04| Plans
The conversation between Luna and Joseph had an air of tension throughout it. It was because Joseph was telling Luna of horses and ponies from his world, that they were used to pull carts and plough fields, not unlike what ponies here do of their own free will. Luna had a hard time believing that horses from Earth didn’t have the same level of sapience as the ones in Equestria. That said, Joseph had a hard time trying to find a suitable word to convey the comparison between the two species without sounding too insulting. He decided against words like ‘intelligence’ and ‘awareness’, because truth be told, he wasn’t aware of the level of intelligence of horses from Earth. Luna got the message, but the expression on Luna’s face told him that she understood, and continuing that specific conversation had the potential to leave a sour first impression.
With that out of the way, Joseph tried to lighten the mood a little by telling the Princess of the Night a few jokes from his world. He asked her if she knew what a boat was–just to clarify, and she explained that she knew what such vessels were, she herself had not been on one nor did she have use for one. That being said, Luna also explained that they were mostly used centuries ago as ponies migrated to Equestria from other lands, and for trade purposes and so forth.
Intrigued, she listened on.
“There was once a captain of a ship who lead the most fearless crew around. They fought off pirates, and more often than not made their journeys ahead of schedule due to the captains regime and way of doing things. However, he had a strange ritual. Every morning he would lock himself in his quarters, pull out a piece of paper in an envelope, and stare at it for a couple minutes before putting it back in the drawer. The crew all thought it was a letter from a long lost love that he would read to remember her by, at least that was the consensus.
“This continued for years on end until the day came where he eventually passed away. The crew members paid their respects at his funeral and began the next leg of their journey across the seas. The newly appointed captain gathered everyone in the cabin to see if their suspicions about the letter were indeed correct, as it plagued the thoughts of everyone there for a long time. He opened the drawer, pulled out the letter, and read it. Much to his dismay, there were only four words printed on the page, causing his face to drain of all colour as he shakily read the words. Port left. Starboard right.”
As it turned out, Earth humour wasn’t quite understood just yet. Joseph thought that since Luna knew of ships, she might have known terminology used by those involved with boats and the like.
That wasn’t the case.
Joseph had to explain that port was the left side of the boat, and starboard was the right. Essentially the captain was having to remind himself of the ins and outs of the ship in one way or another. The captain didn’t know what he was doing if he had to constantly remind himself.
Luna understood the joke after his explanation, but the humour involved was lost in translation.
A slight grin appeared on Luna’s face as she spoke up. “It is good that, despite your appearance, your demeanour speaks otherwise. It makes me feel at ease that you would attempt to make us laugh. I have no reason to think that you will relapse into what was my former self, although their presence in your mind is… troubling.”
It dawned on him that Joseph had yet to explain that particular situation.
“I’ve not told you about that yet, how did you come to know of it?”
“Celestia told me that their presence is, in a sense, somehow ‘awake’ in your mind.”
Joseph put a hoof to his chin. “I don’t know why exactly, but the idea is that I am keeping this body alive, just like this ‘Miasma’ is keeping me alive. It’s a term on Earth called ‘Symbiosis’, meaning two things cannot live without one another in some shape or form. In my case, or previously yours, The Miasma needs a host to survive. It convinced you to become that which I am in body so it could survive.”
“That makes sense, and why it chose me to begin with, given my weakened state of mind at the time.” Luna looked down, a sorrowful expression on her face.
Joseph noticed something was making the Lunar Princess become increasingly sad. “Something wrong?”
Luna shook her head, apparently clearing her thoughts as if whatever she was thinking about came and went. “I am fine, although my sister is planning to make the public address, but I am not sure that would be wise, given this is a recent matter and seeing certain things still around might be cause for panic.”
Luna went on to explain that Joseph should reconsider his suggestion of revealing himself, and opt for the more subtle approach of using a disguise for a time until things quietened down so the matter could be handled with more discretion. Given ponies had just come out of a period of about several hours of what was night when it was supposed to be day, any sudden appearances of Nightmare Moon were bound to be met with great displeasure.
Of course, when Celestia came back to the room to fetch Joseph and Luna, Luna had convinced Joseph to settle down and get used to the flow of things around Canterlot and in Equestria, and time to figure out his anatomy, magic, and so on. Celestia was rather bittersweet towards the idea, she seemed sure that showing Luna and Nightmare Moon side by side would show that Nightmare Moon are no longer together, that the latter wouldn’t be a problem.
Joseph explained that, even though he means well and has no intention of harming anyone or anything, that doesn’t mean the populace are going to share the same sentiment.
“The idea is this, Princess,” Joseph began. “Luna here offered to disguise me so I can go out and experience the city for a period. It would give me time to adjust and to figure things out in general. That would also give me time to talk to other people to see what their thoughts would be if Nightmare Moon were to walk into their place of business for such a purpose.”
Celestia snickered. “I can only imagine the reaction of patrons if you walked into a cafe or bar and nonchalantly asked for a drink. But I see your point, and I will allow it. I’ll refrain from the public address for the time being and let you two figure out plans. Meanwhile, I have business and matters related to this to sort out. Rest assured nopony outside those that you met when you awoke in the castle the other, myself, Luna, and a few of the guards and staff know about you yet. Feel free to stay another night and I’ll make arrangements.”
Celestia gave a warm smile and then left.
Joseph felt very at ease in his current state. Well, as at ease as one could be given he was a human in the body of a villainous pony. A villainous girl pony, that is. He couldn’t shake the thought of his new equipment, hoping he wouldn’t have to pay it too much attention.
