jacktheripper5000
Joined 16th Jul, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Glad we know what we're getting into.
Well...
...fuck. I'd rather not go to Equestria right now.
Will am going to keep a eye on this I like were it going
That doesn't give off an air of Gary Stuness. (Sarcasm)
The summary/synopsis on your story is the second thing your readers will see about it after the title. "Stuff happens" does not make a good summary or synopsis.
Come on, man. You've gotta at least TRY to make a detailed description. That one barely tells us anything, except that it will probably be another typical HiE story with nothing interesting happening.
-Edit- Much better than it was. Nice job.
You know...I've read stories that have been damn good. Amazing even.
They had nearly an equal amount of dislikes and likes mind you, and barely any favorites.
Wanna know why?
Because to sell a story you need to have a good, detailed description. Not a lazy, half arsed one like we have here.
From one writer to another, I'd seriously advise you work on that description if you want this story to blow up a little.
Question before I read.
I take it from the cover art that Celestia is his love interest, no?
If so then why isn't she listed as a major character?
I tried to get past the very obvious gary-stu description. I decided to give this a read without prematurely judging it. But holy tap dancing batman on pogo sticks, this was incredibly dull! First off, your opening was so bad on grammar, sentence structure and pacing that I wanted to close the tab right then and there. Secondly, nothing in this seemed to even hint that this wouldn't be your basic HiE self-insert, wish fulfillment bullshit. Guy gets sent to Equestria somehow, meets Mane 6, befriends said Mane 6 while also having somewhat of a misunderstanding on something or another.
Boring! I normally like HiE, but this was so full with every single stereotype of the genre that I just can't bring myself to torture my eyes and brain with this atrocity. Best thing you can hope for is to get readers who don't mind reading the same plot for every HiE out there. That's my honest opinion.
I don't want to be mean, but there isn't a whole lot of detailing going on here, at least in my stories I try and be detailed as I possibly can be, as well as entertaining.
4809475 I've read a few of your stories and they have a damn good description and they are damn good. I have three stories myself, two complete stories and one that I'm working on my third story.
4814024
And redundancy is redundant. Though I do agree to your statement, it does have the quality for foundation that needs to be slightly reworked with the inclusion of spelling and grammatical fixes. However, aside from any negatives, it is a rather nice story.
4814579 Yeah all that needs to be done is the grammatical fixes, but as I said before the story is entertaining, I'm sorta of wanting Brandon to fall in love with Tia, then having them bound then having Tia bound their souls together, then have sex with her, and them finding out later that humans and Alicorns are genetically compatible and that they would have a kid or kids together.
I agree with the above comments. We really don't have enough HumanxCelestia shipfics. It's almost always Luna or Rainbow Dash. It'd be a nice change to see Celestia get a little more love, in my opinion.
this is awesome dude keep up the good work i would like to see brandon using magic and learning about it and maybe put discord in it and become best buddies or something
4815689
From what I've seen 60% of ship fics are with Twilight or Rainbow, 15% Luna and the last 25% is with others
4817485 I've been around on this site for years now, and I think I can safely say that about 60-70% of all HiE shipfics are done with Luna. That's why I've come to dislike her so much now. Because she's so over used and the fanbase for her alone is just irritating to no end. In my opinion, at least. They sugar coat the hell out of her when she's really not all that special to begin with. A bitch, even.
I think it's also safe to say that Celestia shipfics are under 3% at the maximum. It really sucks for me, since she's my favorite, but w/e. Point is, Luna is extremely overdone. Way more overdone than your numbers say, believe me.
My email said there was a new chapter where is it!!!!
anyhoo I like the story so far keep up the good work!!!!!
4817584
Twilight and Rainbow also take up large sections of HiE shippings so only a good 10-20% of HiE ships are with anybody but those 3.
I agree with the overuse and sugar coating of Luna shipping but she will stay as one of my favourite characters
awesome thanks for the new update i love your chapters but maybe in the next chapter can brandon ask twilight if he can be tought magic please and maybe in a couple of chapters later he can have a cutie mark
that was dick move on tia and luna part you would think after reading the note they wouldn't send he back
deja vu.
4817688 To each his own opinion, man. She's my least favorite pony for a few reasons, but I can respect your preferences. And I agree that Twilight and Dash are high up there, but from personal experience, I've seen an abundance of Luna, higher than all the rest.
I think she even made #1 for most favorite pony of all time, so that would explain the abnormal amount of ship fics circling around her alone.
How the hell is he forgiving them this fast!? What he just experienced in his own world should be traumatizing as it is. Yes he comes back to others that love him dearly, but that still leaves him knowing that his mother is dead by the hands of his own father. No matter how much you distance yourself from your family, it will still hurt you from within.
This story is turning out pretty nice, I think. But I'm kind of confused about the cover art. It makes this sort of misleading. Here I thought I was reading a Celestia shipfic, and incomes all this Twilight romance. I really don't mind at all, but the cover art just through me off. It'd make more sense if it was a nice imagine of Twilight or something.
Unless you're making this a harem fic, I don't honestly get that at all.
this story seems so familiar like I've read it before why is that please tell me I'm not the only one!!!
"Yes...yes!” I groaned loudly
I've always wondered, if you s spoke. .. let's say French, would you yell "wee wee" instead?
4821201
strong mentality?
i love this story its so good i dont care about grammar really but your imagination on this story and the plot is so awesome wish i had a katana like sword cos all i wanna do is protect people i might just join the army when im 18 but im only 14 so that sucks i know how bad the army is but i would love to protect people
moar
Thank you so much
Now I know I'm not crazy this chapter proves it I have read this story somewhere else before I know I have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4827120 i did have some of this on fanfiction but none of it was proofread and i stopped writing for a while and when i started writing it again i brought it here and proofread them and altered things so thats probably why. And i think i only had 9 chapters up, the rest wasn't written. but now im going to finish it.
this story is awesome
4827353 Thank you
"There will always be shadows in our world, for there is always light. The shadows will never truly be gone, so long as there is light.”
this say like it from kingdom hearts or it just me
I'm just pointing this out:
. It's supposed to be calm.
thanks so much for these 2 chapters they are simply fantastic you deserve a medal
in the next chapter i hope to see the human training his magic abilities and using his sword
"Nah man, go for what you know; so I'm guessing you're a furry then?” I lost it there ohgod
Spelling/grammar = 2.5/6
Storyline = 5/6
Other features (e.g. comedy) = 2.5/3
Pacing = 1/2
Creativity = 1/1
Description = .5/2
Total score = 12.5/20
Potential to improve = 83%
Great story so far, but you should try doing some more proofreading, and maybe try getting an editor. Also try to be more descriptive, it Will make the story longer and more fun to read.
I see large amounts of potential for this story, more so then in most other FIMfics I've read. I hope you keep updating this story, and try to improve on the quality (which is already way higher than a lot of things I've read before)
If anything, people should read this for the storyline, which is well done, but just a tad rushed seeming.
Please note: this is all suggestion and personal opinion, there is no need to do any of this
I'm calling bullshit on that.
I'm sorry, but I just have to correct this. The correct way of saying this is "Pinkie and I" it's also the name followed by "I"
There, I've said my part. Now give me your worst grammar nazi comments.