I'm a guy sitting at a computer writing stories about technicolor ponies and listening to heavy metal.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy first meet in Junior Speedster Flight Camp, and their relationship as friends only escalates once Dash accidentally humiliates Fluttershy in front of everypony. After meeting in Ponyville and becoming friends, only a tragedy of the highest magnitude can separate the two Pegasi.
And that tragedy is coming.
(Two chapters re-written! And a new one added on Jan. 15! Hooray!)
(Cover art wanted! I HAD one, and then found out I couldn't use it. Oh well.)
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This could probably use a tragedy tag.
Though I guess I kind of appriciate getting hit out of left field on occasion.
Nice to see the role reversal.
I'm a bit surprised by the way Dash overreacted. I don't think the situation warrented it, or at least not in the way it was presented to the reader, there may have been more going on behind the scenes. Dash made a brief comment on not being able to fly right, did something happen that we are not being shown?
Rainbow Dash being slow, while she's depicted through out the show as probably the fastest pegasus alive is an interesting change. I get that it's meant to be the reason she fails, but I think it might have been better to pick on some of Dash's existing flaws, like her crashing tendancy, innaccuracy, that kind of thing.
The writing was lovely, and no errors that jumped out at me.
Keep up the good work. ^^
4917717 One of my favourite comments :3
The point I was trying to imply was that Rainbow Dash had struggled and worked her entire life for a chance to join the Wonderbolts, and she completely blew it. After all, she had acted very depressed when she was sure she was going to fail the Wonderbolts History test.
But yeah, I think that there was a bit of a problem with her flying, which I also implied somewhere.
I must say, great job. It was a very wise decision to combine these two stories into one super strong one. I thoroughly enjoyed the story from beginning to end. A actually like the canon change, where Rainbow Dash is portrayed as being a slower pony. I agree with you in that it exemplifies how hard she had to work to become the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria. Although, how she goes from being slow to performing the Sonic Rainboom and accurately maneuvering through the course WHILE going faster than the speed of sound is a little bit of a stretch, I love it anyway
Just one quick correction that I caught.
If you don't live in North America, this is fine. But modern English has replaced dived with dove. I don't know where you live, so it could either be right or wrong.
Keep up the great work!
If anyone were to take advice from me, this is what I would wish it to be.
That it matters not what others may say. What matters most is your passion, day by day.
-Scuba12
5509771 Oh, crud I missed that one. Thanks for catching it!
I really liked this chapter. It's a treat to see Dash and Fluttershy's experiences with flightcamp. I could see Dash losing sight of Fluttershy once she became popular. They weren't close in the first place, and Dash is nothing if not easily distracted by her ego.
At first I thought it was really weird that they held a funeral. Fluttershy runs away to go live on the ground, and they just assume a bear ate her or something? But the more I thought about it... Fluttershy does not appear to have spoken to anypony about her problems, or her desires at all. So all the information they had to go on that Fluttershy was ruthlessly bullied, bad at everything, and emotionally weak. It would not be that much of a stretch to assume she left with the intention of killing herself somewhere and wasn't found.
I can hardly believe how selfish and stupid young Fluttershy was. She didn't even leave a note. From the looks of things, her mother is quite understanding, yet Fluttershy did not even bother to talk to her about her desire to live on the ground. A lot of grief might have been avoided. But to be fair, Fluttershy was probably not in her best state of mind, she was only a filly after all. A filly that felt like the adults in her life were determined to keep her from being happy by forcing her to attend that school. It wasn't great reasoning, but understandable for her situation. Which is what makes it so much fun.
(Btw, props to Fluttershy for actually making it work.)
Good thing Rainbow Dash convinced Fluttershy to visit. I suppose that Fluttershy never really reexamined her own judgment until Rainbow Dash came along to challenge her on it, and relay what kind of effects it had to everyone else.
I like how this implies Fluttershy was perfectly aware of who Rainbow Dash was, long before they've ever spoken a word to eachother.
When Fluttershy was making so many great points for Rainbow Dash's awesomeness, I held out some kind of quiet hope that you'd changed the ending to happy one during the rewrite. I should have come prepared for the worst instead.
The funeral was an interesting scene. I could definitely see her friends saying those things about her at a time like that. It would have been easy to have Applejack say Rainbow Dash actually won those races, but I really like the effect of AJ saying she won had, as though she was ribbing RD in spirit, like they always did.
I'd say you definitely succeeded in improving the story during the rewrite. Awesome job.