• Published 15th Apr 2012
  • 4,200 Views, 158 Comments

My Little Humie: Fanfiction is Social - SwiperTheFox

Rarity's double life as the fanfiction author 'SilentRainbows' takes an odd turn as she meets a fan.

  • ...

Chapter One

Mr. Cake thrust his hooves forward, the tips curving in the air as if he cast a magical missile. He rubbed along his sharp greyish-black suit, eyes locking upon his reflection in the slender mirror. Rarity smiled for the umpteenth time. It wasn't that she knew he loved it, she never doubted that for a second, but that she'd be able to stop working early that day. Her insides tingled with anticipation.

"I can't believe it," he muttered, side-stepping to look at his shoulder.

"Believe it," Rarity replied, standing right alongside Mr. Cake. "We're completely done."

"This is more than perfect," he commented, sitting down in the huge white couch behind him. "You know that Mrs. Cake was looking forward to the anniversy for a long time."

"Yes, yes," Rarity said. Come on, now. You like it. I like it. Enough small talk. We're done her. I don't have much time left until I have to head to bed. Come on!

"And you've reproduced that whole outfit from Spectacle Springs on Secret Agent Stallions." His eyes traveled up to the matching fedora. "Flawless imitation. You know that it's her favorite show... SAS is always on."

"Yes, yes." Please, I can't make Miss_Everything_99 wait for that request any longer. She'll get so mad!

"And she'll be so thrilled to see me." Mr. Cake seemed in love with his reflection, his face looking like it lost several years with the enhanced confidence. "I'm like a doppelganger or something, but with my own spin on it."

"Yes!" You like it, okay then. Goodbye! Rarity trotted over to the middle of the boutique, standing right between the stallion and the door. She hoped that her head, curled subtly over to the door, gave enough of a sign.

"I suppose, like you said, only an enormous fellow fan of SAS would be able to get this done." Mr. Cake grinned from cheek to cheek.

Rarity tried to smile back, but her face seemed more strained. She couldn't help letting out some emotions. No need for blathering, please! She visualized her pPad sitting atop her pillows. All done, Mr. Cake. Now, bye!

"I wonder if I should keep my hat off, but then put it on right at the moment I enter, 'dramatic television trope' style." He fiddled with the fedora, his ears flicking backward.

Rarity wiggled with anticipation, trying her hardest not to blurt out anything rube. "Yes! Do it!" Her mane shifted over across her face.

"Right," he replied, and he turned completely around, looking at Rarity's odd expression. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I keeping you from something.

Yes! Get out! "No, darling. I just planned to... well..." Rarity commented.

She didn't have to say another word. He apparently recalled something about what he had to do that night, and he tipped his hat while eyeing the door. Rarity silently picked up a big box with her magic, wrapping supplies lifted in toto as well. Mr. Cake ambled out of his outfit, Rarity magically clutching the pieces moment by moment. He made a happy sort of hi-sign at Rarity as he leaned up against the door.

"I'll see you later. It's always a pleasure," Rarity said, taking a torrent of little breaths afterward. Hurry is never an excuse for impropriety, as one must remember. She leaned back, putting on a content expression. She watched as Mr. Cake grabbed the wrapped box.

"Bye!" He trotted off back to Sugarcube Corner.

"Praise Celestia!" Rarity called out, slumping down on the ground. "But I have time. I have time. I have plenty of time." She sped upstairs, almost leaping over the stairs. She bounced into her bed and gazed at her pPad. She magically lifted it over as well as her old iced tea, still sitting at the nearby end table.

Rarity clicked the device on and took a sip. Ugh! Warm! She muttered a quick spell, causing a thick drippy wave of frost to shoot through the drink. Thank you Twilight for that one-- the giving spell that keeps on giving. She laughed at the memories as she flicked through some of the pPad's applications. More blasted emails? I'm sure that half of them are from that stupid PonyPoints coupon website. Why did I ever sign up for that trendy garbage!

