The Road Less Traveled

by TheFanficFanPony

Applejack Takes Manehatten

Today's the day, Applejack thought as she packed her things into her saddlebags. She was going to the big city! Maybe she'd even get her cutie mark!

"Bye, Big Mac! Bye, Granny Smith!" Applejack called as she trotted towards the train that would take her to the big city. She wondered what it would be like as she sat on the cushy green train seat. She had wanted to go to Manehatten for as long as she could remember. She may have grown up on a farm, but she wondered if she was cut out for the big city.

Her friend Rarity talked about it extensively, AJ soaking as much as she could up from the conversation that Rarity had taken charge of.

"Everypony off for the Manehatten Station!" Smoke Stack, the train conductor, ushering large crowds of ponies off as well as on.

Applejack swallowed as she got off the train, preparing herself for ridicule for being a country pony.

She looked around, eyes gleaming as she saw many tall buildings, statues, and fancy shops. The streets were beautifully paved, and the city had an overall clean appearance. She looked at the posh ponies trotting around the streets, talking and flaunting all sorts of fancy duds. She wished she could be like that.

She saw an apartment building and recognized the address as her aunt and uncle Orange's!

"Why, hello, darling! Fancy seeing you around here!" Aunt Orange said, smiling.

"A pleasure to see you as well!" Applejack said, putting on the posh accent that Rarity had.

"Oh ho!" Uncle Orange said, surprised.

"Yes! And I would like to go to the party you have planned for tonight, as it should be exquisite." Applejack replied, using a word she liked that Rarity had used. She felt so normal acting like this, and hoped she could stay a little longer.

"Well, I love your fluent Manehattenite! Nopony could do it as well as you!" Aunt Orange praised Applejack, who blushed.

"I'm afraid I have nothing to wear." Applejack said sadly, hanging her head.

"Well, no time like the present!" Aunt Orange said cheerfully, grabbing AJ's hoof and pulling her out the door in excitement. She never thought the down-to-earth country pony would decide to join the Manehatten high society, and she was very exited.

The mare and the filly trotted down the streets, both marveling at the many clothing stores lining the streets. Applejack wondered why Auntie was so exited. However, Applejack seemed to get a little exited as she looked at all of the beautiful clothes.

They trotted into a store called Equestrian Outfitter. It was a high society shop that had high end clothing, as well as some of Rarity's designs.

"Woah.." Applejack stared at all of the beautiful clothes. She had never seen such clothing, and she never got to wear this kind of stuff at Sweet Apple Acres, as her family didn't really care about fancy clothes, and Applejack thought fancy clothes were weird. But as she looked at the large selection of clothes and accessories, she had an odd feeling. She wanted to try them on!

She shook her head. I'm not like that, she told herself. But she still had an urge to get all dressed up.

She spotted a light green dress on a rack. It also had a small, apple shaped jewel necklace on the rack as well.

"Erm, Aunt Orange? May I have that dress?" Applejack asked, blushing a little in embarrassment.

"Sure thing, darling!" Aunt Orange said, smiling. She was very surprised.

Applejack hesitated, but grabbed the dress off the rack with her teeth, and put it on. She looked in a mirror, and was amazed.

She was pretty. She looked like a pony from Manehattan. She liked it! She spun a little, making the the dress billow out behind her.

"You like it?" Aunt Orange asked Applejack, who nodded shyly. She may have been a farmpony, but she thought this life seemed intriguing and fun, more so than her normal life on the farm.

"Good, let's buy it!" Aunt Orange replied.

They trotted up to the cashier pony, and bought the dress.

Next, they trotted to the mane salon near by. Instead of seeing Aloe and Lotus, the fillies who's mothers worked at the Ponyville salon, a beautiful cream colored mare with a light blue mane worked there.

"Hello misses, what would you like to do today?" the mare asked.

"May I see the style options for mane cuts?" Applejack asked politely.

She chose a beautiful updo that eventuated her bangs and enhanced her green eyes. AJ didn't know a mane style could even do that.

The mare used her unicorn magic to spay her mane and style it up, a small mirror in front of her, showing her the progress of her mane styling.

"Darling choice!" Aunt Orange said, admiring how Applejack's mane style matched her own. Applejack blushed, smiling down at her fancy dress. She never knew how fun fashion and style could be. She had thought it was frivolous and silly at first. But now, she really enjoyed it!

Next, the salon mare brought out some makeup. Applejack winced, wondering if the makeup would hurt her face. But as the mare applied the lipstick and eye makeup, Applejack felt relaxed and calm. The makeup felt good on her face, and at the end, she looked in the mirror. She gasped. She looked amazing! She pursed her lips, and her lipstick was a beautiful shade of pink. She had false eyelashes in and light pink eye makeup. She stared at her reflection in awe.

I never knew how beautiful I could be, she thought. And I just might be cut out for being a sophisticated Manehattenite.

As Applejack trotted into the small apartment room, she realized something. The whole time she was in the store and out on the streets, she had been talking in perfect Manehattenite! She was doing it with out even thinking!

"Well, let us go to the party!" Uncle Orange said, smiling warmly at Applejack in her dress, makeup, and fancy mane-do.

The ponies trotted into the large hall. Many fancy ponies were sitting on cushiony chairs along the table, and heads turned as Applejack trotted towards the table. Her mane shone in the light of the chandelier overhead, and her dress flowed behind her.

