Equestria has survived horrible disasters and overcome cruel tyrants over the course of thousands of years. No matter the danger, it persevered through the magic of friendship. It is a bright, colorful world, and its pillars are kindness, loyalty, generosity, honesty, laughter and magic.
If so, why is it so empty, bleak and abandoned?
Why do horrid visions plague his mind, pouring through into reality?
And why can't he remember his own name?
Approved by Twilight's Library.
---
Proofread by BookMarkofCanterlot. Without his assistance, this story would most likely have taken a few more... years to come out. Realistically speaking.
Most editing and Google Doc conversion by BLACK M3SA.
Cover art by Squji.
This is a cross-over with the Amnesia game series. Do mind, however, that if you are not familiar with the universe, it is not an issue - the most you will be missing out on is going to be a few references and the realization that the plot of the story is less original than it might seem. In case you feel utterly confused, then don't be hasty in blaming it on the crossover - it probably means that I did what I intended to do. Venturing into spoiler territory, this story does not contain any characters from the Amnesia game series, or Amnesia-related media for that matter. By TVTropes' standarts (I sincerely apologize for the mention, but take no responsibility for the countless hours you are likely to spend browsing it), it is an Elsewhere Fic for Amnesia. Yes, I am aware that links shine through spoilers. Bummer.
In another important detail that counts as a spoiler, the "Gore" tag does not stand for "Torture Porn". This story has significantly less body horror than any of the Amnesia titles. Granted, there are going to be a few squicky parts, but nothing horribly outrageous. Cupcakes veterans will be disappointed.
The dialogue formating has been reported to cause readers severe nausea, anxiety and an occasional death. Unfortunately, dashes ended up being the most optimal choice in the long run. Inner monologue uses quotation marks and spoken lines use em-dashes.
The story is going to be updated a chapter per week, as long as I have access to something that has a semblance of an Internet connection.
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
4856466 Physical violence isn't a particularly hot trend, I fear.
4886374
Well, I am impressed. Mostly with myself. That was the intention. There was a lot of wanton cruelty against common grammar in order to make the story feel uneasy. Being inspired by the writing in Amnesia also helped. This is pretty far off my usual writing style (approximately 100% less non-sequetirs).
Interesting. The inspiration behind the Errors' vocal pattern was more among the lines of the Taken from Alan Wake. I'll also mention that they're even freakier in Google Docs (which is why you should check that version out), as the original also had them use different fonts.
Hmmm. I won't be so sure to call this statement completely true. For various reasons.
Which is very (in)convenient, because it's up right now - complete coincidence. You can wait if you want to.
4886901
Again, go me - that was the exact intention. Granted, I did end up putting in something for those who like them some cupcakes, but this has always been the idea. I hope I don't drop it in later chapters, because I know for a fact that the writing style there changes over time. The EM-O-Meter certainly goes off much more when I hover it over the later ones.
Why, that all depends on what exactly you percieve to be "wrong". First there is the subversion of all, and then there is a nudging desparity that can't be left ignored. And then there are... worse things.
Yeah, the least you could say is that he's of two minds on most things that have been happening.
After deliberation, it is decided this story deserves a like and a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
Eh, and have a fav on it too.
..aaaaaand that's why it's best to always wait for an admin. Congratz!
4901825
4902311 Indeed. I suppose I had my right to be doubtful of the chances, but all is well, at the end of the day. I guess it's a good sign when your first attempt at a fanfic ends up with a ribbon.
Now, pehaps, I'll even dig my way out of the, uhm... numerical indifference in order.
4902337
Enjoy your ribbon
If you're talking about low views, I might suggest moving away from the gdocs. The formatting in the FimFic viewer was serviceable, and people who go straight to your gdoc are not adding to your view count. For all you know, you could have 1000 views and the site would never register it. Also, if people are reading in Gdocs, they are not presented with the like, fav, or comment buttons at the end of the chapter, so they are less likely to leave their approval/feedback. Just something to consider.
4902511
Well... maybe. I assumed that it wouldn't be such a turn-off - you do need to scroll down the description to find the info, and if you've read it in the author's notes then you at least opened the chapter.
I considered all of that, but it seemed to me that whoever bothered to scroll down far enough and/or open the link in the author's notes would have it in them to comment/fav/like/watch. It's a good point, though. I don't think I'll get rid of them, but I think I'll try to word it differently.
4903030
I am mortified, disgusted and apaulled.
Oh, worry not, none of these feelings are towards your story, merely the 'Numerical Indifference' surronding it.
