A Brony from Colombia that enjoys writing and reading about ponies.
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Additional tags: F/F crack shipping, Rule 63(Only applies to Fancy Pants.)
Applejack had everything planned:
1)A quick visit to her Aunt and Uncle in Manehattan.(Check)
2)Spend the weekend with them. (Impossible at the moment)
3)Return to Ponyville. (Nope)
This story was written for the July/August contest of Random Romance.
I gender swapped Fancy Pants just because I like F/F and wanted to participate in the contest.
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4833722 While writting this fic, the thought of making it a clop crossed my mind, but I couldn't. The random romance rules says that the fics for the contests must be rated teen or below. I could always write a sequel, "One day in Canterlot", and write whatever I feel like writing.
It was an okay story. I was rather distracted by grammar errors, I found too many to post, so I also highly recommend getting an editor, someone who can help you with not just your grammar but also your characterization and dialogue as well. Applejack seemed really out of character at the hotel when she became really irrational. I understand that your English isn't great but could you please be sure to double check with someone before posting? It would make the entire story less jarring. I also didn't understand why you had changed Fancy Pant's name to Regal Splendour, that seemed a little odd to me.
Also I was rather confused when you just cut to the different scenes so suddenly. I thought since it was set in Manehatten I would get to read about the sights, the sounds and the bustling city as Applejack walked around. But instead you missed the opportunity to slow down the pacing of the story a little bit and made it feel a little fast.
The dialogue felt out of character, some of the things Regal and Applejack were saying seemed out of place for them and if Regal is the most influential pony in Canterlot surely she would be able to afford five star accommodation? I mean, wouldn't she be able to afford something a little nicer than a one room with only bed and not even a couch?
I write this from a non-objective point of view by the way but overall a decent story and I wish you the best of luck in the competition.
- Crystal Secret
4837597
This days, is hard to find an editor, without the groups notifications, it's hard to contact others that are willing to edit a story.
Reason why I Made Fancy Pants name Regal Splendor in this fic, just because. No reason behind it, I just wanted to do so.
Yeah, I guess I could have passed myself better, I will have to make some re-writing to this.
The thing about the room with only one bed. Regal had already reserved the room before meeting Applejack, I guess I will have to make that clear.
And finally, about some dialogues, I will see what I can do about that.
don't remember canterlot unicorns being this nice
This story read leagues smoother than your first TwiShy ship. Either you're successful in finding a proofreader, or you really are improving as a writer. Keep up the good works, e-2.
4857403 No one edited this story, so I guess I'm getting better.
Thanks for the comment.
You most certainly need an editor. You say to mention any mistakes, but I'm sorry to say they are too many to do so in a comment box.
To be honest, I saw too many errors to really let me get into this. I'm not talking grammatical errors – there were plenty of them, but I take them with a grain of salt considering that, as you said, your English isn't perfect. No, what bothered me was the rapidity of the relationship and the plot holes. Is there any reason whatsoever to believe that Applejack couldn't have gone to see Babs Seed and her family for help?
AJ's attraction to Regal was painfully abrupt. It would have helped significantly had we known about her interest in Rarity much earlier. Seeing her almost break down in tears because she couldn't see Regal and ask her out on a date felt forced; one doesn't start crying just because they didn't ask out a pony they met a few hours ago. This is a crush, not an epic romantic struggle ending in catastrophe. Regal's response to AJ also felt weak, particularly because there was no clue whatsoever about her attraction to Applejack. This made the romantic tension entirely one-sided, and thus deadened the effect significantly while making Regal's confession feel rushed.
Another thing that hurt the experience was the extrapolation. You explained things, things that didn't need to be explained, things that could have been subtly hinted at for superior results. The number of times I saw you telling me needless details left me cringing. There is a time and a place for extrapolation, but you had neither.
Nothing bothered me more about this story than the dialogue. It felt... almost robotic. This was especially true in the case of Regal, who seemed to have a very automated, unemotional way of saying things. I'm trying to keep from being too critical about it, though, as I suspect it has more to do with your tenuous grasp of the language than anything.
All in all, this story was nice, but not spectacular. I think if you could find yourself an editor to clean up the mistakes it would have been much, much better.
Hmm. The story is salvageable, but it needs some serious trimming. I'd say just go through this story and cut all the excess. There's a bad tendency to state the obvious, or restate things. Everything Paul said applies, but yeah, I'd say the main problem is that the focus of the story keeps shifting around. Not that I'm much of an excellent source. I think all of us beginners have these problems to some degree. Keep honing your edge. Good luck.
That was a nice little story. Crack ships galore! Any chance you plan on continuing this story later? I liked it that much.
5554337 Not right now. I'm working in a one shot, and after that I'm planing a different story, so...
I hope some time in the future I will write a second part for this, but I promise nothing.
5554344 Oh, OK was just wondering. I know I'm late on the band wagon but I had a lot of stories to read and I'm currently writing too. Anyways good luck! I'll check out the others you have written.
I could actually see this as a promising ship, provided if it was a slow burn. This fic could have actually expanded a bit more, instead of just the dinner they shared. It seems promising
Crackshipping is often the best kind. Fascinating to consider odd pairings.