She finally pulled up PonyTube. She paused at the front page. Kittens lifted by elevators onto the top of Canterlot castle? Why don't those silly unicorns ever use more direct magic? Teleportation or something, maybe... She came up upon another video from PinkiePie's account-- this one from her battle with Discord over how many jellybeans someone can suck up her nose with through a straw. Ewwwww. Just... ewwwwwww. Rarity rubbed her hooves against her chin. Forget that stuff! It's time to watch the newest episode!

Rarity clicked over to her subscriptions page, and she gazed upon the variety of fare recently offered by the Equestrian Public Broadcasting Station's web-service. Oh, goodness! Another episode of Uptown Abbey just came out as well! She spotted an interview with Derpy Breeze on the EPBS Newshour program, talking with Judy Woodhoof about the commute to and from Canterlot for her husband's job. Oh, goodness! How can poor Derpy stand to wear that bland, brown dress? Not to mention that HORRID set of stripes along the shoulders!

She eyed a link at the bottom of the screen-- 'Foal's Programming'. She often giggled at that title. Well, if they wanted to make My Little Human for foals only, they sure as Celestia's mane failed miserably at that! She knew the new episode's title, of course, somepony had leaked it weeks in advance. The important thing is that they're finally giving Pete his own episode! Finally, he's been promoted to more than just a mere 'Background Human.' Rarity feasted on the description as her mouse clicked the link

Series: My Little Human: Progress Is Scientific

Title: Saturday Night's (Alright For Magnetic Fighting)

Synopsis: Peter Townsend gets tired of just cleaning the boys' garage, and he determines to tag along in the their next adventure. Meanwhile, some happy-go-lucky humans find their things lost as they go on a bicycle ride through the town's abandoned shipyard. Elton gets a call from an old friend that the Good Luck Bar needs a new piano player for their next several sets. The boys take their Rock-N-Roll MobileĀ® over to the seaside, and Elton takes off. In the group's time of need, could Peter be christened as one of the Damonas? This episode explains the science of magnetism.

Time: 30:20 minutes

Guest Voices: Hoity Toity as Peter Townsend
Fleur De Lis as JP Harvey

Hoity Toity and Fleur De Lis? Wow! Those prodcuers have some deep connections. And, most importantly of all, it's another Elton J, Damona centered epsiode! Rarity fell in love long ago with the tall, sharp, and flamboyant human-- hands smashing pianos with the force of a hurricane as his peacock-like frilly white suits wiggled and his huge eyes winked inside his oversized pink spectacles. In her eyes, everypony had to know the truth. Elton. Is. Best. Human. He's the bold, fast, and brash one! Rarity felt so reminded of a certain rainbow-maned mare.

Rarity hit play, leaning back on the pillows and magically lifting the pPad right over her head. She felt tingly with excitement, hooves rubbing up against each other. The screen went black, image going to full size. Time for the theme song!

Joey Damona pretended to burst through the black background, fourth-wall breaking being that human's specialty. He threw his head back and held his gigantic guitar in the air, the immortal instrument's blue sparkly print erupting with the power of science. Joey looked so adorable with his long black hair, mysterious black sunglasses, absurdly tall and skinny body, black and white striped shirt, and simple white Chuck Taylor sneakers. He has to be the second best human. For sure. He's the perpetually happy and bubbly one. Rarity pictured a certain bouncy pink mare.

Joey slammed his hand down on the guitar, bursting out with a torrent of tasty riffs. Rarity's heart raced. The camera panned down the other five humans, jumping out from off stage right and stage left onto their instruments. Freddie Damona did a split in front of the drums, leaning over as the camera panned out and revealed an enormous array of cables, pipes, tubes, wires, and other laboratory equpiment that put even Twilight to shame.

Damona sang out a powerful chord, pumping a victory fist as he wiggled in his tight, leapord-skin-print spandex. Rarity knew that most humies viewed Freddie, the amazing vocalist human with the second-best smarts in the bunch yet a demure and lonely personality that emphasized loving all kinds of animals, as best human. It's that stupid mustache splattered on his face, though. I'll never like it.

"Hey, ho! Let's go!"

Rarity cranked the volume up, her hooves pumping and sweat beading along her mane.

