Drunken Idiots
Happy Hour
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The moon painted the Happy Hour bar in its everlasting lunar glow, patrons filled the bar and the loud sound of music playing could be heard for miles on end. Ponies crowded the stage with their hooves raised in the air and dancing to the rhythm flowing through them. Proprietor and bartender, Lemon Martini slid another round of apple ciders down the bar counter as a stallion grabbed the mug of apple ciders and slammed them down on his table.
“Soarin, I hope that you have the bits to pay for all of these ciders.” Lemon shook his head, turning his attention back to the other patrons slamming their empty mugs of cider down on the counter. “Alright! I’ll refill your mugs!”
Soarin nodded his head in response. “Of course, Lemon. When have I ever skipped out on paying a tab or bill for cider?”
Lemon rolled his eyes and pointed to the sheet of paper on the wall, a list of the bills Soarin did not pay ranged from five to twenty bits each. “Need I say more?” He poured another round of cider with his hose into the empty cider mugs.
Soarin giggled, bubbles emerged from his mouth. “P-Point taken.”
The Wonderbolt passed each cider mug to the friends that were joining him tonight: Big Macintosh, Thunderlane, Braeburn, and Caramel. Soarin took a quick swig of his cider, the foamy bubbles of the cider popped along his face. “Glad that you guys came here tonight.”
“We would never miss out on a night of fun,” Thunderlane tipped the mug to his lips with his head tilted back, chugging the cider down.
“Ya got that right partner!” Braeburn kicked his hooves up on the table, smiled gleefully at the two drunk stallions.
“Just not feeling it today,” Caramel said, his head slumped against the table.
“C’mon, Caramel. Lighten up, we can head to the poker table after.” Big Mac took a big gulp of the cider, he felt the rich taste tickle his nostrils. “Hehe, the bubbles tickle.”
“We don’t even need the poker table!” Soarin placed a stack of poker cards in the center of the table, he shuffled the poker cards in a random order to prevent cheating. “Whoever loses the first two rounds of poker must pay for all of our drinks, also collateral damage.”
“What collateral damage?” Thunderlane raised an eyebrow.
Soarin hurled a glass wine bottle through the window, the glass shattered on the table and outside of the window. “That collateral damage,” The four stallions shifted their eyes at Soarin, they frowned as he hid his head under the table in shame.
“I don’t buy it,” Caramel shook his head.
“Eenope,” Big Mac swallowed another mug of cider before he slammed it down on the table.
“Hmm, I don’t know. Sounds a bit farfetched, if ya ask me.” Braeburn drank the last of his hard cider.
“You’re going to have to persuade us better than that, Soarin.” Thunderlane fidgeted around in the booth near their table.
“I was hoping you guys would disagree,” Soarin tossed a sack of bits down on the table, a pile of golden coins spilled in the center of the table.
They averted their eyes from the bits for a moment before something clicked in their heads and stared at the glowing bits. The thought of winning all of these bits without having to pay for the damage to the window or buying all of the drinks was a dream come true.
“We’re in!” They chanted altogether as Soarin passed out a set of poker cards to each of of them, organizing the deck of cards in the middle.
“And here we go, ready fellas?” Soarin looked at his set of poker cards, keeping his eyes on his cards.
“Eeyup!” Big Mac gave a hearty response.
“You know it!” Thunderlane shouted confidently, his eyes were glued to his cards.
“I’m totally going to win this!” Caramel’s head rose up from the table as he looked at his arsenal of cards, his eyes widened at the kings and queens in his deck.
“Trust me, ya’ll will not win. I’ll be walkin’ out with the prize,” Braeburn crossed his hind legs under the table, shuffling his hooves.
Beads of sweat dropped from their faces and cascaded across the table, Soarin slammed four cards down on the table. “I’m going to flip the cards once you guys place your cards down too.”
Caramel slipped his four cards across the table and into the center, as Big Mac, Thunderlane, and Braeburn added their cards to the mix.
Caramel flipped his cards over. Four kings were revealed in the center, much to the disappointment of his fellow friends. “Beat that suckers.”
Big Mac chuckled at Caramel’s insult as he turned his four cards over, four queens caused Caramel to frown and sob into the table. “These cards are the one to beat.”
“Oh psh, this is a cake walk.” Thunderlane said arrogantly, flipped his four cards one by one. His four cards were the significant of the bunch, two kings and two queens.
“Looks like it’s all you, Soarin.” Soarin’s friends flashed goofy grins at him.
