Hair Raiser's Doubts
When Twilight left the room to give Aurora some time to sleep, she began to take a rather long walk towards the door of her castle. Her hoofsteps resonated across the walls and ceilings as she got closer and closer to the door. While she was certain that Aurora and the Power Foals were safe, she wasn't entirely sure that Hair Raiser was safe at the school, even with the other fillies and colts that would be willing to welcome her into the class.
Eventually, she walked out of the door and spread her wings. Within seconds, Twilight was airborne, and was now flying towards the schoolhouse to collect Hair Raiser for the evening. She did a quick scan of the kingdom as she flew over, to make sure that nothing was wrong. Happy that her findings were still serene and peaceful, Twilight flying speed bolstered as she progressed towards the school.
When she arrived, she was quite welcomed. Not just by Cheerilee, but most of her class as well. The students quickly dispersed as Hair Raiser made her way towards Twilight, so that they could give Twilight and Hair Raiser some space as they reunited.
"I trust that her first day was a good one?" Twilight asked once Hair Raiser was put onto her back and secured by one of her spells.
"Well, she did express a little bit of empathy towards Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, but they too seemed a little riled up as well. I've already told the two troublemakers off, since Hair Raiser's new to the class. However, I'm going to have to warn her that she shouldn't lash out at fillies for no good reason..." Cheerilee said.
"Well, I did tell her that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were troublemakers, so I guess she was just trying to do some good," Twilight said, looking back at Hair Raiser before continuing. "However, once I get home, I'm going to tell her that doing the right thing, doesn't always involve throwing your weight around at somepony who thinks they're better than you..."
"You're absolutely right, Your Highness," Cheerilee agreed with her, knowing that the two of them were quite knowledgeable mares. "Sometimes, fighting back isn't the right way to go when dealing with bullies. No matter how intimidated or angered somepony feels, that doesn't mean that it's a cue for them to begin a physical fight with their tormentors..."
"Umm... excuse me?" Hair Raiser tugged on Twilight's ear lightly, quickly grabbing her attention. "I don't mean to interrupt, but why exactly did you tell me that Diamond and Silver are such meanies?"
"Well, Hair Raiser, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are the daughters of some of Equestria's biggest moguls; Filthy Rich and Gold Treasury." Twilight explained.
"What's a mogul?" Hair Raiser asked, confused by what the word meant.
"A mogul is a pony who has either earned millions and millions of bits, or acquired territorial dominance," Twilight began explaining. "In short, a mogul is a rich pony, or the leader of a lot of towns and cities."
"Because their fathers are so rich, it only makes sense that they're driven down this path, Hair Raiser," Cheerilee took over for Twilight. "Anyone in the family, be it child, wife, or even relatives, they all share the same family fortune. Diamond and Silver are given all of the best stuff, because their fathers are quite rich and famous. You could call it sucking up to cute-looking faces like theirs, but in truth, this is the kind of thing you expect from the daughter of a business tycoon," her words made Hair Raiser think. "They can't help showing off most of the time, as they're usually right in saying that they're richer than most others. However, that gives them no reason to torment somepony into believing that they aren't special as well. They might be in my class, but they sure as Tartarus aren't running it, that's for sure..."
"Don't worry about it, Hair Raiser. Those two might look and sound intimidating when you're not in lessons, but they're actually suckers for attention, since they're the daughters of Filthy and Gold." Twilight reassured Hair Raiser with her words, seeing the filly brighten up only slightly.
"Anyways, we'd better get going," Twilight said as she began to flap her wings, making Hair Raiser hold on tight to her neck. "There's a rather wonderful Aurora Borealis over Ponyville tonight, and I want to make sure that Aurora and Hair Raiser get the best views..."
Twilight bid farewell to Cheerilee, then took to the skies for her house. She performed one more mental scan of the town, seeing that everything was still fine before moving onwards to the front door of her castle.
"You know, there's a perfectly good balcony up there, Mum," Hair Raiser said, pointing out Twilight's castle had a rather beautiful golden balcony sticking out of the left side. "How come you can't land on there?"
"While the balcony is a good place to land, it's primarily used for royal decrees only," Twilight said before she began to blush. She then sheepishly said, "Not like I'm gonna be giving any of those any time soon..."
The massive door opened up once more, and Twilight took Hair Raiser inside before shutting it again. Once the door shut and its' noise echoed throughout the castle, Hair Raiser leapt off of her back and walked down the hallways with her.
