The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon

by horizon

Epilogue

"One percent approval!" Blueblood said, pounding his hoof on the table and rattling the teacups on their saucers. "That simply can't be right!"

"I must admit," Poncemercy said, flipping a newspaper page as he sipped his tea, "I was hoping for more common sense from the commoners."

"It would have been free money for mares, and far cheaper than a house of ill repute for stallions. Who turns down a deal like that?"

Poncemercy shrugged. "Look on the sweet side, old grape. If we only count the stallion vote, that brings it up to almost two percent."

Blueblood re-examined his newspaper as the light of Celestia's dawn drifted upward. "It must be a typo."

"You said it. We'd have won if they hadn't left out a digit or two."

The prince dropped his newspaper, picked up another one, and shook it angrily. "We'd have won if those traitorous fourth columnists of the press hadn't sabotaged us with their lies! Listen to this, Ponce. 'It defies understanding how the historic advancement of male suffrage could have originated in a transcendently awful bill which would amount to legalized slavery.'"

"Outrageous!"

"That's a complete misreprehension! You don't pay slaves!"

"Speaking of," Poncemercy said, "did you see the editorial where they suggested paying every noble to never foal again? They said we could solve all of Equestria's problems in a generation." He put a hoof up to his chin. "I wonder how much they're offering."

Blueblood crumpled his paper and grabbed another. "'Dear Prince Blueblood, we'd like to tell you why your bill is a bad idea, but we can't use words small enough for you to understand, and we don't have room to print pictures.' The nerve!" He shuffled through several newspapers in quick succession. "Isn't there anypony who was rational enough to see the benefits of the proposal?"

"Hum," Poncemercy said, flipping through his stack. "Ah! Here's an interesting letter to the editor from our embassy in Saddle Arabia: 'We would like to tell you exactly what we think about H.R.H. Blueblood's proposal, but alas, due to local laws regarding what sentiments may be expressed when members of a royal family are involved, we are prevented from sharing our opinion.'"

Blueblood lowered his newspaper. "Prevented?"

"Indeed. Now there's an idea —"

"Up-bup-bup." Blueblood held up a hoof. "Saddle Arabia's ruled by stallions, yes? I remember the king visiting."

"Right," Poncemercy said. "Stallions straight down the line. They don't even let their mares out in public without those face-curtains."

Blueblood slowly stood up, indignation contorting his features. "Not a single one of our detraitors bothered to hide their opinions, Ponce. But the embassy in the land of stallions was held back by law!" He slammed a hoof into the table. "No wonder we lost, if there was a legal conspiracy ahoof to derive our gender of media support!"

Poncemercy leapt to his hooves. "Great fewmets, old raisin! How are we going to make any progress with the laws in such a state?"

---

*WHAM*

"Auntie!"

"Yes, I can order a recount," Celestia said, staring down at the signatures she was scribbling on a large pile of scrollwork, "but since the loss wasn't within a 5 percent margin, the challenger, i.e. you, has to cover all associated costs."

Blueblood paused. "You can? I —" He shook his head and stood a little straighter. "We'll talk about that later! There are principles at stake!"

She hesitated for a moment, then resumed her signing. "Oh?"

"The stallions of Saddle Arabia are being pressed again, Auntie! Our embassy wasn't able to speak up about my bill, and you cannot possibly call Equestrians free if ponies of proper conscience cannot speak their minds! I demand we issue a diplomatic condemnation ex post factotum!"[24]

Celestia's quill stopped dead, and for a terrifying moment Blueblood thought he'd crossed a line.

Then, in one fluid motion, she set it down, looked up, and leaned forward, resting her chin on her forehooves and fixing Blueblood with an enigmatic smile.

"I'm listening," Celestia said. "Tell me more."

Comments

[Glazius]

And so comes the right to free speech, cunningly disguised as the right to tell Prince Blueblood exactly what you think of him.

[Causal Quill]

How many times do you think Prince Blueblood has to accidentally promote and/or defend freedom before he starts realizing that he gets more and more positive attention for that than he does for being, well, Blueblood?

[Axis of Rotation]

Blueblood...the greatest unwitting hero of liberty in Equestrian history. Who said good things couldn't come in wrongly addressed packages?

[Titanium Dragon]

4802465
That would require him to actually ever figure out what was going on.

But let it never be said that he is a useless idiot.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Fantastically done from start to finish. Blueblood's sisters were an especially delightful treat. This was a wonderful tale of doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons. Thank you for it, and may no one raid your lexicographic armory.

