Glummson, A crocadon without magic (almost like a unicorn without magic) Goes on a quest to discover an ancient and dark power for his king. But after finding it, he is unaware of how it will change his destiny forever.
Join him on his trek through the deserts and through his home kingdom as he tries to become something greater than a simple outcast by wielding darkness in it's greatest form, the elements of strife.
(A fanficion for the Equestria daily summer contest: outsiders insight summer fanfic contest)
Chapters (1)
There were a few typos that, while not misspelled, are incorrect in the fashion in which they are used. Also, I am curious about a few points: Why did the 'Elements of Strife' have Nightmare Moon (I'm assuming) in them? Also, if the Elements of Strife rival those of Harmony, then what counters 'Magic'? If you plan to run with this, don't tell me. (I love suspense.
) Write on, good sir. This shows promise! 
My apologies! I'm still trying to learn all the details of full blown writing and I realize my grammar is not the best
As for the Nightmare Moon aspect, it's based on the idea that the elements chose Celestia and Luna. Therefore, if the elements can choose who represents them (proven with Celestia declaring she is detached from them in season two premiere) than why not have other effects? What if the elements of strife inspired Luna's jealousy? Therefore, Luna was the last "herald" so to speak of the elements of strife. Friendship is magic, but what is the opposite of friendship? War, enemies, or hatred. Take your pick 
Right now I do not plan on writing more of this since it was posted for the EQD contest, but idea's of a full blown war has crossed my mind, including a rainbow war between Twilight and Glummson.
And while i have watched the original episode of MLP Gen 1, my idea of a dark rainbow came before I watched it. So i face palmed when I saw that a rainbow of darkness was cannon.
4852132
Yeah I was wondering about that 'dark rainbow' bit. Also fyi, on the sides of the comment boxes on the top, there is a 'double arrow' that looks a little like this (>>). That allows you to reply directly to comments (and this is what I look like at the moment 
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4852431 Oh . . . oops
Thanks for the info. I'll get better at this eventually 
And I'm anxious to read your fiction as well. It's been a crazy night so I can't tonight but I will asap!
I hope you'll avail yourself of this site's writing groups -- WRITE, Authors Helping Authors and the like -- because I see potential in this, though it's a fairly rough first story.
The pace is pretty erratic and it's clear that you are aware of the work ahead of you to fix up some of the grammar issues, etc., but one of the things that stands out immediately is that I finished reading it. Considering how many stories I've given up on while reading my way through this contest, well... 'That's not nothin'', as Mal would say.
I suppose the difference is that, while the bulk of the character emotions are quite forced (it's all about the show vs. tell), the fact remains that stuff is happening. I can't deny that the idea of where you were going with the story kept my attention. Now, as a stand-alone story, I can't give it very high marks because there is very little purpose or reward in the construction of the piece – it's kind of a list of set-ups with no sense of conclusion.
What really amuses me, though, is that the 'elements of strife' are all presented as things that I don't think are particularly negative – or even negative at all, in most cases. The reason this amuses me is that I actually think much the same (in reverse) of the elements of harmony. For example, I've yet to hear a convincing description of why loyalty is supposed to be a positive and worthwhile trait (of course, we know from the Lauren that the elements were just 'whatever sounded right at the time'; they were never meant to be analysed by crackpots like me). Either way, this always amuses me.
3/10 Prompt: Weak
-M
4889920 Thank you for your analysis of my story! I was aware as I was writing it that the characters were weak, and I do apologize for this, I will work on that much much more in my writing, but I wanted to get across the idea I had in my head first and realized as I started editing, I had only a few days left so this story did not get the attention I wanted it to have. I also know I have much to learn about writing and I hope I can create a story that is both engaging and has deep characters.
Thank you for your honesty, I have learned a lot from your criticism. I'm glad I made a three out of ten.
I hope you'll read my future works and provide more advice and story break downs. This comment actually made my day thank you. 
4890078 It's not something you should ever apologise for – not as long as you're doing it as a hobby, at any rate.
4890319 Honestly I'd like to make a career of writing so I can't allow mistakes in future writings. But practice makes PERFECT!!!!