Fluttershy is having a tough summer day. She knew, of course, that there wasn't a chance for anything between her and Rainbow, but having her hopes dashed by an off-hoof comment before she even dared voice them...
...is exactly the kind of stupid mistake Dash makes. Act first, think later is all well and good when she's only looking out for herself, but it's precisely the reason why she shouldn't date her best friend. After all, Fluttershy is a gentle soul, considerate, easily offended...
...and not as weak as she seems. She'll do anything to prove it, to be worthy of Rainbow's attentions, to become...
...the one pony Dash might just trust her heart with this whole "romance" thing. Because she has no idea what's going on, or even if she's got those kind of feelings. After all, Fluttershy wouldn't hurt a fly and they...
...no matter what happens, she and Rainbow...
will always be friends.
cover image (c) turbozmr on flickr, CC BY-NC-SA
All of my d'awwws.
first fic? really? wow, i'm impressed, good job to all of you!
D'awwww
that was adorable and you get all of my approval forever
My heart squeed with delight
I want to read it again.
This. Is. So. AWESOME *squee*
You win all of the wins. Nuff said
Wow I found this completely by accident and I'm really glad I did :)
I'd like to apologize for the current formatting issues: indented lines in the middle of paragraphs in a couple of places. I think this may be a bug, since there's nothing strange in the edit-box. That nopony has complained is a testament to your forbearance and good grace. Thank you.
I'm glad you guys enjoy it. This has been an eye-opening experience to write. For one thing, this was initially supposed to be a subversion of shipping, 'cuz, c'mon, I don't write romance.
I'd certainly appreciate criticism too -- fire away! That's what spared you from reading, for example, accidental Fluttershy / Angel innuendo. (How the hell did I write that?) I mean, I'm going to let the flaws that remain stay because I have to cut my perfectionism off somewhere, but there are other fics in the works and the first step to improving myself is knowing what I do wrong.
d'awwwwwwwwww *squee*
too bad this site doesn't have fluttershy's face when she made that noise as an emoticon. oh well, anyway, awesome fic so far!
nvm the "so far" i never noticed the "complete" tag aw man, i was looking forward to more
That was very well written. Didn't follow the cliches these stories so often do, was very easy to picture, and was pretty much the perfect length.
Wonderful story. Not gonna lie after Rainbow said the thing about also not liking stallions, the close up was obvious, but it did have some nice surprises.
Truly beautiful. I wanna cry! >w<
I'm just gonna wipe away a tear here and applaud you. That was some of the most solid stuff I have seen in a long time, and I read like a maniac.
Out of curiosity, I feel that what you said in your acknowledgment is definitely true, and that writing is better with others involved. So could you point me towards any of the resources you used, or even just chat with me yourself? I've been working on a lot of stuff but haven't put it up here, and I'm new to this series, so I could use the assistance. Either way, thank you for this story.
Great story! I really enjoyed it, nice and sweet. :)
53648 "easy to picture"
That's all to Cassius' credit. I'm not that visual myself and needed his kick in the ass. He also edited "The Glass Blower," and thinks it deserves more attention, so give that a shot.
53927 -- Resources
I've decided to put 'em in a blog post.
Dude, this is freaking AMAZING. Here, lemme pulle something out real quick
"and one whose presence right now was as spicy and enticing as the savor of mulled cider on a winter day"
That is the most incredible simile I have EVER read. Your imagery and descriptions are ten times what I can put out. I always thought I was great at descriptive, but this puts anything I've written ti total shame. I mean, you're dialogue is awesome, too. My dialogue is total shit. I always put in unecessary speaker tags and fuck up the flow of what I'm writing. This story is (save for a few minor grammatical issues) absutely PERFECT. I commend you and your skills, sir/madam. You are exponentially my better.
D'awwwwww
Even though I personally can't see flutterDash happening, this was well written enough to melt my heart
this was one of the most heartwrenching and romantic stories i've read without it going too far in to the physical, very well done!
now i have just one question....
are you going to write about more couples ?
I can honestly say I really enjoyed this story.
However, one thing bugs me. Some scenes make me feel as if Fluttershy is too aggressive for her character. I've told an author before, and I'll tell you this, Fluttershy would not tackle Rainbow Dash like she did.
Yes, I know about the Grand Galloping Gala episode, even that didn't feel right. I have a very rigid view of ponies and maybe that's my short-coming, but still. It just doesn't feel right.
Anyways, loved the story overall and hope to see some more writing of yours.
You made me squeal like a little fangirl with this. You should continue writing. Preferably more Flutterdash, but I'll read anything you write.
