• Published 27th Jul 2014
  • 2,758 Views, 30 Comments

The Stormclouds Beneath Your Hooves - Scramblers and Shadows



Rainbow Dash goes out for one last weather mission.

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The Stormclouds Beneath Your Hooves

Part 1: Strength

Even Scootaloo said I needed to take a coat. How could I turn her down? Course, no matter what they say about pegasus coats and wing freedom, the damn things get in the way when you're trying to clear the sky, so I dumped it on a treetop.

Now here I am, hanging out on a cloud. Chilling, like always. Below me the Everfree lies spattered with all the shades of gold and brown and red. And then chaos gives way to order, and the uniform orange lines of the Berryshine Vineyard begin. The occasional gusts of wind from the Everfree bring, besides shivers, the wet, earthy smells of decaying leaves and wood.

There's a bit of a twinge in my knee. Nothing I can't handle. My wings ache, but it's the good kind of ache. The sort that reminds you you're still alive, still active, still moving. I've never understood why ponies are so scared of pain. It's just part of life – suck it up, y'know? Besides, you'll never get anywhere as an athlete if you can't work through it.

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be active. There's no fun in relaxing if there's nothing to contrast it with.

Still, that's one of the better things about getting older – nopony gives you grief if you want to nap in the middle of the day.

And you know what? I think I've earned it. I've already cleared half the cloud cover already. Plenty of young ponies would wipe themselves out trying to clear that many in one go. “Ooh, I can take out a hundred little puffs of cumulus in a minute.” Yeah, yeah, kid. Whatever. Let Rainbow Dash show you how it's done.

That look on a pony's face when they've been going on about how weak you must be, and you show them up by clearing the sky faster than they ever could? Best thing ever. Especially when they've been going on about how you need to be in a care home. Yeah, right. Screw that.

I'm strong enough to do this job. Look! I've already done half of it, with hours to spare. And it's not an easy job, either. The Berryshine Vineyard starts where Fluttershy's cottage used to be and sits right up against the Everfree. It's as close as you can get before magic starts acting up. What that means is that clouds drift in from over the forest, and pegasi can only clear them once they're above the vineyard.

Dumb place for farming, but they didn't have a choice. There isn't much free land around Ponyville these days.

Anyway, it needs to be cleared of cloud cover pretty regularly. And that's why I'm here. The Ponyville weather team took a bit of convincing. They all know who I am, of course. The ones who have the tiniest bit of damned interest in flying, anyway. But even with all the evidence to the contrary, they think I'm weak.

I know, right?

They gave in when I showed them what I could still do. Okay, so maybe I'm not quite as agile as they are – but I'd like to see them be anywhere near as good when they're my age.

Scootaloo helped. Shouted down some of the more stubborn members. She's always been on my side, that kid. (Apart from the whole coat thing.) Heh … “Kid”. I still call her squirt too. She's bigger than I am now, and has been for a few years. But even now, with the wrinkles around her eyes and the tinge of grey in her mane, I can't help but think of her as that bouncy little filly who hid her nightmares from everypony because she was so intent on impressing me. Or the teenager who tried to dye her mane with rainbows when she fell out with her parents.

She steps in just after I've shown the weather team that I can still fly up to the cirrus layer. I can still feel the layer of sweat beneath hair and tousled mane. Hailstone, the leader of the team since a couple years back, still doesn't want to let me go, and I'm staring him down. Our noses are almost touching. Stubborn little whelp, I gotta admit.

“Why?” he says. “Why is it so important, Rainbow Dash?”

“Why do you wanna stop me?” I say. “Scared I'll show you up?”

That gets to him. I can see it in his face. He changes the subject: “It's cold out there! And yes, Rainbow Dash, you could really hurt yourself, and I don't want that on my conscience. I'm not going to be the pony who sent the Greatest Wonderbolt out to … to catch pneumonia or freeze to death or something, just because she thought she had something to prove.”

I mutter something I'm not proud of, and he puts his ears back.

“I wouldn't ask a member of my own team to do that alone, let alone some aging, decrepit has-been.

I'm about to smack him when Scootaloo comes forward from the crowds, puts a hoof on his shoulder and drags him backwards. Hard – the brat stumbles and has to flare his wings to stop falling over

“What in Luna's name is wrong with you?” says Scootaloo.