Luna and Joseph went about discussing plans for him going out on his own, beginning with his disguise. Joe was reluctant to go with a stallion, but Luna had to make it clear that it’s just a disguise, that you’ll still have the feel of everything underneath.
Joe found it humorously unsettling that Luna winked at that, and Nightmare audibly groaned inside Joe’s head.
With the disguise business sorted, Luna left to take care of some royal duties, as it were, and assured Joe that she’d be back tomorrow morning with some other things for him, ready for the venture outside.
With the room returning to its dull, deafening silence, he pulled some more books off the shelf and levitated them over to his position on the bed, internally giggling to himself like an excited schoolgirl still.
Honestly, Nightmare said. That will lose its novelty pretty fast.”
’Not if I found different ways to apply it,’ he replied. ’Half the fun of getting something new is putting it to use in as many ways as you can think. I’m assuming you have growth and multiplication spells here?’
Yes but they’re rarely used for fear of making something grow too large or repetitively multiplying out of control, and well, the outcomes haven’t been pretty before.
’It’s called limits. If you have a loaf of bread and only a few vegetables, use your magic to either make them larger or multiply. You can feed a whole village that way. Know your limits and don’t go beyond.’
Nightmare seemed to ponder those words with the lack of reply, and looked over the covers of the new books. ’Fifty Shades of Hay’, Apple Bucking for Dummies, and another book called ’The Flight of the Alicorn’.
Intrigued, he set aside the other two books and opened the cover of this particular one and began reading.
______________________________________________________________________________
The next morning came a knock at the bedroom door. Receiving no answer, Luna nudged the door open and stuck her head in.
“Joseph?” she calls in a low tone. Luna then looked around the room, and saw him Hunkered down over a book.
Joseph looked up, revealing his blood-shot, wide-eyed expression accompanied by a mane that indicated to the Lunar goddess he had been up all night with that book. “This… book!” he rasped. He levitated the cover and shoves it in Luna’s face abruptly and exclaimed, “Have you read it!?”
The princess only replied with an awkward, “Uuhhh…”
“You must!” It’s just… so well written!” he beamed with the enthusiasm of a slightly obsessed fan.
Luna nudged the book away with a hoof and strode into the room while trying to suppress a smile at the unkempt and overexcited mare in front of her, closing the door behind her.
Joseph pulled the book back over to him, and began reading from where he had left off.
“I come bearing gifts.” said Luna.
“Is it another fan-fucking-tastic book like this? You dudes sure know how to write a good tale or two!”
Luna pulled herself back in surprise at Joseph’s choice of words, one inparticular she hadn’t caught wind of before.
“What does that word mean?” she asked.
Joseph slowly turned his head on a pivot to look at Luna with sheer incredulity. He snickered and said; “I’m not sure you want to know.” His gaze looked slightly to the left, noticing the floating package held in Luna’s aura. “You said you had something for me?”
Thankfully that gave Luna the nudge she needed to stop wondering about that weird word, arguably glad that line of the conversation didn’t get furthered.
“I have brought with me some money, and bags for you. Overnight, I managed to secure you a small residence downtown that was unoccupied.” She set the items down on the bed next to Joseph.
He picked them up and looked over the dual satchels with dual straps that would secure the bag to the back of its wearer, and one underneath so imbalance of any kind wouldn’t make the bags fall off. Noticing the clinking coming from one of the pouches, he opened the flap of both bags and upended them, and a cloth bag with a drawstring to keep the contents inside fell out with a more resounding clank.
Curiosity getting the better of him—but seeing how this was for him anyway—he pulled the string to open the small bag and peered inside.
The look in his eyes of having stayed up all night reading was replaced by one of utter bewilderment, the contents practically gleaming from within.
“GOLD!?!?” he shouted.
“That would be the currency we use…” Luna began before trailing off, not understanding why Joseph reacted the way he did.
“You use gold as money!?” The thought of having so much gold on his person was offset by the reminder that Greeks, Romans, and civilizations across history had used gold as currency. What he found odd about these is they were perfectly round, featureless coins. There was a rim surrounding each coin, recessed slightly in the middle for some reason.
From his history class in school, Joseph knew that the Greeks and Romans for example would heat lumps of silver, gold, and other precious metal and bang them into rough circles. Then, a person with a hammer with a recessed/mirrored design of what was to be printed on the coin would strike the hammer, imprinting the design onto the coin. The hammer was about 4-5 feet long because having hot metal splash onto you from hitting it was less than desirable.
“We mine it, then unicorns make coins out of it. Are you unfamiliar with this type of currency?”
“No no no, I know what gold is I just never seen such perfectly round coins like this.” He levitated one of the coins out to scrutinize it. “From the history of my planet, ancient civilizations would hand make coins with hammers, but that process would leave small tags of metal left on the coins, then people would shave tiny slivers off and resell them to make a good, but illegal living.”
Luna’s eyebrow raised at that, but she let it pass.
“Wait, did you say you got me a house!?”
Luna gave a brief nod. “You…” She began to speak but stalled herself, trying to find the right words. “We, My sister and I, don’t know if you’ll be able to get back home.” A solemn, uncomfortable silence permeated the room before Luna continued. “I see it only fitting that you be provided with a residence of your own for the duration of your say.” Luna punctuated that sentence with a warm smile, trying to put Joe at ease.
“You’re forgetting one thing, though. People gon’ flip shit when they see me like this.” He gestured with a hoof up and down his figure.
