2- The Kingdom
Chapter 2- The Kingdom
“We’re approaching our destination, sir.” Nova and Blue slowed down, preparing to descend past the cloud layer.
“Finally…” I sighed as magic encased us, allowing us to break through the clouds. A city came into view, a bit odd. It looked like everything was built with building blocks- the kind that foals would play with. “What odd architecture.” I mused, my interest temporarily overriding my fear of heights.
“Yeah, but it looks kind of funny.” Nova chuckled, heading to the largest building- the palace. I looked over the side, seeing many ponies roaming down below. One thing that struck me as a bit odd was that there were significantly more foals, colts, and fillies than stallions and mares.
The palace was towering, with a thick carpet leading up the stairs to the front doors. The carpet had yet another foalish design, with letters printed all over it. The carriage descended and landed to the side, Nova unbuckling himself and opening my door before I could protest. “Here we are, sir. So you’re staying here for a week?”
“That’s the plan, yes.” I answered, getting out and looking around. “Thanks for the ride, guys, I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”
“Have fun, sir.” Blue and Nova saluted, which I returned.
“Yeah, fun.” I muttered, rolling my eyes once they had taken to the skies again. I heard the sound of hoofsteps and turned to see two young Pegasi colts walking towards me, plastic shortswords sheathed in belts of their play-armor. Both were a very light grey with pale blue manes.
“Hi! You must be from Canterlot!” one said. “Equestria, right?”
“Right.” I answered, a little amused at the two colts playing dress-up. “Listen, I’m looking for Princess Glitter Star, I was sent here to meet her.”
“We’ll take you to her.” The other colt nodded.
“Er… Listen… boys, as much as I appreciate it, I’d prefer being escorted by her Guards.” I answered. I didn’t really have the time to play imagine with the colts.
“Excuse me,” the first colt sounded offended. “But we are her guards.”
I sighed. “Boys, I don’t have the time for games, please, I just need to know where her guards are.”
The second colt opened his mouth, looking angry, but stopped as I heard a voice behind me.
“Nimbus? Cirrus? What are you two doing?” a Pegasi mare, with a light blue body and darker blue mane trotted up. Her voice was gentle and sweet, and she had an odd, calming aura around her. “Why are you bothering the nice stallion?”
“Sorry, Mom. But he said he wanted to talk to the Princess’s Guards.” I now noticed his name on his guard cloak, Nimbus. He gave me an odd smirk as he and his brother trotted to the mare. I swore I could have seen a sly smile on her face, but it was gone so fast, I could have imagined it.
“Oh, I can take you there, dear.” She gave me a gentle smile. “My name is Frost Wind, by the way.” She extended her hoof.
“Dusk Shadow. Nice to meet you.” I said politely, taking her hoof and shaking it. I did not enjoy social interactions, but I had a substantial amount of social skills gained strictly through observation.
“Oh, aren’t you polite.” She kept her friendly smile up. “Come with me.” She turned and headed up the stairs. I followed close behind her as she looked back at me. “May I ask what happened to your wing, dear?”
“Er… just call me Dusk.” I answered awkwardly. “And… it’s a long story.” I realized too late that I had forgotten to put my cloak back on, and had left it in the carriage. I had taken it off momentarily at the rest stop, and hadn’t bothered to wear it again.
“Oh, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s all right.” She reached the doors and knocked.
“So you can just walk in? Are you a friend of the Princess?” I asked, walking up by her side.
“You could say that. I’m a member of her Council.” Frost answered, as I heard hoofsteps. The doors opened quietly, two stallions in guard armor opening the doors with their Unicorn magic. They bowed us in politely as Frost led me past them. More groups of colts in guard armor with the same play-swords walked around, some groups of fillies, too. A few even giggled amongst themselves as they saw me. I brushed off this oddity, not thinking much of it.
The hallway was lined with unusual art that looked like hoof-painting and crayon scribbles. There was even a giant statue of a mother and foal adorning a central fountain, which distracted me for some time. There was something strange about that fountain for sure.
“Dear? Dusk?” I turned to see Frost looking over at me with worry. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah, it’s nothing.” I glanced back at the fountain one last time as I hurried after her to catch up.
“How do you like the castle?” she asked as I fell into line behind her two colts. “The décor? Design?”
“It’s interesting, that’s for sure.” I answered, looking at the colorful bricks. I looked over at a sculpture of a pacifier. My instincts were screaming at me, but it wasn’t a dangerous feel. It just felt… off.
“Hmm, that’s a common thing our visitors say.” Frost and her colts giggled, as we turned down another hallway. This one had a carpet with teddy bears as a pattern, and felt rather nice and soft beneath my hooves.
“Morning, Frost.” A brown Earth Pony with a short white mane saluted Frost. His armor was metal, and his blade genuine. “Who’s this?” he looked over at me.