And Hailstone cowers. Ha!

Before he can manage a response, she continues: “This is Rainbow Dash! If she wants to go on a mission – any mission – she gets to! She earned that right long before you were born.” She pins her ears. “And you want to hold her back because you're worried about your reputation? Besides, she knows her limits. ”

I nod. “Of course I do.”

Hailstone straightens, stares at us both. “Okay,” he says. “Maybe. I'll consider it.” He turns, glances back at Scootaloo, and flies off.

“Thanks, squirt,” I say.

Scootaloo smiles and hugs me. “I'm gonna follow him, make sure he doesn't change his mind back,” she says.

After she's left, I find I can't stop grinning.

And Hailstone didn't change his mind, of course. So here I am.

It happens more and more lately. Everypony seems to think I'm incapable of doing anything by myself. They think I'm weak. How stupid can you get?

I got a visit from Twilight a few weeks ago. Yeah, little miss perfect 'n' eternal. Just turned up at my door. No warning or anything. I can't really turn her away, no matter how much I might want to.

“It's been fricking forever,” I say when we're settled in. “What brings her majesty down to us mere mortals then?”

“I'm sorry,” says Twilight. She glances at the floor. “Things have just been so busy lately. You know, with the unification, and all the treaties that have to be signed. And … everything really.”

I shrug. “All that politics stuff is over my head, you know that. And boring too.”

“Yeah, I know,” she says. “I feel the same way sometimes. But there's little I can do. I'm in it for the long haul, I suppose.”

“You can say that again.” I snort.

Twilight smiles. A strained smile, obviously. “How are you, Rainbow?”

“Fine, fine. You?” Twilight looks at me intently without responding, so I continue in the most banal way I can. “Knee's still a bit sore. I think if I try and land on it, it'll explode and send bits everywhere.” I smirk. “Mentioned it to Pinkie. She said I should ask the doctor to put streamers and candy in there just in case.”

Twilight loses her composure, and she lets out a genuine laugh. “Oh … oh, goodness, that's terrible.”

“Yep.”

“She never used to be that morbid, did she?”

“Nah, but I totally saw it coming.”

We speak a little more. Just shallow small talk. I'm almost warming to her when Twilight finally gets to the point:

“I don't know if it's sensible for you to live alone any more, Dash.”

I glare at her. A moment of silence, then: “I'm not having this conversation.”

“Please, Dash. We're friends – all that time spent saving Equestria together, remember? Hear me out, at least.”

That was low. I slump back. “Okay. Whatever.”

“I know it's not easy to admit … but you're not as strong as you used to be.”

“Easy for you to say.” Seeing her expression … I regret saying that the moment I come out with it. She keeps going anyway.

“What if you hurt yourself again?”

“What if?”

“There'll be nopony around to help you!”

“So what's your solution, huh? I go to Ponyville Care Home? Join a bunch of wrinkled old mares wittering about the good old days? Spend my days going out of my mind, staring at faded wallpaper with cute pictures? Hey, here's an idea: Maybe I can get a roommate who pisses herself. We can go on little daytrips to old castles, and I can admire the scenery while some blank-eyed nurse cleans her up in the toilets!” I don't notice until I finish, but I've been gripping my chair so hard that the vapour between my hooves and cannons has darkened; I've got two little stormclouds beneath my forehooves.

“It's not like that!” Twilight insists. Yeah, sure. “Look, you're a national hero. And I … can pull some strings anyway. You don't have to go to Ponyville if you don't want to. There are some really high-end places in Canterlot. You'll have almost everything you want.”

“Except independence, yeah? Except excitement. Except dignity.” I snort. “Why me, anyway? You don't bother Applejack about care homes.”

“Applejack doesn't live alone. She has her family with her.”

“Fine. Whatever. Bad example. What about …” I search for somepony else. Pinkie has family too. Rarity has her husband. “Oh, never mind. I'm fine, Twilight. Just leave it.”

She keeps pushing. Of course she does.

Eventually I've had enough. I stand, glide over her head – just to show I still can – and open the door.

“I'm not leaving,” she insists.