“Yes, I do have a disguise for you; an enchanted ring that you would put on your horn. The magic would make you into a unicorn, and magically bind your wings to your sides until you remove it. The ring uses a perception spell of sorts to make your figure feel as though it’s smaller than it actually is to those that might, say, bump into you. The only downside is it uses the colours of one’s coat, mane, and cutie mark to factor into the outward appearance.”
“How is that bad?”
“Ponies with rather darker colours are rare, but not entirely unheard of. If you’re lucky people might not notice, but expect stares until the populace gets used to you.”
“Wait, populace as in the whole entire city!?” Joseph said, aghast. “Am I supposed to parade around saying “Hey everybody, even though I have dark colours I am definitely NOT Nightmare Moon!”
Luna stifled a giggle with her hoof. “No, what I meant to say was those you come across and interact with on a daily basis. Now, about the house.” Luna magicked a map out of fucking nowhere, much to Joseph’s amazement, and unfurled it to reveal an outline of a section of the city and its buildings. She used a hoof to point to the top right section of the map.
“Your new house is in the northern district.” Her hoof trailed down a long path that went diagonally across the page and ended at the bottom left of the map. “And the castle is here.” You need only walk straight down the road until it ends, turn right, and your house will be number fifty-seven. It has letters on the door so you won’t get confused.”
“So there’s not going to be any fountains or roundabouts or intersections that would make me confused as to which path to take.”
Luna shook her head. “No, follow the road directly north until it ends. Turn right, and look for number fifty-seven with the numbers on the door. And now for your disguise.” The map was magicked away and a ring took its place.
The ring was unlike one made for a finger; the gold band had different coloured jewels inlaid into it. The inside of the ring tapered slightly, presumably to fit with the contours of horns.
“This isn’t going to hurt, is it?”
“Not in the slightest. Although you might feel an odd sensation wash over you, but that will be momentary.”
Joseph took the ring from Luna’s aura with his own, imagining plucking it out of another hand with his thumb and index finger, thus picking it up in his own aura. If this was how he levitated objects, how would these creatures that don’t know about hands levitate objects? Do they just simply imagine the objects floating? He shrugged it off and slid the ring over and down his horn.
To his expectation, a cold rippling chill, akin to someone having walked over your grave, washed over him. He audibly shuddered at the strange feeling. He looked back up at Luna, and from the same position he was in he felt a change in his depth perception.
Luna said the ring would use a perception spell to somehow make the physique of the wearer smaller, and that somehow affected Joe, too. He knew he wasn’t this small, but he felt a good head smaller than the princess.
“Would you like a mirror?” Luna asked.
Brushing off Luna’s question, Joe began looking up and down himself; extending his various appendages and looking them over. A heavy shade of blue had replaced the ink-black coat. He reached behind with a hoof and pulled his tail around, revealing a tail the same shade of purple as what could be loosely called the ink-stain that was on his ass. Luna did say the spell would use the existing colour palette to recolour his coat and whatnot. That said, his thighs were void of any picture.
“Don’t I get a picture on my butt? What happened to it anyway?” The ring also appeared to make his voice somewhat normal, instead of the eerily echo-y resonant sound of the villainess.
“It defeats the purpose of a disguise if one can be identified by the cutie mark. While grown ponies that don’t have cutie marks aren’t entirely unheard of, they’re few and far between. To be safe, I suggest making up a cover story to explain why you’re without one.”
Joseph did a double-take at Luna when she mentioned cutie marks. “I don’t even know what they are to begin with. I was never told that much. What do you expect me to say? ‘I’m a grown man that doesn’t have a cutie mark’?” After those words left his mouth, it struck him those words came across rather sarcastically, but that wasn’t his intention.
Luna chuckled for the Nth time that morning. “You also might want to choose your words carefully when referring to yourself. Some might not give it a second thought, but saying it often enough might lead to problems.”
By reflex, Joseph’s newly acquired ears flattened against the side of his head. Remembering his new form and what he had lost, Luna’s words were like a hot branding iron on his chest.
Luna realised the unintentional effect her words had when she saw Joseph look away, saddened.
“I… Apologize if what I said offended, but I was just—”
“No no, it’s fine,” Joe interrupted. “I knew what you mean, but I’ve been here for all of a day or two, so things about what happened are going to be rather sore and sensitive. Now that I have everything you intended to give me—”
And then some, snarked Nightmare Moon, referring to Luna’s previous comment.
’Shut it.’
“—what happens now?”
Luna opened the bedroom door. “Now you get to explore Canterlot. Just try not to get lost. Allow me to show you to the main door, you should be able to take things into your own hooves from there in getting to your house.”
Joseph groaned and rolled his eyes. “I’m never going to get used to the whole hands/hooves thing.” With his new bags, money, and disguise, Joseph begrudgingly left the warm bed and walked out the door, followed by Luna. He hung a right and began walking down the door before he heard Luna call out from a distance.
“Wrong way!”
He felt silly for not following her to begin with, given he should have followed her, not knowing his way around.
Bags on his back, Joe followed the alicorn through the veritable maze of corridors and passages that made up the castle. Had he not had Luna to guide him, and had she not noticed he wasn’t walking with her, he’d’ve surely gotten lost in this labyrinthe.
Eventually the duo exited through a door into a rather large foyer that had a rather large staircase that flared out at the base but narrowed towards the top, but not by much. An elaborate chandelier hung in the middle of the room, ornately decorated with what appeared to be gold, and the chandelier itself had dozens upon dozens of candles in fixtures. Joseph hadn’t seen any instances of electricity in the castle, or anywhere else yet for that matter, so he figured that these bizarre equine creatures used magic to replace the function and practicality of electricity.