Once they arrived at Hair Raiser's room, Twilight said, "If there's anything you'd like to do in your room, be sure to do it quietly or take it out with you."
"Why quietly?" Hair Raiser asked before the door was opened slowly. She was walked into the room and over to Aurora's crib.
"That's why..." Twilight said, showing the sleeping Aurora off to Hair Raiser. "Your little sister's fast asleep..."
"Aww..." Hair Raiser swooned over how cute Aurora looked in the blanket that she was wrapped in. "Look at the cute widdle foal... She's so squishy and adorable!"
"True, but she's also quite powerful, Hair. She almost gave Spike a run for his money today..." Twilight said, thinking about all of the things that she and the other Power Foals could have possibly done to Spike. "But anyway, she needs her sleep. All foals do at this state. It's to help re-energize themselves and get ready for the last few hours of the day."
"Hmm... I wonder what I was like as a foal..." Hair Raiser pondered that as her hair grabbed some crayons and a large notepad. As she pondered what her foalhood was like, Hair Raiser walked out with Twilight. They did so quietly, so as not to wake Aurora from her slumber.
When the two of them were out, Hair Raiser and Twilight went their separate ways. Twilight went towards the upper levels of the castle, whilst Hair Raiser decided to do some drawing in the confines of one of the castle's rooms.
She found herself in a rather spacious room, with a large variety of furnishings inside. There were banners and drapes all across the walls, chairs and tables across the floor, and even a bookshelf with "fiction" and "non-fiction" areas if someone needed to grab a book. She walked into the room and used her hair to pull one of the massive chairs towards her.
Then, a thought struck her. How was it that it was always her hair that was this long? And that it had these powerful properties? She then thought about the other ponies that she'd come across during her time in Equestria. None of them used their hair for all those things, let alone for one thing other than just being shown off to the world. Something was clearly wrong. How was it, that her mane and tail could do all kinds of extraordinary things, but other ponies' hair couldn't? As that thought sunk deep, she pondered her existence, and how it aligned itself with the ponies of Equestria. Was she really a freak of nature, and the only one who could use her hair like this? And how was it that she could control this hair perfectly, even as a small filly?
Eventually, she decided not to let those thoughts bother her, as she could tell Twilight all about it for future reference. Instead, she focused on using her hair like an artist's easel, whilst using her mouth to draw on the notepad that her hair was suspending in the air.
Meanwhile, the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked into the castle, since they now came in for their usual Twilight Time sessions after school. However, since this was their first time in the castle, they couldn't help but be awestruck with how colossal the foyer was. However, that didn't stop them from travelling down the corridors in an attempt to find Twilight for their Twilight Time session of the day.
"Where do ya think she could be?" Applebloom asked after a rough five minutes of exploring the hallways.
"I think she's probably upstairs, handling some important princess business..." Scootaloo thought about Twilight position as the Princess of Friendship. "Maybe she's having an off-day today?"
"No, I don't think that's possible, Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle responded, thinking about how Twilight still seemed like a normal pony, despite being Equestria's latest princess. "Even though Twilight's a princess now, I don't think she'd forget about us. I mean, she has been teaching us some amazing things..." she finished whilst lighting up her horn.
"Maybe she's just fillin' in some paperwork or somethin'..." Applebloom walked down another hallway with the rest of the CMC in tow. "We should find her and then wait. She'll have our Twilight Time just like the other days."
Just before they could walk down another hallway, something had caught Sweetie Belle's eyes. One of the doors was open, and there was the almost inaudible noise of crayon being used on paper. Her curiosity piqued by the noise, Sweetie Belle walked over to the open door and poked her head through the crack.
Inside, she could see that Hair Raiser was hard at work, drawing pictures of whatever came to her mind. Most of her hair was doing the work, but she was using a crayon in her muzzle as well, to prove that she wasn't entirely lazy.
"Hey, isn't that Hair Raiser?" Applebloom whispered to the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, so as not to break Hair Raiser's concentration and make her drawing sloppy and ruined. "What do ya think she's drawin'?"
"Probably pictures of her and Twilight..." Sweetie Belle thought, looking at how focused Hair Raiser was on the picture she was drawing. "The two of them do seem to have some sort of connection with each other..."