I glare at her. “You're a princess, so I guess I can't force you. But if you have any respect for me – like, at all – you'll get out of my house. Please, Twilight. We're friends – all that time we spent saving Equestria together, remember? Come back when you're willing to talk to me like a friend and not some … some wretched old mare who can't even be trusted to live in her own home.”

And Twilight – finally – gives in. She slams the door as she leaves.

Maybe I was bit hard on her, yeah. Can't help it. I hate being patronised. I know what I'm doing. I'm not stupid. And I'm not weak.

I am getting a bit chilly, though. I think it's time to get back to work.

Even Scootaloo thought I needed a coat …

You know what? Screw 'em. I'm as good as I ever was. I'm gonna clear the rest of these clouds. And I'm gonna do it in one go. With a rainboom.

Just try and stop me. You ain't seen nothing yet, colts and fillies.

Part 2: Cracks

That was stupid.

Damnit.

I'm back on the cloud. Just about.

Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit!

The knee feels like it's on fire every time I try and move that leg. Well, Dash, if you insist on crash landing on it …

The wing is numb. It's lying at a weird angle too – I'm pretty sure I heard a crack just before the tumble. I can't feel anything. Can't move it, either. Yeah, yeah, I know numbness is worse than pain, but I'm just glad that I only have one source of searing agony to worry about.

Real clever, Dash old girl. Show everypony how strong you are by breaking your wing!

Now what? I can't fly back. I could probably walk back, but the ground's a hundred metres below. I could try pushing the cloud with my good wing … Nah.

I'll have to wait it out. I can do that. Somepony will come along eventually.

I can imagine how that'll go: That little whelp Hailstone will go around telling everypony that he was right, that I shouldn't go alone, that I can't look after myself. Scootaloo will get an earful – just because she was on my side. Then there'll be the hospital stay for Celestia knows how long. Months, probably – if the wing heals at all, that is. I might be grounded permanently. And, of course, I'll get a visit from Twilight. That concerned face. Oh, Rainbow Dash, look what you've done now. You should've just listened to me from the start.

And the coat. Oh Celestia, the coat. I told Scootaloo I'd take it. What'll she think? Not only did I go and injure myself when she believed in me … but I also dumped the coat when I said I'd wear it.

I didn't want to. I didn't need it. I don't need it. But when Scootaloo and Cortland saw me off earlier ...

“Oh, leave me alone, for Celestia's sake,” I snap. “I'm not a foal! I can handle it!”

“I know, Dash. I know.” says Cortland. He has that slimy, wheedling tone you might use to coax a foal. The sort of tone that says I don't care what you say, you old fool.

“I said no! I don't need a damn coat.” I snort and look at Scootaloo for support.

And Scootaloo looks away. “I think he's right, Rainbow Dash,” she says eventually. “I know you're tough. Tougher than any pony I know. But you know how cold it gets up there.”

I glare at them both. But I can't bring myself to shout at Scootaloo, no matter how betrayed I feel, and I can't turn her down.

Huh. The knee's stopped hurting. I can't feel much of anything in it, actually.

Y'know what? I'll throw my hooves up in admission – I'm not as strong as I used to be. I know that. Of course I know that. How dumb do you think I am? I feel the extra effort it takes it do easy things, the aches and the bruises that come out of nowhere and take weeks to fade.

I'm getting weaker, but that doesn't mean I'm weak.

I'm getting weaker, and I hate it.

There's a reason Twilight chose to visit me specifically.

She's pacing, getting more and more agitated, and I'm sitting there, getting less and less interested in hearing her out.

“Look,” she says. “About the crash. I–”

“What crash?” I snap.

“You know what I mean. The accident.”

“What about it? I didn't crash. Just had a bit of a rough landing and hurt my knee. I've done that hundreds of times in the past. Never warranted a visit from a princess before. Especially not a visit from a princess who wants to get me into a fricking care home!”

“This is different,” says Twilight.

“How?”

She stops pacing and looks me in the eyes for what seems like forever. She speaks quietly. “Really, Dash?”

I look back and don't flinch. “Yes, Twilight. Really.”

She sighs. “A 'normal landing', remember? You said your wing seized up just before you touched down.”

“Yeah, that happens,” I say.

“And your knee still hasn't healed.”

I shrug. “I can handle a bit of pain.”