Soarin searched through his deck for the right four cards to flip, he laughed maniacally at the four cards on the table. He quickly placed four aces down on the poker table and flipped all four of the aces over on the opposite side. “Looks like I couldn’t beat you guys, Big Mac wins this round. Next round, it won’t be so easy.”
They hung their heads down in defeat, drinking the pain away and it felt so good. Big Mac climbed out of the booth and climbed the table, wobbled around as he felt his balance fade away from him.
“Big Mac, are you okay?” Soarin asked in concern.
“E-hiccup!-Eyup,” Big Mac covered his mouth as he wobbled around on the table, the group grabbed his forehooves and sat him back down in the booth.
“Time for Round 2,” Soarin snatched all of their cards and grabbed the deck in the center, shuffled the cards once again before he placed the individual deck of cards down in front of his friends. “Winner of this round gets all of the bits and doesn’t have to pay. Look on the bright side though, we can order some nachos right now. This time, we place all of our cards down.”
Thunderlane banged his hoof on the table, he called out to the waitress. “Hey beautiful, we would like some nachos with hot sauce and guacamole on the side. Maybe we could hang out after I’m done beating my friends in poker,” The waitress splashed a lemon margarita in Thunderlane’s face and placed the margarita glass on his mane.
“Coming right up,” She walked away to the kitchen, informing the chef of the nachos. He got right to work and fried nachos on the stove as he placed the nachos on a tray with hot sauce and guacamole on the side, he rang the bell before he gave the tray to the waitress. “Order up!”
She carried the tray over to the table, placed the steaming tray of nachos and condiments down on the table. “One hot tray of nachos with guacamole and hot sauce on the side.” Thunderlane winked his eye at her after she departed from the table.
“Looks like I won’t be scoring any digits tonight. Anyway, back to the game.” Thunderlane squinted his eyes as they scanned his cards, he caught Caramel’s eyes take a peak at his cards. He shoved his hoof in his face, and pushed his head back to his own cards.
“Quit yur cheatin’, Caramel. That’s no way to win,” Braeburn flipped through his cards, placed all of his cards face down on the table. He sneered and crossed his withers, watching as his opponents placed their cards face down as well.
Soarin dunked a few nachos into the hot sauce while Big Macintosh dunked his bundle of nachos into the guacamole, they crunched the nachos under their teeth. “How does it taste, Soarin?”
Soarin fanned his mouth, flailed his arms around and downed the entire mug of cider. His tongue flapped out of his mouth as he coughed out some smoke from his throat, “Hot and spicy, my mouth is no longer on fire.”
“Okay now that all of your cards are placed on the table, time for me to flip them and reveal them to all.” Soarin turned each of the cards, including his own cards, face up to see who won this round.
“Big Mac has three aces, three kings, and two jokers. Braeburn strikes back with four queens, two kings, and one ace. As for Thunderlane and Caramel: two aces, three kings, and one joker were the set of cards that sealed their fate. Caramel, looks like you’re-” Soarin was cut off as Caramel rushed into the bathroom with his tail between his legs. “We’ll wait until he comes back then,” Thunderlane shrugged his withers as he slurped the rest of Caramel’s cider. Soarin could smell the warmth of his breath in his face, he popped a peppermint into Thunderlane’s mouth.
The peppermint bounced around in his mouth, Thunderlane licked his lips passionately. “Thanks, I needed that. What’s taking Caramel so long?”
Caramel opened the bathroom stall and closed the door behind him, the stall door locked automatically upon his entry.
A stallion in a trench coat with a black fedora barged through the doors of the bar, holding a pistol in his hoof. “Everypony get down, give me all your bits!” He beamed at the bits laid out on the table and ran over to the table. “Time to claim my prize!”
“Eenope!” Big Mac stormed off to the stallion and rammed his body into his chest, sending the unnamed stallion crashing through a table. Wood flying around as the splinters were embedded into his back as he wailed in pain with his back upward, and his eyes glaring at the large stallion. He shook the joints in his shoulder, stretched his shoulder out to ease the pain.
“This won’t be the last, you see of me!” A crowd of angry ponies launched margarita glasses at his head, the glass smashed against his head as he dropped to the floor.
Caramel flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom stall to the bar, he took a glimpse at the chaos around him. “What’d I miss?”
The entire bar erupted into a bar brawl, ponies jumping on tables, throwing punches at each other, smashing chairs over an unsuspecting patron’s head. Caramel walked back over to the table and slid down on the leather booth. “I missed a lot judging from all of this, so who won?”