"Hey, ho! Let's go!" The camera flipped between the musicians as they called their chant out. "Hey, ho! Let's go!"

"Let's go, darling!" Rarity hollered.

"They're kickin' off that old line!" Joey smacked shoulder to shoulder against Freddie, both of them giggling with pure joy. "They're advancin' everyone's mind!" Elton rattled through a bunch of piano chords, hands moving too fast to see. "The kids discover all the time!" Joey spun around in place as he sped through the notes like a buzz-saw. "That science rocks!"

"Science rocks!" Rarity repeated, hooves waving with full force as she hopped up on the bed.

"They're piling in our back seat!" Moon Damona pounded his drums, head spinning out of control like an animal. They're gettin' people on their feet!" Moon threw himself backward, feet mercilessly beating the kick-drums, as he let out a deep snarl. "Discoverin' and thinkin' is their beat!" Joey winked at the camera, clutching the mike right besides his cheek. "'Cuz Science Rocks!"

"Science rocks!" Rarity jumped up on the sheets and looped in the air, the pPad magically swinging in a circle around her head.

"Hey, ho, let's go," Joey sang, fist lining up besides Freddie's. William Nye Demona, the bandleader and the most certifiable genius in the bunch, rippled his arms across an array of electronic knobs and sliders to make some wonderful "bleep, blork, bloop" noises. "Learning all the facts now!" Bill hopped over to Moon, doing a cartwheel in the air. "What they want, we all know!" Joey somehow sped through even faster, just smoking through notes. "They're fillin' their brains, and ready to go!" Everyone's fists pumped straight upwards. "Since! Science! Rocks!"

"SCIENCE ROOOOOOOCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS!" Rarity screamed at full volume, bouncing up and almost slamming her head into the ceiling. She took a moment to wiggle her legs before realizing that she stood on thin air. Rarity fell back down, magically sliding over the pillows and tumbling in a heap onto the floor.


"Rarity?" called out a familiar young voice from downstairs.

She froze.

"What are all the noises going on up there?" Sweetie Belle asked, starting to head upstairs.

"Nothing, darling. Nothing. Just the, uh, normal noises for sure," Rarity replied. She clicked over to pause the video, lowering the volume. "Just go back to bed."

"I still think it's weird, weird, weird that you like a show that I don't like that was made for my age, just for little fillies."

"Back to bed, please, Sweetie Belle," Rarity responded. She waited with baited breath. She heard some shuffling around, and she sighed. She frowned. Well, so what if she doesn't see what's so absolutely precious about My Little Human. For crying out loud, it's about cartoon characters spreading caring and love through science while driving a super-car powered by rock n' roll. What's not to love?. Rarity sat back on her bed and scrolled through her applications.

Oh, I still haven't checked PISfiction... I had all those requests to do and especially that proofreading that I promised as well. She paused, feeling such an odd sense of this starting to seem like work as well as feeling a rush of enjoyment. Oh, well, I suppose one has to find fun from work and work from fun. That's life.

She smiled as she gazed upon the Elton background of PISfiction, the pianist poised with his beautiful diamond-studded outfit from the Gala episode. That has to be my favorite episode. That, or the one where Joey confessed his love for Nash Kate Damona, which wasn't much of a secret to begin with. She always felt irritated that the show only really had one 'canon paring'-- especially given that Katie, as she liked to be called as revealed in the season two opener, was the only female main character. It cut down so much on m/f shipping possibilities as well, unless an author made up some more human OCs.

Rarity scrolled through the front page of new fanfics, and she cringed. She hated seeing how these authors screwed up their human OCs, making them all super cool and overly talented just like the main cast and making all of them musicians. Still, that all read like official Canterlot poetry compared to the pony-in-Guyville self-insert dreck. The latter point just grinded her gears, and Rarity stopped her mouse over a particularly egregious story.

