• Member Since 18th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 27th, 2015


Hello all. Just a fan and aspiring writer. Critiques and concerns are welcome, but I am writing for fun.



After rampaging and destroying Ponyville as a grown dragon, Spike is still feeling 'unique changes' about himself two days after the fact.

Written for the 'The Equestria Daily Outside Insight Summer Fanfic Contest'

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 42 )

Nice story!! It is short but sweet. Like the idea.:twilightsmile:

A cute little story. You might want to take another pass at Spike and Fluttershy's dialogue though - it seems overly formal.

Also a typo:

At this Spike vaulted up and stalked the length of the room to get nose to nose with the pegagsus,

- pegasus

4770300 Considering it was done in a few hours time, I was genuinely surprised it came out at all. :twilightsheepish: Thanks for the save. :twilightsmile:

Just one correction, towards the end--"theses things" -> "these things". Other than that, wow.
I always wondered what happened with Spike after, you know, he was driven crazy by sudden artificial dragon puberty and went on a rampage. :trollestia:
I agree with Emptybee somewhat about the formal dialogue--Spike would sound more childish, and Fluttershy probably wouldn't take such a direct shot at his feelings, but other than that, it's a very valid and interesting idea of what he might have been going through. Nicely done. :ajsmug:


Nice story. I liked it.

One thing:

Spike was touched. Theses things...

"These things", surely?

4770512 First, thanks for the save. :twilightsmile: As far as Fluttershy goes, remember when she said point blank to Discord when he froze Sweet Apple Acres, "NOT YOUR FRIEND!" I'm personally of the opinion that Fluttershy is capable of MUCH more than she lets on. (Scary thought come to think on it:rainbowderp:) Interesting point on Spike's maturity level, but keep in mind, (in story) he has had it first and foremost on his mind for two days and he nearly destroyed a town. He'd probably be a but more somber than usual. (Poor little guy :unsuresweetie:)

4770525 Already addressed and corrected. Thank you just the same and many thanks for the fav! :pinkiehappy:

4771978 Three mustaches, that's a first. Many thanks. :twilightsmile:

Bit of a tip, don't write stuff like "first time _______" in your title, it puts people off to reading your potentially good work. People will read your work and judge it's quality regardless if it's your first or first hundredth work so don't tag your summary with something irrelevant.

4778340 At the time I wrote that bit, I was a bit sleep deprived. :twilightsheepish: Thanks for the tip though. :twilightsmile: Did you enjoy it? :pinkiehappy:


I enjoyed it, would've liked it more if the emotional tension was dragged out longer; it felt a bit rushed. Still it's just a nitpick out of a good fiction though, so you can ignore the latter half of my last sentence.

4778479 Probably, but it was done over the course of a few hours. Considering that my writing isn't anything to write home about (no pun intended), I was genuinely surprised it came out well at all. Really, I am flabbergasted (and extremely flattered :twilightsheepish:) that so many people not only read my work, but think well of it. :twilightsmile:

How much time did you put into writing this?

4786665 Literally, three hours. Four tops. I know, it shows. :twilightsheepish:

4786665 Well, I actually asked a number of different people that. I'm writing a fic myself and I wanted to compare. Since you responded, I'm gonna read your story! I'll let you know what I think in a minute.

Realizing he hadn't he addressed

insert comma ..........^


wtf? Well, it's usually "with concern."

finally turned his gaze lifted.

Ok ok. You're right. It shows.

Reading over it though, it twangs my heartstrings. It's like super good, just edit it some please. I get really distracted by mistakes.

Nice story, but I think it could've been better (or more emotional) if you would have let Fluttershy compare Spike's greed with her "inner monster" like in that episode with Iron Will. :twilightsmile:

Just saying :twilightsmile:

4833529 I'm actually a little surprised at myself for not thinking about that. :rainbowderp: When I wrote this, I hadn't planned on including Fluttershy to start with. She just kind of 'showed up.' (For lack of a better phrase.To be entirely honest I was planning on it being a fic about Spike and Gilda, non-romantic. It just didn't pan out. :unsuresweetie:)
It's just as well that I didn't though. Not sure how much it means, but chronologically "Secret to my Excess" comes before "Putting Your Hoof Down." (Although it is a brilliant idea if I may say so. :pinkiehappy: If you want to run with it, be my guest. :twilightsmile:)
Thanks you so much for the read, the criticism, and the favorite. :eeyup:

4833959 No problem :twilightsmile:

I don't think I'll be writing a short any time soon though, too little room for too much to say :twilightsheepish:

I don't see much fics with Gilda though, the only fic I can remember that featured Gilda was Fallout Equestria and even then it only was one shot. (There some other awesome gryphons though :pinkiehappy:)

Bah, I've done you a great disservice, Noble. I've read through and commented on half a dozen or more of the EqD contest entries already and I thought yours was among them. I should've gotten to this one much sooner. I just finished reading through, so here's what I thought.

What to say, what to say. Well, I do love the concept: Spike and his inner turmoil. From the show, we already know that our lovable little dragon friend can have some pretty serious self-doubts to work through. How he dealt with being outdone as an assistant is one of my favorite episodes. So I did feel like the situation was very much in-character for him. However, some of the dialogue sounded... off to me. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Take this passage, for example:

"This won't be easy for you to understand, Twilight. I don't say that out of spite, but out of fact. I understand it perfectly because I am living with it. It's a part of me. While I can try to explain it, my words will not do justice to the meaning they signify. It is similar to you trying to explain to Rainbow Dash or to Applejack or even to me for that matter what your magic feels like. We don't get it because we have nothing like it to compare to. Are you with me so far?"

