First Encounter
First Encounter
A world with its familiar round shape, its color is far from it's original blue hue. Its surface decimated of its natural resources, its waters once pure, is no longer recognized by the world above it. Pollution, that once brought an onslaught of disease, famine and sterilization, continues to cover every inch of the world we once knew as home. Although wars cease to exist, all that is left, in this fabricated peace is corruption lead by greed. They once asked, what happen, to the world we once knew? A world we once loved? A world we thought, would never get to the point of it's own demise? Those questions can be answered my friends. In all this decay, what this world needs is "AQUA PURE" now in a convenient small size, it will last twice as long, for half of its doubled price, of its doubled priced predecessor. "GET AQUA PURE NOW!" and receive our flavor enhancers. You can get it in-. The radio playing an advertisement of the Sombra industries prized product shakes awake a groggy mare, from her not so happy dream. Drenched from cold sweat, she picks herself up and walks to the mirror to see that the bed had massacred her mane. Putting her head down in the water, she lifts her head to look at the mirror in fright, to see a mare she once knew. Their eyes gouged out blood dripping from their head chanting "never for..get, never forget, never for...get.....Twilight" She splashed cold water on her face to wake her from what she just witnessed, panting she wiped her eyes with a towel she grabbed from the side of the sink in hopes the figure disappeared. Thankfully it did although that image will never go away she is relived that it did.
The radio is now playing a mellow jazz melody, is accompanied by a wisping sound of the mail chute and the bubbling sound of the fresh pot of barley coffee. Twilight grabs a mug and pours the coffee in the stained cup. The shutters open to reveal what the world has become, she grabs the mail and sits next to the wide window. Putting the mug down Twilight open the only letter she received, a one week notice before the rent is due and she is evicted. She sighs and takes a big gulp of her coffee, only to put it down again as the phone starts to ring next to her. She looks at the caller id its a friend she new for a long time. She sighs again and puts the micro ear receiver in her ear.
"Twilight listen you have to come in we are backed up" Its a mare voice.
"But don't you have enough staff as it is you don't need me to come in besides its my day off" Twilight responds.
"No Twilie the top is laying off almost all of us, it's chaos"
"WHAT! OK OK I'm coming in"
"Great and do you know that stallion you had your eyes on? Well just this morning he-" Twilight hangs up before her friend can finish.
The last thing she needs on her mind, is the one stallion that never notices her. Not with the new layoffs, it's gonna put her even more behind in work. she quickly grabs her blue hooded cape, begin to walk to her door before taking the last sip of her coffee locks the door and runs to the nearest hover bus. Outside of the smog laden atmosphere in space, the one mare that matters calls a conference to order.
"Generals, Scientist and Guest, we have a very urgent matter that needs our complete 100% attention. This is our guest Father Spike, listen to what he has to say. It involves the new opposing threat of our home world. Father Spike would you please." Spike gets up on a stepping stool to address the now attentive crew.
"Um thank you President Applejack, no time to doddle, let me get right to it. Yesterday afternoon your outer satellites the ones past the furthest planet in our solar system. Picked up a rather unique signal, a signal that has not been heard from since, centuries ago. As you know of my religion and what my beliefs are, some of you call me a cold heretic, of cult nature. But I will tell you, that now what has been prophesied, those centuries or even eons ago, is now coming to light." As Spike takes a breather, the onlookers look puzzled and even worried as to why the President, would call a cult leader to come waste their time.
" Well what is it Spike?" The president breaks the silence.
"Oh sorry, right then, we have one common enemy and when I mean WE, I mean the whole galaxy and then some. It's on our door step ringing the bell or signal, as it would seem. I implore you, please DO NOT fight the great evil or it will destroy us all."
"Hah! What great evil? We have the best modern defense system." Says one general
"Your defense system, is but a mere ant compared to its power."Spike tries to reassure his firm stand against attacking the great evil.
"I'm going to have to agree with my general, Father we will use the defense system, it has never failed us before." The president replied.
"But, but you can not defeat it only the pure one can" Spike replies getting on top of the table.
"Father Spike! Behave yourself and where is this pure one you speak of?" President angered now at the disrespectful scene.
"Its the Mondoshawans, their ship just gained access. I am suppose to meet them soon." spike calms down and jumps off of the table
"Mondoshawans! That's regrettable then" one of the other generals chimed in
"What...what happened?" spike fearing for the worst
The general continued "As you know we have a major pirate problem. Well I'm sorry to say the ship belonging to the Mondoshawans was, shot down on the nearest planet from here." Hearing the shocking news Spike lost his balance and fell on his knees, and hands.