Humie in Guyville: This Time, It's Personal

well, this is my frst fanfic so plz don't be a grammer griffin. ANyways, Spring Step was just another normal humie, going about her day, but then-- all of a suddenly-- he walked into a portal set up by Ozzy Osmare (eeeeeeeyup, it's another crossover folks). she's a pony in the human world! Short story short (see what I did? l.o.l out loud), Spring gets a guitar in her hooves and becomes a rock masture with a few extra bits of Bill Nye's SCIENCE! *Pic taken from Scooby-Dooby-Scuba on HumanChan, many thankings!*


Thirteen Comments

Rarity took a deep breath, and she slid the cursor down to the comments. She felt almost like a pony walking besides a cart-crash with bones broken, she couldn't bear to look away. Please, please, please... let the first comment not be...

No_Limit_Coltcuddler: F.I.R.S.T.

"You're the bane of my internet existence, No_Limit_Coltcuddler!" Rarity called out, wiggling her hoof in the air. She took a deep breath, and she scrolled down. I can't expect any better, can I?

MapleJack101: Wow, let me just break this down for you. And I must say that I hope that Equestrian isn't your native language or something, because I'll be honest and not nice.

One-- Learn the term 'Mary Sue'. Learn it well. Spring Step literally crosses all the Ts and dots all the Is. Do the humans like her the moment that she shows up in Guyville? Yep. Do the humans get surprised at her being non-human, but they don't mind a few sections later? Yep. Does one of the MAIN BUCKING CAST MEMBERS fall for Spring after only a few sections of horrifyingly generic ping-pong dialogue? Yep. Does Spring manage to play a guitar, an instrument-- we must note-- that's made for human beings with fingers and without magic and not ponies with hooves and magic, without even a second's problem? Yep.

Second-- learn to spell. Seriously.

Third-- learn to use quotes. Seriously.

Forth-- I'm going to stop right here. *Clicks away to watch Uptown Abbey*

Rarity's mouth hung open. "Well, MapleJack101, you bite another newbie," she muttered. Oh, dear, I agree with almost every word you posted. But you needed to catch those flies with honey and not vinegar! She could sense what happened next in the comments already.

700-Degree-Mare: (quoted MapleJack101)
>Likes Uptown Abbey
>Confirmed for faget

One_room_Stallion: (quoted 700-Degree-Mare)
>Immmpppllying implications

DoctorApples: well, i for one liked it. You may not have grammar or that stuff going for you, but it was sure funny as anything.

[insert humie clap here]

Todd_the_not_so_human: It was enjoyable, but... I guess... disposable. I have to say, though, please write moar and soon! Moar! [Elton smiles]

700-Degree-Mare: (quoted One_room_Stallion)










"No! How dare that ignorant parasprite use my own photoshopped image of Elton against one of my friends!" Rarity leaned up and prepared to sign in, determined to write a nasty personal message to 700-Degree-Mare. Her hoof wavered just a millimeter away from the screen. No. I promised myself after that horrible, horrible thread two months ago. No more Ponynet flame warring.

She clicked back over to the mane page instead. Let's just see if I got any new comments on my own stories. She went back over to the sign-in section, smiling this time. Isn't it funny? I see Dash, Twilight, Rainbow, and everypony else every day. Yet I see these almost imaginary ponies, or ponies pretending to be humans, even more. It's so surreal.

UserName: Silent_Rainbows

Password: authorsareliquid

She could thank Sweetie Belle for that account information at least, even if the young filly hardly could stand the show. Sweetie's oddly difficult question to Twilight several weeks ago-- "if rainbows are made of lights, light is an electromagnetic wave, waves are made of special packets of energy that act like matter, and those waves often make sound because the packets interact with matter, then do rainbows make sound?", stuck in Rarity's mind like gum to one of Cheerilee's desks. Rarity made up her password on the fly. She saw the loading icon appear, and she shivered with anicimatpion.

Messages: 0

Rarity let out a soft moan for a split-second.

Notifications: 24

Rarity burst out with a sugary "Squee!" She took a deep breath and then clicked every single notification, a tab popping up second by second. She sunk back into the pillows, a little pop of joy going off in her mind with every single "floop" sound with each message. Of course, most of them had to be for the same three new stories that she'd run through, and the whole thing wasn't necessary. That didn't make it any less fun.

