Los Relinchos is the entertainment capitol of Equestria: gambling, dancing, music, and general hedonism are the order of the day in this desert paradise. But beneath the glow of the neon lies the heart of a city corrupted by organized crime. From casinos to car dealers, record labels to restaurants; the black hoof is into everything in the city. Two rival families have remained in an uneasy truce for the past thirty years, as Los Relinchos grew from a small gem-mining backwater into a monument to vice. But this truce is about to be broken - and Spike has the misfortune of landing in the middle of it. Two mobsters bring him in on the side of Don Celestia, and he follows the ups - money, cars, mares - and the downs - senseless violence, betrayal, mistrust - of "the life" over the years in this alternate universe fic inspired by the likes of Mafia and Goodfellas.
Intersting this a pretty good story only consern/Question is what *** dose that mean other than that its a good story
A definite considerable quality of writing. Quite the rare thing in new or up-coming writers. Most normally, you'd find sloppily written HiE fics or maybe a crossover made by new authors. I predict good things in your writing future, Patridam. However, I would recommend you recruit some advisers and perhaps a proof-reader.
5157957 I've removed the annotations because they seemed to cause more confusion than they assuage.
5386526 Thank you. I try to review each chapter for grammatical errors myself, but there's only so much you can do. If you know how one goes about finding advisers or proof-readers, I would appreciate it. I'd recruit from the commenters/readers, but they... aren't exactly numerous.
So I take it that Rainbow Dash will be beating people up in this story? Will she be reaching Unstoppable Rage levels of anger? Will she be giving any No Holds Barred Beatdowns?
5406372 Well Dash is partly based off of Joe Pesci's character in Goodfellas, though with a somewhat less hair-trigger temper. Still, she does favor simple / violent solutions and may possibly have moments where her anger makes her go off the deep end & compromise the family.
let me tell you, this is good shit, its gritty, you're doing a great job setting up characters, pacing of the story is great. I felt chills when you killed of Cheese Sandwich, Lyra, and BonBon. You must understand, the internet sees them as main characters in their own rights, and you off'd em like it wasn't even shit. You stay true to the source material that labels them as background characters, and thats commendable in that you don't add bias to anyone, the writing is sound, its beautiful. Keep going bruh, i want to know what happens next.
This story deserves so damn much more praise than it gets. Its near perfectly written with a fantastic, original idea and some how it only has 13 likes. This needs to get more attention somehow. Keep writing man!
I love this story so much. I just wish the chapters were longer.
5525184 Well, this one's about as long as I think I can justify with this format.
5554458 And I loved almost every second of it but I think applebloom was a little whiny during the break in.
Edit: I'm saying this because she's related to people who work for the BH I would think she would be used to it. You know what I mean?
5555474 Yeah, I see your point; however I was trying to imply that she worked fairly hard to stay out of the 'family business', and thus was less than enthused about being so directly involved with the nitty-gritty. It's one thing to hear about a murder, secondhand (heh, secondhoof) but quite another to see one happen in front of you.
I love it. It just needs to be revised for grammatical and spelling errors.
Ready for the next chapter. Putting slight typos aside, this was a great read.
This story is all kinds of awesome. Why doesn't it have more views?!
I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna add it to more groups. Seriously, people need to know about it!
5595512 Please, do anything you can to increase awareness. I have submitted it to a few groups and to Equestria Daily, but its still relatively unknown.
Spike let out a defeated sigh as the white whale pulled into the cracked and weedy parking lot of Del Huerto Relinchos. The White Whale would be capitalized.
"... with ninety-nine-point-nine percent reporting from yesterday's election, it's official: Senator Fancy...".You forgot quotation marks at the beginning of the sentence.
"No matter the pain from my unfortunate loss, I take solace in the great taste of Canterlot Chew." When some is quoting someone in dialogue use ' instead of ".
It was a pretty great chapter even through it was short but spike felt a little out of character maybe it's just me or it could've been I haven't read this in a while. Anyway great story and good to see you back.
5841229 You're definitely right with the capitalization there, my fault. It's tough to review ones own writing. As for the quotes, I haven't really been treating the radio messages at the end as dialogue.
As for the difference of character, it is perhaps an unfortunate side effect of long gaps between writing chapters. Anyway thanks for the comment and support.
This is wonderful story.
It needs more recognition.
You submitted your story to A For Effort. I'm here to inform you that the group has been unfortunately abandoned and I'm one of the scarce few people willing to continue reviewing added stories. I read the first few bits of your story and can safely inform you that your story is actually quite good and shows a level of quality. I was here awhile ago, if you can recall. You asked where to find editors. I personally think it's best to anoint one of the readers as one.
I've reviewed the first few chapters of this for the Goodfic Bin. Unfortunately, there are several gripes that lead me to reject this story from submissions.
Details are here.
Thanks for submitting your story to Story Standards. Unfortunately, it has been rejected for inclusion in the group.
You can find the entire review here: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/204912/story-standards/thread/321449/rejected-the-black-hoof-a-mafia-story-by-patridam
Hey man, i know you probably wont see this but i just wanted to say this is my favourite story on this site. Hope you carry on with it at some point.