• Member Since 3rd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 18th, 2018


If you ever feel that your stories are silly and will never amount to anything, remember that Friendship is Magic is Lauren Fausts Fan Fiction of the original my little pony.

Comments ( 74 )

Alrighty, mind if I give some constructive criticism?

I liked the overall plot, especially the introduction. I'll have to read more chapters to see how good your storytelling and arc writing is, but so far, so good.

The big, glaring issue is your writing. It's completely filled with errors that take the reader *right* out of the story. Random commas and apostrophes are all over the place, most words aren't pluralized correctly, and there are a bunch of other issues like repeated or missing words and missing capitalization. Pay close attention to these sorts of issues, because seeing so many of them really distracts the readers from the story. Keep at it, fix those problems, and you'll have a foundation to build a really good story on. :scootangel:

4893283 Yeeeeeeah I've always had a problem with that. Next chapter will be cleaner I promise :) I have an editor to help me with those sorta problems. Thanks for the feedback.

Not a problem, hope I didn't sound too harsh. The really important thing is to practice and have fun with it.:coolphoto:

4893283 What my issue really is, is that I hate reading my own work. So I write it in a rush and end up making all those mistakes because I don't go back over it because I'm too embarrassed to read back what I've written to myself :/

Lol well that's probably a big part of the problem. You gotta go over it, again and again, and really inspect every word of every sentence. Well, you don't got to really, but that's what I would do.

Overall, not bad.
But there's loads of minor errors.

I'm going to help you out and point some of them out. (This comment will be huge if I point out every single one)

The sole purpose of Raiders, it would seem,

Unless you're talking about a specific group of people, you do not have to capitalize the word.

The viper nest, was the home of the raider gang

Viper Nest
Any named location needs to have its name capitalized. Remove that comma as well, it's not important here.

the vipers came here to drown themselves

Specific gang names need to be capitalized.

Pony bone's and skulls were used as everything from ashtray's

Bones Ashtrays.

This seems to be a very common error here. Apostrophes are not needed in words like these. Get rid of them.

Another thing you can do is split the paragraphs into at least half. They're massive.

This has potential, and could be really good if you touch it up.
Also, take that guy's advice and look over it at least a couple times. I'll help you out. (It's a good thing we know each other outside of this site)

Alright, I notice you cleaned it up a bit, and good work. But there's still lots of leftover errors, like commas in weird places and apostrophes used to pluralize. Red Angel's comment is full of examples of this. Also, read up on active vs. passive voice. For example,

"Blood was dripping from the ceiling."

Would sound a lot better as "Blood dripped from the ceiling."


"Several bodies were still smoldering"

would be better as "Bodies still smoldered."

I cant explain it very well myself, but like I said, googling that phrase will give you a good idea of how it works.

4908301 I remember passive voice from english class in high school. That was forever ago it seems. I'll try and keep my eye out for things like that. Thank you very much for your input.

First impressions:

"Weapons dealers [...] and nearly every sort of villain"

Hey, low blow there, I'm trying to get a job as an IRL weapons dealer right now!:fluttercry:

But really, let's see...

First off, I notice a lot fewer typographical errors than before. Good job, to you and your editor(s)!

She reached down, picked up her filly partner and placed her on May's desk. "With Sugar on top?"

Okay, that was pretty funny.

magnum revolver

What exactly is this? As a gun nut, 'magnum' is actually a marketing term that ammunition and firearm companies use to refer to different things, there's no actual meaning to it. A very small issue, but eh, it triggered my inner nerd.

Good work on the dialogue in the first half, both between the Sugar, Skitz and Scar, and with May. It reads very naturally. Nice job!

Still seeing a few issues with commas, mostly times where they should be there and they aren't. Also, at least one time where there is one, but shouldn't be, like here:

Sortilege, loved her job.

During the attack on the stable and Sortilege's capture, the readers don't get to see a lot of emotion. We want to know Sortilege's reaction to seeing armed men bust down her door and attack her. She seems like a very passive character at this point. We hear a lot about her personality, but we hardly see any examples of her actually thinking or feeling anything. Later, right before her rescue, we do get to hear a little about what she's feeling, but we don't see it.

Remember, show vs. tell.