Soarin cleared his throat and pointed over to Braeburn, he jumped around on the table with his hind legs kicked up in the air. “Braeburn wins this round and the bits.”
As the energetic stallion poured all of the bits into his saddlebag, Thunderlane and Caramel finished the last of the nachos. The heat ignited in their bellies forming a warm sensation to build and shoot up their throats as they belched out flames that emerged from their mouths, the flames engulfed Braeburn’s mane in a chain reaction which caused smoke to fill the open space of the bar. “Anypony smell something burning?”
Big Mac doused Braeburn’s mane with a mug of hard cider, extinguishing the flames that were licking away at his golden locks. “Eeyup, but I dealt with the flames. Anyway, congrats on winning the bits.”
“Aw, come on!” Thunderlane pounded his hooves against the table, pouting with his head down.
“Don’t be such a sore loser, you could have won if your deck wasn’t subpar,” Soarin patted his friend on the back.
“You’re the one who shuffled the cards up featherbrain. Hopefully they don’t give us the bill,” Thunderlane smacked his head down on the table as the bill was placed on the table.
Soarin gulped and read the bill aloud. “200 bits for collateral damage, the nachos, and the hard cider that we drank. Looks like we have to pay up-” They ran out of the bar, leaving a cloud of smoke behind with Soarin left alone. “Braeburn had the bits, looks like I’m out of here!”
Before Soarin could make his crafty escape, the owner and bartender of the bar yanked his foreleg over to him. “You’re not getting away that easily, I have a job for you.”
[/hr]
Soarin dipped a mop into a bucket filled with sanitized water and with a flick of his hoof, swayed the mop from side to side across the vomit-covered floors. “How much longer, Lemon?”
Lemon held the nozzle of the cider hose, pouring the cider down his gullet, “Until you are able to pay off all of your bills, plus the 200 bits to fix the window and cover all of your drinks with the food included.”
Soarin sighed and continued to mop the vomit away on the floor. “Fine. Those guys owe me big time for this, I’m going to kill them tomorrow!”
Note to self: pay your bills on time, Soarin kept the mental thought in mind, he hoped to never forget that after tonight.
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This should be
Funny story. Great job. I hope you have good luck writing future stories.
Spike rolled into the bar "You're too young to drink here!" Lemon said
Spike smiled brightly "I'm not here to drink I'm here to TAX" as he opened a scroll. " Under the authority of the Equestrian tax code Section 668.776
Parts A1 B1 (c) a .11 You are here by taxed 57% of your net yearly income per Twilight Sparkles orders."
4915200 I feel tempted to write a sequel to this, featuring Spike.
Meh, it was all right..
The plot about five stallions spending the night at a bar was executed nicely, but not great.
So, here are some problems I think you should fix.
- Characters: If a character is unimportant to the plot, don't mention his/her name unless the other characters say so. Seriously, is the bartender's name really that necessary to introduce? And why was it important to know what Caramel was doing in the bathroom?
- Logic/continuity: If a robber comes in to rob the place, how would that start a brawl? They'd probably all be shocked at his presence.
On the bright side, the pacing was done well. Nothing felt rushed, and simply went by like an actual night at a bar would feel like. Also, the ending. Ha, the bartender's saving it for the right time, wasn't he? If you know what I mean.
Some nitpicks include that waitress pouring the margarita on Thunderlane's head. I mean, a simple "No thanks" and an eye roll would do for a simple suggestion to hang out later.
So, this was actually good. Not spectacular, but decent.
4997208 The margarita thing was supposed to not be included, but I went with it. Anyway, thank you!
4997560
You're welcome, my friend.
Cute, funny little story that made me chuckle. I enjoyed a lot of the physical humor, and I'm definitely giving it a thumbs up.
On future comedy stories, I'd make two suggestions. First, make sure your characters are differentiated. Besides Caramel, the stallions all felt pretty samey. Second, try to tighten up your pacing. A few of the jokes seemed to drag on too long while others came and went too quickly, and the story overall felt like a bit of a whirlwind, especially once the guy in the trench coat showed up.
5582237 I get a lot of pacing comments in my stories, still trying to get the grasp of that. I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially from a writer like you.
This was very well written!
5665571 Thank you, glad you think so!
Fun idea, certainly. Not much on structure. I didn't have a problem with Thunderlane getting a drink thrown in his face, but we didn't need every detail of her telling the cook about a nacho order.
5937029 I honestly did have fun writing this, but I'll be sure to use detail wisely.
Silly Soar! The hangover would be enough punishment!