• Member Since 8th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Monday

JLB


Any normal person would have stopped bothering by now.

T
Source

Equestria has survived horrible disasters and overcome cruel tyrants over the course of thousands of years. No matter the danger, it persevered through the magic of friendship. It is a bright, colorful world, and its pillars are kindness, loyalty, generosity, honesty, laughter and magic.

If so, why is it so empty, bleak and abandoned?

Why do horrid visions plague his mind, pouring through into reality?

And why can't he remember his own name?

Approved by Twilight's Library.

---

Proofread by BookMarkofCanterlot. Without his assistance, this story would most likely have taken a few more... years to come out. Realistically speaking.

Most editing and Google Doc conversion by BLACK M3SA.

Cover art by Squji.

This is a cross-over with the Amnesia game series. Do mind, however, that if you are not familiar with the universe, it is not an issue - the most you will be missing out on is going to be a few references and the realization that the plot of the story is less original than it might seem. In case you feel utterly confused, then don't be hasty in blaming it on the crossover - it probably means that I did what I intended to do. Venturing into spoiler territory, this story does not contain any characters from the Amnesia game series, or Amnesia-related media for that matter. By TVTropes' standarts (I sincerely apologize for the mention, but take no responsibility for the countless hours you are likely to spend browsing it), it is an Elsewhere Fic for Amnesia. Yes, I am aware that links shine through spoilers. Bummer.

In another important detail that counts as a spoiler, the "Gore" tag does not stand for "Torture Porn". This story has significantly less body horror than any of the Amnesia titles. Granted, there are going to be a few squicky parts, but nothing horribly outrageous. Cupcakes veterans will be disappointed.

The dialogue formating has been reported to cause readers severe nausea, anxiety and an occasional death. Unfortunately, dashes ended up being the most optimal choice in the long run. Inner monologue uses quotation marks and spoken lines use em-dashes.

The story is going to be updated a chapter per week, as long as I have access to something that has a semblance of an Internet connection.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 82 )

Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?

JLB

4856466 Physical violence isn't a particularly hot trend, I fear.

So we've got Blue voice, full of questions, Purple voice, full of... concern, or possibly sarcasm, and Grey voice, assertive and dominant. Man this guy has some issues to work out...

There isn't much to work with as of yet, the plot is only beginning and I can't really have a fair say at what it's going to entail. "Reviewing" it would be more speculative than anything at this point. What I can say however, is that I am intrigued by your writing style. It's intellectually written, and very... invasive... shall I say? It's written in such a way that is both interesting, but also painful to read. I do not mean that it is written poorly, but were Amnesia to ever be put to the pen and paper I'd believe it'd be done in such a way as to resemble this. I found myself going over the chapters again after finishing to make sure that I understood them properly and to get a good grasp at what was going on. If there is one thing that I can truly appreciate so earlier into the story, it is how convincing the mental trauma and confusion really are.

Also, I have to give credit to the voices. Funnily enough, they reminded me of some Polandball comics from their deranged and broken 'engrish', but that's beside the point. They each are distinct from each other, yet still seem to have that common uneasiness about them. So that in that regard, you've done handling the additional "characters" very well so far.

That's about all I can say for now, I'll comment again on the next chapter.

JLB

4886374

It's intellectually written, and very... invasive... shall I say? It's written in such a way that is both interesting, but also painful to read.

Well, I am impressed. Mostly with myself. That was the intention. There was a lot of wanton cruelty against common grammar in order to make the story feel uneasy. Being inspired by the writing in Amnesia also helped. This is pretty far off my usual writing style (approximately 100% less non-sequetirs).

Also, I have to give credit to the voices. Funnily enough, they reminded me of some Polandball comics from their deranged and broken 'engrish', but that's beside the point.

Interesting. The inspiration behind the Errors' vocal pattern was more among the lines of the Taken from Alan Wake. I'll also mention that they're even freakier in Google Docs (which is why you should check that version out), as the original also had them use different fonts.

So that in that regard, you've done handling the additional "characters" very well so far.

Hmmm. I won't be so sure to call this statement completely true. For various reasons.

That's about all I can say for now, I'll comment again on the next chapter.

Which is very (in)convenient, because it's up right now - complete coincidence. You can wait if you want to.

