Nightmare of the Past

by Blank-Slate

A Past Not Yet Forgotten

Author's Note:

My very first story!!

Also, feedback is very much generous. Hope to write more stories soon, PM me if you have any ideas, information, or opportunity for anything

I still recall memories of my dark and unforgiving past. The times when I was… You know… A monster. I loathed my sister, the pony who controls the sun. You should know her, everyone knows her. Shadowing me, and making me an outcast, If I could just change my past as a monster I would do it in a heartbeat, but I have taken too much time ruining the past and leaving a permanent scar on my timeline.

The day is still clear in my mind. Bright and sunny, but... Gloomy.. I had been awake all night, being the guardian of the night, the moon and its shadows revealing an ever beauty to this.. Oblivion knows damned sunlight. A celebration was in order, ponies from all over Equestria were attending the “Summer Sun Celebration” that was going to be held at the castle at daybreak. I honestly don't see anything special about the sun, Celestia and I were preparing to get ready for the evening party, but I couldn't bring myself to show my face to the awed ponies, for I knew that they weren't here for me, they were only here for Celestia, only a few years ago we both defeated a great threat in Equestria, Discord. His rule to life was nothing more but a big prank on everypony, a few dancing buffalo's and a storm of chocolate milk, pouring from cotton candy clouds. We summoned a powerful group of gems to aid us, the Elements of Harmony, but after defeating him and returning home, crowds of ponies chanted a mantras. Mostly Celestia's name being in the chant, how.. SHE alone managed to get rid of the reign of terror that brought chaos upon the land.
I decided to not go to the midnight party and stayed in my room, until early dawn.

---

I got off of my bed, seeing that the time for the moon to rise was coming very soon… Very, very soon… I muffled a sudden laugh, why was I laughing? There is nothing here in my living quarters that is making me laugh… I brushed off that moment of enjoyment away, preparing to use my overbearing power to raise the moon. Tonight was going to be a full moon, I've waited thirty moons for a beautiful night like this one.

I headed for the door, but as soon as I placed a hoof upon the birch wood door I needed to.. ahem.. Throw up. I pushed the door open and galloped to the bathroom, passing a couple of Celestia’s guards, reaching inside I stopped to breathe, and I didn’t need to throw up anymore.. What’s happening to me? Why am I feeling strange? I-I should lie down..
NO!
W--what?
I said ‘no’
Who are you?
Let’s just say that I’m you.. Well a more.. Assertive you
I do not understand. What is it you want?
I want to take over, but in order for me to do so, I will need you to give me your power so I can grow stronger
What for?
Haven’t you just been sick of Celestia stealing the spotlight, shunning you in darkness as a princess of great ranks? Listen to my plea, let me take over
I thought about it for a moment then said aloud “alright”, I felt a sting of pain in my chest as if I were to be impaled with a sharp blade, I fell to the ground, breathing heavily. After a moment that felt like a century I got up off the ground, taking a good long look in the mirror.. Nothing has changed, my coat is still the same shade of blue yonder, my mane still the colors of Bluebonnet and Yale blue, and marked with the sparkling stars of the night sky, however it was a tad messy.

---

I don’t get it. I accepted that.... Thing’s request, I don’t look nor feel any different.
I walked into the great throne room where mine and Celestia’s throne were seated upon a balcony, accompanied with a stairway leading to each seat. I walk the steps to my throne and stare at the banner that resembles Equestria at its peaceful, blissful, harmonic nighttime state. Hearing a noise emitting from the entryway I took cover behind my throne due to fear of not being at my post to prepare the night. The same sting hit me again, I held my breath.
Celestia tread inside the throne room with grace and perfection, as if it took years of practice to maintain a gentle walk, but yet also holding the power within each step. “Not another step” I say revealing my cover from behind the throne, walking out to stare down at the one I call sister. She only stared back, with those… Strong eyes that manage to look so calm and serious at the same time.
“Did you really expect me to sit idly by, while they all vast in your precious light?” now I was the one who stared with strong, angered eyes, “There can only be one princess in Equestria...” I said as I made my way towards the pedestal “.. And that princess will. Be. ME!” I raised my hooves high to my chest and threw them down with a hard slam that shattered the pedestal, causing the wall behind me to crack and destroy the window, revealing the setting sun. Using my magical abilities I rose the moon and blocked the sun, creating a very rare sight of a solar eclipse.
A dark cloud of smoke lifted me into the air, the stinging pain still was present within my body, I was transforming into something new, my coat changed to a midnight black, and my body covered in useful, protective armor, my teeth grew into fangs and my pupil a black, feline-like slit within my cyan iris colored eyes. I laughed at how much strength I was gaining, the old fool won’t know what will kill her.

---

Now this was about to go down, me at my strongest state, and my sister in her usual pathetic little state. How exciting it is to fight the goddess of the sun, with the moon covering the sun this should be very useful for my energy to be at maximum level. I shot a beam of my powerful magic at a statue of Celestia’s ‘royal’ face, then moved the beam across the sunroof above Celestia, shattering the glass and stone that fell from above.

‘The pesky princess got out of the way in time, that’s not what I wanted at all’ I growled to myself, as the debris cleared I stepped closer to my former sister, she flew into the air and I used my magic again, aiming it at her, but she kept moving like a fly, an annoying fly.
Landing back on the ground Celestia said in a worry tone “Luna, I will not fight you. You must lower the moon, it is your duty”
“Luna?” I say surprisingly, how this dumb mare doesn’t even know who I am, I guess I’ll introduce myself “I am Nightmare Moon. I have but one royal duty now, to destroy you!” another beam of magic was shot to Celestia which she dodged instantly, fleeing out into the night sky by the badly damaged sunroof, “and where do you think you’re going?” I growl as I flew after her.
Left and right she manage to squirm and dodge every attack I throw her way, she was beginning to get on my already angered nerves, she used the old, stone kingdom to lose her scent under bridges, over watchtowers, and behind gargoyles, but I was hot on her tail and used this to my advantage to strike true. She turned to face me ‘probably trying to fight back, the fool’ I thought as I shot yet another cyan beam at her exposed chest, she howled in pain as I attacked her and fell down back through the broken sunroof, to the cold floor of the throne room. I laughed maniacally for I have succeeded in defeating the princess of the sun.

