Drifting Through Realities

by Thadius0

Chapter 17 - Oh fer- I said NO LAIRS!

Drifting Through Realities

Chapter 17 - Oh fer- I said NO LAIRS!

When I returned to my home, I found it to be furnished. Yes, fully furnished. Granted, it looked a bit...patchwork. As though some of the chairs had been patched together from two or three different chairs. Still, the sentiment was there, I suppose. And Clanks really had no concept of beauty, they left that to the Sparks that made them. So they wouldn't understand why it was not a recommended idea for them to screw half of an oak chair together with half of a willow chair.

I mention this because on a surprisingly intact table was an unbound mass of paper. It appeared to be about three inches tall, and on the top sheet was a simple title.

'House Owner Manual: Command list'

I sighed and flipped the page over. The next one was the current table of contents. Fairly standard...or so it seemed at first.

"Kitchen...Bathroom...Air Conditioning...Power..." My eyebrows raised at the next few entries. "Surveillance? Defenses? Offenses? What the hell have the Clanks been up to?!"

I flipped to the back and perused quickly. A few voice commands...multiple settings? Non-lethal and lethal? Oh for Joseph's sake...Then again, I suppose I hadn't told them not to install such things. Plus, it'd keep me safe. Supposedly. So long as the defenses didn't draw attention themselves. Fortunately, it seemed non-lethal was the default setting, as though the Clanks knew that I'd prefer to keep things as civil as possible when defending my home.

I had gotten to the last page, which was a request for more crystals so that all their projects and projected projects could be properly powered, when a knock made itself known at my front door. I got up, clutching the sheaf in my left hand, and opened the door with my right. I was immediately tempted to slam it shut again.

"Ah. Jet Set and Upper Crust. I must admit, I had hoped our last meeting was enough for you. It certainly was for me."

The two unicorns smirked at me, as though they knew something I didn't, and Jet Set opened his mouth. The filth that poured from it made me wonder why someone hadn't punched him in the face yet.

"Indeed, most seem to meet you once and then desire nothing more to do with you. We were talking to a gentlestallion that visited some nightclub the other night, where he and his companions ran into you. Much to their detriment."

My bad mood only increased when Upper Crust added on to her husband's words. "My word, are all humans so...barbaric in their dealings with others? One would think that such a species knew nothing of friendship or compassion. Unlike us."

The boiling point was reached when Jet finished their little tirade. "Quite right, my dear. One might think we should help that stallion and his friends. Perhaps by pressing all manner of charges against this human."

I held the sheaf of papers up, flipped to Defenses, nodded, and stomped twice. "Nik tok! Nik tok!"

After a moment, there was a rumbling from the ground besides the unicorns. Another moment, and two cannons made of brass erupted from the soil. They whirled around and ended up pointing at my unwelcome guests, whose eyes were slightly wide at the thought of being at my mercy.

"This is your only warning. Leave me, leave me be, and we'll have no problems. Continue down this path, and you will find nothing but pain and misery. Which I will only be too glad to deliver."

Jet Set opened his mouth, and the cannon on the right fired a bean-bag directly at his flank, causing him to jump and yelp. He whirled, looked at the cannon, opened his mouth again, and the one on the left fired on his flank. One more yelp, and he turned to glare at it, then me. I smiled at his angry expression, glad the Clanks had enough power for those two demonstration shots. The unicorn duo looked at me, looked at each other, then while keeping eye contact with me, slowly backed up, off my property.

Even as the so-called nobles left, I saw a wonderfully familiar sight trotting up to take their place. That of Octavia and Vinyl coming to visit me. I'd only told them where I lived, apparently they took it as a 'come over and see'. Though after my last visitors, I'd welcome their damn Goddesses to my home to cleanse my palate if it came to that.

...Why did that last thought come to mind at all? Much less as quickly as it did?...

"Eric! My main human!"

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Vinyl's greeting and waved her over. Then I remembered the turrets were still up, and I stomped three times. The defenses retracted back into the ground, causing the musical ponies to raise an eyebrow each.

"And what was that, Eric?"

I shrugged at Octavia's question. "Automated defense system."

Vinyl looked from me to where it had been. "Y'know, I've heard the best defense is a good offense from somewhere..."

I shook my head at her leading statement. "I'll only use it for defense against snooty nobles and those that don't know better, you have my word."

With that, I motioned to the door and gave my best showman impersonation. "Would you like to see what other changes have been made to the house? I'd love to go over some of the tamer ones with you."

The mares looked at each other, looked at me, and nodded once.

-----

The kitchen seemed fairly normal. If not for the fact that everything seemed to have enough controls to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner an automatic process. There was even a place for mad cooking science, which answered a question I'd had regarding Sparks. It would appear that their behavior was both inborn and could be programmed into a Clank. That, or Agatha had programmed it into the Clank in question, so that I could carry on the story of Sparks to...wherever I ended up.

...No, I wasn't one. But she'd seen me performing maintenance and an upgrade on my leg and come to an incorrect conclusion. I don't think I could ever be a test subject in her eyes after that. Good thing she didn't know about Xavier. I don't know what she'd have done then...