Twilight brings her hoof down, loud enough to make me jump. “For pony's sake! How long before it happens again? What if your wing goes when you're higher up? What if you break something next time? What if nopony's around to help you?” She looks down and steadies herself. “You injured yourself with a landing any filly who's been airborne for two months can handle. And it's only going to get worse.”

And that's when I decide I've had enough and show her to the door.

Oh Celestia, it's cold.

… Hold on, do I see a pony on the out there in the vineyards? Here! Over here, you fool. Come on!

Over here!

My throat is sore already

I don't think he can hear me.

What's gonna happen when … if … I do get rescued? Twilight's gonna insist I go into care. And what can I say in return? I've proven I really can't look after myself. Scootaloo was my last ally, and even she's beginning to doubt me.

That's what I've got to look forward to, isn't it? Twilight's “high-end” care home. Bet I'll still get an incontinent roommate though. Piss staining the high-end bedsheets. A high-end nurse to clean her up.

High-end lack of privacy. High-end, patronising staff who tell you not to fly. High-end imprisonment …

Wait – that pony. I think he's heading this way.

He's heading this way!

Part 3: Pride

Oh Celestia, that was a close call. Very close. But it's okay.

I think he's gone now.

Just a pony working on the vineyard, not one of the weather team. Communication between weatherponies and farmers ain't so great sometimes – I don't think he knows anypony is supposed to be clearing the sky right now.

Just in case, though, I stretched my good wing and gave the cloud a bit of a push. I'm drifting over the Everfree now, so I should have some more time even if the weather team comes looking right away.

Ugh. No, I couldn't go back in this state. I couldn't face up to Scootaloo – imagine what it would be like for her, seeing her idol in such a pathetic state. I couldn't face up to Twilight – with that knowing look she'd have.

I don't need anypony's pity. And I'm certainly not going to become some shrivelled up old hag, talking about how awesome I used to be. Screw that!

I'm just going to sit here a while, hang out till my wing's strong enough to carry me. Maybe have a nap too – I'm getting a little tired. All the work I've been doing, y'know?

Then, when I'm rested, I can fly back home. Oh – gotta finish clearing the sky too. Can't leave that half done, can I? What would they think if I waltzed back in there without having done the job? But then, I'll fly back. Hang out with Scootaloo. And I oughta make up with Twilight too. She's a busybody, I know, but she means well.

Just gotta sleep a while first.

I need to do this myself. I refuse to be helpless. It's a matter of pride.

I wish I still had my coat with me.

It's so cold.

Author's Note:

This story owes a lot, in both style and content, to Talking Heads -- a wonderful (and frequently bleak) set of television monologues by Alan Bennett.

The standard needy writer requests apply: Tell me what you liked, what you didn't. Share it with people if you think it's worthy. &c. &c.

Comments ( 30 )

I can see RD going out that way -- Old age is a real bear for pegasi -- so much more so than the other ponies. To have the freedom of flight, and then have that diminish, become dangerous, then be gone. The whole issue of that last flight, and the flight attempted after you should have had your last flight. It is similar but worse than "the chair" that some people in their old age have to enter and then never really walk again.

This is one reason why when I answer the question of, "What pony type would you choose (non-alicorn) if you could be one?" my response is often, "What age would I be?" At 45 (and half of that year is now up), the answer is different based on the answer. With the vibrancy of youth, pegasus would be the choice, but I would not want to enter as a mostly over-the-hill pegasus. If the age carried over, unicorn is really the only way to go.

I almost think pegasi would have developed something where you use it and you burn up your remaining life in a day... You get one last day to live as you lived, fly as fast as you ever could -- then you die -- as opposed to wasting away.

This story makes me wonder if it's possible to make transitions too fluid. The issue between scene transitions in this story was never "Wait, how did we get here?" Instead, it's more "Where are we in the timeline right now?"--this is particularly an issue for me during Twilight's second visit. Framing it after Rainbow's recent crash while referring to a previous crash, both of which resulted in an injured knee, certainly caused some confusion. The way past and present seemed to meld together did make the story a little more difficult to read through, but I think it is a good way to further reinforce Dash's age and growing senility.