[whizzball1]

Prince Blueblood, the most idiotic pioneer of civil rights in Equestrian History. Just thought of this for fun:
1.000 years later...
The young foal Prince Blueblood sat in front of the statue of his ancestor, Prince Blueblood. His sulking gradually died down as his aunt Luna told him the story. "Auntie Luna," he began, deep thought on his face as he struggled to construct his next sentence. "If not really great grandfather was so..." He tried to look for the word. "Idiotty-" Luna stifled a giggle. "-how did he get all that great stuff done?"

Luna thought for a few moments. "He acted with righteousness in a part of his heart-" A small part, to clarify. "-and the ponies of Equestria reaped a great bounty. Thou canst do so also, if thou wouldst put thy heart into it."

The young foal thought about this deeply, although in reality that deep thought was just him trying to process the statement. Then his face brightened. "Then I know what I'm going to do!" he exclaimed, and Luna's face brightened. "I'm going to get foals to tell their parents what to do!" He skipped off to come up with his amazing plan before Luna could even register what he'd just set to doing. And then she ran.

-Spirit

[horizon]

4804386
You know, now that you mention it, my Chekov's Gun seems to have gone missing.

Oh well, I figure it'll turn back up …

4802465
I take back what I said in 4807104. The moral core of this story is Celestia dragging him kicking and screaming into finally doing something right for the first time. Now that he finally has one of those under his belt, albeit accidentally, that process of carrot and stick can begin.

4806931
Hee! Thank you — I love these little comment continuations! (Even got a collection for them and everything …)

It certainly does run in the family.

[Alondro]

Equestria later invaded Saddle Arabia to steal their oil!

Only to find out there was none since Equestria is a magical land created by the goddess Faust and is actually only 4 years old and thus has no ancient geological layers...

[Blue_Paladin42]

Celestia, you're a sly one.

[yamgoth]

horizon... are you GhostofHeraclitus' alt? As much of it is different from Ghost's wordcraft (ie footnote placement, risqué topic), it still looks like Ghost did it. And that's cool. I get it, horizon/Ghost. Err- horizon of Heraclitus...? (God, I should stop trying to do that.) It's a way of being humble... I guess.

Maybe it's the other way around and Ghost is horizon's alt?

Anyways, I learned that from the most pants-on-head retarded acts come freedom (waistline covering eyes, spun around a few times and let loose). This is how freedom is won in politics :B

[Super Trampoline]

4807164

You know, now that you mention it, my Chekov's Gun seems to have gone missing.
Oh well, I figure it'll turn back up …

this witty riposte wonderfully encapsulates everything I love about your clever writing.

[Solitair]

PFFFhahahaha

I'm not sure why Celestia needs a dumbass like him to get changes like male suffrage and free speech passed to law, but I don't really care at the moment.

[Jordanis]

4855395

She didn't. But then, she didn't need Twilight and Co. to shoo a dragon away or handle Sombra, either.

[Aotrs Commander]

Excellent and hilarious.

[QueenMoriarty]

So, by this point, the Blueblood lineage appears to have outed itself as a necessary evil. They're all idiots, but they always manage to champion things that society would actually benefit from. Which is pretty much the only reasonable explanation why their bloodline hasn't been vindictively wiped out a million times.

[Aragon]

For some reason that doesn't really come to mind, it seems like I'd never read one of your stories. I knew of them, I assumed they were good, I was promised they were great -- but I just don't really read fics anymore.

By complete chance I clicked on this one, due to that old 'oh let's look at this random dude's favorite list oh hey what's this' system that has led to so many terrible findings in my life. This one was an exception.

Amazing story, man. Blueblood was hilarious -- writing a stupid character that is consistently stupid and grating is hard, writing him being consistently stupid can be harder. At no point did Blueblood feel grating; rather, he got funnier and funnier by the line, and the narration and constant footnotes made this work even better. As someone said in the previous comments, Blueblood's sisters were a surprising treat, and Poncemercy was just fabulous.

This was a riot, yo. Really good story. I'm gonna read more of you now.

[horizon]

8038221
Thanks for making my day with the comment! And very much glad you enjoyed.

[Ice Star]

This is so silly, stupid, sexist, and clever that it's brilliant. I was grinning all the way through! :D