• Member Since 30th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 21st, 2015

HackamoreHalter



E

Hippogriffs: The unlikely product of two substantially different worlds. Gruff, griffon-raised Gander has spent his entire life struggling to live up to the warrior ideal, praising strength and shunning weakness. Now, unwillingly ordered to Equestria to uncover his lost equine heritage, he might just learn that there might be more to these peace-loving ponies than meets the eye.

Assuming he survives the journey with his sanity in tact.

A short story written for the Outsider Insight EqD contest.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 24 )

Good gracious, no comments yet? :pinkiegasp: Well...considering it says you joined in July 2014, that may explain a couple things...but anyway.

This is excellently written! It's a shame it's so short, but quality over quantity, right? You establish so much in so little time, and I adored all the characters. All two of 'em.
LOVE 'EM! :twilightsmile:

I take it you are no stranger to the writing of the fictions and whatnot? This is an excellent debut on FIM-Fiction; I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Considered yourself subscribed to, because I'm hitting the Follow button after this.

Your First Commenter,
Sobi The Robot

P.S. ~ I hope this places somewhere in the EqD fanfic contest! :pinkiehappy:

P.P.S. ~ FIRST! :D

This was most excellent. I hope you place

This was an excellent read. The writing style was superb, and it evoked the right feelings in the right spots. Best of luck in the contest! :ajsmug:

Aww. that was a really sweet story. :twilightsmile:

Well, that was very nice. The characters had just enough development and the pacing was great.

Thank you for an enjoyable story! : )

This looks good. Putting it off 'till morning so I can come at a long story fresh.

Ahh, yes. This would be why you get sucker-punched by the prompt:

“Wow. Uh... just wow.” Ducky was impressed.

That said, I would strongly advise against this kind of writing, period. It's pretty much pure telling, and while there are certainly times when it can be effective, it would take a fine skill to make it so. Third-person omniscient is a much trickier thing to wield than most people give it credit for.

Funny thing is, i think most people start in 1st or 3rd-omnicient, and then gravitate towards third-person limited as they learn, because I think it's the easiest once you have some skill under your belt. Only when people have a good deal more skill do they inevitable turn back to 1st and 3rd-omnicient. My guess would be that it's about voice: its much easier to develop a character's voice than a true narrative voice, such as you would need here.

Anyway, I'll continue, but yes, you've irrevocably broken the prompt at the point.

Man, this is good. I mean, don't get me wrong, you have a massive issue with over-telling that needs a dedicated editor to beat you with several sticks at the same time, but the underlying story is strong – both as a contest entry and as a standalone. It's rare that I complain about writing quality and still thoroughly enjoy a story.

That's not nothin'.

-M

5/10 Prompt: Perfect, and yet Rejected.

-M

Interesting take on the gryphons, and great take on the ponies. Duck and Gander are a fun pair.

4909094 Definitely a good recommendation for me.

9/10. I really like the imagery of him trying to be a great warrior then honking ignobly in surprise.

4953435

I actually had a goose come after me one time. They might not be eagles, but those demons are mean as hell when they're out for blood. I still have nightmares of those honks.

The horror... the horror!

Okay, since you didn't bother to follow my form... and also because I'm reviewing each chapter separately, I'll deviate from convention.

First off... the style isn't bad, but there's a major problem with this prologue.

TOOO MUCH HEADCANON!!!!!

Listening to a writers convention at Bronycan basically taught me something vital about Prologues/intros. There has to be a balance between information and questions. That's how you create a good hook. In this chapter we got a lot of your headcanon information... which does help us ease into the world you are trying to set... but there's no Equestria... no mention of it or any familiar characters or their celestial bodies, so we get... stranded. It won't make people hate on you, but it will certainly force some people to just throw their hands up and leave before finishing the chapter because they have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

Lemme be clear, mythos is good, but unfamiliar mythos is bad. Your headcanon may be astonishingly accurate or make a lot of sense, but if it ain't familiar, don't start off with it in the first chapter when its make or break to draw people into the story.

Anyhow, some odd erros. Mother Earth, should be capitalized all the time since its an entity not just plain old earth. It's... a good stylistic start, and if you were writing a novel... this wouldnt be bad, but you need more familiar information and less headcanon.

And this,... you should have began the story like this. The introduction to the chapter was brilliantly done, with some insight on Gander's life that wasn't far too much of a exposition dirge, followed promptly by great character interaction between Gander and Ducky. Excellently done, with the progression toward the argument and shcism being quite natural.