I also question Hailstone's description of Dash, a national hero, but more importantly a prideful mare, as an "aging, decrepit has-been." How is that supposed to help solve the problem in any way? It really just seems rude and needlessly harsh. I'm inclined to assume that Hailstone said something different and Dash interpreted it in that manner, but there's no indication of such within the story.

Having said that, I did like the story. It was a good execution of Dash being unable to reconcile with the fact that she's "fallen from grace," so to speak, in terms of her natural talent.

Woah, that was a masterpiece. Really awesome story.

The thing is, once you accept you are old. Once you give up that one thing. You start dying very fast.
I seen people walk into a nursing home (no cane) and not be able to walk at all in 3 weeks.
Dash knows that she could not live like that. Twilight does not understand that she is asking Dash to kill her self. Maybe even faster then Dash would die on her own.
Scootaloo is doing it better. She is not asking Dash to stop being Dash; just be more careful and put on a coat.

4761118
Aye, I think you're quite right. Being an elderly pegasus doesn't sound like much fun. And for RD, being athletic even by pegasus standards ...

That final day idea sounds like it would make an ace story, by the way.


4761160
That's a fair point. I have the second Twilight conversation taking place in the middle of the first conversation. That may be unnecessarily convoluted. And having two crashes -- yeah, that didn't occur to me.

As for Hailstone ... well, he's certainly no diplomat.


4761218
Thank you. :twilightsmile:


4763127
Yeah, Twilight can't really see things from Dash's point of view in this.

So... Rainbow dies, then? Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

4765579

I really could see pegasi doing a last day thing, and yes that would make a story: a pegasus making the final decision as to when to go out on her own terms. It is not generally the kind of story I would write at this time though, so if you want to run with it, go ahead.

I have my share of stories on here as it stands and tend to get more ideas than I put to paper. Right now I am fighting for the productive writing time to get a good contest entry for the current EQD contest while not doing what I did before to DPGCMC. I do not want to have any more long hiatuses with that fic. I mean I know what will be in chapters 9 through 13, it is just making it happen.

despite best tries
by beast and man
we return alone
to death again

burma shave

This was a very well-written and excellent story. I'm glad I decided to click on the link on EqD while at work to alleviate my boredom (office jobs... yay...).

I think the best thing about this story is how in-character this would be for an aging Rainbow Dash. I could absolutely, 100% see her acting like this when she's older. I'm not sure what age you had in mind for how old she is now, but given that even Scootaloo's starting to gray and wrinkle, she has to be in her late sixties/early seventies at the least.

I'm not one for figuring out how to write glowing praises of stories, but know that this is very high up there on my list, and you've earned yourself a favorite and a follow. Keep up the good work!

4761118

I... absolutely love this idea. The final flight thing, I mean. I hope you don't mind if I adopt it into my headcannon and possibly fool with it in some stories here and there. To me, it makes sense, given how the pegasus spirit is inherently more 'alive' than the other races of ponies. In my stories, I've set forth that pegasi generally have shorter lives than the other races of ponies.

An excerpt from one of my stories, where two pegasi are talking to each other:

“What do we normally live to be, sixty at most? And that’s from old age, too. The unicorns live to be around eighty or ninety, and the earth ponies easily post triple digit numbers. But I guess that’s in our nature; live fast, live hard, and don’t regret anything when your time comes. Our lives are too short for that.”

I think Rainbow Dash in this story did just that: live fast, live hard, and regret nothing. So once again, I have to applaud the author for this masterpiece. I hope your posting on EqD gets you many new favorites and followers; you've earned them.

Ante Legionem nihil erat, et nihil erit post Legionem.
24

4814510

Go ahead and use the final flight. It definitely does suit the pegasi far better than fading away. A pegasus in a rocking chair just offends the senses.

I'm guessing it's implied that Fluttershy has already passed? Her cottage is gone, and when Twilight talks about their friends having ponies to look after them, Fluttershy isn't mentioned.

This is a VERY rough story.

It feels like a first draft, with very little in the way of nuance and lacking in the type of literary detail that adds emotional depth to this sort of tale.

And, there are events mentioned without frame of reference, detail, or context.

A prime example: "You know, with the unification, and all the treaties that have to be signed."

