• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
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Matthais Unidostres


I am Matthais Unidostres, I'm a Christian and I love FanFiction!

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Running parallel to this world of magic and wonder, there is a Seventh Dimension. A Dimension known only as "The Twilight Sparkle Zone." And within this place, ponies good and evil, young and old, strong and weak will face situations that twist not only sight and sound, but the mind as well. Follow Princess Twilight Sparkle, listen and observe as she shares these strange tales with you.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 50 )

Interesting. A few spelling errors here and there, but that's to be expected. I find the cursing to be highly out of character, but then again, I suppose in THE TWILIGHT SPARKLE ZONE anything is possible.
:derpytongue2:

Okay. That was something. I did not see that twist in the end, but I think the last third of the story, especially with Princess Luna was rushed. The pacing on the beginning was okay, but not great. It could use some polish.

It doesn't have the Twilight Zone atmosphere yet, it needs more time in the beginning to set up the scenario, or some kind of buildup.

Overall, it was okay. Good story and idea, just needs a bit better pacing, fix some of the grammar issues, and then this could be a great story.

Lastly, this story might need the crossover tag. I dunno, it seems to be directly following the show's style, so it seems to be a fusion fic. I don't no, it might not need it.

Twilight Zone automatically implies Alternate Reality, so aside from a missing AU tag, I'll go by that.

This chapter was way too trite and heavy-handed. Luna put her to a test? A test that puts her very life in danger, a test that would traumatize or cause normal ponies to show some form of emotional distress or anger or just feel SOMETHING, lead to such a "I don't have feelings, I don't care about right and wrong because I'm rich and blank flanks are subpony. Thus I'm going to kill you, Sweetie Belle, and laugh 'normally' and 'gleeful'." is all but unrelatable and just weak.

And comparing herself as a soldier, justifying her actions of shooting all those with near perfect marksmareship to avoid vital places in those who tried to get between her and Diamond's demise, and go through all those would be harrowing events and Babs potentially having had (and honestly would of worked better if it had) her head shot.

Even if Diamond did all that, even if she was in control, she would be in the right to take Sweetie's life. After all, those type of sociopaths would likely try again and most likely more discreetly if she has the chance. But, being a dream, a dream set up by LUNA of all ponies, on one of her young ponies no less, I can't help but feel disgusted despite such an AU Luna. Not to say anything of Cheerilee and others laughing and joining in chorus about Diamond having pulled the trigger taking joy that one of her students were going to receive some, what is heavily stated in the author's note that Diamond is dead, I have to say this is the type of writing I just face palm at.

There are many great ways to take the "You have a second chance to change your fate" style stories out there, especially in Twilight Zone, and Tales from the Hood's final story with the gang member who had a chance to change his fate.


Look, read this story. Read it like you would a reader. Is this the type of story that SOUNDS like a well told and Twilight Zone worthy story? Do you even CARE if it's well written? Grammar alone doesn't make for good story telling. This has many points that are not only jarring, but horribly one-sided with the guise of being objective. Readers aren't stupid. If you want to make Diamond feel hated, this is a poor way to do it. Diamond was cheated here. Luna and Cheerilee's characters are disgraced here. And the only real victim in this story is Diamond's character having no character.

You could of gotten your end result without inserting Author Bias into this. All I see is a Lunar Princess who should be banished to the moon, and a teacher who should have her cutie mark removed.

And even Silver Spoon laughed at the end? The typical speech from a CMC telling Silver how much better she is and should blah blah blah leave Diamond is fine, but showing Silver was essentially just acting the whole time and laughed at what she seemingly knows whats going to happen to Diamond being judged disharmonious? Talk about the trashiest type of pony throughout the ponyverses. Just gross. Yeah, not sure who may have pointed out letting her chant would make Silver look bad, but seems everyone missed that laughter scene would show.

I won't bring up the whole concept of judging someone for what they do in their dream and taking their life for whatever happens in them, cause that sort of stuff happens in The Twilight Zone and other works too. No, just the execution was pretty poor.

I don't normally comment on your stuff, but this is just getting all too repetitive. Go through the story, try to make it less one-dimensional, and maybe it'll get better reviews.