54294 There comes a certain insanity when the person you've secretly loved for an amount of time finds out.
Perfect, I loved it! Hope you to make another one soon!
Alright, that is absolutely beautiful! im trying to critique here, but its just too perfect! Alright, ill be blunt, the writing, wasnt perfect. I write, and this is far better than any of my work, som im noone to judge, but the form was average, there were alot of clauses that i didnt so much prefer, and there was very little descriptive imagery. There was some, but not enough, in my opinion.
Overall, id have to say, this is a masterpiece! the love is clearly expressed, and even if its predictable at parts, its a very nice work, and i love it!
Nice to see the first story I ever crashed with my edits finally get finished and get a feature on this site.
Of course, there is always room for improvement, but I'm happy with the finished project, even if you didn't come to me for help with the final draft.
I was about to go to your house and Pee on everything you loved, But then...
I thought about Hugging you instead.
This story is nice, Please do a Twilight one now.
Cheers
~Iraqlobstah
So, how do I start this?
Let's start with: wow.
Currently my expression is something like : /, because I'm not sure what to say in response to this rather weird story. It is, first and foremost, cute. When you have Fluttershy that's a bit of a given.
Alright, let me talk about what's solid. The writing is great, very well worded. Not too descriptive, but perfectly getting the point across. Concept was sweet, very well handled. I particularly liked how Rainbow sort of tricked Fluttershy into a promise to make it so that Fluttershy wouldn't let guilt of fear get in the way.
Then we reach the weird part. I love long stories with slow pacing. I can sit through short ones only because they're short. I don't like how an end or point of a story is reached in a very short amount of time. Romance stories are very unsatisfying to me in this regard because it feels like we went from friendship to lovers way too quickly. The few 'one shot' romance stories I like are somewhere in 10K words, usually more. You, however, went beyond the impossible and crammed a nice blurb of a story into sixty-four thousand words or so and made it flow like a river while giving me enough information that I didn't feel like I was on a roller coaster. It felt like plain old coasting the whole way. I'm stumped, honestly, as to how you managed that. I'm quite jealous.
Anyway, if this is your final product after you've edited the crud out of it, remember to always do what you just did. This is a wonderfully polished gem stone right here.
Very nice. A decent one shot story, nice characterization (if a bit confusing at times, mostly Dash's behaviour), the pacing was consistent and the premise was solid. There were a few glaring grammatical/spelling errors that unfortunately ground me to a halt a couple times, but it was about one every thousand or so words, so not too bad. Maybe consider running through for editing.
Some of Dash's dialogue was confusing, almost like you knew what you wanted her to say, but weren't sure how she would say it.
All in all, a satisfying read.
3.8 stars
rounded up, 4 stars
Very nice. A decent one shot story, nice characterization (if a bit confusing at times, mostly Dash's behaviour), the pacing was consistent and the premise was solid. There were a few glaring grammatical/spelling errors that unfortunately ground me to a halt a couple times, but it was about one every thousand or so words, so not too bad. Maybe consider running through for editing.
Some of Dash's dialogue was confusing, almost like you knew what you wanted her to say, but weren't sure how she would say it.
All in all, a satisfying read.
3.8 stars
rounded up, 4 stars
Visual vs Metaphor
---
54033 -- mulled cider
Cassius wasn't too wild about that one, since the metaphor is powerful enough to pull the reader out of the scene at hand. I agreed, and attempted to strengthen the scene to hold its own. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
54965 -- needs more pictures
Yep. This is mostly a weakness of my writing, and partly a characteristic of the narrator. So, it's something I'd like to work on, but this was the wrong story in which to do so.
55143
Above is why I didn't come back: I didn't think I could make you happy with the whole "third-person masquerading as first" thing I'm trying to do, much less sell you on "it should be flowery and romantic because Fluttershy."
A story from Dash or Rarity's perspective would be more to your style and my benefit. Fortunately, both are now in development...
Sex and Sensuality
---
54276 "without going too far"
Finding the right level-of-content was challenging, but rewarding. While I suspect I could have heated things up even more here, I recently went way too far in a draft. This is still something I'm working on as a writer.
More?
---
54276 "more couples"
I'd love to write more relationships, but none of my upcoming ideas feature romance.
55228 Twilight
I haven't found her the right pony yet, and the lack of stallions in canon doesn't help. TwiMac, maybe, but I don't know him well enough.
55286 the length of the piece
Without cuts, this story would have two beginnings and three endings, be something like 15k, been rated Mature, and suck. Cuts are good.
But, there's a downside to focus, too. This story leaves so much unsaid that I'd like to say, particularly about Rainbow's motivations.