“This is Dusk Shadow. The Princess’s special Guest.” Frost answered.
“Ah.” He gave the same odd smile that the colts gave me. “I’m sure he’ll have fun here.”
“Of course, the Princess will make sure of that.” She chuckled. “Nimbus, Cirrus, you two go run off and play now, I’ll take Dusk from here.”
“Okay, Mom.” They galloped off back down the hallway.
“See you.” The guard pony saluted Frost once again before going back to his patrolling.
We walked in silence for some time down the hallway, before coming to a set of doors. The bright pink doors felt like they belonged in a nursery, but at any rate, worked well with the rest of the castle’s foalish design. “Here we are, sweetie.” She smiled at me, pushing open the doors.
I blinked a little in surprise at the name, feeling a little embarrassed at it. I brushed a bit of my mane back to cover my embarrassment, following her through the doors.
“Princess, I’ve brought your guest.” She bowed down, as I looked up at the throne. I did not expect to see what I did.
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I didn't read it. I'm just here for the disclaimer.
>PTSD
I mean. I see this a lot. I'm a military vet, and seeing civilians claim to have PTSD. I can kind of understand it, I guess. Maybe something upsets you or makes you slightly uncomfortable. I can feel that. I really can.
But that's just being removed from your comfort zone.
I know guys that have been shot at, that have had their limbs blown off, and have been thrown on the streets by their families, because they were too broken to do anything.
I've seen guys that have made it out of warzones with nothing but a minor back injury, that absolutely lose their shit at fireworks.
I've seen grown ass men, bulky as fuck, wake up every morning and cry like little girls because of what they've had to do.
I wasn't in long. I don't know what they went through. I don't know what they're going through. But I know it's so much worse than being a little removed from your comfort zone.
Sure, if you really feel like your discomfort is on the level of having to live with killing people that were fighting for the same exact thing you were, just one a different side, keep that belief.
But it's wrong.
4883372
I've been diagnosed with it -.- It's not a title I gave myself.
4883378
Doctors can diagnose you with whatever they/you want. I'm just saying.
Mild discomfort doesn't compare to what those guys have to go through on a daily basis.
Most of them are homeless, have nothing, can't get anything, and can't even make a living because they're "unwanted" due to their condition.
4883385
Mild discomfort? So daily beatings from my parents and people at school, having to run away from home because my parents were being violent to that point, being homeless for two months, and being rejected by everyone except my roleplay family is 'mild discomfort'? Okay, believe what you want.
4883395
The fact that you just said roleplay family makes me really wonder why people beat you.
But yes, that is mild discomfort compared to being shot at, shooting people, killing people, having to shit in a small hole with nothing but two slats of wood placed over it, and eating what essentially boils down to dog food three times a day, every day.
4883414
You're a fucking idiot. Just because you're military and went through trauma doesn't fucking mean you're better than everyone else. Not everyone is as fucking strong as you, you haven't been through what he is, and calling it mild discomfort is just rude and fucking ignorant.
4883423
Please stop
4883423
Have you ever shot and killed a man, and woke up every night after night terrors of his family begging you not to do it
Have you ever stared down the barrel of your freshly polished weapon, just thinking "maybe this will make it better."
Have you ever woken up at three in the morning just to dismantle that thing, clean it obsessively, and put it back together, just so you know it'd make a clean shot?
Do you fucking know what it's like to have blood on your hands that you can't clean off, no matter how hard you fucking try?
You don't fucking know hell, and neither does this kid.
4883438 Dude, I'm not going to say soldiers don't go through a lot but that doesn't mean that they ware the only ones that can get PTSD. It's POST TRAUMATIC STRESS. Traumatic Stress is not something that's only found in the army.
4883438
You're a fucking twat, you're acting like the world fucking owes you something for what you went through. The world owes nobody anything.
You have no right to tell others that they can't be depressed because they didn't go through what you did.
4883448
Stop, both of you, please.
4883438
*insert US Army/Navy whatever that copypasta is here*
I swear, Nuke must have invented that copypasta, only he was being serious when he wrote it.
4883448
I didn't say shit about him being depressed. Big fucking deal if he's sad. It's this bullshit labeling everyone and their mother with PTSD because they went through a little bit of shit in their lives.
The world doesn't owe me fucking shit, because I chose to do what I did. That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying, this tumblrite self-diagnosing and mis-diagnosing BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS is absolutely fucking bullshit.
You're taking weight away from what it actually is. People suffering from not being able to functional at all under normal circumstance because of a traumatic experience that actually hinders them to the point of shutting down and reacting wrong.
4883447
You don't get PTSD from being bullied or being beaten. That's called being a little bitch and not beating the shit out of them back.
4883471
Annnd... reported.
4883478
Are you triggered? Is your "PTSD" kicking in?
