Checking Up
Down with a Cold
[/hr]
Applejack reeled her rear legs back at the tree, bucked the bark of the tree as apples toppled down from the branches into a basket. “That is what Ah’m talkin’ about, yee-haw!” She came to a complete halt as the dark clouds rolled in and the booming sound of thunder startled her, the downpour of rain completely soaked her mane and coat.
“Ah can’t believe this. Achoo!” Applejack’s nostrils started to tickle with her head tilted back, she sneezed a small, thin rope of mucus out of her nose. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me, Ah can’t be sick today!” She rushed into the farmhouse and slammed the door behind her.
She raced up the stairs to her room, leaving behind a trail of mud on her way into the room. Closing the door behind her, the door creaked against the wooden floorboards as the young farmer grabbed some tissues from her nightstand, blew her nose into the tissues, and a fresh coat of mucus spread across the tissues.
“It’s a good thing that Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom are selling apples in Trottingham,” she wiped the sweat off her brow, relieved that she wouldn’t get her family sick.
[/hr]
Rarity trotted through the Sweet Apple Acres orchard, holding up an umbrella to shield her lavish mane from getting drenched. “I hope that Applejack is alright, usually she would be getting up at the crack of dawn to work. Though we have our differences, I should at least check on her.”
Her hoof knocked against the hard wood of the door, “Applejack?” She knocked again, but still no answer. The door glowed in her blue aura as she opened the door, walking into the farmhouse with the door closing behind her while Rarity made sure that she didn’t cause a ruckus to wake her friend up.
The seamstress walked up the stairs and down the hallway to locate Applejack’s room in the set of doors that were left closed, only one door remained open. She pressed her ear against the wall outside of Applejack’s room, hearing the sound of sneezing and wheezing caused her to walk into the room.
“Applejack, darling. I hope that you’re feeling okay,” Rarity looked down at the used tissues that riddled the floor in the room, and she scrunched her nose at the sight of mucus-covered tissues covering Applejack’s bed sheets.
“Ah’m fine, Rarity.” The end of Applejack’s ponytail was still tied while the rest of her mane was still unkempt from moving around in bed, trying to at least get a lick of shuteye. “Just comin’ down with a lil’ cold, that’s all.
Mucus spilled out under Applejack’s muzzle, she sniffed it back up into her nostrils. “But ya know what, Ah need help.”
“ I was going to work on another dress for a client in Manehattan, but I noticed that you weren’t on the orchard so I decided to come and check on you,” Rarity grimaced at the sight of used tissues strewn across the floor, snot dripped from them.
Rarity brought a brush out of her saddlebag, brushing the tangled, blond locks of Applejack’s mane. “Just brushing your mane for you.”
Applejack giggled as her friend brushed her mane. “Ya’ll never change. Will ya, Rarity?”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, darling. I would walk the ends of Equestria to nurse you back to health, you stay comfy while I make you some tea.” Rarity fluffed the pillow behind Applejack’s pillow, ensuring that she was comfy before she walked down the stairs into the kitchen.
“Thanks Rarity, you’re a true friend.” Applejack sniffled, grabbing another tissue from the tissue box.
Rarity made her trip into the kitchen, poured water into the kettle and turned the tea kettle on, letting the tea boil in the kettle as she searched through the cabinets. She found a honey jar in the top of the cabinets, the tea finished boiling in the metal kettle on the stove. Rarity grabbed the handle of the metal kettle poured every drop of the tea into a teacup, stirred the tea around with a spoon.
Tapping the bottom of the honey jar, the rich, golden honey came out of the jar and into the teacup. She rotated the spoon clockwise and counterclockwise in the cup, the honey mixed with the hot liquid and brought the cup up the stairs to Applejack’s room.
“Here you go, Applejack. One freshly brewed cup of tea coming right up, prepared with friendship and love.” Rarity propped the teacup and saucer on Applejack’s nightstand, looking into her emerald eyes.
“Come again?” The confused cowpony whipped her head around. She tipped her stetson down in front of her eyes, hiding the blush on her freckles.
“Nothing, darling. You can partake in the delicious tea, do you need anything else?” Rarity levitated the teacup off the saucer, enveloped in her blue aura. She held the teacup near Applejack’s lips and tipped the cup down.
“Nothin’ else, Rarity. Thank you for fluffin’ my pillow, makin’ me tea, and takin’ time out of your busy schedule to visit me.” Applejack opened her mouth wide as Rarity tipped the cup further, the warm tea trickled down her throat and into her stomach. She licked her lips and tasted the rich flavor of the honey in the tea.
“I couldn’t just leave you here, bedridden and all alone.” Rarity walked over to the door, before Applejack rests her head down on the pillow and called out to her.
“Rarity!”
“Yes, Applejack?”
“Thank ya kindly for your hospitality. Ah really appreciate it,” Applejack tipped her stetson at Rarity, she winked her eye at her.
“It was no trouble at all, Applejack. Get better soon,” Rarity walked out of the room and downstairs to the door of the farmhouse, she closed the door behind her. She pulled her umbrella out as it hovered above her head, wandering through the orchard.
“Will do partner, will do.” Applejack blew her nose into another tissue, covering the tissue in her mucus and closed her eyes.
She drifted off to sleep and whispered to herself, “Generosity.”
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Good story.