This is quite an interesting read. I'd be lying if I didn't chuckle at the Rainbow Dash part.
:rainbowlaugh:
Still, the whole story is... a rarity, to say the least. :raritywink:
What I mean to say is, it's just as off putting as before. For me personally, it is not as much creepy as it is hostile, which I suppose is peculiar in a sense. From what is described, everything is wrong. If everything is wrong, then wrong is itself wrong. In the dawn of Entropy, the first thing to fall to Entropy is Entropy herself, just try wrapping your mind around that.
I didn't once feel disturbed, but I did feel threatened by the writing. The way that it is written, it carries this harsh edge. I'm at a loss of words for how to explain it, but you're pulling off what works for Amnesia. Lovecraft's horrors were terrifying because they were beyond comprehension, so powerful that your only hope was that you overlooked you, like a human stepping over an ant. The monstrosities of Amnesia, as well as what you're successfully putting into the story, are a focused lot. You are not only stuck with a being that is beyond your feeble comprehension, you are stuck with a being beyond your feeble comprehension that hates you.
It's kind of sickening, seeing how out of touch he is and still following along with all the emotions and words given to him by the voices, which seem to be both parts of himself and something else entirely.

JLB

4886901

I didn't once feel disturbed, but I did feel threatened by the writing. The way that it is written, it carries this harsh edge.

Again, go me - that was the exact intention. Granted, I did end up putting in something for those who like them some cupcakes, but this has always been the idea. I hope I don't drop it in later chapters, because I know for a fact that the writing style there changes over time. The EM-O-Meter certainly goes off much more when I hover it over the later ones.

From what is described, everything is wrong. If everything is wrong, then wrong is itself wrong. In the dawn of Entropy, the first thing to fall to Entropy is Entropy herself, just try wrapping your mind around that.

Why, that all depends on what exactly you percieve to be "wrong". First there is the subversion of all, and then there is a nudging desparity that can't be left ignored. And then there are... worse things.

It's kind of sickening, seeing how out of touch he is and still following along with all the emotions and words given to him by the voices, which seem to be both parts of himself and something else entirely.

Yeah, the least you could say is that he's of two minds on most things that have been happening.

4886976

Why, that all depends on what exactly you percieve to be "wrong". First there is the subversion of all, and then there is a nudging desparity that can't be left ignored. And then there are... worse things.

Throughout, he often notes how things are out of place or are "wrong". If he perceives everything as to be wrong, it is an eventuality that one would come to where they start to doubt if their own perception of wrongness remains right. I see what you mean though and if my studies of psychology and sociology have taught me anything, there are much worse states of minds to have. And many worse paths of perversion into the depths as well...

After deliberation, it is decided this story deserves a like and a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png

Eh, and have a fav on it too.

..aaaaaand that's why it's best to always wait for an admin. Congratz!

JLB

4901825
4902311 Indeed. I suppose I had my right to be doubtful of the chances, but all is well, at the end of the day. I guess it's a good sign when your first attempt at a fanfic ends up with a ribbon.

Now, pehaps, I'll even dig my way out of the, uhm... numerical indifference in order.

4902337
Enjoy your ribbon :twilightsmile:

Now, pehaps, I'll even dig my way out of the, uhm... numerical indifference in order.

If you're talking about low views, I might suggest moving away from the gdocs. The formatting in the FimFic viewer was serviceable, and people who go straight to your gdoc are not adding to your view count. For all you know, you could have 1000 views and the site would never register it. Also, if people are reading in Gdocs, they are not presented with the like, fav, or comment buttons at the end of the chapter, so they are less likely to leave their approval/feedback. Just something to consider.

JLB

4902511

If you're talking about low views, I might suggest moving away from the gdocs.

Well... maybe. I assumed that it wouldn't be such a turn-off - you do need to scroll down the description to find the info, and if you've read it in the author's notes then you at least opened the chapter.

Also, if people are reading in Gdocs, they are not presented with the like, fav, or comment buttons at the end of the chapter, so they are less likely to leave their approval/feedback. Just something to consider.

I considered all of that, but it seemed to me that whoever bothered to scroll down far enough and/or open the link in the author's notes would have it in them to comment/fav/like/watch. It's a good point, though. I don't think I'll get rid of them, but I think I'll try to word it differently.

4903030

Well... maybe. I assumed that it wouldn't be such a turn-off - you do need to scroll down the description to find the info, and if you've read it in the author's notes then you at least opened the chapter.

