• Member Since 14th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 28th, 2019

sci-fi fanatic

I love the humans treated like animals fanfiction. My favorite characters are twilight pinkie pie applejack and fluttershy. The others are good too these are just my favorites


Stryker Airborne was just your average pegasus. He went to manehatten elementary school, his parents were part of the weather squad for manehatten, and he plays with his friends. There's just one problem. He has no cutie mark. On a dangerous quest to earn his cutie mark, by trying to help with the lighting squad, he ends up getting struck, in which case he dies. After his death, he leaves manehatten to go to Ponyville to seek help. But no one can see him. Then he meets the cutie mark crusaders, and they can see him. But there's just one question on their minds. If he's a pegasus, how can he do magic?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

This story is full of errors. I'd reccomend getting a proofreader and/or an editor.

I think this has some potential. For a first story, it certainly isn't abysmal, and I would just keep working on it. The only thing you did wrong is the fact that you:
But in all seriousness, just keep working on that, and I think you could turn this into a halfway decent FanFic.:ajsmug:

If he's a pegasus, how can he do magic?

Because Gary Stu.

4830725 well, I'm not going to spoil it for everyone else, but I'll pm you the answer if you want to know, and anyone else who wants to know

4830501 yeah, sorry about that. Do you know anyone who would be willing to edit it, or give me some tips about that?

4830769 Sorry, I don't. I'm still not that familiar with the site.

Here, I'll link you to some groups that generally accept editing or proofreading offers. Most of these have backlogs though, so I'd keep actively searching.


Looking For Editors

The Proofreader Group

And this group sometimes takes editing requests too: Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau

Good luck on that one! :twilightsmile:

Could it be because he's a secret alicorn or some other rather lame reason?

I'm going to go with 4830725 and say he's Gary Stu.

4830838 Thanks, I appreciate it. :scootangel:

4830838 yes, I appreciate it too :twilightsmile:

I dropped by due to the rating and decided to provide a review of this so far. So here is what I have for you.

First the good news. You actually have good grammar for a "bad" story. It's there but it was at least readable. Your story telling is at least decent and shows promise.

Now for the bad news. Grammar is an issue still so you will need to address that. One major problem is your descriptions. The long falls into the problem of telling the story while the short is filled with spelling and grammar problems. The biggest issue for your story is that it is rather slow and dull. Characterization for your main character needs work and your flow just drags at points. You also have choppy sentences that could benefit from additional detail. Along with that, additional detail and description could help improve your story greatly.

Overall, I would rate your story at a 4 out of 10. For a new writer you actually did fairly well but you still have much to improve on. I will not give you a dislike nor will I give you a like. Seek an editor and proofreader and improve. Good luck in the future.

4831098 Thank you for the tips, I will try to work on them. I really appreciate you telling me what you think, as it helps me Improve and become a better author. I'm just going to go ahead and tell everyone this, though: I haven't really watched the show very much yet, so don't get mad if I get the personalities of some characters wrong, cause I mostly just read these, but I plan on watching the show more . Also updates will probably be pretty slow, because it takes a long time to write the chapters. Also, I need to plan out some of the next chapters a bit more, and I wanna watch the show a bit more, so I can learn more about some of the characters that will be on this fic. Also, I have a question. What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with? Thanks :twilightsmile


What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with?

I have no idea. :applejackunsure: I do my own editing and proofreading and my reviews are free...so...yeah. No clue.


What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with?

Mentioning them as the editor or prooofreader in the story's long description.

Login or register to comment