Slim Pickings
Twilight could hardly keep her pace to a trot as she rushed through the long palace hallway. She'd been yearning to say it for days, and now was the perfect opportunity. It took all her will to not just shout it out. She took deep breaths, attempting to calm herself. She was a princess – she needed to show proper decorum.
The royal guard in front of the door stepped aside with a bow, and the golden door opened from the inside.
She stepped into the royal lounge.
Inside reclined the very top of the who's-who of Equestria. Not only Celestia and Luna, but Cadance and Shining Armor, visiting from the Crystal Empire. They all hushed and stared for a moment as she entered.
“Twiley!” Shining Armor jumped up.
Cadance wasn't far behind him. “Twilight! You made it!”
“Of course.” Twilight waved it away with a hoof. “It's been too long.”
“It has indeed.” Celestia relaxed back into her lounge chair. “Come, take a seat. We were just catching up on events in the Crystal Empire.”
“Well, actually...” Twilight didn't want to sit just yet. She wasn't sure she could sit still and relax, not until she told them the news. “Actually, I have something to tell you. To tell you all.”
Cadance tilted her head to the side. “What is it, Twilight?”
Twilight took a deep breath. “I'm getting married!”
Cadance's mouth opened into a silent 'Oh'. Shining Armor's eyes shot open wide. Celestia gasped and winced.
“This is most fortuitous news!” Luna rose from her pillows. “I knew Blueblood would find a match some day!” She shot a smug grin to her older sister. “Our bet?”
What? Twilight stared at her.
Celestia's horn glowed, and a small bag, clinking with bits, floated toward Luna. Halfway there, though, it froze. “Wait...” Celestia's eyes narrowed. “Marrying whom?”
Luna glared at her. “There is only one possibility, sister.”
Celestia didn't take her eyes off Twilight. “Who is it?”
Fighting an inexplicable urge to step back, to run, Twilight glanced side to side. Her brother and sister-in-law still stared at her. “Well, I've gotten engaged to Rainbow Dash.”
Luna's head drooped.
Even though the bag of bits floated back to Celestia, the Princess sighed and shook her head. “I'm sorry, Twilight.”
Something clicked inside Twilight's head, a switch that didn't often get thrown. She scowled at Celestia. “I think the phrase you're looking for is 'congratulations', not 'I'm sorry'.”
Luna stepped over to her and laid a hoof on her shoulder... or tried to. Twilight shrugged it off as soon as it came.
“Twilight,” Celestia said, “did you read that book about royal customs and duties I sent you?”
Giving her former teacher a doubtful glare from the corner of her eye, Twilight shrugged. “I'm still working my way through it. It is over four thousand pages.”
Luna glanced to Celestia. “We should get around to revising that.”
Celestia ignored her sister. “Twilight, according to Equestrian law, a princess can only marry a prince.”
Twilight's mind went black, a void no thought could cross. “But...”
Luna brought her hoof back to Twilight's shoulder. This time, it stayed.
Shining Armor and Cadance came up to her, wrapping her in a three-way hug.
“But...” That couldn't possibly be right. Because... “But Shining Armor wasn't a prince when Princess Cadance married him!” Twilight could feel Cadance's wince.
“I'm sorry, Twilight. According to the terms of the treaty, I didn't technically become a princess until after I married. They wrote that in because I was so young when I came.”
“So...” The wheels in Twilight's mind spun uselessly, unable to process it.
“So–” Celestia bit her lip “–there is only one pony in Equestria you could legally marry.”
Twilight's mental wheels kept spinning. They gained some traction now, but she didn't like the direction they were going.
The golden door opened again. “You called?” Prince Blueblood stood in the doorway, posing dramatically with a raised eyebrow. His mane waved in an inexplicable wind.
Luna glared at him. “Out!”
His eyes narrowed in return. “I have as much right to the royal lounge as any other royalty.”
The Princess of the Night didn't back down. “You forget Princess Cadance's restraining order, Prince. You are not to be within one hundred meters of her.” She took a menacing step toward him.
He backed away. “Fine, fine.” He turned to leave, mumbling. Just before the door closed, he glanced back at Twilight. “See you around, future wife.”
“What?” Twilight's eye twitched. The ponies around her drew back when her legs went tense.
Celestia winced again. “Right.” She glanced around, but apparently, nopony else felt like explaining it. “Well, you see, it's ah...”
“A princess does not fully inherit her throne – by Equestrian law – until she marries.” Luna kept staring at the door.
Those spinning wheels froze, locked in place. “No no no no. That is not happening.”
Celestia shook her head. “It's not so bad. Blueblood is a mortal, so it's only for one lifetime. And believe it or not, he's much better than my first husband.”