"Well, she is Twilight's adopted daughter, from what I've heard..." Scootaloo said, looking at how childish Hair Raiser was looking at this point. Sometimes, she would catch little glimpses of crayon colours in Hair's hair, or on her face and hooves. "But then again, she might just be a filly who loves Twilight so much that she refuses to leave the castle..."
"Huh?" Hair Raiser was broken from her concentration. However, she had stopped using her crayons for a bit, so her picture wasn't ruined. She looked at the source of the noise, seeing the heads of the Cutie Mark Crusaders peering in at her. "Oh. Hi, girls! Come on in!" she used her hoof to signal the fillies that they could come into the room and talk to her. "I'll be honest, I didn't expect to see you three here this evening..."
"Well, truth be told, Hair Raiser, we come to Twilight every evening for her special Twilight Time after-school sessions," Sweetie Belle explained the reason that she and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders were at the castle with her. "You see, every day after school, Twilight tutors us in specific fields, helping us develop some skills we're quite interested in learning for the future..."
"She's helping me develop alchemy, Scootaloo with mechanic work, and Sweetie Belle with her magic," Applebloom said, bluntly listing all of the things that Twilight helped them out with. "And those are only a few of the skills she offers. In fact, ah heard she'd offerin' up even more chances fer us. Maybe things like stargazin' and hairstylin'..."
When hair was mentioned, Hair Raiser then felt a wave of doubt wash over her. She remembered that her hair was abnormal, and had unique properties that no-one else's hair had. Her expression shifted from interested to glum in seconds.
"Oh... Did ah say somethin', Hair?" Applebloom asked, looking at how suddenly Hair Raiser's mood had shifted.
"Applebloom..." Hair Raiser eventually said after a long breath. "Do all ponies have extend-able and functional hair like me?"
"No," Applebloom said rather swiftly. "Why'd ya ask, Hair?"
"Well..." she sighed and used her hair as a makeshift bed for her to flop onto. "I've been wondering why my hair's so long, and why it's got all these properties that nopony else's hair does..."
"Girls... let me ask for your honest opinions," she said, looking at each of the CMC with a rather worried look on her face. "Am I really a freak of nature?"
"What? No! Of course not!" Scootaloo immediately responded, seeing the immediate stress that Hair Raiser bore. "Why would you even think of things like that?"
"Well... I've been seeing that nopony else uses their hair to do all the amazing things that I've done. Not even you three, Twilight, or my baby sister Aurora have powers like this..." Hair Raiser explained, making the CMC think about the conflict she was struggling with. "I'm just worried that me using my hair this way'll make me feel like an outcast. A freak of nature. A monster..."
"You're not a monster, Hair Raiser..." Sweetie Belle said, putting a hoof around her shoulders.
"She's right, you know," Twilight walked into the room, getting Hair Raiser to walk over to her.
"Mum? I thought you were doing some important paperwork in your study..." Hair Raiser responded once she got close to Twilight's legs.
"It was extraordinarily short for paperwork, Hair. I literally just needed to put my hoofprint on a signed document by the princesses to authorize DNA changing spells at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns," Twilight said, explaining how she was with Hair Raiser instead of doing her duties. "I figured that since being a Breezie was a nice experience, I thought that it'd be nice to teach other aspiring unicorns this spell as well, so that they too can change their biology..."
"But still, you can see it, Mum... I'm just an outcast with strange hair that can do anything..." Hair Raiser's doubt seemed to be winning in this situation.
"No, you're not. You're my oldest daughter. And I know for a fact that nopony would call their child a freak of nature, no matter whether they're crippled with either mental or physical abnormalities," Twilight said, comforting Hair Raiser with a motherly hug. "You need to remember that if you ever feel worried or frightened, I'm right here for you. I'll never let you go, Hair. Not as long as I live and breathe..."
"Aww..." the Cutie Mark Crusaders all watched as Twilight and Hair Raiser pulled each other into a rather sweet hug. The two of them were quite a match, in reality. They were both looking out for each other, and knew that their lives would be much happier with each other instead of them being alone and miserable. And even though Hair Raiser was still unaware of the fact that she was nothing more than a fictional character, she was still loving the time she was having in Equestria with Twilight.
"Thanks, Mum. I feel much better now..." Hair Raiser said, shooting a little smile as she gave Twilight some space.
