• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Crysis Commander


You do you the best you can do.

T

Equestria is no longer a country. The nation, decimated after a twenty-five year civil war, swings between complete anarchy and totalitarian military reign. The only reminder of the cataclysm that destroyed the land – the charred remains of Mount Canterlot – looms over whatever is left.

Now, despite the end of all they once knew, two brothers must pursue all that is left for them in the remnants of Equestria: their mother and hope.


Big thanks to flyingfox for editing Chapter 1!

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 15 )

Amazing! Can't wait to read what happens next!

A muscular earth pony repeatedly slammed himself into the field, his eyes wide ion a fiery rage. 

Spot the typo.

Sunny stepped forward, his horn sparking. “Don’t worry Maverick, I’ll take take of this.”

Spot the typo.

Also, very confused at the point where Sunny Beat the mare to death. Was she attacking him? Did he wonder into her residence? That is extremely unclear. I don't know if it was intentional or not. Anyway, intense first chapter. Gritty world, to be sure. The writing is above par as well. Overall, not bad. The factions are not clear on what they stand for and the murderous attitudes of the Ponies are garish. That one Guard who tried to murder two children really bugged me. Is that normal for that faction? Many questions and no answers yet. Continuing on.

One last thing: the Guard named Felix... that name confuses me. All the other characters have Pony names except him. It seems jarringly out of place.

Either their wasn’t anything left for them to eat, or they had died, themselves; most likely the latter.

Spot the typo.

The allignment of the last few paragraphs is centered instead of being left alligned.

And JESUS! The Rebels dismembered Flurry Heart just to make a point? What the fuck!? What the hell happened to start all this shit in the first place?

7742294
Yeah, the whole thing with the mare was intentional. Not sure if it adds or detracts from the feels. The intentions of the factions are more deeply explained in chapter 2. As far as the guard assaulting them, I'll admit I'm not 100% certain about keeping it how it is, because as you said, it does seem confusing even in context, but I'm not entirely sure how to alter it in such a way that the bit with the mare could be kept.

7742345 The thing with the mare has the feel of a Post Traumatic Stress flashback, yes. It is beyond heart-wrenching too. The Guard assaulting them seems to just be happy to be killing children. His motivations feel off. He was going to kill them so the Rebels never had the chance to indoctrinate them? Seems to me that a Guard would want to shelter them so he could persuade them to join his own side. A viable reason might be that they two were wearing Rebel colors? Or perhaps the Guard was drunk... extremely drunk Guard would work well with the current motivation. Impared judgement could be a factor easily.

The part with the mare needs to be in there I think. Sad as it is. Maybe have her thinking that Sunny is trying to do something and she lashed out at him, or have her be a Rebel or something. The effect would still be the same and her colt would still not understand what was going on. Only that his mother was dead.

“But will there be candy, Sunny]?

Spot the typo.

The weasels had managed to break the skin in several places, painting his fur read in uneven patches all over. 

Spot the typo.

7742377
I'll re-work the part so the guard is drunk, since the guard is from the actual city, not one from the invading force. The part with the mare is definitely staying in, as it pertains to a few major plot points later on. Personally, I feel that it's current state is fine (except for the motivations of the guard in the flashback, but that was already mentioned), but if you think it would be better in some other way, I'm more than willing to listen.

Hey there! Just saying hi and letting you know that your friend contacted me about reading this and trying to give you pointers on how to improve your story. If it's good enough I'll even point some people this way!:twilightsmile:

.... Not tonight, though. And possibly not tomorrow either since I'll be gone all day. Literally. Still, I'll get to it this week for sure.

"Here you go, ma'am," he said with mascaraed of a smile, handing the mare in the front the sack.

mascaraed?

---
From the line, a stallion jumped onto the guard, ripping off his helmet and slamming it over his head.

would this sound better?

From the line, a stallion jumped onto the guard, ripping off his helmet and slamming it on his head.

---
The sudden pangs of exhaustion cut his inner celebration short.

Exhaustion doesn't feel sharp its like a wearing down or a loss of energy.
It feels like more of a draining.

---
“Okay, so if I go down there, through the next one, and in that direction,” he said to himself between pants, “that should take me to-”

Do you need the himself?
We know he's alone.

---
Kudos.

I'll read more when you start reading my story. Hopefully my comments have helped a little. :rainbowdetermined2:

7743073
Issues were fixed! Thank you for pointing them out. :twilightsmile:

7743139
They most certainly did! Never noticed those typos or issue with motives until you pointed them out.

7743883 I finished the third chapter and only found those two typos. Other than that, I see nothing wrong. Enjoy The Unity Pact.

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