The 3 ponies sat down in a line, Applejack in the middle. Applejack sat across from a snowy white mare with a blond mane.

"Hello everypony! This is my niece from Ponyville." Aunt Orange introduced Applejack.

Earlier, she had told Applejack to think of a more sophisticated name to use, as Applejack was a very "country" name.

"H-hello, my name is Apple Jewel." Applejack said, using the fancy name she had come up with, making sure to speak in clear Manehattenite.

"Very good!" Aunt Orange whispered to "Apple Jewel".

"How quaint!" Snowy Blonde said, smiling at Apple Jewel and levitating her cup in the air.

"Indeed." a brown stallion said, nodding.

"Thank you ever so much!" Apple Jewel said, pleased at the attention she was getting, and she wanted to keep this life style for a while. Also, Apple Jewel had a nice ring to it.

The dinner was brought out, as Apple Jewel thought about how the night was going. She had actually found herself enjoying the fancy manners and dresses. It was much more fun than hard farm work.

Maybe here, though she still had a lot to learn, this would lead to her cutie mark, and a future that she couldn't see.

Comments

[RavenFire2908]

Moar!!!!!!

[TheFanficFanPony]

4890087
I will! Thanks for the fave!!!

[RavenFire2908]

Yay

[Cloud Hop]

The idea here is interesting, but there are a number of technical issues, and the dialogue feels stiff. One particular line that really stands out is Applejack saying "Hello, I am Apple Jewel," which makes her sound like a robot. A small child in an unfamiliar setting attempting to pronounce things using a specific dialect is probably going to say something closer to "H-hello, I'm Apple Jewel."

Another really odd one is "Well, let us go to the party!" Even though "let's" is a contraction of "let us", absolutely no one ever actually says "Let us go to", it's always "Let's go to", baring a few very rare exceptions.

Smoke Stack, the train conductor, said as he ushered many ponies out, as well as welcoming more ponies aboard.

Said tags should be short. This should be an action tag instead: "Smoke Stack, the train conductor, ushered a hoard of ponies out, before welcoming even more ponies aboard."

If you look carefully in my edit above, you will notice I replaced "many" with "a hoard". This is a classic example of Show, Don't Tell. Instead of telling me there's a lot of ponies, show me there are a lot of ponies.

The 3 ponies sat down in a line, Applejack in between her Aunt and Uncle

I would write this as "down in a line, with Applejack in between", because it flows better. Try reading your story out loud and see if flows off the tongue nicely. If you find yourself subconsciously inserting words or stumbling over the dialogue, you should probably rewrite it so it feels more natural. Written language was invented after spoken language, and should always strive to imitate speech.

Applejack blushed, as she found it pretty.

This is another Show, Don't Tell issue. You shouldn't need to TELL us that applejack found it pretty. You should use applejack's body language and behavior to communicate it. Try to imagine yourself describing a scene in a movie. Movies almost never have narrators that can tell us what the characters are doing, they have to demonstrate it to us through actions and behavior. If you find yourself describing a character's mood, try instead to imagine what they would be doing in a movie scene. Would they be hunched over, pouting, perhaps batting at their bangs in boredom? Would they be tensed up, a hoof raised in trepidation as their eyes jerk side to side? Reading "She was scared" is not nearly as entertaining as "Her heart pounded in her chest, and sweat glistened on her brow. The only sound in the forest was her own, ragged breaths as she crouched in terror beneath the great castle."

I suggest reading the Writer's Guide, because it touches on a lot of this stuff.

[TheFanficFanPony]

4890822
Thanks for the advice!

Everypony, I have edited the story a bit, but the plot is still the same. Just a few grammatical things and the like.

[Azure Sandora]

Oh hoh! This is interesting! I always wondered if maybe some part of Applejack did want to stay in Maneatten, and that was why her relationship with Rarity was so strained (living how she subconsciously wanted to live). I'm following this now, so you BETTER continue.

Or else...

[TheFanficFanPony]

4958097

I am! I pinkie promise!

[Paradise Oasis]

Hmmm, I really like this, because you never get to see an exploration of what this time period was like for Applejack... why was she so sad? She seemed to really like living in the big city and being sophisticated and acting all feminine... what was the deciding factor that made her what to run back to the farm so bad, and later rebel against anything 'fru-fru'? I really don't think it was that little conversation at dinner with those rich snobs! Anyway, I can't wait to see where you take this, as there are so few stories covering AJ's fillyhood in Manehatten.

[TheFanficFanPony]

5188495

Well, this technically is a what if type story, like if she liked Manehatten, what would her destiny and personality be like? Would she go back to the farm?

[Paradise Oasis]

5188531
oppssssss, sorry! my mistake!

[TheFanficFanPony]

5188543

It's OK!

[Kirito-Persona]

Im looking forward to June when you update this! Otherwise, I'll be writing my own version to satisfy my need for MOREEEEEEE!!!!

[RedNoteThePony]

Oh that was super great!!

[Douglas Granite]

Hope you continue sometime! Been nearly 3 years!

[Randompersononline134]

I know you probably won’t see this comment, but I really wanted to say it anyway. I really love this story even if it’s incomplete. The concept is cool, the writing is good. It’s a truly great story. And though it probably won’t happen, I would absolutely be ecstatic if this story was to ever be continued. But what I mainly care about is knowing if your doing well. Have a wonderful day and weekend