• Published 10th Aug 2014
  • 343 Views, 16 Comments

To all blind eyes - sci-fi fanatic



Thr ghost of a pegasus with no cutie mark, goes to the cutie mark crusaders for help, because theyre the only ones that can see him. But since he is a pegasus, how can he do magic?

  • ...
10
 16
 343

Death of a crusader

It just a regular day in manehatten. The birds were chirping, the skies were blue, and all of the foals were playing outside.

All except for one foal.

Stryker Airborne Sat in his room, looking through a magazine. Yes, magazines are mostly for girls, but that's not why he was interested in it.

In every picture, each pony had a cutie Mark. He had looked over this magazine several times, and had circled some of his favorites. Some of them were mane stylists, some were bakers, and some were even post card writers.

He looked down to his light blue flank, and still, there was nothing.

He would take ANYTHING, even the dang post card writer one!

Anything to stop the bullies that called him "blank flank"

Anything to stop the whispers behind his back.

But most of all, anything to stop everybody from staring at him. Even the adults did. Heck, even his own mother did. His father had died when he was young, and every time he asked his mother about it, she would bring up another topic.

But through out all of the crap he went through in his life, there was one thing that made up for all of that.

The cutie mark crusaders club. His friend Babs told him about it, and he had decided to join.

It was the best decision he had ever made.

While any of them had yet to earn a cutie mark to call their own, they always had fun on their adventures.

The adventure ranged from putting on plays, to exploring the unknown, and much, much more. On certain days however, the club would not meet, so everypony could relax, or try to earn a cutie Mark by themselves.

Today was one such day. Stryker looked at his clock, which read 8:00.

It was a beautiful saturday morning.

His mother then called up to his room. "Stryker, I made blueberry pancakes. Come get them while they're hot!"

Not wanting to miss out on his favorite breakfast, he rushed down the stairs.

However, as he was about to start running, he stopped and flew instead [Coach said I need practice, he thought.

He had been taking flying lessons for awhile now. Some ponies told him that he was almost as good as Rainbow Dash, but his coach didn't seem to think so.

In fact, his coach didn't seen to think anypony was any good, except himself.

And he couldn't even fly. He was an earth pony for goodness sake! His school was too cheap to hire a pegasus teacher, because most of the pegasi (around his part of town) were either too lazy to teach, or were asking for ridiculous amounts of bits.

His mother would have loved to teach, but she had her hooves filled with her part time job as a weather pony, and taking care of him.

He had tried to find a job to help put food on the table, but every single one he tried, he was terrible at.

Besides, he had his own hooves full with school, and his club. He had tried everything that there was to do in manehatten to get his cutie mark, but being a big city, there wasn't much to do other than run shops, or stop crime, which he did not want to do.

Frustrated, he stood up, and walked to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

I wonder what today will bring. Probably the same old carp as any other day. At least it's saturday, he thought as he looked in the mirror.

A light blue colt with a white mane stared back at him. He really hated his mane, because it was so different from all of the other fillies and colts manes.

The one think he liked about it was that it naturally stood up a little bit. While he wasn't handsome, he wasn't bad looking either. He already knew of a few fillies who had their eyes on him,but he didn't feel that way about any of them.

He was just waiting to find his special somepony one day.

As he shook off his thoughts, he decided to head down stairs before his breakfast got cold.

When he sat down, he was lost in his thoughts again. He was shook out of them however, when he realized that his mother was talking to him.

"Could you repeat that?", he asked her.

"I was just saying that I have a few errands to run, and wanted to see if you wanted to come with me.",

she said. He thought it over, and realised that he could use a bit of fresh air. With a nod, they both got up, and headed for the door.



When they got to the city,his mother started her errands. He tuned everything out, and rethought his life. After a few minutes of brooding, he saw a pegasus zipping through the sky, and it gave him an idea. He could follow his mother to her job, and secretly try to help the weather ponies do their work. Then, maybe he could earn his cutie mark! This was going to be great. Or so he thought.





Stryker's point of view

I waited until it wad time for my mom to leave for her job.

Then, I secretly followed her outside. I flew after her until we got there, the big factory in he sky, then hid when the other pegasi came into view. They were talking about the plans for the weather, but I couldn't hear them.