4908708 The closing narration said Sweetie Belle and them were wrong too. But you're right about the AU tag. I forgot to put it on this story.
Also, I think I know what my mistake really was. The point of the twist was that "Twilight Sparkle Zone Equestria" is a totalitarian-like state, like in "The Obsolete Man," and that nearly everypony has been brainwashed to obey "Harmony" blindly. I gave it the "Obsolete Man" ending in order to subtly get that point across. I suppose maybe it was too subtle and you missed it. Sorry.
But for the record, I was trying to say that everyone in this story was wrong, and the reason Sweetie Belle, Silver, Cheerilee, and Luna were acting out of character was because they were the "Twilight Sparkle Zone" versions. Of course they'd be a little warped, mostly due to the totalitarian state this story takes place in.

4908628 It'd probably only need a crossover tag if, let's say, Talking Tina showed up in one chapter.

4909317 This story, up until the end, reminds me of an old comic called Jack. In one of the many stories in the Jack universe there is an Elevator scene. In there was some 4-5'ish people, the problem with their death is that there is a killer among them and Death himself has to get them to come to terms with their sins.

Think of the elevator as temporary Limbo. In there he explains that they are all dead. That one of them had killed with malice. Someone who did so with the desire and WANT to kill. Many flashbacks through the pieces told by each one piecing together their memory of the events, to see their own deaths, we eventually uncover the person who killed with desire. The one who killed because it made them feel good?

Long story short, the others were cleared of uncertainty and were able to come to terms with their death. The real murderer was found and judged by Jack. But, despite that, the one they least expected of sin, that one who killed for the sake of wanting to kill, was on much like I'm sure none would suspect of Sweetie Belle, which in this case is going to be Diamond Tiara. They wanted the excuse, got it, and despite having the choice not to, pulled the trigger with the wanting to take Sweetie's life.

Because of this the others, the ones without sin, moved on to heaven for proper judgement.


Your story plays out more like Jack than The Obselete Man. Dumping the Obselete Man's moral totalitarian theme in at the end clashes with a lot of what was being setup prior to the "It was just a dream" ending that suddenly we're all supposed to grasp that everything Sweetie said and rambled on about shooting her class up as being suitable to being compared with the episode whose ending was stripped and placed in a place it didn't belong.

It just doesn't add up. Which, this being more an adaptation of The Twilight Zone, it's good that there's no crossover tag. But the adaptation fails to capture the overall theme, an ending is not a theme, and this first chapter doesn't fit the theme of The Obsolete Man.

So, basically, it has nothing to do with 'missing it' because your story didn't have what the Obsolete Man theme had, and Sweetie going off with the soldier comparision was awkward enough but even that doesn't fit to show us or paint us a Totalitarian anything.

I don't think we've watched the same Twilight Zone series, because I don't see how you could justify that ending as us just 'not getting it' when it doesn't fit the overall theme.

There is no hint or clue that this is a test. No hint or clue of anyone being oppressed. This story could stand to do better as a standalone because it does not, as far as the eye can see, have any relatable theme to warrant what we've seen here to being some sort of lesson. And Twilight Zone, as weird and out there as it may be, teaches us lessons or makes us THINK about the consequences of certain actions.

This didn't really teach a lesson. It was deceit from start to finish. And Diamond's surpise at the end that "You mean, Sweetie Belle wasn't trying to kill me?" just makes it more awkward when everything that's come to pass is just ignored and we're to believe that DT is guilty in what she did.

That was not a fair or remotely proper way to go about this. There was no debate. DT says nothing for most of the fic, and she did what many would do if they had the chance. SB is a present danger who even shot her her teacher and was clear in wanting to kill DT. In Obsolete Man you have the trial. You have the chance to convince others of your usefulness. You have the one act that makes you weak in the eyes of those you serve and become the new obsolete target.

This has been a pretty long way of saying that ending just doesn't work with the theme you had going. It's a trap. Nothing more. A setting that is essentially real until the final shot is fired. And then what? If SB had pulled the trigger on DT. It could of ended there. DT has no way of knowing, and we're never shown anything till the very end and supposed to just accept it.

It did not fit the existing theme well. Flesh it out more. Reword a few scenes. Give it a more Twilight Zone ending. The story did not make me feel like I was watching an episode of The Twilight Zone, at all. :applejackunsure:

4909541 Okay.

How about you give me one more chance?