“No!” Twilight stomped a hoof down. “Change the law! I'm marrying Rainbow Dash!”
“Twilight, please.” Celestia finally rose. “The law hasn't changed for tens of thousands of years. We can't change it. Please, just go along with it. It isn't so bad... and there is no urgency. You could easily wait until Blueblood is much older, so you need not spend so much time with him. Believe me, in a thousand years or so, this will be nothing.”
“I said no!” With a flash, Twilight teleported away.
She reappeared on a high balcony of Canterlot Castle, taking wing immediately and heading for Ponyville.
* * *
The four royal ponies stared at the spot Twilight had vanished from. One by one, their ability to hold back laughter gave way to snorts and chuckles.
“I do believe she actually fell for it,” Luna said with a grin.
Celestia took a moment to calm herself. “I hope she doesn't take it too seriously. She has been known to...”
“Break down into a psychotic episode and threaten the survival of Equestria with a misguided spell?” Shining Armor glanced back at the small scorch mark on the floor.
“I'm sure she'll be fine.” Cadance winced. “She's a very smart pony. She'll figure it out. And besides, the first solution she'll think of is reading. She'll look in that book and find out there's no such law.”
Blueblood burst in through the golden door. “So, how did it go?”
All four of them whirled to face him. “Out!” they all shouted.
“But...”
“The outcome of our joke does not affect the validity of your restraining order, Prince Blueblood.” Celestia gave him a stern glare.
He rolled his eyes. “Fine.” With another slam of the door, he was gone.
Celestia looked back to the others. “I'm certain Twilight will realize what happened soon, but perhaps we should travel to Ponyville... just in case.”
“Just in case Twilight decides to overthrow the government of Equestria and write her own marriage laws?” Cadance raised an eyebrow.
Celestia allowed herself a little grin in the corner of her mouth. “Something like that.”
* * *
Twilight burst into the ballroom of her own castle as if she was intruding. “Rainbow, finally! There you are!”
Rainbow and Spike looked back at her, their faces in blank shock.
“Um, hey babe,” Rainbow Dash called out, a far cry from her usual self-sure attitude. “Me and Spike were just going over some of the wedding plans. Did you set a date?”
“Wow, you're home early.” Spike looked at an imaginary watch. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything's just fine.” Twilight put on her best smile, though she feared it might look a little off. “Rainbow, darling, we're going to Griffonia. Right now.”
Rainbow stared at her with a scrunched-up face. “Griffonia? Why?”
“We're going to go get married under griffon marriage laws. Immediately.”
“But...” Rainbow's mouth hung open for a moment. “How are we going to do any kind of a ceremony in Griffonia? And what's this about, anyway?”
“No time. I'll tell you on the way.” Twilight tapped a hoof to her chin. “You're right about the ceremony, though. Hm...” Her hoof stopped. She had her answer. “Spike, get Pinkie.”
The End
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I reiterate: you're on fire. I've never seen someone write and publish this much.
Short and to the point. I like it.
What a wimp!
But I like this one too. Keep it up!
An amusing short story. I upvote.
Holy crap, what is it with you and these stories today? Like, what in the actual fuck?
4933396
I've been working on this for a long time.
4933432
4933459
Thanks!
4933434
Aw, give Purplesmart a break. She's been busy.
4933575
I was attempting to claim the entire 'new stories' box. Sadly, I failed.
4933641
I honestly want to see you do that one day, or anyone. I'd find it hilarious. Let's all have a set date and time where no one is allowed to publish new stories but you. That way you'll be able to get the entire box.
More pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
4933709
I would have done it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling
kidsstory approvers.(A depressing percentage (1/4th) failed moderation the first time around.)
4933805
I did 15 stories in one day and still you want more?
Heh, never figured that lot as pranksters, but...they pulled it off. Well done!! :D
Spike rolled his eyes " Do what I & Rarity did, Go to Las Pegasus , What happens in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus!"
Pranks Inc.
Could you do a part two?
4933854 wow
4934026
I like the way this one turned out.
4934182
Aw, but the fictitious law still applies there!
4934204
Don't know what I'd put in it.
Twi goes to Griffonia, gets married, comes home to find it was all a joke.
4934298
4934807
Better idea: Twilight discovers it was prank in the last minute. Then she and Rainbow get the pranksters back with their own revenge prank. Preferably a very elaborate and hilariously humiliating one.
It's Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of something those two cooked up together.
4933854
More proofreaders before publishing.
Drown them bitches in proofreaders.
4935125
Much better idea!
Now the brain-gears are turning!
4935672
Nah... not a lack of proofreaders. Most were failed on technicalities.
Eh... maybe I annoyed the story approvers with my flood.
