The 5 Minute Battle
The 5 Minute Battle
A UN meeting was underway when there was a bright flash and a white winged unicorn appeared in front of everyone. "Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum. You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world. I have come to put an end to it. I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade." Then there was another flash and 'Princess Celestia' was gone.
The Security Council President, Eugene-Richard Gasana, stood up and said "All in favor of putting all wars on hold to defend ourselves."
There was a resounding "Aye."
"All opposed," he continued. No one said 'Nay' and he added "Leaders of the world, prepare your armies. We have no idea where the ponies will come through."
A Week Later
NORAD Control
"Sir, we're picking up something in the Great Plains. Strange flashes and an unexpected storm."
"Get the President on the phone, code red people, code red!"
The Great Plains
Celestia walked triumphantly out of the portal, her army of Royal Guards behind her. Shining Armor was next to her, all with battle armor and weapons made of solid gold. After all of her 40 thousand soldiers were out of the portal, she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to give a speech. "SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA! TODAY WE HAVE COME TO THIS DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO WIPE THE MULTIVERSE OF THEIR SCUM! I AM TALKING ABOUT HUMANS; THEY CONSTANTLY SLAUGHTER AND LIE TO EACH OTHER AND DESTROY THEIR OWN WORLD! WE WILL BE THE HEROES OF THIS WORLD AND THE MULTIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL BE HONORED IN THE WALLS OF HONOR!" Suddenly a small helicopter loaded with soldiers flew overhead and a general with a megaphone spoke to her.
"Hello, Princess Celestia. This is your first, and final, warning. Surrender and go back to your world, we will not follow. Attack and we will open fire. There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch. Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"
"PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!"
The pilot could be heard saying "Is she serious?!" in the helicopter.
The general again spoke into the megaphone "Are you serious? Solid gold armor and weapons."
"OF COURSE. NOW, IF YOU SURRENDER YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK!"
"It's your funeral." was the last thing the general said before reaching for his radio and saying "We are a go." The helicopter flew away and Celestia thought that they were retreating.
"SEE, MY SOLDIERS! WE HAVE ALREADY SCARED THEM OFF! COME, WE MARCH!"
The USS Missouri, the USS Iowa and the USS New Jersey
"Launching Tomahawks."
Great Plains
"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died. "WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT!" shouted Shining.
"Simply human magic, my general. Nothing to fear." replied shortly before a 6 large, flying objects were seen in the distance. 5 smaller objects dropped out of the back of each. Shortly after the large objects flew overhead. "Pegasi, destroy them."
"Yes, ma'am." The pegasi in the army took off and approached the large objects. Suddenly, many of the pegasi were shred to pieces and a smaller flying objects shot by.
"Ma'am, I believe that we should retreat." suggested Shining.
"No, my general, they are just getting lucky." replied Celestia.
After a few seconds, Shining replied "Ma'am, all the pegasi are dead. We are taking massive casualties and it has only been 3 minut- wait, what's that rumbling?" Then a row of 6 columns of Abrahams came into view over the horizon, about a mile away.
In the Distance
"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.
"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.
"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.
Back to Ponies
"Ma'am, the metal carriages are advancing. Orders?" said Shining Armor, visibly looking for a place to run.
"This is where we turn the tide; FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE! WE WILL STOP THOSE MONSTROSITIES HERE!" said Celestia in her Royal Canterlot Voice. The 3,000 ponies remaining formed the line when a large amount of smoke was ejected from the barrel of one of the tanks. Shortly afterward, there was a massive explosion and many more of the ponies died.
More tanks fired and more ponies were blown to hell. "Teleport to Canterlot?" asked Shining.
"Teleport to Canterlot." agreed Celestia. "WE WILL BE BACK HUMANS, AND THEN WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" There was a flash and Celestia and Shining were gone.
One of the ponies noticed this and said "THOSE MOTHERBUCKERS!". He was then teleported to the moon, however, a SABOT round that was about to ruin his day came with him.
"RETREAT TO THE PORTAL!" shouted a lieutenant unicorn, the only remaining officer in the once 40,000 strong army that was now only 376 ponies. There were only earth ponies and unicorns left, as all the pegasi had been killed trying to stop the A-10s that were continuously strafing them.
They barely made it a sixteenth of the way before all of them were killed. Celestia, sitting safe and sound in her throne room, sensed this and entered the mindscape to see the possibilities of her victory in the Multiverse. After an hour of searching, she discovered for every 1 where she got to the outskirts of a city, there were another million where her forces were slaughtered and even that was generous, as all the universes where she got to a city she didn't visit the UN meeting and announce her plan. It appeared that she would never wipe the multiverse clean of humanity.
