Chapter 1
Twilight Sparkle kept hearing ghosts. It terrified her, as ghosts would terrify any filly, and all she could do about it was hide under her covers and hope that the ghosts did not find her. She could hear them even now, their voices coming out of the air vent near her bed, and a frightening squealing screeching sound that she could only imagine was the ghosts trying to claw their way through the air vents. If ghosts had claws.
She didn’t hear them every night, which was puzzling. She only heard them when her parents were gone, and the ghosts knew exactly when to strike. Twilight was all alone in her room. She could of course go and find Cadance and her brother Shining Armor, but they had put her to bed with instructions that she was to be a good filly and stay in bed, and more than anything else in the whole wide world, Twilight Sparkle wanted to be a good filly.
Even now, the ghosts continued with their groaning and moaning, their horrible filly shredding talons squealing as they crawled through the air vents.
Twilight meeped with fear and pulled the blankets up over her head, hoping that by hiding under the blankets, the ghosts wouldn’t find her. It just might work.
“Twilight honey, you look awful,” Twilight Velvet said to her foal. Twilight Sparkle really did look awful. Her eyes were red and bloodshot and she looked as though she had not slept.
“I heard the ghosts again mama,” Twilight said, cringing as she said it.
“Twilight Sparkle, how many times have your father and I told you, there are no such things as ghosts! It is your overactive imagination! You need to stop reading so much and go outside and play more!” Twilight Velvet scolded.
Twilight shrank down in her chair and hid behind her cereal bowl. She could see just enough of her father over the edge of the newspaper to see that one of his eyebrows was raised. A raised eyebrow was pretty much the worst punishment Twilight Sparkle could think of, and now her day was ruined. Her father’s raised eyebrow was the ultimate message of disapproval, and Twilight Sparkle wanted to cry for letting her father down. More than anything else in the whole wide world, Twilight Sparkle wanted to be a good filly.
Twilight Sparkle felt her tummy gurgle. She hated tummy gurgles. Especially tummy gurgles brought on by fear. Her parents were leaving tonight, going off to see a play. Cadance was here, and there would be boardgames, ice cream, and maybe even a record on the hi-fi if she was well behaved.
And then, she would be sent to bed.
After that, the ghosts would begin their haunting.
And filly Twilight Sparkle was very very afraid.
Twilight Sparkle said nothing to her parents. She knew better. Her mother might raise her voice, or worse, her father’s eyebrow might elevate. Twilight Sparkle sucked in a panicked gulp of air just thinking about it, grabbed a pillow off of the sofa, and hugged it to her chest. Smarty Pants was upstairs in her room, and the ghosts were no doubt up there already, waiting for her parents to leave. She needed Smarty Pants, but she didn’t dare go upstairs. The ghosts might get bold. Alas, poor Smarty Pants was going to have to fend for herself.
“OoooooOOOOoooooOOOOh!”
“Squeak. Squeak. Screech.”
“AAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAaaah!”
“Squeak. Screech. Squeak.”
“UNGH UNGH UNGH!”
“Screech. Squeak. Screech.”
“SQUISH! SQUELCH! SQUISH! HUUUUNF!”
Twilight could only assume that the ghosts had crawled out of muddy graves. She could hear wet squelching sounds tonight, and filly Twilight Sparkle shivered. She hated mud. Mud came from outside and there was nothing worse than outside. She just knew that the ghosts knew exactly what it took to scare her. Muddy ghosts had to be the very worst sort of ghost there was.
“AAH AAH AAH HOOOWAAAAAH!”
Filly Twilight Sparkle nearly peed the bed and let out a shrill squeal. The ghosts sounded close in the air vents tonight. Twilight Sparkle briefly pondered being a bad filly and running to her brother’s room, but she did not. Because more than anything else in the whole wide world, Twilight Sparkle wanted to be a good filly.
She pulled the blankets up over her head and assumed the position.
“Twilight Sparkle, were you up all night reading books under your covers again?” Twilight Velvet demanded.
