Chapter One
Chapter 1
Twilight blinked as she awoke to… nothing. Looking around the all the unicorn could see was an expanse of white stretching in every direction.
“Hello? Is anypony out here?” Twilight called out taking a couple nervous steps forward and breathing a sigh of relief to feel something solid beneath her hooves. “Where am I?”
WE ARE WITHIN YOUR MIND TWILIGHT SPARKLE. WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE FOR A PURPOSE…
Twilight gave a shout and ducked down beneath her hooves as the words seemed to come from everywhere leaving her ears ringing. It was the human’s voice again; only instead of being a voice that would echo within her head this one echoed loudly from all around. It reminded her of the Royal Canterlot Voice that Princess Luna had used during Nightmare Night.
“My apologies Twilight Sparkle, it has been so long since I have used magic, and even longer since I have used this spell.” The voice called out again, this time it sounded like the speaker was right beside her. Peeking out from beneath her hooves she saw… the human.
He looked exactly the same as back in the chamber, only the stone that had encased him was gone. His clothing was of a dark color, almost black but there was a tinge of blue to it. The creature’s skin was a dark brown and upon it numerous arcane tattoos were etched.
“Get away. I… I don’t want to hurt you!” Twilight called out getting back up on her hooves as she tried to prepare a spell to defend herself “What?” her magic was gone, frowning in concentration she tried to cast prepare the spell again only to come up with nothing.
“You need not worry Twilight, I'm not here to harm you,” the human replied raising his hands palms up trying to reassure the pony; the gesture was lost on Twilight who didn’t understand and continued to try and draw upon her magic “As for you magic you can’t use it here. A side effect of my spell it seems”
Twilight returned her attention to the human as yet again she failed to produce a spell. “Why… why have you brought me here?” she finally said giving up trying to escape for now.
“To learn,” the human replied as he looked at her. “You wanted to find about the dark ages? That book you wanted would certainly explain everything to you but I think my method would be more informative and enlightening.”
“Why should I trust you,” Twilight retorted, she was starting to grow angry at this creature “You attacked and kidnapped me!”
“Did I? As I said Ms. Sparkle we are within your mind, your body is still within the chamber.” The man replied raising an eyebrow in amusement. “And as for my intrusion into your mind I apologize. You were going to run away and leave me alone again before I could say anything and make you my offer.”
“Offer? “ the unicorn replied in confusion as she relaxed a little bit at the humans apology. She still didn’t trust him but for now she had no choice but to listen.
“A chance to actually see what you wanted to learn; to experience first hand, er hoof, what happened after your ancestors moved to Equestria.” The human explained. Experience the Dark Ages herself? The idea was very tempting to Twilight but why should she believe this human?
“Why should I trust you? Why can’t I just learn everything from that book?” The unicorn asked.
“When I wrote that book Ms. Sparkle I was a very angry man; while informative the book is also misleading and highly opinionated against your kind. Since I was encased in stone I have had time to rethink my actions and realized that perhaps everything is not what it seemed for me. What I offer you is the option to see the past without bias so you can form your own opinion.” the human answered. Twilight still wasn’t sure whether to trust him; he didn’t seem evil but why would Celestia have imprisoned him unless he was a threat?
“And if I say no?”
“Then I’ll let you go on your way,” Twilight’s head shot up at that answer, he would just let her go? She could check the book then and if he was telling the truth Twilight could return to get the whole story couldn’t she? ”But if you do you will not be able to accept my offer at another time. I used the last of my magic to create this link between us and won’t be able to do it again,” the man continued crushing Twilights hopes. “If it helps you decide you may choose to leave at any time even in the middle of what I show you.”
“What are you going to do?” the unicorn asked as she began to pace back and forth, the sound of her steps echoing in the void.
“I will show you memories, from both my people and yours. They are unaltered so you can see the events of that time unfold and form your own opinions,” The human replied following Twilight’s pacing. What kind of magic did this human possess to be able to pass on memories like that? She had never heard of anypony being able to take another pony’s memories and show them to someone else.
Stopping Twilight returned her attention to the human. Provided he wasn’t lying, there was no reason for her to refuse his offer. And if she didn’t like what she saw she could leave.
“Alright, I accept.” She said finally, this was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up, a chance to see the dark ages with her own eyes? Who else could claim to have done the same?
“Excellent,” the man’s face broke into a smile, relieved that she had accepted his offer. “Then we shall start from the beginning!”
“Wait! Um, can you first tell me what exactly humans are?” Twilight quickly said before the human could do anything. “I mean, how many of you were there? And where did you live? Did you all have magic? What did-“ she stopped as the sound of laughter entered her ears, he was laughing at her!
“An inquisitive one aren’t you Ms Sparkle,” he said a moment later “I am fortunate then that you were the first pony to visit me, very well then. ” Twilight blushed a little at his words before sitting down to listen to what the human had to say.
“Our empire was a large one, stretching from our coastal capital Helmsguard to what is now Canterlot. To the west was the ancient Griffon kingdom, and across the ocean we had begun establish small colonies in what is now called Zebrica. It was really the beginning of a golden age for my people.