Luna and Joe stopped before the door, and Luna enveloped it in her aura, pushing it outwards to let the sunshine through, giving Joseph a look outside.
Beyond the castle grounds themself, aside the main street that went north that Luna pointed out, the rest of the town looked like something from Europe. Buildings and houses close together with a few narrow alleys here and there. There were bigger streets that branched off of the main road, and it looked like they held most of the businesses. The buildings themselves were clustered together on blocks with the alleys as convenient shortcuts between some of the bigger streets.
“Do you feel secure enough to take things into your own hooves from here on out, Joseph?”
He looked back and up to the princess. “So… What happens now, exactly?”
“You have another chance to live what was cruelly taken from you,” Luna said stoically, a sense of pride in what she spoke.
’Poetic justice, how quaint,’ Joseph thought to himself. Luna was right, he had been given a new opportunity to live another life, but that was part of the problem too. It wasn’t his life. He figured he should get the most out of today and see how it went, so he bid farewell to the princess.
Just before he left, Luna explained that she would visit him in his dreams, as was part of her special talent. It wasn’t just limited to raising the moon, but inclusive of guarding the populace from the denizens of the night, both in dream and in the real world. Luna explained that when she’s in the ‘Dreamscape’, as she called it, it’s like walking down a corridor with doors, only the doors are portals to dreams. Each dream portal gives off a different colour depending on the dream. Soft pink for the more… erotic dreams, black for nightmares, green for happy dreams, and so on like that. The concept seemed simple enough, but the main concern is whether or not Luna would be able to find Joseph’s dream portal, given he’s not of this world.
Both agreed that they’d wait to see what would happen, if anything would happen, so Joe finally departed the castle grounds and began walking down the main road from the castle.
Left to his own devices and thoughts, well, mostly considering the parasite living in his mind, he wandered down the street glancing at all the passing stores. The signs were rather simplistic, reminding him of the wooden signs that hung from poles that jutted out from the front of a store which had a sign hanging from it indicating—for the most part—what the store sold.
He saw a sign with a mixture of cakes, muffins, and pastries, another with three apples on it, a sofa, then another with a bottle of ink and feather quill.
’These guys don’t appear to have heard of a pencil or pen,’ he thought to himself. Inadvertently, little miss parasite heard him.
While I’ve not heard of either of those items, our civilization uses ink and quill.
’Kinda archaic, but things look like they could do with a touch of artificiality.’
Getting no reply, Joseph continued on down the street, passing innumerable stores on the way. While walking towards a fountain that acted as an intersection of sorts between two streets, each bisecting the other. What drew his attention was a lone stallion with a cart full of apples, hollering at passersby if they’d care to buy a bunch of apples. Curiosity got the better of Joe, so he went up to the cart.
“Hello there ma’am! Care to buy a sack of the most delicious apples you’ll ever eat?”
Joseph looked over the cart, seeing the slanted table typical of vendors like this. The cart itself looked bigger than just the display table, as if the rest of the boxy construction held more apples than what was shown. He also noticed neatly folded and stacked sacks behind the vendor, presumably for the apples.
“What kind of apples are we talking about?”
“Red Delicious!” beamed the vendor. “This variety has softer skin and juicier flesh, making them great for the older folk whom have a hard time chewing, and those that generally like softer flesh fruits.” The vendors gaze turned to Joe’s flank. “Pardon me, but you’re a grown mare, why don’t you have a cutie mark?”
A shit-eating grin came across Joseph’s face, deciding he could have some fun with this guy. “Why are you looking at my ass?” he said with seriousness.
The unicorn stallion froze, almost choking on his words. “P-pardon!? I meant no offense, miss...”
’I’m never going to get used to feminine pronouns,’ Joe thought.
“...but I was just making an observation! It’s not uncommon for mares and stallions to converse over one anothers cutie marks!”
The vendor was getting flustered, much to Joseph’s amusement. “It seems to me that it’s rather perverse thing to do in the presence of a mare.” He cringed at that last word. ’Yeah, never getting used to that.’
“L-Look,” stammered the merchant. “I can give you a discount if that makes you feel better!”
Joe perked up. “In that case, how much do I owe you?”
The look of disbelief at Joseph’s transition from accusatory to chipper demeanour found its way across the merchant’s face. “E-eight bits, miss…?”
Joseph forgot to figure out a name! Dark coat and mane, reincarnation of a villainess whom tried to take over with eternal night by obscuring the sun...’
“Eclipse,” Joe stated.
“Here, Eclipse, eight bits and for a sack of delicious apples this side of Equestria!”
Joe floated out the small bag of coins and counted out eight, floating them into the pouch that hung at the side of the merchant, levitating the sack of apples and splitting the apples between the two saddle-bags so the weight wouldn’t pull on the bags, making them uncomfortable while walking, keeping one apple out to eat.
“Oh, by the way, do you know of any cafe’s around here? I’m new to town and don’t really know the locals too well.” He punctuated that sentence with a sly wink.
“I just sold you apples at a discount, why do you want to eat at a cafe?”
“Like I said, I’m new. People who frequent cafe’s are more likely to know the lay of the land.”
“Uhhh, three blocks down then hang a left. Wait, did you say people?”
’Oh, shit!’ “And with that, I bid you adieu good sir.” Joseph turned tail with the apple floating in his aura, and took a bite out of it, leaving a thoroughly confused merchant and his apple cart behind as he went around the fountain and continued to follow the street north.
Nightmare Moon’s voice echoed through his head. Keep slipping up and acting the way you are, and you’ll get found out.
He shrugged that off, figuring it’s just nerves getting to him from being in this strange land. ’Do you know your way around town?’