She went over to the first tab, seeing the fanfic that she put up right before getting back to work that afternoon. She grinned as well as blushed, her cheeks flowering with a soft red. Her mind flashed through, almost like watching a movie, the scenes she had dreamed up.

When Elton's Keys Broke

A particularly fiery performance at Club JoyLuck in Boystown causes a derilict spotlight to fall straight down from the rafters onto the stage. Elton steps away just in time, but his piano's specially ordered keys are ruined. Dealing with the legal mumbo-jumbo, he has to fight back against some downtown Boystown suits to get the blasted things replaced. Kate stands up for herself for the first time in ages, and the humans bond after a late night just hanging out, enjoying the city. Can love be in the air? Please note that this mature story contains shameless Katelton shipping.


Eight Comments

"Oh, how incredibly wonderful to see eight comments already," Rarity said. Although, a parasprite fic will get twice that amount in the same time. She never could force herself to write one of those dreadful things, though. Even as a parody, it felt so counter-intuitive. She lived and breathed for shipping-- the more sweet and tender the lovemaking scenes the better. Rarity's heart seemed to quiver as she looked up at the votes.

Hooves-Up: 48 Clops
Hooves-Down: 16 Clops

That's a lot of down-hooves. Rarity pulled a hoof through her mane, curling around in her cuddly bead. At least a third or so. And I'll bet that not a single one of those ponies posted any constructive criticism. They were just drive-by clowns, throwing a pie at your face before scurrying away in their miniature cart.

She slid down the comments themselves, and she made a happy sigh. Oh, why do I care about those neigh-sayers? Forget them. I have my fans. She had such an easy time becoming one of the best known romantic authors on the website. She could always check out her main user page for a nice ego-boost, gazing upon the numerous little icons of watchers and the bevy of happy shouts on her chat section. She did it a lot more times a day then she'd be willing to admit in public... assuming that she'd ever talk about being an intense fanmare for such a foal's show in public.

No_Limit_Coltcuddler: I CAN HAS FIRSTIES < Plox

Rarity toyed with the idea of deleting the little twerp's comment, but she just shrugged. Best to let her get hoisted by her own petard. After all, that annoying author had only written two fanfics, Kate Fellates a Stallion's Sack and Derpy Hooves, Raped By Humans, both of which supplied readers with exactly what was said on the title. Rarity, on a dare from her best fan The-Big-Humie, once tried to make it through Derpy Hooves, Raped By Humans. She had even made the mistake to eat lunch before clicking it, too. That screen took so long to wash afterwards... bucking parasprites.

MisterMare: Oh, praise Celestia, more Katelton shipping... and the sex scene is beyond words... I've got nothing. *Throws bits at the screen*

Rarity gazed at the black and white caricature of Princess Luna that MisterMare used as her avatar. She's like a surrogate sister almost. I know so much about her, and I've never even met her. Although... She paused before looking at the rest of the comments. I don't even know what she really looks like. She suddenly giggled. I don't even know if 'she' is really a 'she'. She then moved on.

Big_Mac's_Hat: I got started reading fapfics because of... well...

Oh, geez, I had promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to be associated with this stuff. Then, here you come along, and you write some such beautiful things. I feel inspired to do something myself, although mine would be more foal-rated.

Please keep on writin', sugarcube.

Rarity flipped like a weather-vane in between thinking that Big_Mac's_Hat was Applejack and thinking that Big_Mac's_Hat was somepony making fun of Applejack. Either way seemed about as likely. Either way, Rarity adored that mare, especially the smoothly drawn fanart on her user page. She does guitars so well. All the details on all the strings look fantastic.

Fran_the_Fran: All I can say is-- voting up.

Snake-In-The-Plot: I can't add anything. It's my voice in the chorus. This is what shipping should be. This is what shipping must be.

Miss_Everything_99: This one was bad... in that it was TOO BUCKING SHORT! Write more epic 75K word love myths like 'The Pony's Best Nightmare'. Please.