Anyway, I really did enjoy this, though my criticism probably makes it sound like I didn't. Keep practicing, keep writing, and let's see chapter two soon! :twilightsmile:

4912532 I really appreciate your input and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :) I'll be sure to work on the points you gave me. I'm glad you liked the dialogue. I was worried about it. I'm currently reading a bunch of writers tips on things like when to use commas and what not. I swear I'll get the hang of it some day :P

This story is really interesting. (And I'm not saying that because I have to.)

I'm one of the editors by the way. I'm not perfect, but I do what I can.

Some of you may have read my stories here, so you can attest to that.

Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this. I enjoy editing it. :twilightsmile:
It's great working with the author by the way. He's a swell guy.

Impressive! I really liked this chapter. Loved the introduction with Gunsmoke. A few small things that stood out to me:

"It was not my decision. It was the decision of my master. His will is never to be questioned.." The mechanical voice's tone held a deadly serious tone.

His tone had a serious tone? The repetition of that word doesn't sound quite right.

Two large scars were located on either side of the mare’s face.

'were located' is sort of a boring way to describe it. Perhaps the scars 'ran down' or 'marred' either side of her face?

just maybe, there was some resemblance of good

I think that should be "semblance."

The end made me both laugh and feel sad at the same time. Nice work on that :scootangel: I really hope that the three of them start to learn some compassion, and it looks like with Sortilege there, they might see some character development in that direction.

I like how you're setting up Gunsmoke to be a potential rival/antagonist for the Three S's. (Now 4, I guess.)

However, I'm not sure if he's supposed to be a villain or just a morally neutral rival - he was stated to explicity enjoy murdering the innocents in stable 28, but he also seems to have a lot of compassion for others at different points. I'm not yet sure if this is an inconcistency in his character, but it didn't sit right with me completely. Other than that, I love how you're writing the characters so far.

The setup with this mysterious figure from Forb Mountain is really intriguing. Makes me look forward to finding out who it is and what's going on.

Only other thing is I feel like there's still a little too much telling instead of showing. It'd be nice to hear about character's backstories through dialogue or hints from their actions instead of the readers always just being directly told. This is more of a stylistic choice though, and the way you do it still works.

Hope I don't sound too negative here, because I'm certainly enjoying the story so far. :pinkiehappy:

4949149 You don't sound too negative at all! I appreciate your input and I'm trying hard to apply all the things you're pointing out in my writing. I'm glad you're enjoying the story despite the mistakes. There's always gonna be mistakes and things that could be improved but with comments like yours I can at least work to improve myself. Thanks again for your input and I think I'll go back and fix a couple of the issues you pointed out :)

Her kind demeanor and innocence was the key to saving the wasteland and these bitch's r fucking it up ain't they?

5003336 The only way to find out is to read the story ;P

The two aspects that stuck out at me were the lack of description and the voice used throughout the piece.

As someone who wasn't familiar with the world in question, I found it difficult to get drawn into it. I couldn't get a sense of how the world looks, of how it feels, sounds, smells and even tastes. A writer is the window through which the reader views what they see in their mind's eye, with the descriptions, similes and so on they use letting them see what the writer sees. If a reader comes upon am unfamiliar door, they won't know if it's big, wooden, black, Gothic or any of that until the writer reveals it to them.

Likewise, the voice you use is crucial to helping the reader experience their world and realize what kind of scale it has. If it's 3rd person, then they should be allowed to see the world as a movie camera would see it. If it's second person, then that world and the people in it are revealed as the friend of the story's focus sees, with the experience becoming that more intimate if it's in 1st person, and the eyes of the story's focus become the reader's eyes

5009505 Thank you for your input! and I'll be sure to work on those points.

Over all, I kind of like the botched bounty hunting thing. Gives the characters the look of "Yeah I'm badass" but "I don't always get it right".

I demand another chapter!

5282065 It is on it's way! I just got my job back and I've been busy and hit some writers block and ugh. Just been a nightmare. But the latest chapter of PH gave me my mojo back and I've been working on planning out certain things in the story. I am working on it, I promise, I'm gonna try my damnedest to have chapter five out by the end of this week. I'm gonna hit post on this comment then switch over and get to writing! I am so sorry it's been so long but I won't ever abandon this fic I can promise you that much,

Whoo, new chapter!

