• Member Since 13th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 29th, 2015

Lavenderheart


You are what you love, not who loves you.

E

Cheese Sandwich. Premier party planner in ALL of Equestria.
Has a crush on Pinkie Pie.
Cheese has felt this way for a long time. He wasn't able to stop thinking about her. So, he does something reasonable.
He visits her.
Pinkie decides to throw a party, and let's just say that she leaves some "hints" during the planning.
A CheesePie fic. I'm not sure how long it will be. Hope you like it!! WARNING: THE CHAPTERS ARE SHORT. DON'T COMPLAIN: I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR SUPER DUPER LONG CHAPTERS
Cover art is by me.(IT'S AN OLD DRAWING XD)

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 40 )

Hi! Glad to see you working on something! Do you mind a few suggestions?

Whenever a different character speaks, there should be a new paragraph--or you shouldn't have two different characters speaking in the same paragraph. So it should look like this:

Cheese followed her upstairs. She opened her door, and they stepped inside. Balloons and decorations littered the room. It looked really great to Cheese. "Wow, Pinkie! You're good at decorating!"

Pinkie blushed and looked up at him. "Th-thanks Cheesie. I really worked hard."

I'd suggest leaving out

(they are still in Sugar Cube Corner)

That's because it breaks up the narrative and pulls us out of the story. Here, you don't even have to do that, because they've been in Sugarcube Corner the whole time and Pinkie gets behind the counter, so you can just let the reader assume that they are at Sugarcube Corner. When you do have to change places or times, do it like this:

It was barely 6 AM when Pinkie woke up at Sugarcube Corner.

and not like this:

6 AM, Sugarcube Corner.
Pinkie woke up.

Those are some small, easy fixes you can do.

There's a 'give me some sugar' moment in there.

(\ returning the brohoof :twilightsmile:

Oh, and you can do your own cover art, which is something I couldn't do in a billion years. Nice!
Sorry about the duplicate comment-- that's what the deleted one is.

Comment posted by scoots2 deleted Aug 31st, 2014

4930095 Thanks for the suggestions! I'll try harder on the next chapters!:pinkiehappy:

4930888 Thanks-I like to draw! That's how I got my idea for my own cover art. Glad you like it!:twilightblush:

wow... so short... well for me..:pinkiehappy:. Good Job Btw:pinkiesmile:

4931844 Thanks! It's not done though, that's why it's short. I'm glad you like it!:twilightsmile:

This story is so Cute :pinkiehappy::heart:

idec that the chapters are short but can i ask something?:twilightsmile:

This is brilliant. Ten moustaches for you. :moustache:

4951166 oh wow Yahoo gave this too me late oh well i forgot the question nvm :applejackunsure:

oh dear RD is shipping wonder how that will turn out XD :derpytongue2:

This is quite rushed and very short... BUT I FREAKIN LOVE IT! It's so cute and sweet and perfect and awesome and inspiring and supercalifragalisticexspialidosious and PURE AMAZING!!!

I wish I found this sooner

I love RD shipping these two! I'd never expect that and thats why I love it!!! I AM OFF TO CONTINUE THIS GRAND ADVENTURE!

-wait.... NO MOREEE!!!

I


NEED


MORE


OR


I


WILL

DIIIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIEEEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEE
please

5547442 Aight, I'll update it now!:twilightsmile:

5547462 I'm so excited to read it!!!

OMG I LOVE ITTTTT!!!!! I laughed when RD said "My ship is sailing!" HAHAHAHHAHAAH Thats me! I love your storyY! I am a bit hyper as it it like 11:28 as I write this! I totally love your storyyy!!! Keep on writing!

Bravo my friend. If I ever did finish your story, I wouldn't have the funny humor you have . My humor is not that good, no one laughs at my jokes.:twilightblush: I can't wait for more!

5547960 Thanks! Gee, I'm not that good at humor in my opinion. Glad you think so!^.^

5549532 Your welcome my friend! I will soon have my new chapter of my Cheesepie today. :pinkiehappy:

5549549 Cool! I'll check it out!:pinkiehappy:

5549578 I just need to finish it. I want to publish it so bad! But I have to finish my last scene. :raritydespair::rainbowkiss:

"you're on dA too?!

on FIMFiction I'm that one stupid girl who wrote 'Seeing You Again' XD"
~ Your comment on DeviantArt

Hey there, Missy. I'm Bluegrassbrooke's most avid stalker, so I kind of see all the comments on her deviations. Seeing that one urged me to look up this specific story out of curiosity. And as a pleasant surprise, I was greeted with Cheesepie. ^.^ So. . .I hope you don't mind if I give you constructive criticism. I'm in no position to completely tear this down because my own stories are exquisite crap, so don't worry. ;)

Cheese Sandwich walked back and forth, pacing. He had been doing so for a couple minutes, maybe ten, at the least, just...thinking.
Thinking about....

There are two things Senpai had to grind into my head: [A] Don't be tell-ish (bland in your descriptions of action), and (B) the opening words of your story are very significant. Cheese Sandwich's crush is adorable, but these opening sentences don't have much impact, they feel like something that should be in the middle of the story. Personally, I would open the story with Cheese's thoughts about Pinkie Pie. We don't just want to know he's thinking about Pinkie, we want to hear what he's thinking and get into his smitten little mind. [*Cheaply throws something together as a poor example*]

Pinkie Pie had the habit of sticking into a pony's mind like an upbeat earworm. There was something in each of her mannerisms, her very movement that radiated with jubilation and light, the kind of joy that was contagious. Whether the mare was physically present or not, her beaming smile could never cease to make Cheese Sandwich return the gesture. That and the thought of her magenta curls flouncing as she skipped through Ponyville was more than enough to turn his cheeks the same color as her mane.

I. . .don't know what to think about what cheese I just wrote. :rainbowlaugh: But you get the basic gist. There's more I'd like to say, but I'm a little tired right now so I'll hold back. :twilightblush: If you want me to, I can elaborate later, but that depends entirely on whether or not you're interested in being lectured or if this story is just for fun.

The part when dash said, and I quote, " my ship is sailing" ( end) I laughed my flank off!!!! Literally....

Ink Doodle( my OC): Thanks, Discord!! |[
Discord: No problem!! B-) ;-)

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