Nightmare Moon scoffed. In retrospect, I possessed Luna for all of twenty minutes before Celestia banished Luna and I to the moon after our battle. Upon my return, I had free reign for all of five hours before the Elements stripped me away from Luna. Next thing I know, I wake up a prisoner in my own body, being piloted by you. The inbetween was spent in total isolation on a floating rock.
’Sucks to be you,’ Joseph chuckled.
I can assure you the feeling is mutual, came the reply.
Joseph walked down the street the three blocks the vendor said to travel until he came to an intersection. He turned left as directed, and continued walking until he came to a crossroads that had four businesses on the corners, busily catering to its patrons.
On one corner sat half a dozen tables and chairs, presumably the cafe that he wanted. His gaze turned and anchored on the second sight to his right, opposite the cafe.
The building had its four large doors that doubled as windows wide open, allowing the cool breeze to dissipate some of the ambient mid-morning heat. Inside, a counter stretched the length of the floor with seats spanning the length of the counter, save a small cut-out where ponies could walk in and out. The thing that delighted him was seeing the dozens of bottles behind the counter, all different colours, shapes, and there were even what appeared to be beer taps!
’Oh fuck yes, a BAR!’ With a grin that stretched from ear to ear, he jovially walked inside and up to one of the individuals behind the bar.
“Hey there ma’am,” said the barstallion. “What can I getcha?”
“Waddaya got?”
The stallion seemed pleasantly taken aback by the response.
“We got cider mostly, made from apples all over the land,” he said, running a hoof over the myriad of taps and nozzles. “All the way from Appleoosa, Neighvarro, and Fillydelphia, with some of the better cider made by hoof from Sweet Apple Acres! Then there’s the harder stuff in the bottles. Granny Smith’s Apple Moonshine of varying strengths. One shot from most will put you on your flank.”
As good as the stronger stuff sounded, Joe opted for one of the weaker strength liqueurs and a cider chaser. After paying the ludicrous price of fourteen bits; six for the mug of Neighvarro and eight for the shot, he knocked the shot, much to the bartenders amazement, and took a generous swig of cider to wash the bitter taste of the liquor away. The liquor tasted almost exactly like white rum; sweet, tangy, with the tangy taste of green apples.
“Say, what’s the harder stuff made out of?”
“Green apples mostly. They’re often too bitter to eat by themselves, but they make for some amazing hard liquor. The juicier apples like those Red Delicious in your saddle bags make for some sweeter and more flavourable cider.” An air of realization came over the stallion. “Say, you’re not from around here, are you? Most ponies already know this. Where are you from? Can’t say I’ve seen you around here, and I would recognise those coat and mane colours if you had been here before.”
“I just got here, actually,” Joseph said, taking another mouthful of the now half-empty mug.
“Where’re you from, Manehattan?”
’Oh dear god, more bad puns...’ Joseph groaned inwardly at that name. “Sure, Manehattan. Nice place. It was nice to grow up in the city.” Not half a second after that sentence left his mouth, his gut dropped. ’Oh shit, I was thinking of the city I grew up in back on Earth! I don’t even know if this place has any cities like where I’m from! Moonie?’
No reply.
“Yeah, the city is pretty good, but I prefer the country to a certain extent. I can take a train ride to Ponyville any time I want, and Canterlot is a good balance in my opinion.”
’Oh thank god he didn’t notice…’
“So why don’t you have your cutie mark yet?”
Joseph rolled his eyes. “Why do stallions keep staring at my ass.”
The bartender just humourously chuckled at the comment. “Ma’am, it’s nothing personal by any means. A cutie mark denotes the special talent of the individual. As you can see, mine is a martini glass.” He raised his rear up high enough to show Joseph the picture adorning his thigh. “I got it when I discovered that my calling was serving people drinks, and mixing them too.”
“Ookay…? I guess I haven’t found what I’m good at just yet. I used to work in an office before I-” Joe had to stop talking for a second before he accidentally let slip that he was stabbed. He cleared his throat as a guise before speaking. “Sorry, before I decided a change in scenery would help.”
He polished off the rest of his cider to quell the anxious feeling from having almost slipped up, and bought another one.
“This stuff is great, by the way!”
“Glad you think so, miss…?”
“Eclipse.”
“Glad you think so, Eclipse, I aim to make my patrons happy.”
Joseph began drinking the second mug with gusto before the barstallion spoke up.
“Woah there, with the hard stuff and the other mug in you, you might not be able to walk straight soon.”
“What are you… Woah…” Turns out the stallion was right. After putting the mug down on the counter to hear him talk, the delightful hazy euphoria washed over him. Getting drunk back on Earth wasn’t exactly Joe’s thing, he’d keep within his limits so to not turn into that person. Usually four beers or four doubles would do the trick, and he’d cut himself off after six so he didn’t wake up with a hangover the following morning.
Currently Joe felt like he chugged all six beers at once the way he felt the liquor hit his system.
The bartender just smirked. “Told ya.”
An idea popped into Joe’s head, but he wasn’t sure of whether or not it was one of those questions that would be better left unsaid or not. Oh well, only one way to find out.
“Hey, mr barschtallion,” he slurred, his tongue not keeping up with the thought process causing him to trip over his own words. “What would you do if that Mightnare Moon walked in here and wanted a drink?”
The question didn’t quite catch him off guard, as much as his reaction to it indicated it wasn’t something he got asked very often, and seemed rather intrigued by.
“Interesting question. Well since she got dealt with the other day after she returned, if she were still around I’d probably buy her one on the house.”