This story is perhaps among the most interesting and well thought out tales that I've had the pleasure of stumbling upon.
And yet, at the time of my writing this, it holds only 77 views to it's name! To make circumstances even more unbelievable, it even has a dislike!
I simply cannot understand how literally weeks worth of effort and planning, can simply be thrust out of spotlight in exchange for silly clopfics and other such nonsense.
I too feel your pain friend, my most popular story, Dread Shadows, holds merely 22 likes to it's name and perhaps 150 views (50 of which were most likely my own as I set to work editing the first chapter). Perhaps I am being slightly too zealous, however I can certainly sympthasize with your situation.
Well, my rant is over.
All angry thoughts asides, I cannot wait to read the rest of this story!
4923260
Well, that's unlikely. Author views only count on separate chapter pages, the proper number only counts them for one.
And thanks for the support. It's been morbidly humorous and really depressing at the same time. Hard to find words to describe it, because the wrong ones will make it look like I'm begging for views, and people really don't like that (for good reason). I'll just say that I never expected it to be anywhere near popular, but what's currently happening...
Let's just say that all the plans I had for cryptic foreshadowing in comments have been rendered moot. Because there are virtually no comments. It may look like 14, but in actuality it's just three people. And half of them are the Twilight's Library reviewers.
Oh shit son! I like this a lot!
4923981
Well, I made a post about this on my FimFic blog thingy. Although I don't think it helped you out too much, I suppose it's the thougt that counts right?
4937288 Yeah it does, thanks for that. All this whining in the comments sure isn't winning me any fans, so hey, maybe we could get into substance if you want to.
4937298
Heh, I'm afraid I'm unsure of what 'substance' is refering to.
Apologies if it's blatantly obvious.
4937317 By that I mean that we could stop scaring whoever reads the comment section (hello people, and try not to look at all this desperate housewife business) and instead start... doing the same, via story discussion. I'm pretty sure I've put enough in there to make theorycrafting and impressions easy to form. It's more or less the reason I put this out for public reading, to see what people think as things develop... which kinda didn't happen. Much.
4938364
That was inevitable and part of the plan. The opening chapters were supposed to be limitlessly confusing - they start the mystery off and begin to branch the story. Chapter 4 is where it begins to actually develop, so it's probably a good idea to have the reader have a faint understanding of what the hell is going on. As you said, for how much happened, there's damn little that we can know for sure.
You can just call them Errors already, that's the official term.
For what it's worth, I know for a fact that Chapter 5 is going to clear a few things out, as it's the midpoint culmination of events. In fact, Chapter 5 is going to be the dealbreaker for the story. If only because I'm pretty sure that it's the most disturbing one one my own list of chapters.
And I wrote it.
Perhaps what I like most about this story, is that it's so difficult to read. By that I mean that it is incredibly difficult to fully grasp what is happening, there were many times when I had to ask myself if what he was going through was entirely in his own mind. The story is cryptic in many places, forcing the reader to try and figure out what's going on by him/herself, instead of being force fed by the author. The English used is far beyond superb, outdoing perhaps any other author which I've come upon whilst on this site.
4995607
Good to know. I assumed that she shift could possibly have been a little too rough and fast.
That is overall a good point - enemies become somewhat boring if they are all about the same thing. Something to spice them up is normally required. Additional motivations, perspective screws, maybe even an alliance. There you are right.
And there's a new chapter out now, too. By pure coincidence, as always. So the remainder of the thoughts on this one might need to blend into the next if you feel like continuing to be one out of two people who still comment on this..
5002154
The act itself is doubtful. Can we really judge its intentions? They operate on a plane very distant from ours. You may just strip the circumstances regarding the details and it still would not go all that well. Perhaps they are, after all, wrong in each every way, despite the circumstancial evidence pointing otherwise...
Now here you've just got the plurals all wrong. In various ways.
Unfortunately, with the amount of swears I NECESSARILY have to put into anything I write, and with how I consistently rely on off-format fonts, colors and sizes (WHICH ARE THE MOST PAINFUL THING IN THE WORLD DURING GOOGLE DOCS CONVERTION), I am pretty sure that none would want to even edit that.
Besides, all I've ever written and will ever write is going to be fan fiction. I am remarkably incapable of creating something wholly of my own - it has to have an existing basis, even if the end result will stray far from it.
5030039
It's good to have immense power. It's... slightly less than optimal when that power is infinitely greater than any understanding of it, yours included, could be. It's highly inconvenient, in fact. Denial and escapism are likely scenarios.
