• Member Since 28th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Friday

WezzaHD

I just write whatever I feel like writing really. Likes: MLP, Pokemon, Steven Universe, Gravity Falls and FNaF. I'm working through my procrastination.

WezzaHD Joined 28th Aug, 2014 · Offline

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Who is he? What does he want? If he luring her into the forest, or is t something else? Why does he avoid Luna? Why does Fluttershy dream about him? How and why is Zecora having similar dreams? With Applejack's help, they can find out just what he wants and why he is here.
Chapters (1)
Incomplete Published: Aug 29th, 2014 Download
1,777 words
Comments ( 1 )
goaway
goaway #1 · Aug 29th, 2014 · · ·
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The animals weren't where this time around.

There.

Angel gave her a sceptic look,

Sceptical.

then went back to sleep.

Stupid, evil, uncaring rabbit. :twilightangry2:

No pony was there, nothing, it was just a dream, a dream she had been having for a couple of days, same grey pony every time, and every time the dream occurred, he got closer.

Runs on a bit. Consider a full-stop or semi-colon after "just a dream".

She poured coffee for herself as she thought it over.

She just has fresh pots of coffee lying around? This is one of those bits where you could show her mulling things over while going through the motions of brewing the coffee. Character development PLUS extra words. Every little helps.

(Later that day)

Incorporate this into the description of what's going on.

after about two hours of nothing but pure stubbornness.

Did I mention that rabbit is pure evil? :twilightangry2:

She was afraid to open her eyes, she kept them shut.

Instead of the comma, how about so?

She looked around her, she had to get to Twilight, maybe she knew what happened to her, she must have a book or something, with her symptoms.

Full-stop/semi-colon after Twilight. Maybe describing/explaining her symptoms instead of with her symptoms?

She sort- of- shouted at him.

She either shouted or she didn't. I know what you're trying to say, that it was a quiet shout, but describe what that entails.

"Fluttershy, Fluttershy!"

This is repeated quite a few times, so I'll just mention it once: each iteration of Fluttershy should have its own exclamation point.

She didn't know what in the hay was going through her head, at that moment,

Don't need the comma after head.

you know the Everfree forest is dangerous!"

Capital is needed.

'Grey pony'

It hasn't been capitalised before.

Interesting start. :twilightsmile:

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