when Carla, a changeling, saves Watchman, a royal guard, from a prison, Carla wishes to prove that not all changelings are evil.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 17th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 8th, 2016
GamingBrony101
hey there! I come from the UK, and have been making stories since as long as i can remember
GamingBrony101
Joined 17th Aug, 2014 ·
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cute that was really good for your first fan fiction but maybe a little more detail next time
I loved the part about hypnosis and would love to see more of that with the two like its a friendly joke shell play on him
Just as a little note: remember to capitalize at the beginning of a sentence. I mean, if you didn't mention changelings, I wouldn't've checked this story out for the simple reason of bad grammar. Just a little note for future stories.
~ Michael A.
Just finished reading, and I was actually surprised. It was interesting, and a decent read. Nothing groundbreaking, but worth the read! The main thing's that I should mention is spelling and grammar. From what I could tell; you knew what you were doing. You used punctuation properly, for the most part, and your writing mechanics weren't that bad. But! I could tell that you did not look this over before you published it. There were missing paragraph breaks, punctuation, spaces, and even forgetting to capitalize certain words. But, this is nothing that can't be fixed. I would suggest either giving it a good look-over before you publish your work in the future, or invest in an editor.
You have the basics of writing down, and I can see some promise of good things. You have the writing "spark", which can't really be taught. All you need is practice, and I mean lots of practice, and you'll be popping out stories left and right! Some other thing's I think I should mention are: you need to work on writing a better description, and work on proper "tagging".
Well, that is my two cents. Good start, and I wish to see more in the future!!!
~ Michael A.
Nice concept, the story may have been rushed, but it was a good read.
It's a fairly good story, though as mentioned in the other comments it seems a bit rushed. I certainly like the premise of a changeling rescuing a royal guard and the two falling in love, especially because you can go in all kinds of neat directions with that story. I certainly think that, if you feel inclined, you should continue the story. Possibly you could show them making their way into Equestria and safety, and what happens to them when they arrive. If you wanted to you could go into further detail with both their histories, which would add much greater depth to the characters.
As far as criticism goes, I would suggest padding out Carla gaining Watchman's trust. To me, the speed of how quickly they go from standoffish to loving is the main weak spot. One way to fill in the story here is to have the characters dialogue about their histories. This is a nice spot to let the audience meet and understand the characters and their motivations.
Once again, this is a promising story, and I personally would like to see more of it.
"you don't have the balls"
Very nice story by the way.
Thank you all for your comments, favoriting and praise. i will continue this fanfic in another chapter but i am currently working on a new one that i'm adding more detail into and making sure there are little to no grammar mistakes. You can expect more fics from me in the future
GamingBrony101
The overall plot is interesting, but I found it disjointed, as if their should be far more detail in each paragraph. Romance is best when it take a while to read, even if the characters have a whirlwind romance we need to see it develops instead of They meet, they chat, "I love you" the end.
I hate disliking story's, especially when the author actually cares about their characters, but this feels more like an outline than a story, but heavy rewrites could fix it.