What unification is Twilight talking about? Treaties with whom? It's pointless to mention something like that without any infomation as to what it's in regard to. The scene doesn't require it at all; it adds nothing and only brings up questions with no answers that distract from the story's sole purpore: KILL RAINBOW DASH. (At least, that seems to be the purpose...)

Her death scene is very bland and emotionless as well, relying so heavily on the trite cliche "I feel sooooo cold" that is actually made me crack a smile.

I just heard! Equestria Daily! Congratulations!

It's decent as a story, granted that I'm sure I've read a half dozen with similar plots. The ending is a little trite and a bit unsubtle, partly because the story seems to rush headlong toward it's ending. It'd be nice to have Twilight show herself as a pony with a brain sometimes though, she shouldn't be the one talking to Dash about that sort of thing, even if the best decision is to let Dash go. After all, she's the immortal pony who's never going to die, or at least is going to live a pretty long life. She shouldn't make someone's last years miserable just to prolong her own happiness and lengthen the time before she has to say goodbye.

Personally I don't hold with the whole pegasi have shorter lives unless you mean that in the sense that their thrill-seeking and risk taking habits tend to lead to more injuries and wearing out their body faster and result in an early death. So it's less then about intrinsic survivability than it is about personality. So you'd expect there might be a few overly cautious and fairly long-lived pegasi out there. Maybe ones that suffered traumatic flight incidents when they were younger and were never as excited about flying skills/stunts thereafter.

4814510
For what it's worth I'd say Rainbow would potentially have missed out on some things in live due to her actions that I would expect to leave a real person with some regrets. A lot of stories (especially this kind) paint her as never having any love interests or fillies/foals (or at least gloss over such). So, she comes off as a bit flat/unreal in that regard.

4811959
Not heard of Burma Shave before. That's pretty neat.


4814510
Thank you! I tried to make this a story about Rainbow Dash's reaction to death (and old age), so that comment's right on the money. (And a specific comment like that is way more valuable than generic glowing praise, so thank you again!)

4814626
My inclination is to be difficult and say "you decide". But yeah, I think that's the most likely interpretation.

4815848
Literary details? Could you be a little more, uh, detailed about what's missing?

4816157
Thanks!

4827232
Hm. Fair enough. I don't have a good response, but you raise some interesting points. Thanks for the feedback!

4833541 There is a complete lack of relevancy for many things mentioned. i gave one example in the previous comment.

It does no good to make mention of events for which there is no context given to the reader as to what those events are or how they relate to the current story.

The story itself could use a bit more exposition to add some mood and tone to what's taking place. Settings and lighting and so forth help with that, as do character actions and descriptions of their expressions and emotional tone of voice.

Hey, I wrote a review for this fic. In case you are interested, it can be found here.

Overall, I found it god, but despite the bleak ending, it didn't stick with me too much. It is saved by the bunch of interesting concepts it presents.

5210317

Thanks for the feedback! I think you're right -- the story didn't come off quite as poignant as I'd hoped it would.

I literally had no idea a story like this existed, until I saw a video by Dr. Wolf on Youtube where he read it aloud (with some minor censoring, being the psychologist of the brony analysis community and all). And after reading it myself......wow........

Normally, I'd do this with my usual review style, that being I give a summary of each chapter with some snarky commentary here and there, before giving my final honest opinion. But given the nature of this story in particular, I'm going to throw sarcasm to the wind and go straight to the final review and grading system.

At first, it took me a while to realize that this story was written from the POV of an elderly Rainbow Dash. When I did figure it out, I realized that this was a story about knowing one's own limits and when to finally settle down. This is something that, while not my favorite topic to talk about, and something that would likely never happen on the show (target demographic being what it is), is definitely an important lesson to learn for adults who are approaching..."that age."

Grammar, spelling, and punctuation are flawless, and Rainbow Dash is definitely in-character here, and while I find it a bit jarring that Hailstone would go out of his way to call Rainbow a...what words did he use?

some aging, decrepit has-been.

Yeah, that. Don't...you think it's a bid harsh?

As for Hailstone ... well, he's certainly no diplomat.
---Scramblers and Shadows, reply to Sypher

.......Eh, point granted.