Others
---
54294 ...wouldn't tackle
Rainbow Dash basically said "Sorry, I like you, but I think I need to go screw some other ponies first." Considering that in canon "I think I'd like a pet" is reason enough for FS to pick RD up and haul her across town, I think I've got her in character here.
54177 credible?
Their relationship has grown up slowly but with unstoppable force. To say any more might spoil.
55542
Characterization through action and dialog is hard, I'm still learning, and I bit off more than I could chew trying to take Dash in a non-fanon direction.
I'll read through once again for grammar issues. (It never ends, does it?) I have spellchecked, though, and neologisms like "forehoof" are spelled the way I want them.
Wut?
---
55228 pee on your things
Um, thank you, I guess...
*locks the front door and hides*
Aww, very cute. I'll admit, FlutterDash isn't my favourite shipping couple, but this was very well done. Kinda makes me wish I could write romance.
That was awesome, just awesome.
Let me know if you write a sequel, okay?
Yes indeed, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are two sides of the same coin. As expected, your skill shines through. Nicely done, EW.
BTW, I'll be asking a favor of you very soon...
Much thanks to Cassius for digging through the story and tuning it up. Seventh revision now. Rejected by EqD, so time to pick up the pieces and find a conceptual guru and work on the eighth.
That was... awesome
A well deserved 5 stars. Excellent work.
a very good story, i loved it even though i kinda got lost in the middle but you managed to make me yell "YES YES YES YES" at the end. I loved it good work.
Very nice writing bro
"The nice thing about clouds is they're made of water."
An intriguing first sentence.
Right away, I wonder why this fact is worthy of commenting on to the narrator.
"Fluttershy lay atop a giant cumulus growing wild in the hot summer sky, grateful for someplace to cry that wouldn't need to be washed later."
Adorable and Fluttershy-y.
"She stopped her train of thought in its tracks"
Amusing little pun. I'll give further thoughts on this later, but it's good, if a bit too internalized and not fully grounded in the external realities.
441172
> if a bit too internalized
You've hit the nail on the head! A rewrite is in progress, if slowly, and that's one of two main foci. The others are expanding the backstory and a new gimmick for expressing Fluttershy's emotional arc.
But at the moment, my muse is more entertained by adorable and innocent stories. Titles like "Watching Paint Dry" (A CMC story), "Eris of Everfree" (A Brackenwood crossover), and "Talent in the Rough" (Rarity's teenage angst).
Here's a sample of the new "Falling," though.
==
"So, Rainbow, um... hi.”
Dash just ignored her and continued along the path, which gently curved to the left. The building was oval; the walkway eventually rounded back on itself, enclosing an open-air sky-court in the center. Looking across and down — Dash’s apartment was on the highest level — Fluttershy saw where some of the residents grew flowers and herbs in hanging gardens that climbed the rails and spilled through them, bright spots of color and falls of green cascading down the white sky-marble.
A few older pegasi were playing a ball game, swooping and shouting joyfully in the court. Fluttershy tried again to break the solitude. "I brought you your homework."
Damn...I fell for Dashs little "trick" just like Fluttershy did and almost started crying...curse you unstable emotions!
Anyway! Great story! I really enjoyed the reading of it!
I don't imagine too many folks will check in here, but I figure if you're curious enough to look, I'd like to mention status. I threw out my last rewrite for having too many confusing time-skips and serious show-don't-tell problems. Thanks go to SwiperTheFox for saving me from a lot of embarrassment.
The second rewrite is now into its fourth chapter, nearly twenty thousand words, and includes things I was going to put into the sequel - including Rainbow Dash's perspective. I think it's better: a lot more description, growing up in Cloudsdale, Angel Bunny, Rarity's good intentions but unfortunate cluelessness, but it's still not ready to come out and play. The second chapter needs more uncomfortable situation, the first one needs to be less confusing.
More than anything, I'm nervous tackling a concept that can easily turn into a novel.
If anyone's wandering by and would like to pre-read, drop me a PM.
Came across this again when doing a "do I recognize any of these user names on my story's favorite list." Somehow in the past I'd managed to read this and NOT favorite it or upvote it. After a reread, this has been corrected.
This is one of my fave fics of them getting together. Pitty theres nothing to come after it
FTW!
this is wonderful.
can't wait to read more of your fics!
I cried a bit.
Did the story just completely change? Because I had just finished reading it, and was about to move on to the acknowledgements, and all of a sudden the story is completely different.
1861818
I expanded the beginning by 3x, kept the best moments, and learned how to write. I didn't expect to catch anypony halfway through reading it, so sorry for that. Think of it as a new story, but there are things I didn't change up.