Thank god no RariJack. I hate that pairing.
4870717 Thank you.
4870718 Sorry to hear that.
4870720
Thank YOU!
4870718
What about Sparity?
4870720 Don't be sorry, Rarity belongs to Spike.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMTEvMTEvMjBfMTBfMjNfMTYyXzE0ODk5OV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcmFyaXR5X3NoaXBwaW5nX3NwaWtlX3ZlY3Rvcl9zcGFyaXR5X2ZpcmVfcnVieSJdLFsicCIsInRodW1iIiwiMjUweDI1MCJdXQ/148999__safe_rarity_spike_shipping_vector_sparity_fire-ruby.png.png
Also it was a very good story.
4870737 I guess so.
4870729 derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMTEvMTEvMjBfMTBfMjNfMTYyXzE0ODk5OV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcmFyaXR5X3NoaXBwaW5nX3NwaWtlX3ZlY3Rvcl9zcGFyaXR5X2ZpcmVfcnVieSJdLFsicCIsInRodW1iIiwiMjUweDI1MCJdXQ/148999__safe_rarity_spike_shipping_vector_sparity_fire-ruby.png.png
Can you do another aj sick story?
4870744 That depends.
4870742
Sweeeeeet. Sparity is best shipping.
4870750 It is one of the best.
My shipping goggles are glued to my face, so I felt the feels anyway. All kidding aside, this was adorable!
4870755 Glad that you liked it! This idea came into my mind this morning, so I decided to become the ultimate opportunist and write it down.
A bit of tense confusion there, but sweet story.
4870791 I'll fix that right now.
Aw the picture is so cute!
I must say, I really enjoyed this. Good job, here have a favourite, upvote, and follow. 
4870881 Thank you for all three!
4870885 No problem! Any great author deserves it.
Hi there! Thought I'd drop by, read your story, and mention any thoughts that came to mind. You know, as a sort of friendly feedback-type thing.
Before I get to the story, there's a period in your description that shouldn't be there, right between "her" and "an." Pretty sure it's a typo, but I thought I'd mention it.
On a first read-through, I didn't see any deal-breaking errors. Grammar and punctuation is pretty solid, and the story flows well enough. That said, I do have some suggestions that I think could help you take this to the next level.
First, the opening felt really rushed. We're barely with AJ for two sentences before everything goes wrong (well, in the context of the story anyway). I would have appreciated a little more of a setup, some time to experience the orchard with AJ before the rain forces her inside. It would have made the contrast between sickness and health more noticeable.
Second, why is Rarity coming to Sweet Apple Acres? Does she know AJ is sick? How long has AJ been bedridden? She says she 'noticed [AJ] wasn't in the orchard,' but how is this, exactly? Sweet Apple Acres is on the outskirts of Ponyville, and I'm not sure how Rarity would notice such a thing from town.
My main point here is that Rarity seems to lack a clear motivation for being at the farm in the first place. This is simple enough to fix - stating that Rarity already knows about AJ's illness and is coming to check on her, or that she has some other business there - and for me at least, it would give the story a greater sense of continuity, rather than just having Rarity go there for the sake of the plot.
The way you've written Rarity is a bit weird, too. Here are some quotes to illustrate:
This line seems to cross the line into disrespect or disdain. Sure, it's hard to picture Rarity being a farm girl, but she and AJ have a mutual respect for what the other does, even if it's not something they would do themselves.
Again, the "Eww!" seems too over-the-top for Rarity. It also hurts her credibility when she says she's concerned for AJ's health. I get what you're going for, though, and maybe a facial expression ("Rarity grimaced") would serve you better here.
I'm not really sure where to go with this one. Rarity just doesn't seem the type to say "prepared with friendship and love." That seems like more of a random Pinkie Pie-ism.
The last thing I'll mention is the purpose of this story. I've re-read it a couple times, and I'm left stuck with the impression that I'm missing something - a meaning, as it were. AJ gets sick, and Rarity comforts here - all well and good. But where's the 'so what'? Were they supposed to learn something? Maybe I'm just not seeing it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for this one. Best of luck!
4871209 I'm glad that you told me what's wrong with the story and how I can improve, maybe I should have fleshed it out a bit more.
Also, thank you.
I approve of this.
I don't get why she whispered, "Generosity..." at the end. Going to a friend's house and helping them with a few things when you find out there sick is just amicable. Was it supposed to be a Citizen Kane reference? There wasn't even any introspection.
4874863 Yes, it was supposed to be a reference to Citizen Kane.
I really like the story, but it seems very rushed. From how AJ caught the cold to how long Rarity stayed to help her out. And.....AJ wears her hat to bed? I've seen her take it off in the show (you could say she tried to hide her blush with her sheets and it would be equally adorable). I don't mind that you didn't add romance because just friend helping friend is still adorable. I would like to read this again if you decide to update a lengthened version.
I cringed when you described the mucus tissues, I hate colds and can relate to AJ.
5078195 Thank you for the feedback!
Hey bud. It has come to our attention that we have never read one of your stories before.
We really liked this one. We haven't really seen that many unwell pony stories on this site. Writing one shots is hard (At least for us because they always turn into massive stories). But in our opinion you did great.
5836553 Thanks, there are a small amount of one shot stories you can find of mine or other stories that I write.
Thanks for not making this another lesbian ship