I can see two messages in here, one being a message about knowing your own limits, and another being a basic travelling tip: never travel alone. (Let's face it; trying a stunt could end with similar results, I don't care how old you are.) Both of which are lessons that, at some point, we either learn the hard way or they are hammered into our skulls at an early age. Rainbow was unable - or unwilling - to learn these lessons, and it ultimately cost her her life.

If Rainbow Dash would ever leave this world, it would be in a way similar to what is depicted here. (Or in an accident at a younger age, but that's beside the point.) The only alternate ending I'd pick would be that Rainbow is found and she dies in a hospital bed with her friends by her side. But to die cold and alone......:fluttercry:.......

I don't really like sadfics. But let's face it; the Mane Six are eventually going to die, as are we all. The question is, how will they leave this world? And I'd say this gave Rainbow Dash a *very* believable end with two *very* applicable morals. And that's good enough for me.

Final Ratings:
Story: B- (8.1)
Writing: A (9.7)
Moral: A (9.6)
Ending: A (9.4)

Overall: A- (9.2)

I'm Sunlight Blaze......:fluttercry:........and here's the music I played while doing this review......*sniffle*

5474082

That was ace. Thank you for the review. It's always nice to see interpretations of my stories.

Alright Boulder, just take a seat over in the corner there. Now, I know you didn't want to come to Take Your Kid to Work Day, especially since you're not my kid. But Maud asked me to do something with you, and you got your Joyboy, right? Cool, go play some Rockmare while I hammer this review out. We'll go out for fresh rock salt ice cream later.

Ahem, greetings and salutations. My name is TOM from WRITE, and I'm settling in to review The Stormclouds Beneath Your Hooves. Complete and sitting a smidge above 3k in length spread over three chapters, I expect nothing less than solid mechanics, great characterization and a well-constructed tale.

I would hop into mechanics first, but honestly, I couldn't find much to ding you on in this story other than what I told you of already, which are basically a few missing periods. Barring those, your story is cleaner than polished marble.

So with that out of the way, I'll crack into the meat of my review: plot analysis and characterization.

Chapter one paints a dark stage of a Rainbow Dash thickly in denial over the one thing she won't fully admit is slowing her down: old age. Her knee's busted, her wings are stiff boards, and everypony seems to be going on and on about how brittle and helpless she looks, and how much Rainbow HATES that that's how everyone sees her.

As such, her stubborn, dogged determination to outshine the younguns drives her onward, even to the point of egged-on conflict in regards to joining the weather team, and bitterness towards a very concerned Twilight Sparkle.

It's very much in character to me. So strong is her hubris in this that she clings to whatever shreds of pride remain in her much in the way of a distraught small child clinging onto a parent's leg after hearing them say they're leaving for good. It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

But in reading this first segment, one small statement bothered me.

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be active. There's no fun in relaxing if there's nothing to contrast it with.

Either Rainbow Dash is lying to herself, or her senile memory kicked in for this bit, because I know exactly what she would do if she wasn't being active.

She would be reading. That's her contrast. What to do when not flying? Napping, or settling down to a nice Daring Do novel. That is RD in a nutshell. For a pony who stubbornly refuses to settle down believing there's nothing to do once she does, she conveniently forgets the one thing she did in the hospital when she injured her wing.

This makes the conversation with Twilight, who introduced her to that series, all the more baffling to read. Granted, the anger was spot-on, but even in that I saw no mentioning of the books between two of the most dedicated fans at all! That is where her characterization falls short.

Reading the subsequent chapters provide a few moments of pause for thought, however.

The second chapter hits with a broken wing after a tumble, which implies she hit the ground. Yet she tells me that she flew up a hundred metres with a searing leg and one working wing to her cloud. Right. Sure she did, and I can rocket up hills and mountains without so much as scuffing my face.

Well, she's on the cloud, and she chooses to, uh, do nothing while on it. Wasn't she complaining about not knowing what to do if she wasn't active? She even has a good wing, and passes over a thought of trying to push the cloud with it. Nah.

Well, in this case, what DOES she do? Complain, lament, feel remorse, and drown herself in memories recent and past due. Then she spots a pony on the field coming toward her, and does what she can to flag him down. Sort of.

Like, she wants help. She gets past her swollen mass of pride to know that as a fact. She's probably shaking a hoof or flapping a wing feebly trying to get this guy to notice that she's fallen and she can't get up.