A voice called out from the other side of the bar.
“Hey, why does that twat get a free drink but I have to pay for mine!?”
“Because you’re always trying to get free drinks, Crimson,” the bartender screeched back, making Joseph wince slightly at the volume. “That, or you’re buying them for random mares trying to take them home! Besides, she’s technically royalty, and first drink to royalty is generally on the house. So keep your muzzle shut, and I’m keeping an eye on this one too.”
“Stupid bitch should stay on the moon, plenty that would agree…” He went back to sullenly drinking his cider.
Ignoring the comment, Joe turned his head back to look at the bartender. “What was that all about?”
The stallion looked over at Crimson with an air of caution. “He goes around a lot of bars trying to pick up mares. Just watch yourself around him and you’ll be fine.”
That ‘Crimson’ is right, Nightmare Moon said. Many a pony would be quick to riot if they found out who you are.
“Oh shyaddup,” Joseph said aloud before realising he should have said that to Nightmare and not to the stallion serving him drinks.
“Woah there missy, I was just trying to look out for you!”
“Uh, sorry, I was just… Talking to myself.”
“...Yourself?” The bartender asked, confused.
“It’s complicated. Anyway, I needed to buy some food for my new house. Know of any shops around here?”
“Go back out the door and take the street left from the one you came up, alternatively just go out the door and follow the street left of the cafe across the road. You’ve had more than you should, are you alright to walk home?”
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am,” Joe snapped. “Wait…”
The stallion just giggled. “If you say so. Just be sure to drink plenty of water when you get home so you don’t get hungover.”
Joe polished off the last of the mug of cider, slamming it down on the counter following a thoroughly satisfied “AAHHHH!” He got down off the stool and left through the front door.
His vision wasn’t swimming as if he’d had a dozen drinks, but he’d had enough to drink for the booze to impair his thoughts and judgement, explaining why he kept tripping over his words. Before he left the door however, he heard the bartender tell the stallion that piped up; “You stay right there.” That followed an annoyed sigh from the pegasus, but he couldn’t figure out why.
Joseph managed to find his way to the store just fine, and the liquor hadn’t affected him as much as he thought it had, at least in the walking aspect. Talking to the people here should be interesting, though. However, it dawned on him that he had deviated from going to the house to the point where his inebriation caused him to lose track of where he was.
The store wasn’t unlike one from Earth. Baskets of vegetables and fruits sat out the front, flanked either side of the main entrance. The price boards is what struck Joseph as odd. The carrot bin had a picture of two carrots, an equals sign, then three yellow circles, presumably the price. If that’s the case, two carrots cost three bits, five tomatoes cost, four bits, then the apples and oranges cost two bits for three each.
He went into the store, but didn’t get his two front hooves inside before getting accosted by someone.
“Hello!” beamed a cheerful voice. “I’m Daisy, are you after anything in particular today?” Her nostrils flared as if inhaling something, but Joe just shrugged it off.
Because of how tipsy he was, it took him longer than he’d have liked for those words to completely register in his head, and to formulate a response.
“I’m… new here. Moving in today and I need some food.” Joseph’s subconscious was screaming at him to get some delicious bacon.
“Well you’ve come to the right place, nothing but the freshest fruit and vegetables this side of Canterlot!”
Something inside Joseph snapped at hearing ‘nothing but fruit and vegetables’. No more bacon and eggs, no more BLT’s!
“HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE BACON!?!?” he screamed, inadvertently discovering the power his voice inherited from Luna or Nightmare Moon. After that outburst, the whole store went quiet enough that he was pretty sure he heard something rustle a few aisles over.
“Pardon me, miss, but we don’t have, what was it? Bacon? We do have plenty of dairy however, milk, cheese, eggs, and fish too. Earth ponies and pegasi usually have fish because it has nutrients that plant based foods can’t provide.”
He sighed and pinched his brow with a hoof, then immediately wondered how he did that. “I’ll take half a dozen eggs, some fish, cheese, and some milk in that case. While you get that—I have no idea where you keep it—I’ll get some… vegetables.”
Joseph picked up one of the baskets and began loading foodstuffs into it. Lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cucumber, and enough fruits and veggies for about a week or so. He also picked up a loaf of bread, salt and pepper, and a few other condiments he recognised.
With the basket loaded with a healthy amount of food—in every sense of the word, he put the basket on the checkout next to the other things he asked the mare for. The fish wrapped up in plastic then paper, held together with tape so it wouldn’t unravel, a bottle of what looked to be two litres of milk, and the familiar carton of a dozen eggs.
“Carrots… Lettuce…” Daisy went about adding everything up with a paper and quill, doing a few of the number calculations in her head. “Ok, everything comes to forty-five bits!”
“You’re kidding!? I paid just under half that for a few drinks at a bar down the street!”
She snickered. “I know, I could smell the cider on you when you walked in.”
Joe rolled his eyes. He shouldn’t have been surprised, liquor prices were always expensive on Earth. A box of beer would cost $20 for a dozen bottles, but a bar would charge $6 a bottle. In retrospect, one would go to a bar to meet other people and have a good time with friends, so the extra price is paying for the hospitality the bar provides while you’re there.
He fished out the bit bag from his bags, and counted out forty-five bits and gave them to Daisy.
“You’ll need a separate bag to carry the bread and eggs home, they’ll get crushed with everything else in the saddle bags.”
Daisy went about putting the fruits and veggies into two paper bags, with the bread and eggs in a separate bag.
Joe opened the flaps of his bags and managed to comfortably put the foodstuffs on top of the apples without bruising them, leaving just enough space on the buckle to close the flaps so nothing would fall out. He held the third bag in his aura.