As always, I hope I don't sound too critical, and if you don't want me to write 12-page critique analyses of every chapter in the comments, feel free to let me know. :rainbowwild:

It's been a long time since a story actually kept me interested for more than 2 chapters, and when I love something, I also love to critique it, so I hope you take it as a compliment. Now, down to business!

City Hall and Courthouse

Don't need to be capitalized, as they aren't proper nouns.

Your scenery descriptions are sweet, but we need more of them!:heart:

Even with the talon mercenaries Gunsmoke had hired, they most likely wouldn't succeed in taking their prize.

Sounds just a little bit awkward, with the "even with" part that doesn't really match up with the other half of the sentence. Maybe something like "Even the mercenaries Gunsmoke had hired would likely fail to take their prize."
Nice use of expressions though.

There was no way to insure that

"Ensure" is the word. (had to look this up to confirm, lol, I forget a lot.)

That revelation about Sandy's past (Don't wanna spoil) was very nicely done! Great example using show rather than tell. I didn't see that one coming. :pinkiegasp:

For as long as he could remember, Sandy had idolized Pinkie Pie.

This sentence is another example of show vs. tell. For future reference, don't just tell the reader that Pinkie is idolized, show it. perhaps over time. Make a reference or hint at his love for Pinkie (for example, by showing him having a lucky charm involving Pinkie Pie, or gazing fondly at a poster with her on it, etc., and then later on, show his memory. If you just say "Sandy idolized Pinkie Pie, here's why" it's not as engaging to the reader.

The memory sequence was enjoyable, but it's an example of one the few recurring flaws in your writing: lots of telling the reader about things, and not as much showing through dialogue, events, etc.

She sat alone in the corner, studying something in her hoof. The grey mare...

And her name is Rock? I know where this is going!

Her mane and tail were lavender in color, and straight.

:yay::raritystarry: I knew it!

I already love "Rock" as a character.

As he approached he began to sweat. The nerves in his stomach really did begin to feel like butterflies were flapping around in there! He couldn't think of anything to say. Anything resembling intelligence escaped his mind.

Nice use of descriptions to show us how "Sandy" is feeling :twistnerd:

Upon seeing the two of them, Pinkie Pie's expression lit up. The smile she already wore stretched to impossible lengths.

More great descriptors. Love it!

Sandy changed his expression from excited, to deadly serious.
"Oh I don't think so..."
The others regarded him for a moment, with skeptical looks.
Then as quickly as his expression changed, it whipped right back into the biggest, most excited, smile he could muster.
"I know so!"

Great callback to the episode. And once more, great use of descriptors to set the scene!

I'm really starting to love our main trio. They're feeling more and more relateable. Their humor is a great counterpoint to the darkness of the setting.


Doesn't need to be capitalized

"Ugh." Sugar moaned. "I'm not sticking around for this. You guys are idiots. Grass, you got any good books lying around?"

Smart girl, Sugar. Winners don't do drugs.:derpytongue2:

That's what this spell can do - bring some hope back to the citizens of Equestria.”

That's a really unique idea. But I'm sure SOMETHING will go horribly wrong... this is FoE after all.

The scene where they all get high could have been really cheesy and dumb, but it was really genuine. Getting high with someone is a great way to start a friendship... hopefully Sortilege and the main trio start to bond a little more like that.

One last nitpick: there's an overabundance of instances where there's a short paragraph, following a train of though that ends half finished, and then it's completed with a sentence fragment on a new line. That's not bad in itself, but it gets repetitive when it happens so much. Try and vary your writing style a little bit.

Overall, the plot is falling into place, the characters are feeling nice and relateable, and the setting is engrossing. I'm seriously digging this story. Like I said earlier, this is the first story that's caught my interest in a long while... can't wait to see how the next few chapters go.

Oh yeah, one last issue...

We need more!

5371608 I love your critiques! Thank you so much for pointing out the things I need to work on, It really helps. Also, they're mostly positive and they really help a lot. I'm glad the story has caught your attention :) that makes me happy and I do take everything you say as a compliment. This is my first story so I'm really working on trying to improve with each chapter and with people like you giving me input I feel like I am. The "show vs tell" issue is something I'm struggling with but something that I'm really trying to catch myself on. I understand what you're saying though. Thank you so much for your input. It does really help a lot :)

No worries man. Show/Tell is something I worry about too. That and cutting down my content, I like to talk on and on and on and on and overdescribe things. (As you can probably guess, lol.)

