Story
Tuesday morning is not peak buying time for firearms and firearm accessories. The store was deserted, save for one poor fool behind the counter. Me.
I glanced towards the door, hoping a customer might come in, but no luck. In the absence of business, I had a computer running Windows XP and all the Minesweeper I could play. Any retail job can have long periods of inactivity, or so I’ve heard. All I’ve ever sold is weapons.
As a gun nut, I would have thought working in a gun store would be great, but it gets boring after the first few years. Guns! Guns. Guns…sigh. I'd experienced a few interesting things during my time at the shop, but now I felt that I had seen everything.
So, it was just me and my little smiley faced friend who hoped I wouldn’t blow him up as I clicked on the mouse. The computer also functioned as the payment authorization system, but I hadn’t seen any customers in the past hour.
Until…aha! The door chime! I turned in my swivel chair and stood up. Activate salesman smile.
The customer who had just walked in was a purple unicorn. To put it mildly, I was kind of surprised. Five years ago, I probably would have dialed 911 and reported myself insane if I thought I saw something like that walk into the store.
Science, however, had decided to change everything. Exactly how another universe had been stumbled upon was still classified information, but the fact remained that it had happened. Suddenly, there were magical ponies everywhere, walking into our gun shops and stuff.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
The pony smiled and came walking over. “I’d like to learn about firearms.”
The voice sounded female. That was what I had thought based on the purple coloring, but I wasn’t willing to assume anything. Getting a customer’s gender wrong was one of the best ways to lose repeat business.
The unicorn had large eyes, also purple, and pink stripe in her mane. Slung on her back were a set of white saddlebags that appeared to have some kind of design on them.
My mouth opened slightly as I searched for something to say. While her statement was typical of a first time customer, it was still so strange coming from a pony.
“Firearms. That’s a big subject,” I finally said.
“I was told that I needed a handgun,” she replied.
“Wha—who told you that?” First the pony wanted to learn about guns, and now she actually wanted one? Regardless of whether the unicorn in front of me was real or not, I was still thinking about calling the men in white coats.
“The reason I need it is kind of a long story,” she told me.
I gestured the empty store. “I’ve got time.”
She thought for a moment, as if deciding where to begin. “I’ve been traveling across the United States looking for new aspects of friendship to report on."
She seemed about to say more, but I interrupted her. “You’re on some kind of friendship trip?”
“That’s right.” The horn on her forehead glowed and one of her saddlebags opened, a sheet of parchment rising out of it. My eyes opened wide. I'd heard about magic, but had never seen any before.
She laid the note on the counter.
Twilight Sparkle's friendship expedition to the United States of America
Letter #16
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have left Portland and bid my new friends goodbye. They promise they will keep me updated on the latest bands before they become popular. I am still not quite sure what a Twitter is, but I may have to obtain one.
Speaking of acquisitions, I have recently been informed that I will need to purchase a handgun. Here in Kentucky, the people insist that that to fully examine their way of life, I will need to experience "range time."
Owing to the favorable exchange rate of bits-to-dollars, this should not be a problem.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
“My assistant was going to send this letter later today,” said the pony. “He’s back at the hotel right now.”
“So your name is Twilight Sparkle?” I asked.
She nodded. “I can show you my passport, if you like.”
“No, that’s all right.” I studied the rest of the letter. She was a student of Princess Celestia? As in, that white pony who was on TV with the President? I was suddenly a lot more cautious than before. I hoped Equestria's version of the Secret Service wouldn’t burst through the door looking for Twilight. She was clearly an important pony.
“So…what gave you the idea that everyone in Kentucky wants you to buy a gun?” I asked.
“I’ve been investigating friendship relations among various groups of people,” said the pony. “I came here for information regarding rednecks.”
I couldn’t help it. I snorted with laughter.
“Sorry,” I said, regaining my composure. “Go on.”
“Well, by asking around I was able to find some,” she said. “They all seemed very proud of the title ‘redneck’. Unfortunately, none of them can pin down exactly what the definition of that is.”
She frowned, looking like she was remembering something confusing. “They also argued about Louisville versus UK.”
I nodded. “Welcome to Kentucky.”
“Anyway,” said the pony, “one thing they all agreed on was firearms. I decided to investigate further, and so here I am.”
I nodded slowly. “So you want me to teach you…everything about firearms.”
“If you can," she said.
“Honestly, I think you’d be better off at a library. My knowledge only covers about the last hundred years of gun history.”
“I was planning to stop there later.” She laughed. “I think I have more library cards from the United States than I do from Equestria.”
“Well, I guess I can talk about what’s on display here in this store,” I said. I spread my arms like a showman. “Where would you like to begin?”
The pony frowned, looking overwhelmed. There were rifles and shotguns on the rack behind me, pistols and revolvers in the glass case under the counter. Ammunition, targets, and miscellaneous items lined the shelves.
“Uh, how about we start with something basic,” she said. “What’s that you’re wearing?”
I touched the weapon in my holster lightly with my fingertips. “This is a Rock Island Armory 1911A1. The safety’s been converted to ambidextrous. It’s got a set of Mako funnel grips and an Ed Brown trigger that breaks at three and a half pounds.” I shrugged. “Probably not the best carry gun, but I like it.”