:facehoof: Right, I completely spaced that last bit. I feel silly now.

I am mortified, disgusted and apaulled.

Oh, worry not, none of these feelings are towards your story, merely the 'Numerical Indifference' surronding it.

This story is perhaps among the most interesting and well thought out tales that I've had the pleasure of stumbling upon.

And yet, at the time of my writing this, it holds only 77 views to it's name! To make circumstances even more unbelievable, it even has a dislike!

I simply cannot understand how literally weeks worth of effort and planning, can simply be thrust out of spotlight in exchange for silly clopfics and other such nonsense.

I too feel your pain friend, my most popular story, Dread Shadows, holds merely 22 likes to it's name and perhaps 150 views (50 of which were most likely my own as I set to work editing the first chapter). Perhaps I am being slightly too zealous, however I can certainly sympthasize with your situation.

Well, my rant is over.

All angry thoughts asides, I cannot wait to read the rest of this story!

JLB

4923260

and perhaps 150 views (50 of which were most likely my own as I set to work editing the first chapter)

Well, that's unlikely. Author views only count on separate chapter pages, the proper number only counts them for one.

And thanks for the support. It's been morbidly humorous and really depressing at the same time. Hard to find words to describe it, because the wrong ones will make it look like I'm begging for views, and people really don't like that (for good reason). I'll just say that I never expected it to be anywhere near popular, but what's currently happening...

Let's just say that all the plans I had for cryptic foreshadowing in comments have been rendered moot. Because there are virtually no comments. It may look like 14, but in actuality it's just three people. And half of them are the Twilight's Library reviewers.

Oh shit son! I like this a lot!

4923981
Well, I made a post about this on my FimFic blog thingy. Although I don't think it helped you out too much, I suppose it's the thougt that counts right?

JLB

4937288 Yeah it does, thanks for that. All this whining in the comments sure isn't winning me any fans, so hey, maybe we could get into substance if you want to.

4937298
Heh, I'm afraid I'm unsure of what 'substance' is refering to.

Apologies if it's blatantly obvious. :raritywink:

JLB

4937317 By that I mean that we could stop scaring whoever reads the comment section (hello people, and try not to look at all this desperate housewife business) and instead start... doing the same, via story discussion. I'm pretty sure I've put enough in there to make theorycrafting and impressions easy to form. It's more or less the reason I put this out for public reading, to see what people think as things develop... which kinda didn't happen. Much.

Guten Tag.
Sorry for not posting a comment sooner, for some odd reason I thought I already had on this chapter, but I'll take the time to just surmise my thoughts here. For one, I'm noticing a strange relation in your writing. Perhaps it's my own understanding of your work, or the fact that I'm starting to notice subtle changes here and there, but the story is becoming more... coherent, for the lack of a better term. The writing style isn't as challenging or ludicrous anymore, that is to say how insane it was meant to be written, but if anything the dementia displayed has definitely gone up. It's quite cryptic, and still very hostile for the reader. Not necessarily a bad thing in my eyes, being a show of skill and knowledge in this genre and literature in general.

Moving on into the story itself, I have differing opinions. I understand that the general future is hard to deduce here, taking the concept of effectively one long, interactive assault on the mind and dragging it out into the written word, but I've found myself stumped on what to say of the story. What is it? I'm not sure. There's an orb, Fixer and a bunch of "voices" stalking him all the time. There is a lot more detail to it than that of course, but the only cohesive explanation that I could give would simply be a link back to the first chapter. It's still quite radical to read and I cannot give a proper thought one way or the other regarding the plot. It's very well done, but there is too little to effectively speak of.

Also, I just loved the conversation at the end. It provides so much insight into Fixer as a character. Up until this point, he has had very little voice in the story, just ,(understandably so,) freaking out at the near Lovecraftian world that he perceives around him and trying to get through it. Overall, I'd say it was quite the brilliant chapter to read. Do continue, bitte.
:twilightsmile:

JLB

4938364

The writing style isn't as challenging or ludicrous anymore, that is to say how insane it was meant to be written, but if anything the dementia displayed has definitely gone up.

