• Member Since 7th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 days ago

fan fantastic


male with female friend

T
Source

A crack has appeared in the sky and a strange city floating has come out of it?

who lives there what is this place?

all we know is that Equestria and the rest of the would will never be the same

SE may have S5
[it is not a clop story]

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

oh hay Twi

Oh hey Twi

number 1 assistant

number one assistant

sitting in here for some time now are you ok?

for some time now, are you okay?

Recheck this chapter and you'll see what else you need to correct.

Please just capitalize the beginning of a sentence! Also:

can we have that in not egghead please

This makes absolutely no sense.

So in conclusion, fix your grammar problems. Then you have a better chance at getting some likes. :twilightsmile:

It had been a month since that day her home had been turned into ash not much had been left at the time but now a young sapling grows in where a grate Tree filled with books use to stand.

Okay, this sentence seems a bit long. Like way way too long. Maybe, you can do something like, “It had been a month since the (The may sound better than That) day her home had been turned into ash. Not much had been left at the time, but now a young sapling grows in where a great (Great, I think you mean great.) Tree filled with books use to stand.

Twilight had just finely got over that her old home was now gone but for today she now sat in her new castle thinking about the last quest that her new magic table had given her until there was a sudden knocking at her bedroom door?

Again, too long, and a few grammatical errors.
Maybe this?

Twilight had just finally got over the fact (do you like that extra thing? Sounds a bit better.) that her old home was now gone, but for today she just (you approve?) sat in her new castle thinking about the last quest that her new magic table had given her, until there was a sudden knocking at her bedroom door. (A question mark does not apply here)

broken from her musings she trotted over to see who it was.

Grammar:

Broken from her musings, she trotted over to see who it was.

I like how you used the word “musings” BTW.

"oh hay Twi you have been sitting in here for some time now are you ok?"

That sounds a bit awkward, how about this:

"Oh (uh?maybe add an “uh” here to keep that touch of friendly awkardness hey Twi. You have been sitting in here for some time now, are you ok?"

Twilight look down to see her number 1 assistant the young drake Spike

>>>>

Twilight looked down to see her number one (a lot of authors here find it annoying to use numbers when there is a word.) assistant, the young drake, Spike

"I am ok Spike just going over some recent events. why is something worrying you?"

>>>>>>?

"I am ok, Spike. Just going over some recent events. Why? Is something worrying you?"

I just think that sounds a bit more realistic. ^^^

the yong dragon blinked for a second as Twilight stepped into the hall.

>>>>maybe>>>>>?

The young dragon blinked for a second as Twilight stepped into the hall.

"well I just have this bad feeling nothing much has happened lately except when the mail mare crashed into Discord when he was on top of town hall but that was bound to happen. any way I just feel like some pony is watching us!"

The first sentence is confusing and long. Do you really need that extra Derpy/Discord thing? I don't want to go too far, so I won't edit it out.

"Well, I just have this bad feeling. Nothing much has happened lately, except when the mail mare crashed into Discord when he was on top of town hall, but that was bound to happen. Anyway, I just feel like some pony is watching us..."

I personally think adding three continuous periods suits it and makes it seem more realistic than an exclamation point. :)

"Oh Spike, whatever comes up, I am sure that we can deal with it. Now come on, we need to move some more books from the Everfree castle"

Question: do you mean the castle in the Everfree, as in “The Castle Of The Two Sisters” or “we need to move some more books from the Everfree to the castle,”?

And last one:

"ok Twi this just feels big that's all"
Spike said as they pass down the hall.

"Ok, Twi. This just feels big, that's all." Spike said as they passed (is this story happening in present tense, or past tense?) down the hall.

Well, that's it! Did the top, took me forty minutes cause I did on my iPhone, hope this isn't too...uh... Strict on you or anything, and hope it helps you or gives you a reference! :3 Have a nice day! ^.^

Spelling errors. Spelling errors everywhere. And grammatical errors as well. Check the Writers Guide and it'll help, trust me

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