“Have a good day!” Daisy beamed. “Good luck with your new house and everything!”
By now, the worst of the liquor had worn off, which meant that Joe wasn’t tripping over his words and tongue. However, his body’s processing of the alien alcoholic beverage meant that the hazy euphoria remained, still inhibiting his judgement and motor skills to an extent.
Upon exiting the store, his mind lost the directions Luna had given him to get to his house. Did he take a right from the main road? Or was it a left… Directions always get confusing when trying to remember them in reverse. Worst of all, he found he needed the toilet.
Unsure of his current geographical location, he consulted Nightmare.
’Oi, where do I go? I need to pee! Stupid booze and it’s diuretic effects...’
Go straight ahead from whence you came, turn right, follow the street then turn right again, then turn left at the end of the street. You’ll be back on the main road at that point. You’re lucky alcohol doesn’t affect me you incompetent fool.
’Hey, I’m not incontinent! At least I won’t be unless I get home. Wait…” He shrugged off the misheard word, and, with eyes peeled and thinking harder than he should have, he followed Nightmare’s directions back to the main road he strayed from.
Back on track, he followed the road as per Luna’s original instructions to the end of the street, then turned in the correct direction to find the house Luna graciously procured for him. To his surprise, the housing reminded him of treeace-style housing from Earth.
Probably to save space, the houses—arguably flats—were basically fused together at the wall, allowing no space to walk between, to form one continuous row of houses.
He walked along the street, perusing the house numbers.
“Thirty-eight, forty, forty-two,” right up to, “fifty-four, fifty-six, fifty-eight… Hey, where’s fifty-seven?”
Other side of the street. These are even numbers.
’...Shut up, I’m drunk.’
Joseph went up to the front door, but stopped dead in utter confusion when he saw the door handle, and something amiss. He stared at it for a good minute, trying to figure out why it didn’t have a lock on it. The door still had a handle, presumably for earth ponies and pegasi.
“How do I…”
Magic is literally the key, you oaf. Doors won’t open unless the sensor gem inside the handle itself recognises the magical signature of the owner.
’What about public places?’
Those places don’t have sensors. It’s mostly for security where it’s needed. The castle where you woke up was experimenting with the implementation of these works of artificiality before Luna and I were banished.
Joseph pondered the more practical aspect of security. Locks can be picked, electronics can be hacked and overridden, so a device that recognises the energy signature unique to that particular individual would have massive benefits to locks from Earth. He enveloped the handle with his aura, whereupon the aura itself visually got sucked into the handle, presumably to get sampled.
“Uuhhhh… Did the door eat my magic?”
Try it again.
For the second time, Joe mentally pictured a hand on the door handle, pushing down on it. His aura, in turn, enveloped the handle and the door opened with a click.
’What about those normal and feathered bastards? They don’t have magic like I do.’
Yes and no. Earth ponies and pegasi do have magic, it’s what gives them strength and flight respectively, but they don’t have magic to the extent to manipulate objects like unicorns can.
He nudged the door open and walked inside. It looked rather bare; the hallway had nothing indicative of anyone living here; picture frames on the walls, umbrella stand by the door, hat/coat stand too. Off to the right, the hall gave way to a kitchen with a round table sitting in the middle of it. The counter itself spanned the length of the wall, had a sink, oven, and cupboards top and bottom.
“Bathroom!” Joe exclaimed in realization. He ran down to the end of the hall, throwing open every door he could find until he found the glistening white porcelain… bowl?
It didn’t look like the conventional toilet from Earth. Well, it did, but more reminiscent of the squat variety from Asia, recessed into the floor. It was wider than the Asiatic kind, but other than that it was a normal squat toilet.
Joseph looked at it in disbelief and screamed, “OH COME ON!”
Just sit on it you fool.
Joseph really didn’t have much of a choice at this point, so he stumbled over to the foreign toilet and sat down on it, letting his muscles relax to do their job. He let out the typical sign of relief before standing back up and walking out the bathroom door, relaxed, but still quite drunk.
“I need a drink…”
But you already—
“Don’t even start with me or I’ll think dirty thoughts that you’ll be forced to see,” Joseph said, cutting off Nightmare Moon’s possible snide remark to his intoxication.
He made his way back to the kitchen and had to rifle through the cupboards to find a drinking glass, and when he did he turned on the tap and had several glasses full of water.
“Now, I need ta sleep the rest of this off.” ’Luna said she’d visit me in my dreams, but I don’t see how that would work.’
I was once bonded with Luna, I gave her the power she needed to overthrow Celestia, but Celestia turned to the Elements. Point is we are on equal grounds with Luna in terms of magic since you and she are the same entity in different bodies. You will be able to perform the same spells she does to the fullest extent when you learn how to, Nightmare Moon told Joe, whom was already climbing the stairs to find a bed.
’Why are you telling me this?’ He yawned as he said that, pushing open a door and finding what appeared to be a delightfully plush bed.
Because sooner or later Joseph, there will come a time you will need to use the powers you possess.
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would have also have been funny to see you tell the brown pants sailor joke.
... welp, he's an idiot.
Well that's not ominous as fuck.
go home ya drunk!
Funniest chapter ever.
This story came at a good time. It seems I'm in some sort of dry spell since nothing in the massive amount of stories I read have been updated. By the way, good job with the chapter.
Threatening Night Mare Moon: " I gonna think thoughts you don't wanna see"
*checks story tags* "Yeah... still Slice of Life..." *checks again for good measure* "I really hope that doesn't change..."