That was inevitable and part of the plan. The opening chapters were supposed to be limitlessly confusing - they start the mystery off and begin to branch the story. Chapter 4 is where it begins to actually develop, so it's probably a good idea to have the reader have a faint understanding of what the hell is going on. As you said, for how much happened, there's damn little that we can know for sure.

There's an orb, Fixer and a bunch of "voices" stalking him all the time.

You can just call them Errors already, that's the official term.

For what it's worth, I know for a fact that Chapter 5 is going to clear a few things out, as it's the midpoint culmination of events. In fact, Chapter 5 is going to be the dealbreaker for the story. If only because I'm pretty sure that it's the most disturbing one one my own list of chapters.

And I wrote it.

4940216 I'm not sure whether to be happy about that, or concerned. Going to read it either way. Also, I understood the intent in your writing, (for the most part, I'm not stupid / egotistical to think I know what you have been and are planning,) but I just wanted to confirm. Regarding you, and this story as a whole, everything is a "probably but remember to check", at least for me. It's great to learn and read about insanity, not so much to lose it in the process though.


Perhaps what I like most about this story, is that it's so difficult to read. By that I mean that it is incredibly difficult to fully grasp what is happening, there were many times when I had to ask myself if what he was going through was entirely in his own mind. The story is cryptic in many places, forcing the reader to try and figure out what's going on by him/herself, instead of being force fed by the author. The English used is far beyond superb, outdoing perhaps any other author which I've come upon whilst on this site.

Well, well, I finally finished re-reading this chapter. I should do that more often, as I appreciate your work a lot more upon the seconding reading. The little touches make such a big difference. Now, onto what I have to say.

I do particularly like Fixer-(what an appropriate name)-'s reactions to the continually developing/regressing world. Going through the story again, the line between delusions and perverted reality is heavily blurred. I have what I hope to be a good grasp on what is going on, but how it's executed is brilliant. I also thoroughly enjoyed his contact with a Victim. Considering how every single thing that he's ever encountered seemed to be tormenting, the pause that he was given when tasked to murder it was quite... no words for that really, just excellent.

The interacting with the Errors is quite interesting as well. Throughout the story, not one of them has ever attacked him. They have been harsh indeed, but they've also been his driving point throughout the story, what was keeping him moving. Regardless of how he reacts, in this case through deep rooted, hellish insanity, he needs them. They're a reluctant ally, from what I can tell, that he fears, despises, can't stand but also must follow if he wishes to be anything more than a Victim. Even in acting against them, it's the small fragment of clairvoyance that keeps him from losing himself entirely to madness. Even with being generally welcomed by an Error in person- err, pony, he still holds this interesting dynamic with them. In all honesty I have no idea how this relationship will develop further with them, only that it's going to get quite a lot worse for him the longer that they interact. Quite a violent ending here, given what just happened in the chapter, but it's not the last that we've seen of them.

I'd like to continue, but I'm required elsewhere. I'll make a note, (physically,) to come back and continue with my thoughts.

JLB

4995607

Considering how every single thing that he's ever encountered seemed to be tormenting, the pause that he was given when tasked to murder it was quite... no words for that really, just excellent.

Good to know. I assumed that she shift could possibly have been a little too rough and fast.

In all honesty I have no idea how this relationship will develop further with them, only that it's going to get quite a lot worse for him the longer that they interact. Quite a violent ending here, given what just happened in the chapter, but it's not the last that we've seen of them.

That is overall a good point - enemies become somewhat boring if they are all about the same thing. Something to spice them up is normally required. Additional motivations, perspective screws, maybe even an alliance. There you are right.

And there's a new chapter out now, too. By pure coincidence, as always. So the remainder of the thoughts on this one might need to blend into the next if you feel like continuing to be one out of two people who still comment on this..

Reading this new chapter,I have a bit more to comment on regarding the Errors. As time moves on, they're evolving, at least from a narrative point of view. The description of their forms, if that's even the proper term, and the area that they effect has becoming steadily more detailed. Despite the lack of expected hostility, from some of them anyways, it's quite easy to see why they are perceived as so dangerous.