Dude, this is a good fight scene. Kinda like an ant vs a giant, but its still pretty darn well done. Kudos to you :D I'mma keep reading.

Alright, i've reached the end. And I do like the story quite a lot. It's well written, the characters are well done, the meaning and discussion of gryphon vs pony ways is good. Gander is a likeable character as is Ducky. The twist at the end with his mother being long dead is a good one too and the resolution is well executed. Overall, grammar is good at least on my first read through.

However, this is a story brought down by one thing and practically one thing only. The Prologue. It's got very little to do with not only gryphon culture, it has got very little to do with the story's plot itself. Hence, it's a horrible introduction to a rather enjoyable story that I am faving and liking.

People have mentioned that this story is on the telly side.... it is. Admittedly it's well integrated enough into your writing style that at least you tell consistently. However, you do have to show more. It's not just that you have no description, because you tell a lot of good description, but it's all of one type, the telly type. You need to try to spice it up a bit with more focus on describing through show (aka describe the characteristics of the ursa rather than just call it gigantic, and use sound + touch+ feel to describe the impact/blow) I did like how you described the roar of the Ursa though.

All in all, a good story, let down a bit by the intro.

If you do have time and want to review more, please read Of Swords and Hearts.

4960968

That's a good point about the prologue. I'd written it as extraneous information; a bit of a world-building teaser in the form of a creation myth to highlight that this was very much a griffon-centric story. It was to give depth, but still remain completely skippable without harming the plot of the story, which is why it wasn't a numbered chapter. Considering the view of a hesitant reader, though, I can see how they might define the story from a glance at the prologue, and not have a chance to notice the real meaty draw of character introspection and interaction in the actual chapters. Also, bigass star bears made of stars.

Another point on the prologue, I'm going to say I didn't capitalize any instances of mother earth on purpose as a way of showing griffon priorities in a griffon legend, seeing as how the Hunt and Combat had the honor of a capital letter. Their creator isn't quite as important as their favorite thing do to: killing things. I didn't actually intend this, but I'm going to say I did.

A couple of weeks ago, all I'd heard of show and tell was from kindergarten and I'd brought a frog and it escaped and somebody stomped on it and I got in trouble for shoving legos up that jerk's nose to avenge Sir Hopalong Dudley the Third. Erm. Anyway, yeah, I'm learning the difference thanks to helpful critics, and future stories should see a marked improvement. Perhaps now that the contest is over, I can go back and take a look at this story and see if maybe I can smooth out some of the tellier bits. Telly-er. Of greater tellitude.

Although, if it's so rampant in my current method, I do wonder if I can make pure telling into an enjoyable style... like, advanced telling. Aim for the audiences that spent a few too many hours watching television and are unable to derive the same sense of setting from subtle hints, preferring instead that the details be spelled out in clear black and white. I wonder this only because I really want to change my name to Pen and Teller.

-Hack

Edit: Holy crap, I could name the style Telly-vision! It's so perfect! Screw my fledgling artistic integrity, I want a chance at a punny title.

4961154 Well I kinda get your reasoning, just be careful because the story will ultimately be read by a reader and you have to try to anticipate him/her.

Also, telling ain't bad, you do it pretty well too and in fact I enjoy your style, but you have to learn how to spice things up. I also like to tell, but sometimes when you want to describe something... better to just describe the how and not tell them the audience the what.

Finally got around to this piece, and glad that I did. Certainly it was an enjoyable read with unexpected characters. You did Ducky well, with her perkiness edging just up to the line of irritating but not crossing over. Gander was done well, the irritable Frenchman in him coming through unquestioningly clear. I was going to ask about the choice of French for him instead of the traditional Germanic, but your A/N answered that. Gave it an upvote, it deserves that certainly.

Nothing to add technical wise that hasn't already been noted. Nice work, look forward to the sequel (when I get to it) and am very jealous that you can crank out as much material as you do in so short a time.

That is glorious! Well thought out myth, really well written, and very evocative. Not too long and not too short. This is, and I am serious, one of the best introductions I have ever read.

This is really extremely well written. You are better than some novelists I have read.

Awesome fight! Both the maneuvers and the thoughts are really well written :pinkiehappy:

This was beautiful. :fluttercry: You literally moved me to tears. When you manage to put this masterpiece together in two afternoons, you have serious talent as a novelist.

Hatchling honoring mother is sweet, sad and cute. Not matter if pony eagle or lion.

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