However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil. They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them. 'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies. I must try again.'
Then she realized that something had crossed into her universe. She knew it couldn't be any survivors, so she looked out the large window and saw a large tube flying towards the castle. 'Great,' she thought to herself, 'I decided to change my ways and they decided to nuke me. Sometimes the Multiverse isn't fair.' She, as well as Canterlot, was vaporized by a nuclear explosion.
THE END
Or is it? Probably is but it's the multiverse.
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Bad part? Gold salvage destroys the economy and all those dead ponys begin to stink after a while.
Eeyup.
This is the best killing off asshole ponies ever!!!
inb4 lordofmyth or alondro, because this is their Satan. Hail Satan!
I can see Discord taking his ball and going home.
lel
This made me chuckle, and it really put in perspective what would probably happen we're this situation ever to occur. CB stories ain't got shit on this. I'm favoriting!
XD probably greatest fic ever
Seems legit!
T'was funny...have a like
4985448
Seem legit?
*RCV Activated*
THIS IS THE MOST LEGITEST STORY THAT COULD HAVE BEEN EXIST UNDER ARTICLE VERY LEGIT STORY IN THE DIMENSION OF LEGITNESS BY THE DECREE OF LORD 'THIS IS LEGIT'!!!!!
*RCV Deactivated*
4985241
Which do you think we'll get first, the barely coherent rambling about magic from lordofmyth or the vaguely misanthropic "look how cool I am" mad scientist routine from Alondro?
4985559
lordofmyth, Alondro tends to be pretty tardy to the party on most stories. Plus, he does have the common sense to avoid the stories that he doesn't like.
This is so bad and so ridiculous that I can't help but upvote it. Curse you.
4985562
True. I mean, they might both end up reading this one just out of curiosity but I do have to marvel at lordofmyth's habit of showing up and bitching about stories that are clearly about humans shitstomping evil versions of Equestria.
And then he complains about people showing up on his userpage to argue about it. If he hadn't blocked me I'd tell him I was just following his example.
As fucked up as this is... I agree.
A good thing the real Princess Celestia isn't this stupid.
Not very well written, but amusing for what it is. And inherently true, as well; humans didn't have no fancy magic crutch to give us an easy head-start, we had to claw our way to the top of the food chain, annihilating various competitors as we went, including supspecies of our own line, bending the will of lesser species to our own designs, and ferreting out even the secrets of the physical world. Magic is nice, great stuff, but dammit if we don't have a magic all our own: ruthless determination.
oh yeah, human firepower and nukes ruin every beeings day that wants to kill us, great Story but a bit very short
10/10 would nuke again
4985621
And thus why it's called the "5 minute war"
BLITZKRIEG!
5 minutes? Isn't that abit of an overestimation. If every soldier had been there from the start, I'd say 3
But to be honest, the equestrians haven't yet discovered gunpowder so... they screwed. Also, with a group of jeeps mounted with Gatling guns it would be over spectacularly fast.
The idea makes a decent funny fic, but kinda relies on the rule of 'ponies being too stupid to breath correctly' to work.
Get someone with a bit of ingenuity for the Equestrians, and you could cripple the world's military and leadership before ever declaring war, just from stuff we've seen from the show.
If you yourself cannot work out how to cause this with -
1) Mind Reading
2) Mind Control
3) Memory manipulation
4) Teleportation
5) The ability to cause an object to send anyone viewing it insane.
6) The element of surprise.
- then you're really not trying hard enough.
4985845 Haven't discovered gunpowder? What do you think fireworks are?
4985142 no, the bad part is rick and morty had nothing to do with this
4985952 Magic missile, you know, the one from Terraria
4985957 lol ok
Ok just read this and if it wasn't a comedy I'd have a lot to say about this.
For starters, trying to nuke something that can control the Sun isn't going to be super effective.
Anyway this was hilarious if only for how silly the ponies were being, especially Celestia. Sorry but in an actual war ponies would probably win pretty easily.
Anyone notice that this site has gone from high levels of 'humans are evil' to high levels of 'humans are the most awesome thing in the universe'?
From one extreme to the other, I suppose.
Meh. Missed chances for jokes and kinda bland overall.
Defeating Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek, defying the laws of physics to move the sun and moon around. Capable of teleporting to world leaders directly, knowing full well they were in charge.
Beaten by explosive shells from less than four hundred mortals.