Look 'Nuke', i know this guy, i know what he says in true! so you can be a troll, or whatever your doing but you can just get out of here! go do it somewere else!
4883482
That's some whiteknight bullshit, but I can respect it because you aren't being a major asshat about it.
By the way, the story's too thin and needs more descriptors for certain parts.
Disregarding the abhorrent fetish and lack of actual character/world building outside of the bio's, of course.
4883490
So you knew you would hate the OC/Writer/Story, and still decided to come.
And Meeester wonders why I needed so many disclaimers.
4883495
He actually asked you about the disclaimers?
4883497
Well, he was more wondering why I had more disclaimers than story description. It's reasons like this, why.
4883490 yea ive already reported you
4883495
Woah, absolutely not. How dare you accuse me of coming in with a pre-emptive decision on the OC/writer/story.
I run through all of the new releases every now and then and read through them, but the PTSD shit set me off.
Just because I don't like something, doesn't mean I'm not going to read it. Granted, this actually needs a lot of work.
A lot of work.
World-building, character-building, character-interaction-building. You have to get people to care deeply about the characters and the world they're in before you go into the smut and degeneration.
If I want a quick wank to whatever, I'll go to pornhub or some shit.
I read books and literature to feel for characters, and to learn about them.
This story doesn't teach me anything literative.
4883503
Lol, according to his profile, you're a terrible writer for diapers, and a lazy one for character sheets XD
4883506
Big fucking deal.
4883503
If you don't want to get shit on, don't make stupid shit public.
4883508
Why the buck do you think it's labeled 'random', Nuke? It's not meant to make sense...
4883510
Yup. He has his opinions, I have mine.
4883519
Just because it's random, doesn't mean you can't make it into something deep.
It's called being a good writer.
4883522
It's called 'not being an elitist a-hole'.
Ever hear of it? Nah, I didn't think so.
4883526
So you want your story to have zero depth, and be smut for smut's sake?
You want to have absolutely no aspirations for greatness, and want to settle for low-brow shit?
What a time to be alive.
4883535
You're a fucking hypocrite on so many levels, I'm finished with you.
4883535 No you bucking hay kicker, he wants to write and have fun doing it, not have people like you ruin it for him! now get lost!
4883541
>Telling someone their story could be better with more depth, description, and building
>Hypocrite
Granted, I shit on him for his "PTSD."
That doesn't mean I can't be constructive with criticism towards the actual story.
Is this what "Love and tolerance" is now? You can't shit on someone for being pants-on-head retarded, and then give legitimate feedback?
Fucking neat.
4883558
Nuke, two things.
1. Thank you for your service. :)
2. Fuck. You.
4883589 I fucking love you right now
Why am I not surprised to find this mess happening in the comments...
4883623
Oh, hi Meeester. Sorry for the trouble :/
4883623 cause Nuke is a troll
It's an interesting start and curious topic, but I personally feel there are a few aspects you could add on little by little to amplify the story as a whole.
Firstly, your main character. As the old saying goes "no one knows you better then you." Which is one reason why characters who represent the author requires careful explanation. The audience, as you can very well assume, is not you, therefore require a bit of explanation for them to understand who your character is. There are alot of things the author might overlook when writing about a character doing something, because they are them. Explaining motives and reasons come second nature to an author's character. The audience does not know that. Take your time developing the character in the stories rather then the author's note. It just flows better this way.
Which brings me to my second point, your author's note. It's a thick juicey steak of facts and back story that seems a bit over saturated with too many facts crammed into a small space. Why not take that backstory and transplant it to another story, a prequel to this one, if you will. You can develop a small origin story for your alicorn prince. Water down the facts with some details, some emotion, some STORYTELLING. This will help the audience understand why you picked what you picked when you developed this character. Above all else, it avoids the dreaded 'special snowflake syndrome'.
The story itself felt a little...Rushed. The pacing was rather quick and it seemed like you were rushing to get to specific point in time and be done with the steps in between. Take your time with your story telling. If you want people to care (or in a villian's sense hate) about a character, then give them reason. Give them details, visuals, smells, textures.
Lastly, after only a quick glance at your comment section, I urge you, 'please don't feed the trolls'. You can make some people happy some of the time, but you can't make everyone happy every time. Don't try to argue why your personal character, which since it's a reflection of you is obviously dear to you, is justified to being an alicorn and having the dark past and all that stuff. Convince them with the written word of storytelling, ease them into believing that this character is not just an overpowered god character who is never in any peril because they're so overpowered.
I hope you take my advice well and learn from it however you can.
4883702
THIS is the constructive criticism I was looking for. THIS is what helps me improve my writing.
I do have a backstory for Dusk Shadow in the works, but for reasons like this.... I was afraid to release any of it.