The choice of wording is so... mature. So adult. Considering this is coming from our baby dragon who has trouble spelling words that are too large, it just feels out of place. While I agree entirely with the pain he's going through, I'd imagine him expressing it with something closer to the eloquence of child.

One other moment that gave me pause was Fluttershy's introduction.

"Long enough to know that you are spouting nonsense, Spike," she replied clearly, as though she were stating fact.

That line borders on condescending, far too direct for Fluttershy. I could see Rarity pulling it off, but I think Fluttershy would have a different choice of words. Something comforting and nonconfrontational. Even after she developed her own style of self-assertiveness following the Iron Will episode, she was only ever able to offer her own point of view and never directly contradict somepony else's (as we saw in Bats!). I'm not sure I explained that right, but I hope it made sense.

Let's see, what else... No glaring issues with grammar or spelling jumped out on me, which is always a good sign. The setting could have used some building-up to firmly place us into the world, but we're all already familiar with the library and the characters so I can see why you skipped overly detailed descriptions. All-in-all, I quite enjoyed the story and I wish you the very best of luck in the contest.

Thanks for writing,


4838273 Well, Hack thanks for reading it and I appreciate your critique of it. To be entirely honest, I'm surprised it came out as well as it did. (Given the fact I wrote in all of 3 or 4 hours.)
Initially, I hadn't planned on Fluttershy being in it, she just kind of 'showed up.' As far as Spike goes, I felt that seeing as it has been on his mind for the past 2 days, he would have thought it out more thoroughly than anything else before or since. (And personally, I feel that Spike is a lot more mature than people give him credit for. He's still child-like at times, but he does have his moments).
Thanks for stopping by! :pinkiehappy:

While I can try to explain it, my words will not do justice to the meaning they signify. It is similar to you trying to explain to Rainbow Dash or to Applejack or even to me for that matter what your magic feels like. We don't get it because we have nothing like it to compare to.

Technically, the prose is decent, but that passage is way off. It's not even one of his more mature moments, it's just totally inconsistent with how Spike expresses himself. I feel like he should've put on a monocle and said it with a professor-like flair.

Something that would be mine and nothing* else's.


4871972 I'll admit it's not one my greatest works, for several reasons. You should try my other work 'Tales of Valor,' the characters are much more 'in-character,' if you will.

Honestly? The voices are way off and the prose is tell-y as all hell – so much so that it felt condescending. The attribution 'Spike lied' is on my list of giant red flags that would usually ward me off even looking at a story. I would probably have quit right there if it hadn't been a competition entry.

Beyond that, the core idea is good enough, but the prompt use is nearly non-existent.

2/10 Prompt: Rejected

Sorry Bub.


4905941 Why do ya think I failed to make it to the finals? (Not that I'm bitter about it. It will just be the last time I write a story while sleep deprived. Besides some of you guys that got into the finals, I have to admit, I would have picked too.)

4907285 Apologies for not answering sooner. I will be happy to give you more detailed feedback once I am caught up on all the stuff that piled up while I have been mass-scoring the competition.

...and once I have stopped having anxiety attacks waiting for the results.


4927194 :rainbowlaugh: Can't say I blame you for that. :raritywink: Thanks for the offer, but I know why I didn't make it. Namely because it was a story about Spike dealing with his inner demons rather than how he sees ponies. (Never mind the fact the quality of it is only so-so. Even I admit that much.)
However my participation in the contest wasn't entirely wasted. Had a fun time writing the story -such as it is- and I got to read several works from several artists. And my story managed to hit '500' views. I think I can live with those results. :twilightsmile:

4927213 As you wish. Should you change your mind, just send me a PM.

As someone said: Short but sweet. :yay:

Interesting idea though, that maybe he DID... well, Mature, in lack of a better word, during that event. and maybe as you say, a part of that DID remain inside of him even when he returned to his smaller, normal form... This was a nice story, with good insight in Spikes mind and thoughts :)

In my opinion, you managed to capture Spikes personality quite nicely here, and adding some depth to him as well,
and giving Twi the almost-motherly role..

Nice touch to add Fluttershy at the end as well, since she DOES have a unique viewpoint toward Spike.. he IS a dragon, and she IS normally afraid of dragons, but Spike is much more than just that to her, and knowing that means a lot to him..

So overall, this was a nice, touching story :yay:

Egghead Approved! :twilightsmile:

4938190 'Egghead Approved?' :rainbowhuh: I like it. :pinkiesmile: I may use that some time.
On a separate note: I got a sequel of sorts in mind for this. (Which I fully intend on doing as soon as I finish the other projects I'm working on.)

4938273 I'd gladly read that too if (or rather, when you upload it :pinkiesmile:

At the next meeting Spike stood up in front of the crowded room full of riff raff and addressed the unsavory bunch ....
"Hello. I'm Spike The Dragon- I caused millions of bits worth of damage to Ponyville , But with help I can change my inner evil beast":moustache:
Another pony stood up " I caused hundreds of thousands of bits worth of damage to pinyville But My Dearest Spikey Wikie is my hero"
Rarity continued "He prevented my from turning Equestria into a giant but quite fashionable snow globe":raritywink:
"Hello , I'm DISCORD...":trollestia::facehoof::twilightangry2::rainbowhuh::pinkiegasp::flutterrage:

4938420 Huh. Sounds like an Destructors Anonymous (DA) meeting. Maybe Luna, Twilight, and Fluttershy need to get in on this.

There's a difference between "I changed, Twilight." and "I changed Twilight."

5344712 Duly noted. My thanks and have a look at the sequel while you're at it. :twilightsmile:

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