Yeah, good thing you remarked this wasn't serious
4985994 I don't see how ponies could possibly win. This story was obviously a comedy, and most of the actions performed by both sides were completely ridiculous. Not to mention their motivations were pretty much nothing, but that doesn't change the fact that they would get destroyed THIS easily.
If we go off the canon of the show, magic could at most, be used to make a shield from bullets, shoot slow moving lasers that probably would only knock you over, and a bunch of other stupid shit that wouldn't be practical in a war. Hell, their shields probably wouldn't even hold up to explosions and it would take a very strong unicorn just to block bullets I would imagine.
So how in the hell could you possibly be so misguided that you would think horses, with barely the capability to wield their spears and whatnot, could possibly win against the combined force of humanity with its gratuitous amounts of ranged weapons built specifically to destroy everything it touches?
I've been waiting for something like this.
Stories in which ponies somehow get humans over a barrel when it comes to combat have always bugged me.
LMAO yes, this made my day so much better xD
4985994
fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/q71/s720x720/1653332_438422352953395_828583885_n.jpg
u srs?
4985591 God dammit people!
His post was a joke and your fucking down voting him cause you cant comprehend sarcasm...
Shame on you!
Well, good ol' USA is at it again. Except this time I actually rooted for them.
4985591 uhh....Well while magic is helpful and all they do only have medieval weapons and their population is restricted to one country.
4986053
thats easy, some people never took p-chem or physics and learned that there is an energy exchange between two objects in motion. we know that magic from a unicorn can tire them so it makes sense that their energy shields and lasers are primarily based on how much energy they have, if you want to stop a bullet you need a shield that can absorb/reflect that same energy. unfortunately for things like explosions that would be far more difficult as its usually the shockwave that kills you. anyway this story made me giggle, completely ridiculous no matter how you look at it.
4986053 OK, if we're going to take this seriously enough to perform a real analysis, let's look at this more objectively. You're going off the canon of the show, in which a war never happens, and using that to determine how the ponies would fight a war. So right off the bat, you've used a huge fallacy. And how do you know that magic wouldn't be strong enough to shield against bullets, or even worse? You don't know, you're just speculating, and you're treating your speculation as if it were fact.
There is absolutely nothing to suggest that our real-world technology would be more powerful than pony magic, or vice versa. We simply can't say one way or the other. So we can't reasonably say which side would win on this basis.
4986041
4985788
You bellowed, sirs?
This was a fun story, though I highly recommend that you find yourself a proofreader. There's a fair amount of grammatical errors during the battle scene. Also, the tanks are Abrams, not Abrahams.
4986053 Short version; ponies can control the weather.
There isn't an army on earth that doesn't have to take weather into consideration when planning any kind of military action. And that isn't even getting into the creation of tornadoes which pretty much makes every air based piece of hardware useless. And they can direct lightning.
Of course that's all just direct action. Real wars are fought based on many more factors, logistics being the most important. As Alexander the Great said "an army marches on its stomach". So ponies have a massive advantage with teleportation of supplies allow. Then there is the superior mobility of Pegasi for deployment and the fact that they can take up positions on clouds miles up in the air.
Then there is communication. The ability to send physical notes to one another makes data interception virtually impossible.
If you want to talk tech, well we've seen that ponies can build mechanical devices that, though crud be comparison to human tech, has the major advantage of not requiring fuel other than unicorn magic. There is also the prospect of reverse engineering of our tech, a thing that is often used at the cause of human victory over alien invasion and the like in other fiction. It's been shown that ponies have comparable intellectual capacity to humans even if it isn't reflected in their application of mundane utilities. So something as simple as a machine gun could easily be studied and adapted for ponies.
This also raises the fact that ponies have different physical capacities to humans. A plain Earth Pony could likely comfortably carry two heavy machine guns on its back and with an application of Unicorn magic operate them telepathically. I'm thinking of Tank's rotary blade harness though I suppose its debatable if that is controlled directly or with shifting of weight.
Then you've got Unicorns that have theoretically an infinite number of manipulators.
I'd say it's also worth considering that those spears aren't as useless as one might think if we consider that the Guard are likely well trained with them and in close quarters Ponies have the obvious advantage to begin with. And I'd also like to point out that Equestria is a fantasy land so gold could be the best metal in the world for armour.
Though we have seen what appears to be iron armour in the Castle of the Two Sisters so the stuff the Guards wear might just be ceremonial rather than proper war gear. Also if they had iron armour a thousand years ago then it's safe to say they've started making better armour by the present of the show.
