meeting you North. I hope your girl realizes what a winner she has on her hands.” Taking another beer from the twelve pack, she shuffles off towards her bungalow, probably for a night of crying and regret.
If I was single, I would. Hell, if I was an asshole, I probably would. But I love Moon and we were meant to be for each other.
I get up, pick up the rest of the beer bottles and head back into my own bungalow.
I can only hope that Jessica finds the right guy for her someday. I really do.
I wonder if Moon knows any alicorn stallions?
I get a wakeup call in the morning. It’s from my alicorn sweetie, of course. I tell her where I am and how I got here and she tells me about her misadventures in Guleph. I in turn tell her about being kissed by an Asian beauty, one whose heart was broken and who made an honest mistake.
“Well, if you see her again, you’d better let her know I can’t make a clone of you. Besides, Arturia’s probably got dibs if I did,” she jokes, and I hear the slight telltale crackle of an international line. Even though the US and Canada are in the same phone system, it’s a far enough distance that the signal degrades ever so slightly.
“Hope you come home soon,” I tell her and I mean it. Even as far apart as we’ve been at times, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as closer to her as I do right now. Maybe that was something I needed to learn by coming here, as strange as that is.
We say our goodbyes and I get ready to leave. As I step out of my bungalow, I see a car come to a stop in front of me and the driver rolls down her window to look at me. “Well, I guess this is goodbye then,” she tells me.
“So what’s next for you?” I ask her.
“I’m putting in my two weeks. I can’t work with Alan knowing what he’s done now, and even if he begs for forgiveness…I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again, and I can’t work in that situation.”
I reach into my wallet and give her my card. “If you ever need a reference.”
She laughed. “Sorry, I’m not planning to get a job via the casting couch. Anyway, take care.”
As I watch her drive off, I realize she’s going to be okay.
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Good to see an update
holy shit this is alive!?!?!!
YOU LIVEEE!!!!
Glad to see this back, and I hope it was theraputic as heck to get out and done?
Wow, I've never been in a relationship besides a hormone driven month-long fling almost 30 years ago, but I've had a big steaming pile of crap this year too-- everything's been breaking down, from one end of the house to the other including the car. Racked up $12,000 so far, double it if you include a new used car. (Still not done getting raked over as the gas fitting for the new stove is fused in the open position and no one can turn it off so that'll have to get replaced too at $100/hr as well)
Very glad to see this get updated! Your stories always put me in a good mood (except during the heartrending emotional parts, I'm not quite that much of a sociopath.)
8328161
Not really, but it needed to get done, so....
8328350 After reading the author's notes, definitely can't blame you for holding off on writing this.
For something similar, eerily so at times, to something you've written, or are writing happen in the real world is one of the cruelest 'jokes' life can play on a writer, I suppose.
Hope you're doin' alright though.
8328456
I've heard rumors that I'll live.
Powerful chapter.
8329064
:|
Update!!! Yay.
And now to reread from the start cause I am so lost.
Beautiful chapter and my condolences for your grandmother
8328350
And we thank you for having updated.
It lives! I'm fangazming right now.
And my grandpa died this February. I may be a heartless asshole, but I somehow accepted that one day everyone would die and we should just spend a little more time with the people we care about, even if not talking for a couple of days is completely fine and you don't have to make phone calls every three hours to ask and tell. So spend some time together before the day have come for you or them.
Finally caught up! Welp, time to activate the tracking beacon!
8331497
Thank you.
This meeting is going to cause problems in the future, just a matter of WHEN
8339711
First time I have seen my last name in a story oh and my last name is shores
this is probably for me the most unexpected turn in this story
Heh...