I'm writing the second episode now. Please give it another awesome long review when I publish it. Hopefully It'll be a vast improvement.

I'm not gonna change Episode One though. I'll leave as I sign that I had a rocky start.

4909607 I quite liked episode 1. I don't get the hate. :applejackunsure: Anyways, can you do more than just 2?

4909607 Well, not saying you have to change it. The whole Five Characters in Search of an Exit with Obsolete's ending with heaven knows what else just felt like too much in too little a space.

Ep. 2's one I'm looking forward to actually. He's Alive is one of the nicer episodes in Twilight Zone. Bit same old same old, but it deals with hate and bigotry and all that racism stuff. Pegasi are pretty proud ponies and LD and RD feel like a perfect fit for that episode. So hope that one goes better. Pretty big theme you'll be tackling there. Best of luck.

4910128 I just happen to be a bit pickier with stories and my Twilight Zone. Reason this has no crossover tag despite being a Twilight Zone crossover is do to the adaptations and liberties taken with chapter 1's themes.

To each their own, but I'll continue to speak my mind on a story whether it's viewed a popular opinion or not.

What exactly happened to Diamond Tiara? Was there anything more than damaging her reputation?

It doesn't seem like there'd be much they'd do legally, since that would be entrapment. Diamond wouldn't have done that had they not set up the whole thing to provoke her.

This was great! :raritystarry: Dust's death was unexpected, but very good!

If the ponies in the hot air balloon that got caught in your

AU is AU. Still pretty silly to try and cover for RD's willingness to help make the hurricane LD couldn't have done alone.

Anyhow, I thought you did well in ponifying this episode. All but the fact your tendencies still seem to hold you back from writing a true epic crossover, or even adaptation that I could honestly fav.

Your main issue? You have trouble letting bad things happen to ponies that you like, but have no issues harming and portraying antagonists in a more negative light.

What purpose was there to reviving Spitfire? Would LD really be so dense as to not tell the pony beneath them are breathing just fine? Rasping for air at the very least? Spitfire must be well trained in playing dead, but to get up and speak so fluently and seemingly unharmed aside from a single broken rib?

I guess it doesn't hurt the story, but then it just makes the police feel excessive in using such force if we're to believe this takes place in an era of peace and harmony that pegasi can't come up with less lethal ways to take down a rogue pegasus?

Considering how close you stuck this time to the source material, and how well you were doing ponifying it, feels rather disappointing to see elements that could build emotions in readers be so downplayed.

"It's cool guys. Just a broken rib."

It just felt pretty unrealistic. Maybe if she struggled more to get out some words or coughed up some blood before throwing some wise-flank remark about "ATTEMPTED murder!" correction to the officers, it could of at least incited a bit of a chuckle maybe.

The only sad part about this story, was being able to predict no fan-favorite ponies would die in this. In good stories, and you have the capacity to write good stories, is that bad things happen to good people. Putting someone like Shinning Armor, Scootaloo the ballerina, that old pony with no cutie mark from S1 the Gala and Putting Your Hoof Down, with Pinkie Pie or that Clown from the Pinkie Pie Micro#6 Comic in some crazy room together and putting them through emotional heck would illicit more emotional responses from people. If you showed them real emotions than just something that translates into an opinion on a character, it could go much further.

Hell, you could make Silver Spoon or Sweetie Belle the star of that one ep where the girl escapes from the fire, or whatever you end up rolling with that leads to you know what.

Anyhow, this chapter is basically 88% crossover. Better than the last which felt more standalone than anything. This one almost went scene for scene word for word. Almost. And left out a couple bits but it was a nicer crossover of the episode and not so much an adaptation this time around aside from that REVIVAL scene.

Why do Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum seem to be on good terms with each other?

Can you ponify the episode where the boy turns his father into a Jack-In-The-Box?

4914478 Not exactly good terms. It's like three rivals playing a kind of three way Chess against each other, with the ponies of Equestria as their pawns.

4914350 Alright then. I have two strikes. One more and I'm out. The next one will focus on APPLEJACK, my FAVORITE character. And I won't pull any punches this time.
For the record, you are at least kinda enjoying this, right?

4915760 Second chapter was pretty much a nice crossover and ponified rather well all things given, not as divergent as chapter 1 and aside from a few points pretty much a direct crossover.