I wonder how the Aberration could be sympathetic. All we've seen so far was the cover from the book.
And do get well.
4856489 shit, you can kiss your sanity goodbye and hope to hell there is some Ritalin on hand.
5113041 I'd suggest superglue instead.
Hmm, most interesting indeed. It has my interest. It had it when you started to describe the Golden Oaks library in an "abandoned ruins" state.
I think my favorite is when you get down into using short, crisp, sentences. I feel like a lot of writers that attempt to write anything "dark" or about "horror" get far too invested in detail and gore.
But simple sentences. Short. Crisp. Can instill as much fear into the reader as it does to the character.
I have a few guesses on who our mysterious blue voiced guest is. I'm looking at Rainbow Dash - since it started to occur next to a window she famously breaks through all the time. Trixie, because the voice is blue and somehow magic is being used. Or Twilight because it is or was her home.
Anyways, off to read the rest, but I want the cover of darkness to appear first.
5119700 Short sentences is something I've developed while trying to pace the story out. They normally come out far too long and boring, so post-editing gives us this. Admittedly, as time went on, I developed an opposite problem, and now half the sentences are gut-kicks to the reader.
And, well... I'll spoil one thing - one of these three is nowhere near important enough to be playing that part.
Hmm... I sort of expected Rarity to appear as a Suitor. (Unless I totally overlooked something)
It got a little confusing for me at times while reading. I had to double back and check a few points a couple of times. Like we went from the Golden Oaks to the Boutique now, suddenly.
The atmosphere is good, in my opinion. Creepy, dark, and it isn't difficult to imagine seeing.
5121240
No, you didn't. Justine is the Amnesia game that got the least cross-over exposure in A:TE. Though some... things later may be reminiscent.
Get used to it. Reality is... infrequent, as the chapter says. Heh. It'll more or less be explained later on.
I'll point out one important thing for now - this is, well... a bare-bones crossover. This is done in the style of Amnesia, and isn't a retelling of any of the games, and it doesn't feature any of the characters. It is, however, part of the Amnesia universe. It shares... items, so to speak. So don't expect Alexander, the Suitors, or Servant Grunts. You can expect a lantern, though, or a journal. Or... more.
Ahh, something physically creepy appears at last. Honestly, i thought it was going to be Fluttershy at first, but then it was her. She made a nice victim.
Right now, I'm under the impression that this is mentally happening for him.
Small misuse of a word.
*skull.
Scull is actually a pair of small oars.
5121396
Her? I wonder who.
Finally, this had managed to throw someone off.
And the "scull" thing... I type really really fast, and SEVEN re-edits later some things stay as they were. It may get worse in later chapters. Those only had three.
5121396
We'll talk about this game after work. Maybe it'll help you understand this story better. You have to admit though, this is better than the other one on fan fiction that turned into clip half way through.
5121534 Hm. Not sure what the connection between you and Blood Lord is, but when and if you explain, do try to either mention A Machine for Pigs extensively, or not mention it at all. It is by far the most tightly connected Amnesia story. Some plot elements I picked from it shamelessly.
Still, this is more of an Amnesian what-if for Equestria that follows the same concepts and threads that I believe an Amnesia game would. Much like TDD, Justine and AMFP, it has a leitmotif, its own symbolism, its own idea and its own horrors. You may just read it without any previous Amnesia knowledge, and the only thing it'll change will be a few references and a certain plot point that is still explained well enough (I think) to fit in properly.
My opinion is different. I don't like how difficult it is to read all of this. Keeping track of what is going on hurts, and I find myself skipping paragraphs at a time just to find some sort of relevance or clarity in any of this. Something to grasp. The "terror" level is gone for me. I can't relate to the character anymore and I don't really feel any emotions when reading this particular work. I really enjoy reading stories that make you think, curious about what is to happen next, and guessing at what the next chapter will hold. But I don't find that with this story. Having to back track so many times, ask myself what is going on, looking into the situation, it's... well, more of a chore then I want when I sit down and read. Heck, the next chapter could be about Pinkie Pie going to the dentist and it would still make as much sense in the flow of things as all the other chapters have.
I want to go places when I read. I want to be able to lay back, relax, and be able to envision the events in my head. Either that is the author spoon feeding me every detail (see Night's Favoured Child) or leaving just enough to be able to inspire my own mind to draw the picture(Princess Twilight Sparkle's 500th Birthday). I like both ways, but I want to go somewhere that isn't my desk. I want to be intrigued, but I don't want to have to think. I am thinking in this story just to try and understand the story.