You really have a lot of good advice, I greatly appreciate the time you took to review it. I will fix things up in my later chapters, so I hope you can continue to suggest improvements as time goes one.
Thank you.
It still feels a bit light, but it got me wanting more.
4883535
So, you would be the one reading an entire poem about venoms and its remedies, IN VERSES, just because it's not lowbrow, unlike "The Eneid"?
Guys, if someone's trolling the comments of a story and trying to start stuff, it's better to ignore and perhaps block the person than egg them on, personally insult them right back, and then file 30 reports about it. Now I come here to investigate and I just see a bunch of people yelling at each other and I can't really lay the blame at any one person's feet because just about every single person commenting here has contributed.
How about you guys just calm down, take a deep breath, and stop letting people get under your skin so easily? If someone comments on your story in an offensive manner and you want them to go away, block them. If they say anything seriously offensive, like if they start making death threats or personally attacking everyone in the thread, then file a report for that. Also report people for spamming a bunch of comments all at once, first posting, or blatantly advertising a story of their own, for example. Please don't allow the person in question to successfully create a flame war, say all kinds of offensive stuff yourselves, and then expect me to come in and banhammer the evil nasty troll into submission. That's not how this works.
4883423 I don't see how you could make a comment like this and then, with a straight face, report the guy for attacking you. Your comments are the most worthy of mod action on this thread.
A block button exists, guys. Please use it.
Interesting idea but I suggest removing the author's note and making an actual story of your OC's backstory.
Also, the prose is kind of rough. Try finding an editor.
4884519
Hmm? Rough prose? Could you please clarify?
I'm an English Major, so I certainly hope I'm not making writing mistakes...
Ah... trolls... lovely...
Don't worry, they're only helping you get to the 'popular' list.
this is a little different so far.
Chapter 3 is being worked on now. Last update for this fanfiction for 2-3 days, will be working on my other, older fics.
Please provide feedback!
Backstory to DuskShadow still in the works.
I've favorited this because I want to see where it's going. You've created a detailed setting and introduced it in a way that makes us curious and engaged. That's good, and it's enough to ensure that I'm going to keep reading.
However, I have a couple of concerns/criticism points that I wanted to air:
- The first chapter of a story should cleanly lay out who the characters are, what the stakes are, and what event sent things into motion. And while the first chapter does establish Dusk and his weariness, this story isn't just about Dusk, it's about the mysterious kingdom too, and the first chapter should reflect that. I have a suggested way to address this, but it ties in with my next comment too:
- A lot of the first chapter isn't necessary. Knowing exactly how much detail and how many words should be given to each scene is always tricky, even for experienced writers, but the goal is to make every word matter to the reader, so if something can be condensed without losing important details being lost, it should. I get the feeling that you imagined the first chapter in your head like a movie and wrote what you saw, which is great for cinematic scenes. But when writing a story, you have a tool that movies don't have: the power of exposition, and you can make the most of it. Most of the details of the first chapter aren't nearly as important as the meat of it: Luna thinks Dusk is stressed and sends him as an ambassador to a mysterious kingdom with a childlike presence. The second chapter is better, because its just as detailed, but these are important details that begin to explore the strange kingdom and its people.
These two problems actually have the same solution, but it's not going to be one that's easy to hear: You can cut the first chapter entirely. I know you put your heart into writing it, and writing it was still a good exercise if it helped you as the author understand the characters and plot, but I think it's the wrong place to start the story. You can start with the second chapter and weave the important details from the first chapter into it as exposition. Dusk has plenty of time to go over in his head why he was sent to the kingdom as he's being led around.
My final criticism has to do with the cliffhanger at the end of chapter two. Cliffhangers are a great way to get your reader wanting more, but there's a golden rule to follow with them:
A cliffhanger should create curiosity by revealing information, and never by hiding information.
In this case, Dusk notices something about the princess, but you what it is a secret until the next chapter. This is an easy way to create short-term curiosity in the reader, but it comes with the risk of disappointing the reader when they finally figure out what it is. At worst, a jaded reader could preemptively decide that it's going to be a letdown, because if you thought hiding the twist was more exciting than showing it to us, that means we're going to be less excited once we figure out what it is.
Instead, you could reveal what's interesting about the princess and then end the chapter. If the twist is interesting enough, it will still set readers' imaginations spinning. They'll be excited because of how much you've shown them instead of in spite of it, and so there's no risk of disappointing them.
These are just my observations, built from my experience with writing. I'm by no means an expert, and I'm not trying to hammer into you that my way is the best way to write, because there is no best way to write. Defying convention has always been the writer's best tool. But writers should break ground because they make the decision to; it should come out of awareness. So you're free to decide against my advice, but the important part is that you at least understand where I'm coming from. The rest is up to you.
OOOOO...... A CLIFF HANGER
I assume the fountain is a foutain of youth, but I'm just guessing