Twilight Sparkle considered her options. Lying was bad. But so was telling the truth. She felt conflicted.
“You listen to me Twilight, you tell me the truth,” Twilight Velvet commanded.
“I heard the ghosts again last night!”
Twilight Sparkle cringed seconds after the words left her mouth. More than anything, she wanted to melt into a little purple puddle of pony upon the tile floor.
“Twilight Sparkle! There are no such things as ghosts! I am taking away your library card!” Twilight Velvet snapped.
“NO!” Twilight Sparkle begged.
“Don’t argue with your mother,” Night Light said to his daughter. He lowered his paper.
Filly Twilight Sparkle’s squeal filled the kitchen when she saw the slow methodical raising of her father’s wicked eyebrow of filly shaming raise up almost to his hairline. She had never been so soundly thrashed by her father over anything she had ever done previous. And she had told the truth.
Twilight Sparkle thought about protesting her punishment, but she said nothing. More than anything else in the whole wide world, Twilight Sparkle wanted to be a good filly. And sassing her father was not something a good filly did.
Twilight Sparkle could feel her neurosis creeping closer. She knew what neurosis was, yes indeedy. Neurosis is what made you a unicorn, and being a unicorn is what caused neurosis. So did a father’s unwarranted eyebrow assault. Foal abuse… Her parents were just now stepping out the door, off to watch an astronomy presentation at the observatory.
Twilight Sparkle had a plan. “I’m going to bed early, goodnight,” Twilight Sparkle said in a squeaky strained voice. She blinked one eye, and then the other blinked several seconds later. One ear flickered alarmingly. She stared at her foalsitter Cadance and her big brother best friend forever Shining Armor.
Both of them shrugged and looked rather happy, which completely escaped Twilight’s notice. She took off at a slow trot for the stairs, the corner of her mouth convulsing wildly.
“G’night Twily!” Shining Armor shouted.
“Such a good filly! I am going to tell your mother and your father that you were the best filly in the whole wide word tonight!” Cadance praised.
Twilight did not hear her foalsitter’s praise.
Twilight Sparkle clutched Smarty Pants close to her as she hid under her brother’s bed. It was dirty under here, it smelled funny, and there were some pretty strange magazines that had hardly any words in them but a lot of weird pictures of mares doing funny things with vegetables. The mares were stupid. That wasn’t how you ate cucumbers or carrots. You peed out of that end. As for the mare pooping out a whole carrot, she needed to spend more time chewing her food Twilight assumed.
Twilight froze when she heard the squeak of the door hinges. In a moment, she heard the bed squeak and the sounds of Cadance’s shrill giggles. She could hear her brother’s heavy breathing, and then breathing turned to grunting.
The whole bed was shaking.
“AaaaaAAAAAoooooooh!”
The ghosts? Twilight Sparkle asked of herself.
“Huuuunf! Shiny!”
“Squish splat squish...”
Muddy ghosts.
“Squeak!”
Crawling through the air vents.
Twilight Sparkle slapped herself. She felt so stupid. Cadance was clearly helping her brother with his wrestling practice for school. The bed above her squeaked and began to bounce up and down faster and faster. Twilight Sparkle smiled in relief. No wonder her brother made it into varsity wrestling. He had a powerful alicorn helping him train. In that moment, she loved Cadance just a little bit more for being so giving and helping her brother be all that he could be for the secondary school wrestling team.
“Mother, father, I wanted to apologise,” Twilight Sparkle announced at breakfast.
“You do?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“Well then, do go on,” Night Light encouraged.
“About the ghosts. It was my overactive imagination. What I was actually hearing was my foalsitter Cadance helping my brother Shining Armor with his wrestling moves. I hid under his bed last night because I was so scared.”
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...I'm sorry I ever doubted you
I burst out laughing several times and at the end i laughed so hard i cried... I love it...
Also;
Typo? 'She knew was neurosis was'
I had a feeling this was what you were talking about.
Ah well, it's definitely better than *Shudder* Cheesy.