The unicorn looked more confused than ever, and I was afraid I might have made her think the subject was too difficult to understand.
She shook her head. “All right, start over. Explain that sentence by sentence.”
I slowly walked back through everything I had said.
“So Rock Island is the company that made it?” she asked.
“Well, actually that’s a just a trademark of Armscor. They also make stuff for other companies like STI and Charles Daly.”
“That doesn’t sound simple,” the unicorn noted. “Are there a lot of gun companies?”
“Tough question.” I counted on my fingers. “I can think of two dozen off the top of my head. The answer is probably hundreds, if not thousands.”
“That’s…a lot of weapons.”
I nodded. “There are almost three hundred million guns in the United States. Coincidentally, there are also about three hundred million people.”
“But…why do you need that many?"
I shrugged. “It’s America. You’re not from this planet, so I don’t expect you to understand.”
“I certainly don’t,” said the pony. "Aren't there some kind of regulations?"
"Some."
"So why don't they limit the number?" she asked.
The phrase you can have my guns when you pry them from my cold dead hands drifted across my mind. Deciding that the pony didn't need to be exposed to Charlton Heston, I said, "Limiting guns would be politically unpopular."
"Oh, politics," said the pony. "I'd rather not talk about that."
"Good for you."
She smiled. It looked like we had something in common.
The pony said, “Sorry about that, I get sidetracked easily. My original purpose in coming here was to learn about firearms and perhaps acquire one.”
“I apologize, but even with jumping through all the right loopholes, you still have to live here for ninety days to establish residency before you can legally buy one from me.” Regrettable. I really wanted to sell a pony a gun.
“But what will I do?” she said, sounding somewhat panicked.
“Whoa, calm down. Before you go buying a gun from some shady guy on the street corner, why don’t you ask one of your redneck friends if they would let you borrow one?”
She nodded, looking relieved. “I could do that.”
He expression changed to worry, although not quite as severe as before. “I still don’t know how to use a gun."
“Well, it’s no substitute for actually spending time on the range, but I can go over basic safety with you.” I picked a stainless steel S&W out of the display case and showed it to her.
“Is it loaded?” I asked her.
“I don’t know," she replied.
I nodded. “Exactly. Rule one of gun safety is ‘Treat every weapon as if it is loaded’.”
I racked the slide and showed her the empty chamber and magazine. “You can see there isn’t any ammunition in there, but maybe if you leave the gun alone for a moment an idiot might come along and put some in. When you pick the weapon up again, you might not think it’s loaded even though it suddenly is. So, to be safe, just assume all guns are loaded all the time."
“That makes sense,” said the pony.
I went on. “The second rule is ‘Always point the gun in a safe direction.’ Here in the shop, that’s towards the floor or the back wall. Basically, if you would feel bad about putting a bullet hole in something, don’t point the gun at it in the first place.”
I continued. “The third rule is ‘Keep you finger off the trigger until you are actually ready to fire’."
“How does that apply if I don’t have fingers?” the unicorn asked.
I thought for a moment. “Good question. Moving on. The fourth rule is ‘Be sure of your target and what is around it’. If you miss, or if the bullet passes through the target, you don’t want to hit something else by mistake.”
“I understand,” she nodded.
I laid the pistol flat in my hand and held it out to her. “Have a look.”
The purple glow of her magic surrounded the gun, and I jerked my hand back in surprise. The pony didn’t seem to notice, as her whole attention was fixed on the firearm she’d just picked up.
“How do I use it?” she asked. “I mean, I understand the trigger, but what about everything else?”
“Well, first you’d press that little button to release the magazine, which you would then fill with ammunition. Once you put the mag back in, you’d release the slide with the catch there on the side. Once the safety is off, you could then begin firing.”
“Could you give me a demonstration?” the pony asked.
“I can't show you with live ammunition. We have a store policy about that."
“But I can’t show up to the shooting range knowing nothing,” she said, the edge of panic back in her voice.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine," I consoled her. "If they’re really your friends, they’ll understand and help you learn.”
The pony nodded, calming down. “That makes sense. I may have to put that in my next friendship report to the Princess."
She laid the pistol back on the counter. “Thanks a lot.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Oh, and there's a gun show in town this weekend. If you're interested, there'll be thousands of guns on display." I pushed a flyer across the counter.
She examined the slip of paper. "Sounds interesting. Thanks again." She put the flyer in her saddlebag and headed for the door.
I sat down in my chair again and sighed. Just when you thought you'd seen everything...
Many thanks to Doctor Whooves for the cover art.
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“But…why do you need that many?"
Quoted for... well, I'm sure you can guess what it's quoted for. Because, seriously? 300 million guns?
I swear, America has more guns than collective brain cells.
524193
And proud of it.
so are you going to write about Twilight going to the gun show now? Beacuse that would be awesome.
Your stories are awesome, Totallynotabrony.
I have a feeling this will go downhill very fast.
I have to wonder where Twilight would carry a gun when she wasn't using it.
Yay guns
Yay 10th like
Wow, so I guess she will turn into Solid Sparkle when this is over (hopefully it won't end soon
)?
