YAY

4894591 He has 5 fingers and feet, while the anthros have 4 fingers and hooves.

Okay, let me tell you, you're story is amazing. It's quite a great story with an interesting plot! I haven't seen one story like this in my whole 3 years on Fimfiction! Good job, good sir.

Moar
Plz
And
Thx
~JFK

Some blindingly fast pacing...

Just looking at that picture reminds me of that damn haybusa song

You need to slow down. The pacing is all off, but the story is good. I recommend rewriting some of this first and add more words. Like... 3000 or something. Just slow down with the chapters and write more. I can wait 10 days for a chapter as long as the chapter is good.

(Oh, and this is constructive criticism. I'm not doing it to be a dick! I am trying to help him! )

Y the blue blazes does he not get a choice in the matter he is not a slave he is an eon or so old being that dates pre all other races on the world and they say to possibly the most powerful being on the earth "you will bend to my will because I think I am superior to you" why! Why does he let himself be pushed around! They have absolutely no hope to defend against him in the case that he attacks them! The only reason they won was because he was bleeding heavily and wasn't fighting them. Basically they are royal f****d if he decides to attack point made

Hey guys I love all of your comments and suggestions so thanks for that.
I just want to make it clear to Nectarina that he is being complacent because he is just being nice. Now when he gets angry is when it really hits the fan. So just wait for that to happen and you will understand.
Till then keep them suggestions coming! Anything to help me improve I will take!

HAYABUSA!!!! Oh, Hayabusa.

Mind your pacing.

saw the img and I couldn't help but think " Pfff, add that to the list of 'shit I haven't seen in seven years'"

wait...

Wait wait wait THERE

Did you see it that was me giving a like!

It's a very Rare occurrence

MAKE US MOAR!!!!

The story is good, but you DESPERATELY need an editor dude.

I could do it if you want :)

There is nothing wrong here

Just gotta say this: Please don't tell me he's going to be following every order w/out question and calling them 'Your Highness', 'Yes My Princess', etc. just because he's Captain of the Royal Guard when he didn't even get a choice in it.

4901183

>>> For someone who has spent centuries in secrecy, to protect his species secrets from others, he is ridiculously quick to suddenly abandon it all.

I can't emphasize this enough. Waaaaaaay too fast on moving the plot forward in respects to this.

You know after thousand of years avoiding contact with the ponies, why the sudden change of heart? It doesn't make any sense! He even accepted the offer in being a Captain. Why?

For being thousand of years old he sure doesn't act like one.

I kind of agree with 4901183 here. You need to have a better job at explaining things here. After all the build up you gave the MC in the first chapter, it suddenly disappeared once he met the ponies.

4903206 Because plot device.....Seriously,Protagonists are more addicted to plot hooks than important people are addicted to meandering around in a tavern in a fantasy setting!

img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130427122539/yogscast/images/5/56/Well_that_escalated_quickly.jpg

why would celestia make a creature she barely knows anything about the captain of the guard ?

I tried to get into it but this story seems to have the same consistency of a power rangers episode.

5095793 Nice analogy.

4898051

I would have opened it but there just wasn't time. That and I always wanted to bust through a window like a badass.

I have wanted to do that also..............

This chapter was so quick that I lost count of how many chapters should be there. (I think maybe at least 7-14?)

First contact went way to smoothly, he may be immortal but still, most people would have bolted back home, locked the doors and barred the windows.

The gaurds are going to have so much fun

I know I'm late to this and it has been said already...

But that was way to fast, BAM!!! Your a gaurd now.

6685200 i think it was at a ok pace, it did not seem to fast paced.