---

I look upon the darkened land, my smile wicked, but amused. I have defeated a great enemy whom might have endangered my new kingdom of the night. I couldn’t risked that.. I just couldn’t… Then why do I feel guilty for what I have done?

My train of thought was shortly interrupted by a bright light that was exiting the kingdom’s sunroof “Celestia” I whispered to myself with wide eyes, she was still alive and had the Elements of Harmony with her, might as well put on a show. I was determined to test my skill in magic, it may be enough to actually destroy the elements for good. I tilted my head downward to aim at her, she did the same. Both horns were glowing brightly, hers a golden color and mine bright cyan, simultaneously we fired, both beams pushing eachother back and forth, more energy being drained from each of us, but my energy was drained too soon and I was forced out of the atmosphere. The last and only thing I saw was Celestia’s face, drenched in tears, bruised and down trickled blood, she was upset. She was sad. I caused her harm. I created her pain.. And I regret everything I’ve done...

Comments

[Princess of Edits]

Greetings, citizen. As of late I have seen fit to provide mine assistance to authors who seem in need, which explaineth my presence here. Do note that I come not to debase thee or insult thy fic, but rather to give thee some insight into where thou mayest improve thyself as a writer. That said, I shan’t blunt mine opinions in order to preserve thy feelings. ‘Tis for thine own good to receive the whole truth rather than a pat on the back. Do not let constructive criticism harm thy confidence—rather, use it as the tool that it is for becoming a better author.

Now let us away to yon long description:

Going back 1000 years ago before Luna's banishment, this tale isn't forgotten, but remembered and reminded of Luna's great mistake..

Some content is from the original My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episodes, which is rightfully AND respectfully owned by Hasbro, DHX, other creators and Laura Faust, I do NOT own any of the characters nor some of their dialogue. Thank you and enjoy the fanfic!

I understand not the final part of the actual description (the disclaimer counteth not). Who is reminding who of what? It maketh no sense. Even further, I would prefer that thou tellest me what the story is actually about; saying that it happened over a thousand years ago provideth far too little context.

Regarding the disclaimer, thou needest it not. Believe me truly when I say that, if Hasbro and its legion of lawyers wished to pursue a lawsuit against some little-known fanfiction author on the internet, then a flimsy disclaimer will do naught to protect thee. That said, they shall never pursue such a lawsuit in the first place, precisely because thou art a fanfiction author on the internet, and Hasbro careth not.

Onwards, to the story proper.

In the author’s note preceding the text, thou explainest thy reasoning behind the word “Redone” in the title. However, as thou hast not published the original fic, thou needest not apply any modifiers to it. It hath naught to do with the story itself, and I suggest that thou cutteth it out.

I still get memories of my dark and unforgiving past.

And here I must pick at thine opening sentence. ‘Tis not terrible, to be sure, but it sayeth something that is not what thou meanest. “Getting memories” is not the same as “recalling memories”, a distinction that greatly changeth the sentence’s meaning. I urge thee to consider rewriting it.

So the story beginneth with someone (supposedly Luna) sitting around moping and being generally angsty.

...but alas the time I have taken from my life has caused me to be a danger to those around me

I honestly know not what exactly thou meanest with this sentence, an issue that croppeth up frequently throughout this fic. Thou stringest together a sentence that is technically correct, but with insensate meaning. Time hath caused her to be a danger? That maketh no sense.

...they were only here for Celestia, how.. HER alone managed to get rid of the reign

It should be “she alone managed”. Right now, it readeth, “how her alone managed”, which is incorrect.

Luna recalleth the day Nightmare Moon possessed her, which thou sayest was the same day as the “End of Chaos” party. Although I would urge thee to consider a better name (seriously, “End of Chaos”? Meh), but the more pressing issue is that Luna’s rebellion took place on the morn of the Summer Sun Celebration.

What followeth is basically a retelling of Luna’s battle against Celestia and subsequent banishing to the moon, along with thine interpretation of her thoughts all the while. Although ‘tis not too poorly written, I wonder wherefore ‘twas conceived. This story hath already been told in the show, and thine own additions do little to advance the characterizations. The reader could simply watch the arguably better produced scene and have roughly the same experience.

‘Twould be more acceptable if the story continued and explored the present-day Luna’s reflections further, mayhaps even shown her with some sort of epiphany, but no such thing occurreth. The fic simply endeth with Nightmare Moon’s banishment.

I suppose there is little for me to say in conclusion. When thou writest a story, try to bring something new to the table. Angsty Luna is not a novel idea, and the fight scene is nigh upon ripped straight from the show. Further, thy formatting, grammar, and word choices struck me as consistently odd, and I mean not only those that I quoted. Nearly every sentence had a mistake or poorly-chosen word in it. Mayhaps if thou readest through thy work before submitting it, these strange-sounding items will present themselves to thee so that thou mayest correct them. If proofreading is not thy forte, at the very least I urge thee to consider hiring a proofreader. ‘Twould make thy prose much more bearable to read.

With that, I am off. Fare thee well, author, and I wish thee the best of luck in thy future endeavors.

[Blank-Slate]

5797363
I very much appreciate your help and feedback on this story I'll make sure to fix the errors that I have made, again thank you for the feedback!