Oh crap, I forgot to favorite and like before I read it....
524569 A holster just like the rest of us. Getting a belt to hang it on would be difficut, though.
524588
Sorry, it's a one-shot.
Heh, pun.
524602 Battle Saddles, ala Fallout: Equestria
With so many stories coming out, it is only a matter of time until you delve into the delightful hellhole otherwise known as Ship fics.
I look forward to that day.
524622
*facepalm* You people won't rest until I write Battleshipping is Magic, will you?
524626
not even a wink.
524626
You know, you have to write that now.
She asks "why?", I'd respond with "why not?"
Awwww, that's cute.
The nice storekeeper is trying not to scare Twilight by saying that there's only a 1:1 gun to person ratio.
Gleefully awaiting more!
...wait what, it's a one-shot?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Well to put it bluntly, your already one of our favorite writes. ( Yes I am assuming control over his fanbase, deal with it)
We simply wish to see you branch out, extend your horizons so to speak.
Regardless of if it turns out good or bad, you already have so much to fall back on it's not even funny.
So why not give it a shot!
Ah, Kentucky.
I live there
524602 Ah. I'm a bit totally ignorant when it comes to guns, to be honest.
lol dam dude you have been busy since we last worked on a story. lol
524693
Good on ya, mate.
524689
I was expecting more comments about the state. When I posted The Cutie Mark Crusaders get lost in North Carolina, all kinds of Tarheels came out of the woodwork.
This was interesting, but the ending is abrupt, and I'm disappointed that it is over before before the story progressed beyond the safety lesson; it feels like a loss that we won't get to read about Twilight's adventures with the rednecks or her visit to the gun convention.
524803
Sequels, man.
I have to admit, I get involved in too many projects at once. I'm working on three stories at once right now, and I've got ideas for like a dozen others.
Sigh. I need a vacation.
Yay, proper safety and gun discipline!
524193
Don't get jealous because you cant get guns. Also, land on the moon before you start insulting other countries.
Very nice :D
524864
Play nice, kids. America burst forth from the fertile loins of Europe, after all.
524864
Please. As soon as your country has 'Great' in front of its name, you can talk to me.
524913
I know - America is sort of like a disappointing child that way.
524913
Europe's great and i'm proud of my European ancestry. I get mad when people start insulting my county with weak reasoning.
524193
No offense though, I'm fine with the lack of European guns, but you might want one if some goon (or chav/pikey) comes and breaks into your house.
524913
That's a mental image I could have done without.
524199
Can I get a Fuck Yeah!!!
524998
I'm practicing to write a shipfic. The public demands it.
524995
What, and get shot? You know, I think I'll stick with a cricket bat. Much less likely to kill someone.
And much more satisfying.
525004
I don't care if i kill them honestly. Besides if some scumbag breaks into my house I don't want to get within (baseball) bats reach, my Ithaca 37 provides the advantage, and controlling guns doesn't work in America, cities with more gun control have a higher crime rate.
525004 525057
I respectfully ask that this discussion be carried on somewhere else. Thank you.
No prob, lets end this now.525078
525078
Sure, mate. Sorry about that.
524689 I live north of your state. We love guns just as much here in the Hoosier state.
525004 Yeah, nothing like beating the ever living crap out of someone with sports equipment. Not to mention they can turn right around and sue you for injury.
524998 Totally agree with that statement.
“But…why do you need that many?"
Because there are people in this world for whom killing is not an obstacle to taking whatever they want from you. And when seconds count, the police are just minutes away. (Call 911, then call Dominoes. See who gets there first.)
And in some terrible cases, it's the police who are coming to take whatever they want....
This was awesome. Here, where I live (Ponyville...no, I wasn't kidding), where there's nothing but apple orchards, horses and gunshops, somehow I can actually see this happening. I'd actually love to see more of this story, just for the sheer dementedness of it.
524913
Yes. Because we couldn't leave fast enough.
I recall one snot ranting in a forum "why don't all you gun-crazy Tea Partiers go make your own country?"
The pearl of a response: "We did. Who the hell let you in?"
it does bring up the question of what sort of handgun would be most appropriate for a species with no hands.... Unicorns could pull it off with TK, but what about earth ponies and pegasi?
Then again, considering the sheer destructive force the average unicorn can unleash just with their horn, for them a gun would be incredibly redundant.... Even a relatively weak unicorn like, say, Rarity, could be a whirlwind of death (scissors, sewing needles, etc..... yeek.)
... And do we really want to reflect on the fact that Pinkie Pie lugs around a CANNON?
525002
Steam, diesel, sail, battle?
Read the description and thought "ponies...twilight...america...guns...BUCK YEAH"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS-FoXbjVI
This could be... interesting. Tracked
There's no gunshops up here persay, just army surplus stores and pawn shops. Dis make me sad. I will now go play with one of my many knives. Balisongs are my personal favorite!
SEQUEL IS REQUIRED! Please write more!
524626
Your like one of those few writers who doesn't touch shipping. Or clopping. Or anything else. But Battleshiping is magic? I can just see the Admiral and Twilight.