The thing that I'm most interested in, and what I wanted to discuss to earlier,is Fixer's relationship with the world around him. It seems as though he is out of synch with the rest of reality, to a point anyways. When looking at a world like this, then seeing him, it's clear to tell that Fixer simply doesn't belong there. Even with Error's attempt to 'befriend' him, it is still a terrifying experience. Good intentions or not, an Error is Lovecraftian in all but name. With mere movements, it destroys the reality around it and gradually forces the previous one to match its own. It's like Cthulhu showing up and asking to play video games. He could be the nicest guy that you ever met, but his very presence is so vastly beyond your own comprehension that even knowing of him drives you insane. While the Errors, (thankfully for Fixer,) don't have his monolithic, nation sized, form, they're presence is effectively just as destructive.

Then there's the Victim's and the Aberrations, which are appearing much more often in the story. With all the foreshadowing being done here, it wouldn't surprise me if you just turned around and said he is one of them but simply delusional. Why does he survive and remain, (somewhat,) cohesive, but the rest perish and suffer? What makes him different to the perversions around him? With how the Errors are effectively to blame for everything, how he constantly is hounded by them, and their effect on distorting both reality and illusion into one, is the only difference how self aware they are of their current condition? Just me rambling, but I think that you took something really good and have improved it into something truly great. This is novel worthy fanfiction. Not something that is said often, but this is seriously proof that you need to publish your own book.

JLB

5002154

Even with Error's attempt to 'befriend' him, it is still a terrifying experience.

The act itself is doubtful. Can we really judge its intentions? They operate on a plane very distant from ours. You may just strip the circumstances regarding the details and it still would not go all that well. Perhaps they are, after all, wrong in each every way, despite the circumstancial evidence pointing otherwise...

Then there's the Victim's and the Aberrations,

Now here you've just got the plurals all wrong. In various ways.

This is novel worthy fanfiction. Not something that is said often, but this is seriously proof that you need to publish your own book.

Unfortunately, with the amount of swears I NECESSARILY have to put into anything I write, and with how I consistently rely on off-format fonts, colors and sizes (WHICH ARE THE MOST PAINFUL THING IN THE WORLD DURING GOOGLE DOCS CONVERTION), I am pretty sure that none would want to even edit that.

Besides, all I've ever written and will ever write is going to be fan fiction. I am remarkably incapable of creating something wholly of my own - it has to have an existing basis, even if the end result will stray far from it.

Ah, so we definitely have some kind of progression going on here. Error wants to help! How kind of her! I find it slightly peculiar that beings that are effectively Lovecraftian horrors don't have the capability to fix things themselves, but I'll trust that it will be explained by you eventually. Or not, I mean it's just as fascinating either way. The idea that the Errors not only have amnesia themselves, but are also trapped in Fixer's world as well is an interesting one. They're too weak to control their effects on the world around them, they're more conduits of their own power than actual self controlled beings. At least from what I've read so far.

Then we have this odd ending, where the Victims are bowing before Fixer. Seeing as how he was running from these guys, and with good reason, I can honestly say that I didn't see this coming. I suspected that there would eventually be some kind of understanding between them, but not something like this. It makes one wonder, if he was not the villain the entire time. The more we learn about these creatures, the Errors, Aberrations, Victims, the more they seem to actually be sympathetic. Given just the effects of their presence, it's easy to understand why he would flee and despise them,but it only makes me think of what it looked like from their point of view. Given his warped and perverted senses that the world has given him, it wouldn't surprise me if he was a close cousin to the monstrosities that occupy the pseudo reality that he's in.

I'd like to discuss more, but unfortunately I'm sick and can't think properly at this moment. When I'm feeling better, I'll be sure to add more to this comment. Or, if it takes that long, make a very long comment on the newest chapter.

JLB

5030039

I find it slightly peculiar that beings that are effectively Lovecraftian horrors don't have the capability to fix things themselves, but I'll trust that it will be explained by you eventually.

It's good to have immense power. It's... slightly less than optimal when that power is infinitely greater than any understanding of it, yours included, could be. It's highly inconvenient, in fact. Denial and escapism are likely scenarios.

The more we learn about these creatures, the Errors, Aberrations, Victims, the more they seem to actually be sympathetic.

I wonder how the Aberration could be sympathetic. All we've seen so far was the cover from the book.

And do get well.

4856489 shit, you can kiss your sanity goodbye and hope to hell there is some Ritalin on hand.

JLB

5113041 I'd suggest superglue instead.

Hmm, most interesting indeed. It has my interest. It had it when you started to describe the Golden Oaks library in an "abandoned ruins" state.