5146172 getting there. But I think some of mine beat that. but hey he's going a more serious route then I am. Great to see this update again.
5146027
Go drunk your home
A few critiques here.
You made the comment about how the word 'people' was foreign to ponies, and then the bartender used the word.
Pens and pencils have both been in the show.
And now, getting past the nitpicking, the dialogue didn't feel natural. I never 'felt' the characters in the conversations. All I saw were words being thrown at words.
The second you mentioned bread, I knew what this fic neded.
...
...
...
"I have done nothing for three days, but teleport bread"
Actually Symbiosis is a term which is given to two organisms that live off each other with mutual benefits. It's not necessarily the fact that they can't live without them
Ok, they just released an alien spirit possessing NMM's body on an unsuspecting populace and forgot to give them an assistant/minder.
I expect whoever they set to watching the duo is going to have some interesting reports to turn in.
5146566 I got the sense that when the vendor used the word "People" It was more of a "Wait People? What the heck are those?" Kinna thing. In other words the vendor was simply repeating the word as a question and out of confusion of what it meant.
Edit: Re read your comment and realized you said Bartender not Vendor. My bad. I'd say it was most likely a mistake by the writer and the editor not catching it. Sometimes I catch myself writing people as well and my editor has to correct me. It's hard to not put it down when you aren't thinking about it.
Neat
5145785
Agreed. He/She's already doomed.
5146715 it's especially difficult to catch the word 'people' at times since we are obviously taught that the correct word IRL is people, not somepony or pony related puns.
5147335 exactly, we're so used to using someone, people, somebody. Not ponies or somepony(s) so it's a habit. Honestly I didn't even notice it myself lol.
I think this is going better than the other one. (If ya know what I mean.) Definitely better than revealing somebody in Nightmare Moon's body than an airship crash that had absolutely no safety parts.
This can make for some very awkward moments, I can already tell.
Loved it, I think this is the correct route to take. Have him experience the world and how different it is. My only complaint is the bartender explaining cutie marks. It seemed odd, explaining something everyone should know.
5146566
The bartender heard the word and only after he heard it did he repeat it back to Joe. The word isn't entirely unknown to ponies, that's to say the occurrences in which it's used are rare
5154688
The concern is not unwarranted, but there's bound to be visitors that won't understand what a cutie mark is, in the rare instances that were to happen.
A rather interesting start to living in Canterlot outside the castle.
5161958
As much as people don't like too much exposition, I felt like this chapter was a bit wobbly with the balance of exposition and narration. Writing it proved to be more arduous than I anticipated, but fortunately I managed to bang out 8500 words in two weeks.
My original idea was to post a 2000 word chapter, but that was mostly the beginning of the chapter itself.
Your criticism is appreciated, and I do agree with you to a certain extent, in that I could have axed about 1000 words or so to make everything more concise. But I felt like since it was over a month since the last update, I kinds sorts owed the fans and followers something chunky to read.
good one, but a little too long for a chap where almost nothing hapenned.
5163118
While is is rather bland in terms for development, it goes deeper than that. Maybe you glossed over the foreshadowed events?
5163139 may be after all I read it for fun and theres nothing more fun than suprise that you didn't see.
5146613
When I thought of the concept, I thought of the sludge-y shit from Spider Man 3. That stuff, whatever it is, can't live without a host
5175587 Venom? Yeah that works the same way but it's not like he can't live without a host. It's that he's not at his full potential without someone.
5175677
Venom is Spider Man's evil twin/alter-ego. I'm talking about the symbiote itself that bound itself to Peter to begin with. As far as I know, the symbiote would have died without a host.
5175698 Mmm. Well the meaning behind Symbiosis isn't that they can't live without each other. It's that they both gain mutual benefits from interacting/living with each other
5175706
In this case they literally can't live without each other
5175723 Haha fair enough
Longest chapter yet, and possibly the best. There were a few things that stood out to me, however. One of them was...why are we just getting to the part where Joe figures out equine bathrooms now? He's been there over a day. I'm also surprised he didn't feel weird urinating as a female. I mean, you know... different "equipment".
5175831
5175801
I can't say he had anything to drink or eat up until that point. In retrospect, I probably should have added something about it, considering he used the shower in the room in the castle and would have seen the latrine to begin with.
I don't know why you got blocked, and I can't be arsed figuring out why haha
5175934 concerning the block, blame knighty and Pinkie Pie. oh and nightmare moon obviously.
When will eney new chapters come out?
5178576
I can't say how long for certain, but don't expect the new chapter any time soon. I've got a lot on my plate right now, but I've written up the outline.
Ok, i see alot in this story and it has alot of potential keep up the good work
5179116
Thank you!
.... lunar domination?
5187730
Yup!
more please?
5220199
I've got the outline for the fifth chapter written up, but I'm focusing my efforts on Promise Of Her Life for now. At the moment, I'm going to alternate between chapters of ANCTL, and POHL, however often the updates are. When I got on my computer this afternoon I got a message from someone wanting a commission, so if that goes through then I'll put all my efforts into that. That's pretty much the breakdown of what's happening.
5220259 ok.
Alas, this story too, like its inspiration, suffers from the same problems - pacing is too fast, not enough explanations on certain things, characters are somewhat... weird acting(not OOC), choices that need(but don't get) enough consideration, not the greatest grammar(find an editor, a better one if you have one).
Fifty Shades of Hay.
FIFTY SHADES OF HAY?!!
WHY THE BUCK WOULD CELESTIA OR LUNA OWN THAT PORNO?!!!!
Wait...