After a rogue switch flip in the living room unleashed restraints on my patchwork couch (fortunately while the mares weren't in it), I told the mares to not only not touch anything, but not stand, sit, or move anything until I read the appropriate documentation. Of course, I also assumed that the Clanks had written everything down, which was probably a mistake on my part. Agatha never did, and there was always a step missing in the middle that I had to ask her about. That was an embarrassing concoction to mess up...

The bathroom had far more pipes than was probably healthy, and the bedroom seemed to resemble something from Frankenstein. I'd really need to read the owner's manual. Ooooor I could just not give the Clanks additional crystals, that might keep all of these optional features depowered. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea...

Vinyl would occasionally stop and rub her horn, and I knew why. Apparently, whatever containment the Clanks had rigged up hadn't quite done the job perfectly, as she was still capable of feeling the magebane field. Still, it wasn't a constant thing, so at least they'd done quite a good job at containing most of its power.

Eventually, our little party ended up in the dining room, which had thankfully not been altered too much. I sat at the head of the table, while Vinyl and Octavia took up one side. I sighed and decided to answer the question I knew they were going to ask. I knocked on the table twice. "Tick Tock!"

It took a minute, during which I held up a hand to silence the mares. Eventually, the original Clank climbed onto the table, and I pointed at him. "Mares, may I introduce Tick Tock, an original Heterodyne Clank, helper class. Tick, these are Octavia Philharmonica and Vinyl Scratch, the mares who took me in and cared for me when I first came to this world."

The little Clank walked forward, looked at both of them, then dinged once and waved a hand. Octavia nodded at the Clank, while Vinyl moved her glasses up and her head closer so she could get a better look.

"So, an automaton? A golem?"

I waved a hand in a so-so fashion. "A robot, in a less complex fashion than my arm or leg or eye. Made to aid a family of Sparks in their laboratories. The first generation of any helper-class Clank is capable of making more, who can make more. But each subsequent generation loses intelligence, and the Spark of creativity. And it adds up fast."

Vinyl looked from me to Tick Tock, cocking her head to the side. "So, he's just as intelligent as you? At least, if he's an early enough model?"

I nodded at that. "Tick here is a first generation model, and he has a flood of helpers. I've not been as strict as I could have been when setting his limits, which is why everything in here is so...exuberant, I suppose is the word, with its features."

Tick whistled and kicked one of its feet innocently. I waved off his attempted innocence, knowing it was his idea all along, but that it'd been put in by his creator. "They gave me a manual, and a request for more power. I'll need to look it over before I can determine if this house is safe for anyone but me to visit. I'm just glad it doesn't talk..."

Octavia smiled at the idea. "A talking house?"

I shot a deadpan look at her. "The Heterodynes live in a talking castle which also has systems in the town that was built around it. And it was just as crazy as they are."

The musical duo looked at each other and gulped audibly at the thought of a psychotic structure. I merely smiled and waved at the door to the main hall.

"Shall we see what interesting ways the kitchen has for us to accidentally die?"

I swear, I've never seen a pony move faster than right then...

Comments

[QPaysTaxes]

cleanse my pallet

palate. A 'pallet' is the wooden thing that you put boxes on to act as spacers. The 'palate' is, in culinary terms, "a person's appreciation of taste and flavor, especially when sophisticated and discriminating." To 'cleanse' it is to refresh it, and here (I'm assuming) Vinyl is acting as a nice refresher, compared to the snooty nobleponies, cleansing his 'palate'.

That was the only mistake I saw, but it's nearly midnight, so I probably missed some.

[Thadius0]

4877984
Thankye, should be fixed now.

[musicluvr1974]

"They gave me a manual, and a request for more power. I'll need to look it over before I can determine if this house is safe for anyone but me to visit. I'm just glad it doesn't talk..."
Octavia smiled at the idea. "A talking house?"
I shot a deadpan look at her. "The Heterodynes live in a talking castle which also has systems in the town that was built around it. And it was just as crazy as they are."
The musical duo looked at each other and gulped audibly at the thought of a psychotic structure. I merely smiled and waved at the door to the main hall.
"Shall we see what interesting ways the kitchen has for us to accidentally die?"
I swear, I've never seen a pony move faster than right then...

Yup, that's Spark-craft, all right...! /) Thanks for the short jaunt down memory lane!

[QPaysTaxes]

4878026 Non est mendum grave. Thanks for fixing it so fast.

[Xzaves]

4877984 Damn nobles, lounging around on his pallets!
Who do they think they are?

[DeltaOsprey]

All the kids are going to love his house on Halloween.

Trick or Treat!
*blam*
Thank you!

Luna passes by and has to avoid AA fire in the form of exploding cupcakes.
It will be amazing.

[QPaysTaxes]

4878217 I dunno, but they better tone down their arrogance! They've already got their own gold-plated pallets, they don't need Eric's!

[JBL]

Discord will love his house.

[Blaze Song]

Bean bag rounds HURT!