That was interesting, I'll have to keep an eye on the adventuress of the million cap mare (on drugs!). Hopefully she kicks tobacco soon; it simply doesn't compare to wonders of wondering how a lamp lamps.:trollestia:


The Ministry of Magic

It's Ministry of Arcane Sciences. :fluttercry:

5436702 Thank you for your kind words! I hope you enjoy what's to come. Next chapter will be out fairly soon. Also, I will be more wary of calling it the Ministry of Magic in the future. I knew it was Arcane Science but think I just typed in a hurry and my editors didn't catch it :facehoof: I changed it though! It's all fixed now! :pinkiehappy: and yes Sortilege shouldn't smoke. Neither should I :fluttercry: Her and I seem to have a tendency to fall into bad habits. Oh well. Maybe I'll end up kicking mine and we'll see what others Sorts picks up along the way :raritywink:

5439278 No, you shouldn't smoke tobacco. I'm sure you've hear the spiel, so I'll spare you it.

It's still entertaining to see an admittedly implausible marihuana session in the wasteland. Nice change of pace from my usual.

As an editor, I always try to at least give honest feedback, especially on stories where there aren't a lot of views or comments. So long as its a good story. As an editor, I'd have suggested a less crazy bounty. I mean 100k only to be later informed of it being 1m? Maybe 50k or 100k to 150-500k, but that's literal TONS of money. Exactly 2.5, actually, if you're using a .08 ounce bottlecap. Not that every cap is the same mass. But it's still 5,000 pounds to carry around. They'll need to ask for water talismans or something instead. Or pipbucks, pipbuck accessories, rare weaponry, medical supplies, and the like. I'd suggest not using gold; it's hardly something with a set post-apocalyptic value.

5439620 Yeah I've heard the spiel but I've quit for the most part. Haven't had an actual cigarette in about a month so I'm doing good. I'm glad you enjoyed the smoking session. I was really nervous writing it because I didn't want it to just come across as "lol they're getting high!' but wanted it to be kind of a genuine bonding moment for the characters. I haven't got any flak for it yet so It would appear I succeeded and that makes me happy :twilightsheepish:

5439645 Argh, you replied while I was distractedly editing more thing into my reply.

Yes, you did write it well. It defies all logic but it couldn't be better fitting to the story … somehow. It's good to hear you've just about kicked your smoking habit, too.

Yes, you did write it well. It defies all logic but it couldn't be better fitting to the story … somehow

Yes! Totally what I'm aiming for! just trying to make things interesting and enjoyable :)

Also I'll provide a really lazy, half assed and silly explanation for where Smokin' Grass actually gets his stuff. But enough sillyness for the time being. A little serious time lies ahead ;)

5439620 Ha! Have you not played Fallout? Bottlecaps have no weight! ;P

But no seriously they'll find means to transport them.

No , fallout 3 isn't windows 7/8 compatible and it won't let itself install in a place where it'd work (I tried). But really, barter (or stashing some of them for later) is a less conspicuous thing to do. The other mercs would rob them blind if they had a few carts of caps behind them.

5456947 Eh well we shall see what happens when we get to the end of the story ;P The girls haven't really thought things through completely as they kind of tend to do.

5456970 Oh dear, it's worse than I thought. Maybe sortiledge can help! If she sates her desire to get high, that is.

Fallout 3 can work on windows 7. It works for me. You should try googling around, there's probably fix for the problem. Also, NV definitely works on Windows 7. You should definitely look into it, they're both very good.

5473360 Of the windows 7/8 it said it wasn't optimized for, I have 8.1; it won't even pass the launcher.

Well, the grammar and style needs a lot of help...but that ending sure made me chuckle!


This is...fascinating. It's like getting the campfire version of a story, told apologetically with children in the room. It's cheesy, certainly, but in a good way. I'd argue that you do characters very well, save for Sortilege...

As a whole, the chapter was littered with grammar issues, which technically were an eyesore, but holistically, it was a fun read. The really sore spot was the 'telling' aspect of the story, in which I get told every last thing, instead of inferring it. Granted, that kind of works with the 3rd person style you have going, so I'll be looking forward to seeing where this goes.