First chapter, though weird as hay with the gun so specifically from the Griffon Kingdom that somehow got in the magical grasp of Sweetie Belle and the impeccable aim she had, etc, etc, but was rather nice until the flat awkwardness before suddenly being given emotions and a shocked reaction to SB's "I'm an actress not a killer!" bit, and before the awkward ending and that mentioned scene it was still a decent chapter.

All in all, you can make adaptations of each episode and make them your own, but it's good to really understand what makes The Twilight Zone what it is. It's supposed to be a universe where anything and everything can happen. A place of nightmares, not of silly monsters but those born of pony mind and emotions; beliefs, taboos, sense of good vs evils. A universe that plays with your mind as well as your heart.

It's more than possible to make a full on adaptation of the basic principles and narration of what makes Twilight Zone. But you gotta really dig deep and feel it. Feel for the characters. What could make them do things they might not normally do. Why they would believe in what they believe in and how they'd react when introduced to something that all but warps and questions that belief.

Short answer, yes, you have good points but you fall short on key moments and alter events that add nothing to events or explains little to no reasoning behind them. It's still ponies, yes, but at times it just doesn't feel very pony outside of words mentioning pony and pony things and pony places.

Take liberties. Do your own thing. Just don't fall short on the parts that matter most. We only see what's in text, not what's in your head.

Do go on though, there are people who actually do seem to enjoy it so I'd be remiss in ruining their fun. Plus, I'm more of an Outer Limits fan myself.

Yeah, this story is now a crossover. Before, it was on the fence, but now it's a direct fusion fic: TV tropes definition.

So yeah, I guess it does need a crossover. Now onto this chapter...

You made Commander Hurricane Ghost Hitler! That just seems so weird, I mean, I thought she was sort of a good person, but I guess in this story, the Hearthwarming Eve's thing is just a kids story that was sugar coated. The use of pictures seemed odd to me, but it wasn'tthat bad.

This chapter has some spelling and grammar issues, a bit more than the last one, but were minor and mostly in the beginning. The pace was better this time, although I'm surprised Rainbow Dash didn't show up.

Wait a minute, if Twilight almost died in Lightning Dust's backstory, then does that mean she exists in this universe? Rod Serling exists in the Twilight Zone? Weird.

Oh I get it now, each chapter has its own gimmick: first was a pilot, second had images, and this one has links.

However, this chapter was really short, and I think it should have been expanded on: you know, have some changelings do some odd things that seem suspicious but are really well meaning, ramping up Applejack's paranoia? Maybe you could have started it like that, then build it up to misplaced anger over Apple Bloom's illness.

This ending came directly from another Twilight Zone episode, further increasing the crossover-ness of it.

And some spelling issues, but more spread out across the chapter, nothing too bad, but sort of noticeable.

Still, this is getting interesting, can't wait for the aliens, time travel, and all the manner of weird going-ons.

Well you just fucked Equestria over and worst of all your sister is going to die Applejack. I think should do the right thing and end it all now.

4916798
What about the gremlin on the airplane and the kid you don't want to ever piss off?

4916798
You're right, but I couldn't figure out how to get any other Changelings in the story. The borders weren't opened as of yet.
Also, good job finding the gimmick. The next gimmick will be a little less subtle. Hopefully I can think of more.

4917579 Another reason why Applejack is worst pony. All her friends are going to die, her county is going to burn, and all because she was too prideful.

4917583
Forgot about those, but it would probably be best to wait a few chapters before revisiting the school.

Who would the psychic kid be? Sweetie Belle? Scootaloo? Diamond Tiara? Pipsqueak? (Actually sounds interesting.) Any other assorted background characters?

Princess Erroria. It makes perfect sense.


4917782
Gimmick time! Also, maybe some changeling inventions or goods that are incredibly useful, so that it could be shown that changelings are smart enough to cure a disease? And maybe ramp up AJ's paranoia?


4918007
Wasn't pride this time, it was hate for a species based on one example, which sadly is racism. Pride would be like: "Oh yeah ya filthy changelings? There is no way you can farm better'n me!" Whack!