Poor Twilie
Omg....
Oh the mental trama. Lol
Such abuse. Twilight's parents should be ashamed.
forgot a word
Edit: Hahahahaha, the story had one thumb up when I opened it and 17 after I gave it one.
I almost pissed myself laughing when twily found shining's pony porn.
totally though twi was gonna walk in and the ghosts were gonna be real and attack her, like the noises where gonna be the ghost eating cadences and shinings soles ur something.
I had the same problem too when I was just a little boy. I even saw the ghosts up close, but they didn't look like the ghosts on Scooby Doo. They wear tall and they looked like they had skin, but it was all white. My mommy told me they were Albino, but I knew the truth. They were ghosts.
*eye twitching*
...but...
*mouth twitching*
....what...
*body trembling*
...pills, need pills...
4916692
UNICORN DOWN!
4916703
4916692
WE NEED AN EARTH PONY MEDIC, NOW!
love it!!
4916720
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**airlifts in Aloe and Lotus via a pegasus airdrop**
That should do it.
4916729
I was thinking Bon-Bon and Berry, but hey, you da author.
~TOOWC
4916729 Ooooohhh, that´s good....yeah, right there...a little more to the right....
Ok fanartists, I wanna see if your interpretation of the looks Twilight's Mom and Dad and/or Shining had on their faces at Twilight's last line are as funny as I imagine them!
4916913
Night Light never fully recovered from the sprained eyebrow.
I did not laugh a little bit. I laughed a lot! Thank you, I too have been feeling down.
This was quite silly , muddy ghosts got a genuine laugh out of me
Ha!
So, this is canon in the Chase-verse, is it? I'll have to remember that during the next question time!
I'm also imagining a filly Twilight Sparkle writing letters to the editors of those magazines, letting them know that they seem to be using vegetables in incorrect ways.
YOU MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD
Twilight's character is perfect. Adorable, innocent, hilarious, and basically spot-on. Loved the bits about the muddy ghosts, the neurosis, and the raised eyebrows and everything. (how raised eyebrows are like the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!
) And the repetition about Twilight wanting to be a good filly. It's all perfect.
You've really done an excellent job with this. You made my day so much better. This story is just so funny, so adorable, and so well-executed. The bit where Twilight found Shining's magazines also made me choke on my drink. I spent a considerable amount of time spluttering and laughing after. (only to look back up at the screen, and start the whole thing over again) That means you did a great job. Thanks for the laughs!
(Basically this is really well-written, congrats on a job well done! Hope you're feeling better, take care! I'm here if you ever happen to need someone.
)
Fun little story. You got a laugh from me.
Oh nooooooo, not the eyebrow
would have loved to see there reactions, but hey, it did the job.
I did enjoy the story but honestly both Night Light and Velvet are useless in this fic. Most good parents will at least investigate. If something is scaring your child into being awake all night then you should at least look into it. I would have been suspicious as to the fact that the whole "Ghost" incidents only happened when I was gone and my son and baby sitter were left home.
4917597
But Twilight has been telling them about ghosts, monsters in her closet, the thing under her bed, the ancient evil that lurks in the fountain in the back garden, the monster that has lived in Shining's room for as long as she can remember, and she can occasionally hear it groaning when she walks by, and the terrible horrible no good monster that occasionally showers in the upstairs bathroom, grunting and groaning and taking up all the hot water.
By now, ghosts are on the selective edit list.
4917597
Also, this is the filly that grows up and begins spouting nonsense about the mare in the moon returning. Pfffth!
Twilight Sparkle = Chicken Little.
Moral of the story: Even in the best cases, Canterlot unicorns are horrible parents. Or they were, before a certain scion of Sombra.
But yeah, this one definitely made me laugh. Well done, kudzu.
You know, this episode alongside with Canterlot Marriage, where trust issues are presented against Twilight, tag along very well ! Again, in her life, those that she loves most does not believe in what she says.
kudzu, you could explore that in the future arc...Twilight trying to figure out her DEEP trust issues...sorry, Twilight fans, i love her too, but broken Twilight stories are the best !