All I could think of was possibly getting my cutie mark.

I was blown out of my thoughts however, when I heard lots of screaming.

I looked frantically around to find out what had everypony so scared, but couldn't find the source. Suddenly, I felt as if my whole body was on fire, and I heard my mom let out a heart wrenching scream.

Then, everything went black.

Author's Note:

I do not own mlp or any of the characters that aren't my ocs. Well, this will be my first published story on this site, so I want to know what you all think. Constructive criticism is accepted, however, try to be nice when telling me my mistakes. Rude, or obnoxious comments will be ignored. Also, I would like to make it known that I am also a Danny Phantom fan, so there may be a Danny Phantom version of this story later on. But don't worry, it will be separated from this one. Note to all fans of Danny Phantom: all of the characters will be ponies (of course), and their names will be changed, but the pairings from the show will be the same. Also (this applies for both stories) Let me know if you would like to have your o.c. in this story (if that's ok with the fimfiction admins, I'm not sure if it is) If it's ok with them, send me a private message describing your o.c., and give me a good reason why you think yours should be put in. I will only pick a few of them, but do not get your feelings hurt if yours isn't picked. If it is not, I MAY put it in as a background pony or something. I will not accept messages after Friday, so try to give them to me then :) have a nice day

Comments ( 16 )

This story is full of errors. I'd reccomend getting a proofreader and/or an editor.

I think this has some potential. For a first story, it certainly isn't abysmal, and I would just keep working on it. The only thing you did wrong is the fact that you:
cdn.meme.li/instances/250x250/52864311.jpg
But in all seriousness, just keep working on that, and I think you could turn this into a halfway decent FanFic.:ajsmug:

If he's a pegasus, how can he do magic?

Because Gary Stu.

4830725 well, I'm not going to spoil it for everyone else, but I'll pm you the answer if you want to know, and anyone else who wants to know

4830501 yeah, sorry about that. Do you know anyone who would be willing to edit it, or give me some tips about that?

4830769 Sorry, I don't. I'm still not that familiar with the site.

4830781
4830769
Here, I'll link you to some groups that generally accept editing or proofreading offers. Most of these have backlogs though, so I'd keep actively searching.

EditorsRUs

Looking For Editors

The Proofreader Group

And this group sometimes takes editing requests too: Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau

Good luck on that one! :twilightsmile:

4830746
Could it be because he's a secret alicorn or some other rather lame reason?

I'm going to go with 4830725 and say he's Gary Stu.

4830838 Thanks, I appreciate it. :scootangel:

4830838 yes, I appreciate it too :twilightsmile:

I dropped by due to the rating and decided to provide a review of this so far. So here is what I have for you.

First the good news. You actually have good grammar for a "bad" story. It's there but it was at least readable. Your story telling is at least decent and shows promise.

Now for the bad news. Grammar is an issue still so you will need to address that. One major problem is your descriptions. The long falls into the problem of telling the story while the short is filled with spelling and grammar problems. The biggest issue for your story is that it is rather slow and dull. Characterization for your main character needs work and your flow just drags at points. You also have choppy sentences that could benefit from additional detail. Along with that, additional detail and description could help improve your story greatly.

Overall, I would rate your story at a 4 out of 10. For a new writer you actually did fairly well but you still have much to improve on. I will not give you a dislike nor will I give you a like. Seek an editor and proofreader and improve. Good luck in the future.

4831098 Thank you for the tips, I will try to work on them. I really appreciate you telling me what you think, as it helps me Improve and become a better author. I'm just going to go ahead and tell everyone this, though: I haven't really watched the show very much yet, so don't get mad if I get the personalities of some characters wrong, cause I mostly just read these, but I plan on watching the show more . Also updates will probably be pretty slow, because it takes a long time to write the chapters. Also, I need to plan out some of the next chapters a bit more, and I wanna watch the show a bit more, so I can learn more about some of the characters that will be on this fic. Also, I have a question. What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with? Thanks :twilightsmile

4831200

What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with?

I have no idea. :applejackunsure: I do my own editing and proofreading and my reviews are free...so...yeah. No clue.

4831200

What do people usually award editors and proofreaders with?

Mentioning them as the editor or prooofreader in the story's long description.

Login or register to comment