4918473 What I meant was that she's to prideful of her own race and to bitter to others races.

4918567
Actually, after rereading, there is this one part:

Let me tell you something, bug. When your filthy Queen was pretending to be Cadence, and Twilight was trying to warn us and we didn't listen, do you know what that did to me? We'll Ah'll tell ya. It took away all the confidence Ah had in myself that Ah was a good friend. You Changelings made me look like a sucker and fool. Ah lost my title as the most dependable of ponies that day, and Ah lost it because of you!"

So I guess you were right about the prideful part (although to herself, not the equine race).

Sorry, trying to be clever, but it falls flat. One of my favorite T.Z. episodes, along with 'OBSOLETE'.

Wow, the gimmick this time was so subtle I missed it the first time reading it. (Sarcasm) :fluttershbad:

Wow, Scoots lost the lottery this time, huh? I mean, it could have been eyesight, her hair, or something that wouldn't have resulted in such... something. I mean, she was just really unlucky this time.

Wait, what would have happened if the guy before Scootaloo was unicorn? Or an earth pony?

Overall, this felt like a crazy alternate universe version of Flight to the Finish, like a quick one shot version. You could totally remove Twilight narrating, publish this chapter as its own story, and boom! Instant Flight to the Finish alt. ending! :scootangel:

This chapter (and the last) felt short. Maybe you could make this a Flight to the Finish alternate ending? That way, you'd only have to rewrite part of it, but still get all the buildup needed made on TV already! Or not, it might count as cheating to some people. :unsuresweetie:

4920641 The device randomly chooses something that the pony has. Wings wouldn't have been a possible result if the previous pony wasn't a pegasus.

"You can give me better wings?" Scootaloo asked, sounding interested but not fully convinced.
"Guaranteed," the stallion said. He then produced a brown colt wearing a propeller cap and playing a JoyBoy. "Just push this Button."


A while ago I made a parody of the original where he's only offering $2,000. It turns out that the button is a fancy letter-opener, and it just opens an envelope addressed to the Against Malaria Foundation.

It seems kind of odd that, in a choice between a million dollars and someone dying, it's supposed to be some difficult choice, but in a choice between a couple thousand dollars and someone dying, almost everyone seems to choose someone dying.

So she died? Holy crap I did not see that one coming.

This was good, but a question lingers in my mind: How are we sure that guy was telling the truth of where the wings came from? What if he took them from Fluttershy, or the more depressing and more likely victim: Rainbow Dash? He's clearly evil and willing to kill Scootaloo, so I can believe he would lie to her about the origins of the wings.

4934265 Yeah, I knew someone would point that out. All I can say is "Suspension of Disbelief". After all, in "Button, Button", we had to just accept that the guy was being truthful when he said that pushing the button would cause someone the lady didn't know to die.

"To Serve Mare"
"The Last Rights of Filthy Rich" (Jeff Murtlebank)
"Where is Everypony!?"
These are some ideas I came up with.

Perhaps an alternate version of "magic duel" where Trixie finds Twilights doll Smarty Pants and keeps it as a trophy, but that's when the doll starts talking to her. And at the end, when Trixie switches her amulet, she trips over Smarty Pants, and hits her head on a rock, killing her. The story ends with twilight saying "This wasn't supposed to happen!"
and the doll says "My name is Smarty Pants, and she won't hurt you anymore Twilight..."

JESUS! Was that really necessary?! Holly Hell, that was brutal. But rushed. I think this could have spent more time being developed, a deeper look into Spike loosing his mind. But hey, new chapter!

Have to admit you got the tone of the series down flat - the dark tone, the impossible twists, and of course the subtle uncomfortableness abd just plain wrongness of it which makes it so awesome.

Tenochlitan

It's spelled Tenochtitlan.

Spike suddenly tucked and rolled in the middle of his charge, becoming a living dragon ball.

Oh! HA! HA! HA! Very funny!

WELL THAT HAPPENED.

Um, yeah. Kind of expected that ending, actually. Still, Spike's dead. Seriously. If Twilight at any time told Spike while he was reading the series (or maybe even after Twi and friends actually met Daring Do) this whole thing could have been averted.

Oh well, Twilight Zone is one insane accident/paranormal event/weird thing after another.

This is why you make an intricate and scarily thorough plan in case you think you're going mad.
That's not just me, right?
RIGHT?

...so what would have happened if she shot into the open air? Or at her own head?

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