I think that is the issue, the main issue with your story and the low views on it - it's difficult to read. I know that the game goes like this, you have stated it, and apparently you have done it very well with some of the comments that I have read. You managed to capture the attention of a few with this work and made them very pleased with it. So considering that you got this close to the game's telling to mimic it like this, I'd consider that a great success already. You fulfilled your intent with the story if it was to get on the same track as the game.
(No idea, have yet to play Amnesia.)
5133677 Yeah, that part was something that I considered. And nothing can be done about it. It's just how it is. It's not even the actual confusion - it's the assumed confusion, it's all that you do not know. I purposedly dug that hole.
In-game, it is helped by the soundtrack, the visuals, and the gameplay - here, all I have is the story and the pacing. Plus, the fact that some people find interest in connecting the events. I'm glad to see that you find that point as well, being, apparently, one of the few who have disliked the story. And the only one whom I've seen comemnt on that.
I have no idea what I'd done wrong to make the progression uninteresting, though. There are two plot lines (the current events and the flashbacks), which both progress each time, and as far as I'm concerned, their development is relatively intriguing. I don't understand what's gone so wrong for it to just lose the appeal. I guess I don't hold much ground, being the author, but I don't see how that criticism is justified. There has been a lot of streamlining done to the plot, and I don't think it can go any further.
At least I know that it has - it's more than I got for other ones.
Interesting. Better than the last chapter. I think what is driving me is wanting to know how everything became like this.
I felt like the transitions were smoother in this one than in the past chapters. It wasn't as scattered and felt more streamlined.
5133767 This is the midpoint and my personal favorite chapter. This is where we stop getting THAT many new questions and instead start solving them. I'm glad to know that worked - I was afraid you'd give up after the last one, which was the last so-called establisher.
It's going to get clearer with each chapter from here on out... not that I won't add more questions and/or twists.
Hmm, nothing really to add to this one. Interesting that he killed Pinkie Pie.
Hmm. I had to read this chapter a few times to see if I missed anything. The ending seems weird for this chapter.
5150041 It is, but there's reason behind it. Pretty much the very next chapter explains why it happens. It was a sort of a hook back when it came out. Aside from that, this one really is rather straightforward - both of them are. Now, starting with the eighth one, things start to get a bit messier, and you will need to read between the lines a few times for best effect.
A bit of a shame that 6 wasn't that impactful, I find it to be one of my personal favorites. Then again, that's mostly because I had so much trouble quitting that particular scene... Oh I could write that forever. Yep. Not a fan of her.
(Seriously, use the dark setting when reading this. It's not to make it more spooky)
I'm done reading this. I did get curious about Amnesia and the atmosphere, so I'm watching some gameplay videos of it. I know, I know "Why don't you just go play it?". Well, because Mass Effect 3.
I want to watch a little bit of these before I come back and write more thoughts on the story. I do think it is a pretty decent story, but there were issues I had from time to time with it. Issues I hope to be able to put to bed with these videos.
5162273 Um... I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Hand one, I got you to check the game out, hand two, apparently the fic is too confusing without it... which it shouldn't have been.
I will, for now, assume that it being a crossover just messes with people's heads and causes them to assume things that aren't true but which I can't disprove very well until the fic is at its end. That was something I'd accepted long ago, and a sad truth. I fear that if you did have extensive issues, they are probably caused by the story, as Amnesia mostly lended the basis of the plot, the idea of flashbacks, and some of the writing style in sentences. If so, I hope you'll say what it was.
I just hope it'll stay interesting to the end.
5162315
I want to see how the story and the game stand when compared to each other. How close they are, feels in atmosphere, plot, emotion generation, things like that. To see and understand how much it had a helping hand. Nothing really in interpretation of story.
Crossovers can be a tricky bunch, imho. The author has to not only create a world, but merge two different (sometimes completely different) pieces together into one coherent mass. This mass has to be faithful to two different universes, enjoyable for fans of both, and easy to understand/explain to people unfamiliar with with the crossing verse. That's just the setting issues, then you have to balance all the other issues that writers commonly face across the spectrum - characters in character, grammar, spelling, and interesting story.
5162534
Well, all I can say is that Amnesia was supposed to only lend the feel and basic story elements (that, and how some things were written - several notes were pretty big on inspiration for me) - pretty much no common characters or locations (same universe, however - you'll start to see rather soon if you're only entering chapter 8). And check A Machine For Pigs if you want to see which exact Amnesia game I was leaning towards more.