I think my favorite is when you get down into using short, crisp, sentences. I feel like a lot of writers that attempt to write anything "dark" or about "horror" get far too invested in detail and gore.

But simple sentences. Short. Crisp. Can instill as much fear into the reader as it does to the character.

I have a few guesses on who our mysterious blue voiced guest is. I'm looking at Rainbow Dash - since it started to occur next to a window she famously breaks through all the time. Trixie, because the voice is blue and somehow magic is being used. Or Twilight because it is or was her home.

Anyways, off to read the rest, but I want the cover of darkness to appear first.

JLB

5119700 Short sentences is something I've developed while trying to pace the story out. They normally come out far too long and boring, so post-editing gives us this. Admittedly, as time went on, I developed an opposite problem, and now half the sentences are gut-kicks to the reader.

And, well... I'll spoil one thing - one of these three is nowhere near important enough to be playing that part.

Hmm... I sort of expected Rarity to appear as a Suitor. (Unless I totally overlooked something)

It got a little confusing for me at times while reading. I had to double back and check a few points a couple of times. Like we went from the Golden Oaks to the Boutique now, suddenly.

The atmosphere is good, in my opinion. Creepy, dark, and it isn't difficult to imagine seeing.

JLB

5121240

Hmm... I sort of expected Rarity to appear as a Suitor. (Unless I totally overlooked something)

No, you didn't. Justine is the Amnesia game that got the least cross-over exposure in A:TE. Though some... things later may be reminiscent.

Like we went from the Golden Oaks to the Boutique now, suddenly.

Get used to it. Reality is... infrequent, as the chapter says. Heh. It'll more or less be explained later on.

I'll point out one important thing for now - this is, well... a bare-bones crossover. This is done in the style of Amnesia, and isn't a retelling of any of the games, and it doesn't feature any of the characters. It is, however, part of the Amnesia universe. It shares... items, so to speak. So don't expect Alexander, the Suitors, or Servant Grunts. You can expect a lantern, though, or a journal. Or... more.

Ahh, something physically creepy appears at last. Honestly, i thought it was going to be Fluttershy at first, but then it was her. She made a nice victim.

Right now, I'm under the impression that this is mentally happening for him.

Small misuse of a word.

part disconnected from the scull

*skull.

Scull is actually a pair of small oars.

JLB

5121396

Honestly, i thought it was going to be Fluttershy at first, but then it was her. She made a nice victim.

Her? I wonder who.

Finally, this had managed to throw someone off.

And the "scull" thing... I type really really fast, and SEVEN re-edits later some things stay as they were. It may get worse in later chapters. Those only had three.

5121396

We'll talk about this game after work. Maybe it'll help you understand this story better. You have to admit though, this is better than the other one on fan fiction that turned into clip half way through.

JLB

5121534 Hm. Not sure what the connection between you and Blood Lord is, but when and if you explain, do try to either mention A Machine for Pigs extensively, or not mention it at all. It is by far the most tightly connected Amnesia story. Some plot elements I picked from it shamelessly.

Still, this is more of an Amnesian what-if for Equestria that follows the same concepts and threads that I believe an Amnesia game would. Much like TDD, Justine and AMFP, it has a leitmotif, its own symbolism, its own idea and its own horrors. You may just read it without any previous Amnesia knowledge, and the only thing it'll change will be a few references and a certain plot point that is still explained well enough (I think) to fit in properly.

My opinion is different. I don't like how difficult it is to read all of this. Keeping track of what is going on hurts, and I find myself skipping paragraphs at a time just to find some sort of relevance or clarity in any of this. Something to grasp. The "terror" level is gone for me. I can't relate to the character anymore and I don't really feel any emotions when reading this particular work. I really enjoy reading stories that make you think, curious about what is to happen next, and guessing at what the next chapter will hold. But I don't find that with this story. Having to back track so many times, ask myself what is going on, looking into the situation, it's... well, more of a chore then I want when I sit down and read. Heck, the next chapter could be about Pinkie Pie going to the dentist and it would still make as much sense in the flow of things as all the other chapters have.

I want to go places when I read. I want to be able to lay back, relax, and be able to envision the events in my head. Either that is the author spoon feeding me every detail (see Night's Favoured Child) or leaving just enough to be able to inspire my own mind to draw the picture(Princess Twilight Sparkle's 500th Birthday). I like both ways, but I want to go somewhere that isn't my desk. I want to be intrigued, but I don't want to have to think. I am thinking in this story just to try and understand the story.