5534353 Glad you seem to be enjoying it :) this is my first story and I know my grammar and my show vs tell needs a lot of work and those are both things I've been improving upon as I go. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and thanks for your comment :)

I'm making this comment because I want there to be 40 comments.

loving the story nice work. definitely better than mine, keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

P.S: love the dark comedy, and comedy.

5608666 Thank you for your kind words and I'll be sure to keep the story rollin' :raritywink:

Girls...I think this is the wrong gang


First off the bat, the recollection of Sandy's time at the facility in the beginning was great. The characters and their interactions are so easy to visualize. We're starting to connect with Sandy and get a feel for what sort of life he's had.

the most miraculous site she'd

"Site" here should be "sight."

Again, character interactions are really what shines here. Seeing the others apologize to Sugar, and getting to see that deep down she really is still a kid, is an example of what makes this story stick out in a good way.

The question festered in her mind. Harassed her every thought. She tried to remember them...but no matter how hard she tried she simply couldn't.
This was a new kind of torture entirely. She could never fall asleep like this. Her brain wouldn't let her escape . So she laid on the couch and watched the lamp. Watched the green droplets of fluid slowly float up to the surface and disappear. Just like her memories…
Where did they go?
For what felt like an eternity she watched the lamp, praying it would somehow magically answer her question and put her mind at ease.
But it never did

I loved this passage. Your ability to make the audience feel like they're in a character's head has shot up dramatically.

"No I call her Rock because

Missing a comma in here.

Okay, Skitz really freaked me out there.

The fight scene was nicely done. Kept a good brisk pace. Easy to visualize.

Oddie brothers head

Missing an apostrophe.

She asked in an absolutely bone chilling manner.

"Absolutely" doesn't have much of a place in descriptions, in my opinion at least. Kinda sounds like someone trying really hard to make something sound badass. Which it is, but still.

the filly gazed in her jaw dropped. Sugar sat down hard, then without changing her awestruck expression, shifted her focus to Grass.

Think you jumbled some words in that first sentence fragment I quoted. But FUCK YES I WANNA SEE SUGAR ATOMIZE SOME BOUNTY HUNTERS! :D

Sugars cry echoed into the night.

Missing another apostrophe.

Poor Smokey. RIP in piece.

Man, poor Sunshine. Somehow, a young child seeing a person she idolizes attack her own mother is more heartbreaking than any number of random gory deaths.

Okay, so this chapter was a long one. But a good one. I hate to sound like an English teacher, but seriously, the quality of the writing is improving noticeably. The instances of "telling" rather than "showing" have gone down a lot, though they're still there sometimes. The reader can really tell that you like to get inside your characters' heads. They're realistic (relatively, heh) and interesting. And the scenarios and interactions they experience are that much stronger for it. Looking forward to chapter seven!

5651429 So I've gone back and touched up on those little grammatical errors. They're hard to catch! I've got two editors and a couple of pre-readers and those little things still slip by! Hell I'm sure there are even a couple in there that we all still missed. That's why people hire professional editors haha. Also I changed "absolutely" to "the most" I think that sounds a little better.

Glad you're still liking the story! I've tried really hard to work on the things you've pointed out previously, especially show vs tell, which I probably consider my biggest weakness. It's really reassuring to hear you say I'm improving :)

And you're right. I LOVE getting in my characters heads! Good characters make a story. I've done everything I could to make my girls as entertaining and engaging as possible. Glad to see hear you say it shows :)

Chapter 7 is coming along pretty slow but I'm gonna try and get it out as soon as I can. These little chapter reviews you leave really help. They sorta light a fire under my ass and make me want to work to make the next chapter even better.

Thanks for your input again man. Really appreciate it :)

(Sorta surprised you didn't comment on the very last line of the chapter. My pre-readers and editors wigged out about that haha)

I want more FoE:DD :( :( :(

5960380 Not only is the new chapter coming soon but I also have a new FoE story underway that will be here in a few months. So just be a little more patient and expect a new chapter sometime this month :)

"Casually slaughtered" the "wrong gang" of "raiders".

This looks good. >:D

Oookay, this is pretty good. This is *very* good. Occasional grammar issues, but this is... something new.

6014021 I try to go back and fix the grammar issues as often as I can and there's a lot less as the story goes on

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