"Was there anything in the wreckage recovered? Any stones or gems?"
"No nothing like that but." one of the scientists speaks up "There was wings two of them was the only thing that survived but mabey we can-"
"I see where your going with this and make it so, time is of the essence." the president orders the conference to convene and Spike returns home devastated of the news.
"Ugh, that was way to much work to do just by myself." The now sullen Twilight, enters her apartment to look at the dismal state she left it in, out of being hurried to work, and the felling that she would be able to save the day. "Well, at least I manage to put a dent in the paper work" reassuring herself twilight tidied up her apartment. But what came next finally broke the remanding straw, she held on to so dearly. The straw, that one held on belief, of still having a job, as a pink note arrived in her mail chute. She could not believe the sight of seeing the one thing she feared, after she put in so many hours, dedicated so many days. If she ever had a life of her own it was her work life. She never went on any vacations, never any dates, she didn't even call in sick. If she was sick, she was still at work and the thought, that she was known as the most dedicated. Even employee of the months, 5 years straight as to be the one to be fired "laid-off" insulted her in more ways then one and that one was the final blow. Now Twilight's world was shaken to the point of relief. A smile adorned her muzzle a smile that had more meaning behind it exterior. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Somepony was at the door of who they think would be a push over some pony they think they can do harm by robbing the resident of the apartment 281. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Twilight who has now been pushed over the edge surprisingly walks calmly to the door to look out of the peep hole. No one there, now her smile turns into an apathetic expression. Hesitant on opening the door, Twilight brace herself for whatever is about to come, she open the door. Low and behold some pony of the 'bagged personal hygiene variety' that Twilight recognized as her wanna be gangster thug neighbor from next door. Is holding a gun up to her face in an attempt to rob her of her precious valuables or what the tattooed, pierced hoodlum thinks she has.
"Give me your shit or I blow your brains out!" the hoodrat exclaims
"Sigh well you picked a vary lousy time to try to rob me" Twilight sighs shaking her head
"Lousy huh? maybe for you that is. Now back up so that I can rob you!" Now the would be thief is shaken from the fear that it might not go as planned. Twilight moves in for a closer glance at the make shift gun only to realize that it isn't loaded.
" OK OK how about I do this for you let me get what you obviously came here for" Twilight calms the thug down.
"Oh finally wising up huh" the robber now relieved looks on as twilight moves towards the button on the wall.Twilight smashes the button on the wall and what comes out of it left the thief in udder disbelief. A small armory built into the wall of guns, ammunition, bombs, rocket launcher and even a small hand cannon (cause you know "Bitches Love Cannons"). Twilight grabs the nearest box of bullets needed for the gun that the would be thief holds.
"Wha...what the fuck lady!" the thief falls on the floor and wonders whether it was the right move to rob Twilight
"Here is the bullets you need for that gun" Twilight smiles as the thief try to grab the box when, twilight puts a gun to his head.
"OK OK OK!" the thief relieves himself out of fright
"Now What did we learn?" Twilight presses the gun further
"n..n..not..t..t..to..m..m..mess..w..w-"
"Not to mess with Ms. Sparkle"
"Ms. Sparkle r r right" The thief now picks himself up only to drop his gun and run off towards the elevators, screaming his head off. Picking up the gun and throwing it in the recycle guns bin, Twilight closes the door and hops into bed with her favorite book.
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im not quite finishe this is a ruff draft but i will be done soon
Not sure if legit considering so many spelling and grammatical errors.
4879254 You're posting this draft to a site where everyone can see it. Take some time to fix errors and be proud of it.
E:
AQUA PURE! GET YOUR AQUA PURE NOW TO CLEANSE YOURSELF FROM THIS HORRIBLE MESS!
This is an old fanfic. Why has this been added to my group so early?
4965112 My comment was posted 5 seconds earlier so tough luck.
E: 5 seconds and a bit. I dunno, this story killed my brain and thus my basic math skills.
4965125
Oh so he wrote it the 20th but it got accepted today?
"Fic sighted sir."
"Really? Well time to test this sucker out, fire when ready."
"Yessir. FIRE!!!"
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ea/BB61_USS_Iowa_BB61_broadside_USN.jpg
4965152
It's requested, not attack.
4965159
Well that doesn't mean you have to. I want to anyway.
Or we could just attack it.
Pwese?
4965165
Not until it's over 20 likes 0 dislikes.
Then we attack.
4965170
THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Can't we just attack? I want to do something fun today.
4965175
We're going to play on Xbox, that'll be exciting.