Oh man, this was the best, I can't stop laughing
This was not funny. This was showing Twilight's parents as horrible horrible ponies. If your daughter comes to you with a story of being scared of ghosts and is clearly terrified so badly enough as to be unable to sleep, you do something about it! Maybe you ask Shining Armour to go and check on her during the night while you're away, or even invest in anti-spirit wards.
They would not just ignore her. These are the same parents in the Chase-verse who upon finding out what portion of their income came from House Avarice strip-mining the Shetlands dissolved House Evening Star rather than continue.
This doesn't make me want to laugh, it makes me want to hurt somebody for child abuse.
4917877
Read through the comments.
Twilight has a history of exclamations and hey, look what happened during Canterlot Wedding. Nobody believed her then either.
4917877
Also, human standards vs unicorn standards.
Unicorn neurosis and the manifestation of a mischievous streak common in unicorn foals. The need to create trouble.
Doesn't excuse them for not taking her seriously, but it does explain how they might overlook such exclamations such as "Ghosts!"
4917877
These are parents whose both children ran to boarding schools (the guard academy and the school for gifted unicorns) before reaching their teens.
They are the parents whose one daughter grew up to be such a socially-awkward recluse (psychotically terrified of failing/disappointing her superiors too) she needed a princess missive to find some friends.
They are the parents who got background role positions in Twilight's childhood memories. She loves her foalsitter and her big brother, but the parents get only cold, neutral factual mentions.
These are the parents who weren't there when Twilight got decorated in a ceremony for defeating Discord. Nor ever visited her in Ponyville. They did show up to Twilight's coronation, but she didn't even spare them a glance.
So, yeah, I'd say all signs in canon point to them being quite terrible parents.
4917877 Most parents would say there is no such thing as ghosts and think the kid was watching/reading too many scary stuff. So, they would take these sources away. And they did, actually. They took away her library card... so they actually did do something about it.
OH MY GOD. i was panicking when i read the blog and now im in stitches, that was hilarious.
i wanna see what happens to candance and shining
4917943 Except in magical pony land, ghosts can exist. We have Windigos, evil non-corporeal spirits of evil, not to mention the Nightmare that posessed Luna and Rarity.
Also, what really burns my biscuits is that this is treated as funny rather than tragic if true. Shadenfraude is one type of humour that disgusts me.
4918070
Unicorn parents carefully ward their homes against pests. Rats, mice, earth ponies, the poor, lice, fleas, weevils, earth ponies, centipedes, and evil spirits just incase their neighbors and rivals try anything funny.
These houses are old and they are well defended.
Stepping outside of your house though, look out, an earth pony might punt you in the groin.
Even though I knew what was going on as soon as I read the synopsis, I couldn't leave this one alone alone.
This is hilarious.
4918083
You mentioned earth ponies twice but the poor only once, and isn't that redundant anyway?
4918276
Well, there are those vile wretches that are type ones and type twos.
You know, the unicorns that were born to be servants.
4918070 Yes, what you say is true. I actually didn't think of that. However, keep in mind this is a fanfic and maybe ghosts actually don't exist.
And why would this be treated as a tragedy? I understand it's not to be taken as funny (from your POV) but why a tragedy?
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Well, somebody got the reference.
That was no wrestling match, Twilight.
4918276 Repetition of a term to draw attention to the subject's intense ire/dislike of a particular something is a standard literary comedic device.
It's also used in standup, television, and movie comedies frequently.
4918070 But are those examples truly ghosts? A ghost is the spirit of a deceased formerly-living live person who is now dead and moribund and soforth.
The windigoes and other such things are more akin to demons or sprites, in that their current form is the only one they've ever possessed.
Or perhaps they arose from non-living sources imbued with a spiritual essence, similar to the Japanese tsukumogami, whice are abandoned/ignored man-made objects that obtain a spirit after 100 years.