So yeah, ponies are pretty capable. I mean a bunch of civilians helped repel an invasion of shadow creatures once with no notice so yeah. Also they have trebuchets. To quote the 40K rule book "even the best gun in the universe is useless when your enemy is bashing your head in with a rock"
Also RD named her tortoise Tank so ponies have tanks.
4986061 Not usually but right now...yes.
4986245 spears thrown as fast a bullets... WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW KEVLAR?
4986170
Alright, well let's look at this then. Shining, who if I recall has the strongest shield among unicorns, could probably hold off a few missiles with his shield, especially if it was more compact. So I suppose he and the other unicorns could make an impenetrable shield for a short time to protect their army from Human weaponry. But do you think that would last forever? I refuse to believe they would have the magic reserves necessary to hold off a nonstop onslaught of missiles, heavy machine gun fire, and artillery from every angle for more than a minute. And then they are all drained and get mowed down or torn to shreds from the air support.
Obviously they would never get within range to actually make use of any of their physical weaponry. Which basically leaves you with the pegasi, who would get shot down in droves by automatic gun fire. Assuming we would even need foot soldiers on the site.
The princesses would be the only real danger, and even they can't defend themselves at all times and make use of their magic offensively. Have a sniper sit somewhere a few miles away and snipe them all dead the second they drop their guard.
And if you really want to call me out for making an assumption about how they fight wars, let me break it down for you. During the fight between Luna and Celestia in the flashback, Luna was obviously trying to kill Celestia. And what did she do to accomplish this goal? Shoot slow lasers at each other while flying around. One well placed bullet and that threat is gone.
Also, you can see very few guards in the castle, and you never see any military in the show either. So it is a pretty safe assumption that their guards are just about the only military they have, and also function as a police force. They are always inept in the show, poorly trained, incapable of stopping any form of problem, and are basically glorified rookie cops. The fact that they need some teenage girls to solve every problem that shows up in their world, and how their society acts, leads me to believe that they are spoiled by peace and incapable of defending themselves without asspull element of harmony magic. Which probably wouldn't work if the ponies were invading our world.
So I'll ask again. How the hell do you honestly have so little faith in our species ability to kill that you think that pathetic race could withstand the combined force of Humanities technological warfare for more than 5 minutes?
Honestly, I always thought that a Pony-Human war would amount to whether Discord decides to step in or not.
If he doesn't, well, the Ponies are in trouble; if he does, Humanity is screwed so hard it gets porn music in the background.
4985994 I declare you delusional. We could unleash on them the stuff we were holding back in order to not destroy our planet.
4986245 You talk about a battle of endurance, and that they have an advantage by being able to teleport in supplies, change weather etc. But you do realize the scenario we are talking about is set in OUR world right? I think the last thing we need to worry about in a war in our own turf is the ability to support our troops. And any weather they could create, would also hurt them in most cases. They could make it incredibly cold, but we DO have winter clothing for a reason. They could create tornados I suppose, but in all likelyhood a war between ponies and Humans wouldn't require a standing army on our side.
And like I said, melee weapons wouldn't do anything, they would be mowed down before they got anywhere close enough to use them. If we even need foot troops at all in this "war".
It would basically just be us launching missiles at them until they are all dead, and having helicopters run around and mop up the pegasi. So really, nothing you said makes any difference. Maybe if we were in mediaeval times, and had to fight them up close and personal with the same equipment. But obviously that isn't the case.
Admittedly one-sided but a fair summation of what to expect.
On the one hand it's important to keep in mind that we have no idea the kinds of threats/wars Equestria has fought, so it's entirely possible that they have never used Pegasi Weather Control Abilities offensively or developed anything other than Roman/Greek Fighting formations. Lord knows the Wonderbolts never used these abilities the few times they could have (Adult Spike/Tirek).
Secondly, while Celestia & Luna can control the sun & moon, that's not too impressive given recent revelations that state that Unicorns were once responsible for this. Admittedly, it probably took several Unicorns to do what the Princesses can do on their own, but the very fact that mortal ponies can do it too doesn't paint their overall power in an impressive light. (And this is coming from someone who saw Twilight's Kingdom-Ball Z).
The only way I could see the Ponies coming out of this was if they had some means of interfering with modern technology & weapons, (Such as Radar or anything with a computer) forcing the humans to rely on older tech, but even then they'd have to contend with manual-weapons, like anti-aircraft guns & firearms, not to mention non-computer controlled projectiles.
So yeah, while I agree that the battle would last a bit longer than 5 mins, especially if the Pegasi & unicorns come into play sooner, there's no realistic way the ponies could win in a straight up fight. Probably the reason behind so many of the 'Evil Conversion Bureau' fics.