4935754 Oi, continuation.
Okay seriously four ponies who knew Twilight very well and yet they didn't think she would overreact?
Keep Laughing Celestia, it will be even funnier when The Griffonian ambassador comes knocking.
There must be a follow up. Zod demands it!
4934807
Maybe she and Rainbow get payback, and since Blueb!%ch is involved maybe Rairity can help. Or you know he could just get knocked out by AJ. Both options work. If you couldn't tell I'm not a Blueblood fan.
4936697
Well, they were about to go prevent an overreaction... but when they got to Ponyville, Twilight was already gone.
4936481
Perhaps, perhaps. This is a fun thread to continue, perhaps.
4937032
Maybe, Zod. Maybe.
4937283
Nor is anyone I know.
OK, I see two other possible things Twilight could have done. First of all, she could just ban Blueblood from Ponyville, or have Dash file a restraining order and constantly hang around her. Secondly, she could have married Blueblood and poisoned his wine. I mean, it's not a crime if everyone wants him dead, right?
4937539
Well, yeah, but Twilight isn't that... evil.
4937347
I think you should continue it mainly because I kinda hate the thought of the other royals getting away with this. It seems a bit mean. I very nearly downvoted because of that.
That was mean.
A restraining order against Cadance? Really? No respect at all.
4938046
No, Cadance has a restraining order against Blueblood.
(Due to certain incidents before her marriage.)
4937609
Hm... yeah, you've got a point there.
4937837
All in good fun?
4938175
That's what I meant.
No respect for Blueblood at all.
4938186
For good reason.
Well. Not quite as immediately dramatic as castrating Blueblood or transforming him into a mare (with the most complicated and difficult to unravel spell the magic-talented princess is capable of casting), but funnier. How exactly do Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Shining Armor react when they find out that a third of the Elements of Harmony--most notably Twilight--defected to Griffonia?
But anyways, damn. That is possibly the meanest prank I've seen from a Celestia who wasn't Molestia, evil, or a psychotic prank machine powered by tears. That's the sort of permanently-changes-relationship-with-and-opinion-of-you action that really fucks things over.
That really is something Twilight would have a psychotic breakdown over. There are all sorts of non-violent ways Twilight could use to remove Blueblood from being a candidate, a number of which could be dangerous to bystanders. This is significantly more disastrous than missing a deadline, and a personal tragedy surpassing Tirek--after all, she could actually do something to rescue her friends. There's not actually anything she could do to fight an unchangeable law her mentor, friend, brother, and sister-in-law say can't be changed. And she had already lost enough control of herself that she burnt the floor. Really, going to Griffonia is the least drastic response.
And up until she learned it was just a joke she'd feel both heartbroken and betrayed (although the last might stay around anyways)--and that would take some time, because even after that long she hasn't managed to go through the four thousand pages of the princess manual.
She might have gone to tell Rainbow Dash they couldn't get married, which would... strain... their relationship, and that can't just be reversed by saying "Sorry, I found out it was just a prank!"
This must have a part two.
4938413
Yeah, I think you're right.
4938343
1: You might be taking this a bit too seriously.
2: You make valid points, though.
4937347
No I've got it! How do you think he'd like the moon with lots of mirrors?
4938540
Well, he is pretty fond of mirrors.
4938175 If they'd actually prepared for damage control after-the-fact, maybe. But as it is, that was extremely careless.
4938570 Oh, he would be at first. But then he'd have to watch himself age.
4938570
So give him a few dozen mirrors, then bang zing, right to the moon! Plus now they don't need a restraining order. Though it would be satisfying if someone kicked him in the head. Hmm, meh pain or banished to the moon as long as Blueb!%ch gets his I'm happy.
welp, that was something
Best prank ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally squee'd. TwiDash is one of my favorite ships!
In other affairs, I like this story! It made me laugh a bit and I loved to see Twilight's reaction to the entire thing. Going to Griffonia is a brilliant idea and one of her calmer ones. But how will the princesses react? I wonder if they've learned anything about Twilight taking thing too seriously, like I do sometimes. If they have and did that out of pure amusement, ten bits say Trollestia did it.
And then when they got back and Twilight found out it was a joke, she shoved all three princesses and her brother's horns up their plots.
4938596
4938723
Wow, you really hate that guy...
Lemme guess, a Rarity fan?
4938826
It was.
4939729
I'm sure there was a better one sometime.
4939785
I think you might win that bet. ^.^
4939987
Probably ^.^
I'm sure they'll catch up to her just in time to cancel the Griffish wedding.
4935125
My first thought was that Twilight was going to find some way to legally declare Rainbow Dash a prince (or a princess if that would still work.) If she decides to go the counter-prank route I suppose she still could. I'd love to see the royalty's reactions to that.