See, this is why Lifealert exists.

But to the point, now her priorities clash between her getting out of this mess herself, or getting help however she can. Again her hubris reminds of her of her weakness, but then says she can get out of this mess without help. But she also knows its okay to ask for help, and yet somewhere in her addled mind, she equates asking, even accepting help, as something weak and not cool for her to do.

Foolish thinking of a foolishly foolish mare, especially of the one who taught that lesson to her favorite author/idol.

Third chapter pretty much seals her fate to the cold. Outside of a single wingbeat so that the cloud drifts over the forest, Dash does nothing else to fight for her life, banking on someone noticing her even when the farmer below didn't. Tiredness clutches at her firmly, and in such cold weather like this, doom is all but certain, as far as I know.

And even then she still believes that all she'll get from the ones that care about her if she were saved is condescendence and pity. Such is the nature of a twisted old mind that can turn the most legitimate care and concern into thoughts of ill will and dick moves.

I refuse to be helpless. It's a matter of pride.

All I can do is just shake my head at how far she's fallen in old age. Because when you get old enough, pride becomes meaningless and foolhardy.

And Rainbow Dash will likely never learn that lesson.

Alright, time to summarize this review.

Mechanics

Solid construction throughout the piece. The few hiccups I found didn't hamper my reading in the slightest.

Plot

Reasonable to follow for the most part. I have my points of contention in two areas, most notably her convenient lack of book reading, but otherwise no issues.

Style

Unreliable narrator at its finest. Her stubborn nature shines through just about every word.

Characterization

The supporting cast in this story acted just as I thought they should. Dash is slightly lacking because she's part-egghead, and that's not shown in this.

Final Thoughts

Rainbow Dash can certainly talk the talk, but she can't walk the walk. Maybe due to her spotty memory. Gods know I hate mine.

And that's the end of my review. Questions? Concerns? Feel free to drop me a PM. Until then, this is TOM, WRITE's Delusional Diamond, rolling out.

Whew, finished. C'mon Boulder, let's get you that ice cre--

What do you mean you want gelato? That's expensive! And imported! And--

NOPE, there's no need to call Maud. I'll get you that gelato. Just put the phone down.

5572278

Thank you so much for the review. Honestly, it was a pleasure to read and had pretty much everything I could ask for.

And speaking of spotty memories ... yeah, Dash being a reader totally slipped my mind. My bad.

Uh ... I think that's all I have to say. So thanks again!

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Very nice, a solid and believable old Rainbow Dash. I have to ask who Cortland is; that kind of threw me for a loop.

5772125

Thanks!

Cortland's scene is meant to mimic Hailstone's in its underlying structure. He's Dash's opposition, leaving Scootaloo to choose between them -- except in this case she sides with him instead of Dash.

From the name I'd guess he's one of the Apple Family.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

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But what's his significance? Is he Scootaloo's boyfriend or something?

5776845
To be honest, I don't know. I figured being a close friend of Scootaloo -- or perhaps involved with the weather team somehow -- is enough in-story reason for him to be there.

I know this is going to be a little dramatic but...

Miss Rainbow Dash. How dare you. How DARE you.
It is understandable if you refuse to be seen in that way by the other ponies. Not entirely forgivable, but understandable.

You did NOT just let your stupid PRIDE get the better of you when it came to Scootaloo.
She has been so supportive of you, so caring, so loving to you, as a (pseudo) younger sister. Letting yourself go, without the slightest concern for HER feelings. That is just unforgivable.

It doesn't matter how disappointed she would be after she found out about your recklessness. It doesn't even matter how they ALL feel about your recklessness.

How DARE you have the slightest intent on not letting her have her final goodbyes.

How DARE you not consider how valuable your life is in the eyes of her.

You... I need to go read a fanfic with an RD with more redeeming qualities.

Also, what you said to Twilight... That's a low blow. Reeeeeeeaaally low.
She cares for you too.

And so does the rest of the town, actually. Even if you don't wish to go to a home, at least move in with Scootaloo.

(Sigh)
I feel better now.

Damn.......I was stubbornly rooting for RD, now I'm forced to acknowledge that Twilight may be right......Man, I totally sympathize with Scoots here.

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