I think that is the issue, the main issue with your story and the low views on it - it's difficult to read. I know that the game goes like this, you have stated it, and apparently you have done it very well with some of the comments that I have read. You managed to capture the attention of a few with this work and made them very pleased with it. So considering that you got this close to the game's telling to mimic it like this, I'd consider that a great success already. You fulfilled your intent with the story if it was to get on the same track as the game.

(No idea, have yet to play Amnesia.)

JLB

5133677 Yeah, that part was something that I considered. And nothing can be done about it. It's just how it is. It's not even the actual confusion - it's the assumed confusion, it's all that you do not know. I purposedly dug that hole.

In-game, it is helped by the soundtrack, the visuals, and the gameplay - here, all I have is the story and the pacing. Plus, the fact that some people find interest in connecting the events. I'm glad to see that you find that point as well, being, apparently, one of the few who have disliked the story. And the only one whom I've seen comemnt on that.

I have no idea what I'd done wrong to make the progression uninteresting, though. There are two plot lines (the current events and the flashbacks), which both progress each time, and as far as I'm concerned, their development is relatively intriguing. I don't understand what's gone so wrong for it to just lose the appeal. I guess I don't hold much ground, being the author, but I don't see how that criticism is justified. There has been a lot of streamlining done to the plot, and I don't think it can go any further.

At least I know that it has - it's more than I got for other ones.

Interesting. Better than the last chapter. I think what is driving me is wanting to know how everything became like this.

I felt like the transitions were smoother in this one than in the past chapters. It wasn't as scattered and felt more streamlined.

JLB

5133767 This is the midpoint and my personal favorite chapter. This is where we stop getting THAT many new questions and instead start solving them. I'm glad to know that worked - I was afraid you'd give up after the last one, which was the last so-called establisher.

It's going to get clearer with each chapter from here on out... not that I won't add more questions and/or twists.

Hmm, nothing really to add to this one. Interesting that he killed Pinkie Pie.

Hmm. I had to read this chapter a few times to see if I missed anything. The ending seems weird for this chapter.

JLB

5150041 It is, but there's reason behind it. Pretty much the very next chapter explains why it happens. It was a sort of a hook back when it came out. Aside from that, this one really is rather straightforward - both of them are. Now, starting with the eighth one, things start to get a bit messier, and you will need to read between the lines a few times for best effect.

A bit of a shame that 6 wasn't that impactful, I find it to be one of my personal favorites. Then again, that's mostly because I had so much trouble quitting that particular scene... Oh I could write that forever. Yep. Not a fan of her.

(Seriously, use the dark setting when reading this. It's not to make it more spooky)

I'm done reading this. I did get curious about Amnesia and the atmosphere, so I'm watching some gameplay videos of it. I know, I know "Why don't you just go play it?". Well, because Mass Effect 3.

I want to watch a little bit of these before I come back and write more thoughts on the story. I do think it is a pretty decent story, but there were issues I had from time to time with it. Issues I hope to be able to put to bed with these videos.

JLB

5162273 Um... I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Hand one, I got you to check the game out, hand two, apparently the fic is too confusing without it... which it shouldn't have been.

I will, for now, assume that it being a crossover just messes with people's heads and causes them to assume things that aren't true but which I can't disprove very well until the fic is at its end. That was something I'd accepted long ago, and a sad truth. I fear that if you did have extensive issues, they are probably caused by the story, as Amnesia mostly lended the basis of the plot, the idea of flashbacks, and some of the writing style in sentences. If so, I hope you'll say what it was.

I just hope it'll stay interesting to the end.

5162315

I want to see how the story and the game stand when compared to each other. How close they are, feels in atmosphere, plot, emotion generation, things like that. To see and understand how much it had a helping hand. Nothing really in interpretation of story.

Crossovers can be a tricky bunch, imho. The author has to not only create a world, but merge two different (sometimes completely different) pieces together into one coherent mass. This mass has to be faithful to two different universes, enjoyable for fans of both, and easy to understand/explain to people unfamiliar with with the crossing verse. That's just the setting issues, then you have to balance all the other issues that writers commonly face across the spectrum - characters in character, grammar, spelling, and interesting story.

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