Slice141
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention
so how often is this going to be updated? often, or is it a back burner story?
4885909 well I'm already working on the next chap
4886056 it's going along the line of the railgun anime
4885882 thanks this is one of my first crossovers
4886344 lol I take it you like this type of crossover
Let's start with the story summary:
The syntax errors made me wary about going in to read the fic itself, but I gave it a chance as the blobs of words below can attest. As the first example of what to expect from the fic proper, what you've written for the summary is a mess; no different than wearing a uniform or work clothes in a sloppy manner. I really hope that I don't have to explain by-the-numbers what the problems are, aside from the run-on weirdness that happens in the first sentence and the hanging branch that is the second sentence. A comma between (1) and (2) will establish a connection between those two clauses. Please re-word (1) into something more sensible...
As for the fic itself:
It's quite lucky that the "Alternate Universe" tag was used, because I can honestly say this was tough to get through. The lack of details and inexplicably hostile characterizations all around left me scratching my head and barely recognizing any of the characters. Yes, there are the throwaway lines here and there that this "takes place four years after Terik[sic]" but nothing has been satisfactorily written through the narrative or dialogue that lets me suspend my belief and accept the headcanon/version of Equestria you've set up.
The way it's written is very "this happens" then "this happens" then "this happens" without really building things up or creating enough tension to understand why the dragons are a group to be feared, besides the fact, well, that they're dragons. As a reader I want to know about the world you're crafting and see the image that you see in your mind through the descriptions you write. Don't just say "Kirigaoka Girls' Academy" but describe the area it's in and the activity going on when the explosion rocks District 18. Don't just use a parenthetical "You Are Here Now" but tell me interesting things about Twilight's room or the dungeon or the hospital room that Twilight finds herself in later on.
The written word requires you as the writer to tell the reader what to see like a camera showing the scenes for a movie audience. Except you can and should go beyond the visual and into the emotional, contemplative, and psychological.
I'm not at all inspired to wait for the next chapter, or expect Misaka or any other FiM/Railgun characters that will appear to feel believable. Good luck with writing and I hope you can take this honest critique to heart.
i want to see what level esper twilight is
maybe a level 6?
What is this a crossover of?
4887207 Do you hate it when somebody never responds to your comment too?
You had my interest. I'm not familiar with the series you are crossing over with, but I was willing to give it a try. I'm even willing to blow over the 'Twilight flees for contrivance' opening. But you then tell us nothing about the series in question. I can understand not explaining MLP details as this is an MLP fansite, but when you do a crossover you have to assume that your target audiance will not be familiar with what you are crossing over with and write from there. A person might find their way to a crossover fom either fandom with no knowledge of the other, so you have to account for that. Since you are on FiMfiction instead of fanfiction you eliminate the need to explain one of the fandoms, but not the other.
A crossover with A Certain Scientific Railgun / A Certain Magical Index!? AND it's made by Slice!?
Instant like and fav!
4887508 no since that is academy city's goal in creating one I'll explain later
4887733 ok this is my first real crossover I forgot I'll be sure to explain things more in the next chap
4887207 this is post Tirek arc and four years after I'll explain more in the next chap.
I know that Tia would never really toss twi away like that and and even though twi is devoted to her I doubt she would become a slave to please the nobles and a ambassador that has it out for her. (Will explain later.)
As for star swirl I'll fix that never ment to confuse people. As for her being a kid that is one of the side affects yes
As fir the explanation of espers that is in the beginning of chap2
I'll try to explain more on things. And make sure to cover up any more holes in the future
4887696 a certain scientific railgun
4888506 of course
4888509 This story will have that guy who controls vectors in it right?
I really need to watch the anime...
4888831 yes it will, this story will mostly be focusing on the science side while there are a few showing of Touma and Index from the magic side of the story.
4888861 Ok, what was that guys name? Really need to watch it...
4888862 accelerator
I want more also I don't need to watch the bloody show this fic is too good
4888991 Thanks
4889058
This gonna b good
will we see anything equestria again?
4889651 yes
the very phrase "A Certain Magical" makes my mind yell "READ THAT INISTANTLY YOU GIT!!!"
...and that moment when you half want to try and get that shameless semi sellf insert lvl 4/5 OC...but know you wont
4890131 lol glad you like it. I should have the next chap up in a few hours so keep a look out.
Given how Celestia and Luna are acting in this I cannot suspend my disbelief anymore.
They are far too OOC.
This leads me to think they are either changlings, being mind controlled, or just plain high on drugs.
4890987 Subbed, for the love of God, subbed. The dub is probably the most cringe-worthy thing I have ever heard.
4891034 with sub and dub i find them about the same
4890987 I don't like reading while watching tv. I go with dubbed. The only subbed show I ever watched was girls und panzer
Wait, if twilight is number one, then where is accelerator and the dark matter guy in this?
4891146 he's number 2 I would actually say he and twi are tied for the number one position
4891146 who's the dark matter guy?
Reminds me of a project I tried to start some years ago , whit accelerator visiting equestrian. unfortunately it didn't fly proper for the following reasons.
but it was painful. while the to aru-verse is vast and interesting the writing of most of the novel doesn't really translates all that well (I love bakatsuki whit the passion of a thousand suns but they suck on all languages).
*So far I only know the canon showed in the anime and the alternate works. I tried to read the novels really
*Well I didn't rely know what to do whit that story. sure I could have made accelerator go full OP on the mlp verse, but for sure kill guardians the elements of harmony and derivates do just fine.the thing is was whit a lot of uncertainties on how to handle accelerator's character, how does he needs to develop and all that fancy shit.
Anyways I wish you luck whit your endeavors, but I don't think I will be able to fallow. While I can feel the hearth of what you are doing sir, it is a hearth filled whit cheese and awkward dialogues, such which my liver can not take on at my stage of life.
keep writing please, never give up.
4891157 http://toarumajutsunoindex.wikia.com/wiki/Kakine_Teitoku
this is the dark matter guy
4893017
I'm going off the manga here, so to each their own.
4892673 ah I don't know the number two. I never did read the manga
i'm loving this! it's even better since i actually know some of the story for the original series!
I don't know anything about whats going on, and I couldn't care less, because you make it awesome Slice!
yeah next to twilight there magic is nothing i mean she was a alicorn before coming here
*twitches from the epic and starts wondering if the lvl 6 shift arc will show up*
4896028 yes it will, twi will be flip flopping between science and magic
4895872
thanks
so how complete is the complete regeneration?
4901334 uhhhhhhhhh I think full-body?
4901405 yes
4901414 so is there anything that can truly kill her then?