Lose Yourself

by QuestionLovesAnswer

Chapter 4

Spike felt absolutely miserable. In the three days since his fight with Twilight, he had gone from boiling rage to a smoldering depression that seemed to crawl under his skin, devouring any peace of mind he might have had. He was still angry with Twilight, but he was even more disgusted with himself. Every time he remembered her face as she sobbed into her hooves, he wanted to scream at himself. But he sure as hay wasn't going to go back to the library. He'd meant it when he told Twilight that it wasn't his home anymore. And besides, with everything that he'd said to her, with all the hurtful words that he'd hit her with, that bridge was probably burned beyond recovery. He didn't even have the courage to go to the library and face her to apologize.

Since leaving the library, he had been living like a vagrant. Spike knew that Ponyville was about as safe a town as it got, but he didn't want to take any chances, so he had been keeping his things and sleeping in the sprawling orchards of Sweet Apple Acres. It had been okay so far, but he was nervous about what he was going to do the next time the Pegasus ponies brought the rain. And he didn't even want to think about what would happen once it started to snow. He shook his head and sighed to himself, wondering how almost everything in his life could have gotten so messed up in so short a time.

Spike was basically a wreck. Not only was he guilt-tripping about what had happened between him and Twilight, he wasn't sleeping nearly enough; every time he did manage to ease his eyes shut, his dreams only seemed to suck out more of his energy instead of giving him peaceful rest. It didn't help that he hadn't eaten anything other than the mushy apples covering the ground at the orchards since he had left the library.

There was one positive side to this raging clusterbuck that his life had fallen into: It gave him what he needed to write. Since he had hung his hat at the orchards, he had been writing almost non-stop. It had gotten to the point where he was erasing what he'd written and re-writing it in ridiculously small print, just to give him more space. But when Spike was putting words down on the page, it seemed to lessen the endless burning in his skull that had been there since leaving the library.

"I thought I might find you here; I've already looked everywhere else."

Even though he recognized the voice, it still made Spike jolt upright.

"Sweetie Belle?! What are you…"

He trailed off into silence as Sweetie Belle sat down beside him. For a while, she sat silently with her legs drawn up to her chest, resting her head on her knees. When he took a good look at her, Spike was taken aback by what he saw. There were massive bags under her eyes, her mane was an absolute mess, and there seemed to be no life in her at all. The last time he'd seen Sweetie Belle, she had seemed so cheerful and happy to be alive; what had happened to her in the three days since then to make her look so…beaten? Eventually, she broke the silence.

"Twilight told me about what happened...Don't worry, I don't blame you for what you did…I understand perfectly."

Her voice cracked as she said those last three words; she looked like she was choking back tears, but Spike had no idea why. His curiosity about what had happened to her was only deepening."

"Sweetie Belle…are you okay? Is something wrong?"

For the first time since she had sat down beside him, she turned to look him straight in the eye. He was startled by the rage that he saw burning in her eyes.

"Is something wrong?! What the hay do you think, Spike?!! I went to the library three days ago to ask Twilight if you and I could go out that night, and she just fell apart on me! She told me that you'd left and she had no idea where you were! Do you have any idea how worried, how frustrated I've been since then?! You just disappeared! Why didn't you tell me about this? Why didn't you at least tell me where you were?! Damn it Spike, I love you, but I won't stand for you just…just…"

Her voice shrank to a whisper as she looked down at the ground. There were tears running down her face. Finally, she finished her sentence.

"…just abandoning me."

Spike was at a loss for words; he felt so stupid, so worthless. He hadn't even thought about Sweetie Belle since he'd left the library, how could he have just forgotten her, just ignored her like he had? And how could he not have thought that she might feel this strongly for him? He wanted to punch himself in the face.

"Sweetie Belle, I…I'm so sorry…I didn't know…"

Yet again, he trailed off into silence, feeling even more worthless than before. After a while, Sweetie Belle started talking again.

"Rarity and I had a fight the day after you left the library. She found out about the band…about us…I don't know how. I had no idea she could get so angry…she said that 'no sister of hers would ever do something so obscene, so vulgar as to go to a place like that and get up on stage in front of all those ponies dressed like a harlot'. Her exact words."

Sweetie Belle stopped for a moment to try to regain her composure. After a little bit, she seemed to decide that it didn't matter and she continued.

"And then…then she started screaming about you and me seeing each other. She said that she couldn't believe that I would do something so stupid as to think it would be alright for you and me to be together. I never figured Rarity for a…for a…but the things she said…you have no idea how hard it was for me to hear her say those things, for me to listen to my own sister calling me a whore."

As she went on, Sweetie Belle had slipped into a dead voice, completely empty of emotion. She stared off into space, her eyes unseeing, as if she were sitting alone in a dark empty place and talking to no one but herself.

"And then, right when I thought that things couldn't get any worse…I went back to school the next day…nopony would talk to me…they kept looking at me like I had some kind of disease…they kept whispering behind my back…and then somepony passed me a note in class." She laughed bitterly, then went on. "You know what it said, Spike? It said 'How's it feel to be a scale-sucker?'…I cried right there in front of everypony, and none of them acted like they even noticed. You have no idea how completely alone I felt, how much I wanted to just run away and never stop running… and every bucking day since then has been exactly the same."

Spike felt so low, so selfish; his own problems were nothing compared to what had happened to Sweetie Belle. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but he had no idea how she would react. And then she solved his dilemma for him. She turned to him and grabbed him in an almost painfully tight embrace.

"Spike…I know that we've only been together for a few days, but…I love you. You're the only one who acts like you even care about my problems, the only one that I feel happy to be around…you're the only one I feel like I can trust anymore…Please, don't make me regret that."

"Sweetie Belle…I promise, I will never hurt you. You can believe me when I say that."

He felt her grasp lose some of its frantic tightness as she relaxed.

"Thank you, Spike…you don't know how much that means to me."

For a while they just lay there, their arms around each other. Then Spike said something he should have told her a long time ago.

"I love you too, Sweetie Belle."

She smiled then, one of those brilliant smiles that seemed to shine brighter than the sun. She didn't respond to him, at least not in words. Instead, she pressed her lips against his and held them there. Spike had no second thoughts about returning her kiss; this time, it just felt like the most natural thing in the world. After what felt like hours, she broke off from the kiss and laid her head on his chest. For a while, they were both silent. Just as Spike was about to say something though, he was interrupted by a massive snore from Sweetie Belle. He chuckled to himself. She was probably even more tired than…

He fell asleep before he got any further.

Comments

I raged like a troll after that argument I cried deeply in my soul

[SatOnACat]

This reminds me so much about me when I was 17 a year ago literally an exact ponyfied version of my life a year ago

[kingthe13]

653150 so you had sex with a dragon behind a bar... jk
ehh lifes a bitch and it will surprise you how people change and how fast things can spin out of control

[Dark Cookie]

Rarity must be burned for the witch that she is. Heh if anypony is a whore it is her Burn the witch!

[mbpony 512]

Wow, one would think that Rarity would take a chill pill and realize that this is what happens when your sister grows up and your "assistance helper" finds another crush to be with.

Also, one would also think that Sweetie's own friends would stand by her in her time of need.

Still, an emotional chapter aftermath after such a heated last chapter.

Something tells me that the other ponies should at least try to help mend bridges, like Applejack.

Still, keep up the good work upon such a great tale like this one.

[Enduring Man-Child]

Wait a minute...so the Rarity in this story is an anti-dragon bigot???

[Golden Fang Ryu Shenron]

And this is why Rarity is my least favorite character, aside from Applejack and Rainbow Dash.