CelestiaAteMyHomework: Must... not... clop... AH! *votes up*

"Oh, you're all too sweet," Rarity whispered. "So sweet!" She fanned herself with mock melodrama, especially loving the mention of her surprise mega-hit with thousands of views, The Pony's Best Nightmare. Seriously, I can hardly stand it anymore. I. Must. Meet. These. Mares. Right now! She had long dreamed about a big party, probably down at 'Lulu's'- an open-minded nightclub with a private party space naturally secluded by beautiful oak trees.

The manager, some relative of Strawberry Dawn and Twist, had a scarily similar mane-style and glasses to that nerdy foal as well as Twist's endlessly kind personality. The only problem would be keeping Pinkie Pie away from our My Little Human meet-up. Or maybe she IS Snake-In-The-Plot? Rarity sniffed, trying not to burst out laughing at the thought. Maybe. Who knows! I don't. Not yet, anyways. She went back to the comments.

Todd_the_not_so_human: I rate you, uhhhhh, ten bananas out of ten bananas.


NonFanMare: Wait, hold on? This is shipping with Elton? The flamboyant one? And it's not m/m?

The-Big-Humie: Well, Silent_Rainbows, what do we have here? You went ahead and wrote out my request. And this fast of a turnaround? My, my. I'd say that you write like a machine, except that no machine can make these kinds of wonderful stories. I'm very happy to see this.

I wish there was some way that I could thank you personally in a nature befitting this sensual fanfic (wink, wink), but, alas, technology isn't there. Yet. *upvotes with extreme prejudice*

Rarity's eyes didn't want to move from TBH's wonderful avatar. That portrait of the drummer, Moon, hoof drawn somehow with fascinating attention to getting everything right from eyebrows to seductive smile, always grabbed her attention. What's more, she couldn't have asked for a better message. "Oh, darling, so you say that you'd like to thank me personally," Rarity muttered. She found her shoulders wiggling with anticipation. She clicked over to TBH's user page, and she read through the user description for the umpteenth time.

The words kept changing around. Rarity loved it every time. He says, "Writing for those other ponies out there that see in fiction what's hard to find in real-life. Jumps with soft landings. Contentment mixed with a little danger. I can't quite put it into words, but I suppose that writing allows me to explore what makes ponies really feel happy. Not just play happy, being happy because everpony around . I guess this is just a meandering expression for 'I write erotic romances about humans.' Thanks for reading. *Kisses*"

Somehow, reading that implied kiss gave Rarity the same joy as anticipating the real thing. "And I will have the real thing, TBH, mark my words. You can tease, tease, tease, but someday I'm going to make you please, you romantic stallion you," Rarity said. She browsed through some of TBH's old works.

When Hands Touch Hooves

Just the title brought a flutter to Rarity's heart, her mane wiggling up against her shoulders. She had read the story dozens upon dozens of times. She'd have to check it out once again, this time just for inspiration in her new fanfictions.


Two-hundred-five Comments

Rarity scrolled over to the midpoint of the story, the "first consummation moment" as TBH remarked. He deserves those views. Every last bucking one of them. Rarity already posed her hooves against her belly, making little circles in her warm fur.

His face buried deep into my mane, bringing him tingles of sheer pleasure. I knew that he loved my sleek, wonderfully smooth blue locks-- brushing it, petting it, putting his talented hands through it, and letting it go all along his handsome features. I loved those talented touches as well, with him falling in love with every supple curve.

However, my heart lead me someplace else. I needed more. He brought me so close to the edge, his kisses moving down my neck over to my wanting chest. His tongue explored across my fur, ripples of joy coursing through my body. Yet he still managed to bring my mane along for the fun, curling around my own body as well.

He brought me so close, but he had to go over the edge. It had to be that time. I took a deep breath, my hooves sliding up his slender shoulders. I leaned back into the sheets, poising his body on top of mine. His hands nudged down to my belly. I gazed into his eyes. He gazed into mine. The mere three-letter word "sex" could barely describe what he wanted to do, to feel me. To have me. To take me.

Several minutes later, Rarity magically lifted over a scroll and pen from the set of cups behind her. She glanced up at Lulu's little Yellow Page listing online, and she started jotting her plans down. TBH... you're going to be a lot more than just a blank username to me. And very soon. I promise you that.

To Be Continued...

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