4965194
growingbutterfly.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/minion.jpg
I ain't g0t no idea what ur talking bout m8.
To quote Yuriofwind "What the fuck did I just read?" I'm serious, what the fuck is this? What is the plot, the motivation of the characters. Hell we're not even invested in the characters in the first place. And author, do you know what the word pacing is, because there's none. No time to get invested in the scenes if even for a little while. I think my brain died a little inside reading this, no offense
...there are ALREADY six Elements. Which of them is sixth?
4965152
Filthy casual, that pic doesn't show Iowa's good side.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2e/Uss_iowa_bb-61_pr.jpg/1024px-Uss_iowa_bb-61_pr.jpg
Look at those explosions!
4965311
I saw that one, I didn't choose it from the low grade explosions.
4965321
Bruh, that be heresy you talkin'.
4965328
There's plenty of other explosions to detonate on this fic.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080321033750/uncyclopedia/images/archive/1/13/20080925131238!Explosion.jpg
Oh how clever. You took the plot to "The Fifth Element" and decided to make it about ponies.
There's one thing you forgot however. While the movie is a great example of style over substance, it's still incredibly entertaining and quite possibly one of my favorite movies. This story? Not so much.
You lied to me.
4965686
More like, he took the plot and a list of MLP character names, fed them both into a paper shredder, scattered the shredded bits all over the floor, then grabbed up a few fistfuls and glued them back together at random. There's no real attempt to actually map the My Little Pony cast into character-appropriate roles for their Fifth Element counterparts, and the "plot" just staggers randomly from one scene to another without any logical progression at all.
Not to mention, the spelling and grammar is atrocious. Run-on sentences, incorrectly-punctuated dialogue, random switching between past and present-tense verbs, names sometimes capitalized and sometimes not, inability to tell the difference between the possessive "its" and the contraction "it's"... and, of course, the ever-popular "telling" everything to the reader instead of "showing."
4879254
Here's a tip, love. When an author feels the need to tell us, in your story description, how great you think your story is, it's an instant turn-off to the readership, and you've already set yourself up for failure. Even if the story itself was any good -- which this most certainly is not, by any stretch -- putting this in your story description will rub prospective readers the wrong way and prime them to dislike it.
4966054
I'll be honest and I just started skimming after a while. I saw the Mondoshawans, Twilight acting a little like Bruce Willis, the "evil" moving towards Equestria and the whole guy holding Twilight up before she steals his gun.
After that I pretty much ignored anything after.
4967144
Same here, really. But the problems are glaringly obvious even just by skimming through it; bad grammar, dodgy spelling, incoherent plot structure, and none of the MLP characters are mapped into appropriate roles. (I could see Rainbow Dash working in the role of Korben Dallas, but Twilight? Hardly. If anything, she'd be Leeloo, the naive, innocent "sixth element" that activates the other five through the power of
lovefriendship.)And yeah, bringing in the Mondoshawans as-is just confirms the lack of creativity or story logic. Why not use one of Equestria's established non-pony species, like the zebras or the minotaurs?
4965170
The time has come.
4967217
I can see a couple characters lining up, as you said Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle standing in for Corbin Dallas and Leeloo. But what of the others?
The only two that really come to mind could be Pinkie Pie as Ruby Rhod and possibly Fluttershy as Vito Cornelius. Maybe Gilda as Zorg and the Mangalores being played by minotaurs.
But what about Rarity, Applejack and Spike?
4967467
4967471
4965108
4965175
ATTACK!
4967485
(Of course, that'd require some rewriting so that she doesn't get killed -- but there's nothing that says every plot element in a crossover has to play out exactly the same way as the original.) Spike could be David (Vito Cornelius' acolyte), if you swapped out David's twitchy nervousness for Spike's penchant for snarky comments, and Applejack... hm. For some reason, the idea of her as General Munro amuses me, but it'd take some work to justify it in-story, not to mention quite a bit of rewriting events towards the ending to place her in the temple along with the others to help set off the Friendship Cannon.
Rarity would be the Diva, naturally.
Gilda as Zorg? Nah. Diamond Tiara would be Zorg.
4965266
You know...
The SECOND sixth....
Painfully obvious ripoff is painfully obvious.
I don't even know what to say about this one except that IF the author ever decides to continue work on it, I won't be reading it.
>>ShadowblazeCR
Bitches, please.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/cc/d4/c1/ccd4c1d2dfa2e7447566d472bdde5e98.jpg
Congratulations, I went looking for the worst rated story on fimfiction and it's this one! In my opinion it still needs more down votes. I also got a laugh out of their being only one like, obviously coming from the author.