"That's alright, Hair Raiser..." Twilight smiled as she took her and the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of the room. "And I think you'll feel a little better when you indulge in one of my Twilight Time sessions. I'm sure I can find at least one skill that you'll enjoy learning on..."
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D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
kind of sad considering what it might be in the end.
Be still, my beating ribcage...
next chapter please
The last part hit me with sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much fffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllsssssssss!
I used to like this. I thought it was a great premise, but now it's kinda fallen flat. Just a lot of little things that collapse the story. I mean, you already explained DT and SS to Hair-raiser, thus removing any possibility of former villain returning. Not to mention it was explained by Twilight Sparkle and that Cheerilee had to intervene hard when they made fun of Hair Raiser. The babies talking in foal-speak is weird tbh. I mean, if they were just making a mess bc they were babies, that'd be fine. But making a plan? Seems a little too advanced for foals.
I don't hate this, but i will un-favorite.
Wrong pony bro!
5918994 I'm guessing you didn't like the Rugrats a lot when you were younger then?
I just connected this to that for the baby planning.
5922213 No, i liked the Rugrats, what little i saw of it as a kid, i just didn't make that connection.
5922203 thanks for letting me know. It's fixed now.
maybe hair raiser will find something else to do. I'm really dreding when she has to go back, because that's just gonna be cruel on both her and twilight and even aurora. Imagine loving your sister, only to find you both are mortal enemies and start hating each other, while at the same time hating yourself for hating them because they were your family.
You'd better not send them back, not now that they'd become so happy.
Please update soon.
5991514 I've been meaning to get rid of that argument for some time now...
6013941 That was when I was just a novice. Let's just move on, okay?
Dude when is the next update!
I'm... thorn. You see, if you really don't like critique (or consider beating a dead horse a misgiven), please delete this comment before reading.
Okay. Here goes.
I found myself binge reading it. It has the strange property of some fiction that makes it, uh, addictive. The problem (or rather the symptom): I tried so hard to not skim many parts. After consideration, I found that I was only rooting for Hair Raiser. Why? It's the only character having actual conflict. I'm so infatuated with the idea, I might make my own take on it.
Still, most of the character feel, uh, bland. They are like:
I imagine what would you say: it has an explanation, We would have got an explanation had this story finished, but you know, it would most likely feel flat. The reason: it would appear completely out of place. There has been little foreshadowing on the moral aspect. As a matter of factoid (opinion), you are kicking the fridge horror down the gorge and saying, 'dont worry we have cute pizza'.
Given your, I would say jokingly, taste in plot, I can see it is just a means (be it a plot device) to have babies living with their lookalikes. I won't argue much more than this center grain of salt: you are wasting/wasted the idea's potential. Sure, one can have mental fixations (redeeming evil characters is one of mine), but I kinda want to learn something/feel emotionally touched/reach understanding/etc when I read a story about that.
Your characters are standing in the way :c. (I had to sound not so serious) I mean, the chapter about Hair's first day of school, was, uh, not good. It was like characters were spewing plot convenience left and right. I felt that you (the author) were using them as mouthpieces to explain their ironically flawed behavior.
I was gleefully giggling by this point. I dunno if it was intended.
That was... surprisingly funny, but the mood of comic archetypes started to drag really quickly.
I know, I know, this is a dead horse. But it is still quite yummy even if it gives tummy ache. I haven't read your newer creations, but I hope you have improved since the time you wrote this.
And most importantly, have fun and take this with a grain of salt (but don't be salty). Remember, not all negative commenters hate you, many times they hate themselves, the world, are skeptics or are being bluntly sincere. I would rather think I'm not of the last type, for reasons. Or you simply have different opinionated opinions, that happens too.
Have a cute pizza.encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJ6VKgI3KZO-Dzud-pjD3IwO50wxVqIdbLblgirYg_5KcAQ1N5
No really, I hunger for a second chance Mane-iac or something.
Question: Update?
love this story so far... when do you hope to have more out?
Is this story alive still?
You Mane-iac! You cancelled it! [Proceeds with rest of Planet of the Apes quote].
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhjjq8T6CC1qe2zhmo1_500.gif
I wish this story wasn’t dead.
It’s actually interesting to see a de-aged (to fillyhood) supervillain care for her six (or seven) de-aged (to foalhood) superhero archnemeses with neither party having any memory of it.
And young Mane-iac is cute and beautiful.