I'd list what exactly is similar between the two and what I did to make it an Amnesia experience, but that'd have spoilers. If you're interested, I can PM that.
I hope it helps you get into the feel. And that the story ends up being decent in its own right.
Pretty good so far. Bit confusing though but I'm sure later chapters won't be as confusing. Love all the details though. keep it up.
5164201
That's primarily because the first five chapters set up that which the following six untange. It's just like that.
Not bad.
There are moments of this story that really shine, I really do believe that some elements of the story were fantastically pulled off. The one thing that I think did the best was the psychological horror. Hit the nail right on the head with that one. Hooks were excellently used. Grammar was well done (with a exception of the quotation marks being used for something else, but you acknowledge, explained, and redirected that elsewhere), used and abused well. The character alterations with color was interesting as well.
For the negative. I really, really struggle with the difficulty it was to read. It wasn't that the plot was "too deep", or overly descriptive. But that I got really lost at times with what was going on, and where the main character was at. These times I would have to fight myself not to skim, but even then it was difficult to make sense of what -DEtEctiVe- was going on. Oh, and the word interrupts didn't help much with that. It was a distraction when good serious things were going down.
My suggestions to fix it are probably too large of an undertaking for you at this moment with the story completed. I would suggest the need to stick closer to the "Amnesia: Machine for Pigs" story line instead of borrowing segments. An actual machine producing Victims with Errors as the "guards" of it or something of the like. That'd eliminate a lot of the confusion. The other idea is to tell this story completely from first person, instead of third. I think that'd make the episodes of confusion and randomness function better, and more easily explained as character breakdown.
5203823
Well, I'm glad that it didn't go down all the way.
I have to admit, my intentional lack of clarity did get a little too far a few times. It isn't unlikely that I will eventually revise the chapters slightly - if only to move a few things around and add some clarification to the current events. I've done a lot of that to begin with (the original version was a complete and utter puzzle and never told you ANYTHING, on purpose), but I suppose that if I ever find the time, I could.
Not sure what exactly that refers to. Give me an example if you can.
I just don't like first person very much. I find it kind of purposedly edgy. Third person allows you to be disconnected, which is, in some ways, good.
As for the other suggestion... well, I'll just have to pass on that. The core idea of this had always been that it's the same universe, but a completely separate story, and that there are many ways in which monsters can be created - and that the definition of that is very vague. For what it's worth, I also just like the idea that everything that had been happening is the result of Fixer's broken psyche interacting with a sentient world creation tool. I find that it makes my work a bit more unique, rather than descending further down the crossover road. Besides, if I were to do that, it'd have lost the effective independency it has.
In any case, I thank you for the effort you put into reading through all of it. Now, I know that this is no excuse, but this was my first completed fanfic, so I suppose I will get better with time. One thing is for sure, I am NOT doing that much format screw anymore, it's ludicrously difficult to put into text.
5203878
The "Detective" call out got tiring after a while. Times when the Victims were speaking or someone was and some important note of understanding was trying to be sent. Best example was this ending segment with them.
That's agreed on, but for different reasons. I never mind editing for first person, but I find the story so lacking because we're only getting a single person's input on it. I find third to be better because it gives you freedom to expand the story by introducing different perspectives.
Ah. I've assumed something like that. From my viewpoint, it slowly developed into dark, morbid comedy, what with how they can only say a single word... and yet they're having a conversation with it, and we can only assume what it's about from Fixer's thoughts and words. I admit, the mileage varies extensively, so it's no surprise you found it grating after a while.
Originally, they were supposed to finally speak in the end, but... that just felt cheesy. So I stuck with it to the end. It's original if nothing else.
Also, about single person, Rationale's nature and existence would have been uncovered WAY sooner if it was in first person. Frame Fixer knew from the beginning, but didn't understand - and the sheer amount of things that would need to be obfuscated in the narrative... it'd have been even more confusing. So it'd have gotten rid of the buildup to Rationale, from the portraits to the words in his head. And, for one last thing, since, well, I suppose it's not too much to ask, any general thought on the very ending? That'd probably need a spoiler tag, but still.
5261726
Well, that's good to know. I assumed I was less than successful with the rather obvious expected "horror" part of the Amnesia crossover thing, most people just find it strange and/or intriguing more than anything else. I wonder if I go on to ruin the feeling in the chapters to follow. Let me know, I guess.