It wasn’t always like this however. Only one hundred years previously humanity had been ruled by tyrants. Like all creatures in Equestria we are able to use magic, but unlike ponies very few humans had the gift. These men saw themselves as superior to the rest of my species and used their powers to rule as warlords for countless generations. Eventually the masses banded together and overthrew their rule, and united together to form the Confederacy of Free Provinces. It was the largest empire the world has ever seen.
But what of magicians like me? While the tyrants and monsters who had once ruled were all killed, some Magi had sided with the rebels and went on to create a new order for our kind in the government. While still distrusted some also served as healers and scientists alongside their regular human counterparts. Others would put their talents to use in the new Confederate Legion” The human paused as he noticed a small look of confusion the unicorns face
“Confederate Legion… But how can that be? If your species had such a massive presence in the world why is there no evidence?” Twlight wondered trying to comprehend it, and why did they all disappear?
“Ah, but there is evidence,” he replied with a smile “Consider all the devices and objects in Equestria that you ponies use every day. Devices that seem so ill suited for hooves such as your cups, doors, or utensils. They were designed to be used with hands not hooves.” Twilight’s eyes widened at the realization. It had certainly never occurred to her but she used magic to manipulate objects like that.
“But why did you disappear then?” Twilight asked.
A sad look appeared on the humans face, “I’m not sure. I had suspected it for a long time after my imprisonment but only learned when you showed up.” Twilight nodded feeling bad for him. He had just learned that his species didn’t exist anymore. “Anyway Twilight Sparkle, shall we begin?” Twilight nodded in response eager to begin.
“Then we will start at the beginning, a time just after the event you know as Hearths Warming when the three tribes began to immigrate to Equestria” With that the human began to fade as the white light around them began to shine brighter and brighter. Twilight blinked as she realized something.
“Wait! I don’t know your name!” she called out, the lights almost blinding now.
“You may call me William...”
Twilight Sparkle blinked as she the world shifted and she found herself standing in a tent. The sun from outside was shining in illuminating a human covered only by a thin sheet. His --Twilight assumed the human was male—his head was covered in long curly black hair, and on his chin she could see what might be a beard. Moving quietly Twilight moved around the humans sleeping form to get a closer look at his face before cringing. He definitely had a beard, but that smell! Judging from the small coating of dirt that covered the humans pale skin and his unkempt hair Twilight figured it had been days if not weeks since the human had bathed.
“Joseph? You awake?” a voice called out from outside causing Twilights eyes to widen, there were more of them? Where had William sent her? What would they do when they found her? The unicorns mind churned with thoughts both horrible and worrisome as she tried to think of what was going to happen to her.
“Oi, get off your fat rump and get out here, something’s come up” the voice called out again, a moment later Twilight watched as the other human, Joseph she assumed, began to stir.
“Fine! Dammit Bragg… Cant a guy just get some rest in paradise?” the man replied, annoyed, before pulling himself out of his cot. The sight caused Twilight to freeze, were those animal furs? To her horror she realized they were, the man was clad in barbarian clothing made of dead animals. Twilight wasn’t sure what his reaction to her presence in his tent would be but she was sure it wouldn’t be pretty.
Joseph yawned again clearing his eyes before crawling out of the tent, his complete disregard for Twilights presence only confusing the mare. Why didn’t he see her? Maybe he was just too sleepy to notice? No, it was the spell William had used. These were memories and it wouldn’t make sense if she could influence what was happening just by being there.
“Wha?”The unicorn’s thoughts were interrupted as she felt a force push her out of the tent following the human. Twilight winced as her eyes adjusted to the sunlight outside, she seemed to be in the middle of the forest, looking around she saw another human standing just a couple meters away from her. He seemed to be preparing what seemed to be a bow and arrow.
The other man, Bragg, was attired similarly to Joseph. He seemed to have a larger build compared to Joseph, and unlike his companion his hair was red. Then there were his eyes, Twilight knew she had seen eyes like those before, but where?
“No, we’re heading out. Victor hasn’t come back yet from checking the traps and we’re going to go and find him," Joseph sighed as he watched the younger man grab his bow and arrow before looking over at him. “Well? Grab your sword and let’s go!” Joseph just continued to stand there with a bemused expression on his face.
“How long has he been missing?” Joseph asked before walking over to a large fallen tree and sitting on it. Twilight found herself pushed again beside the man. The forest reminded her allot of the Everfree forest, wild and untamed.
“He was supposed to be back an hour ago, I think.” Bragg paused for a moment to look up at the sky in thought before nodding. “Yeah, I think that’s right.” Joseph just sighed before looking reaching over to grab his sword.
“Fine… But if it’s nothing you’re taking my watch shift tonight understand? Now come on…” Joseph replied before heading off. The three walked in silence for a time with the older man keeping his eyes on his surroundings. While the situation was probably not one for alarm, Joseph moved stealthily and seriously. After all, if by some slim chance Victor was in trouble he wanted to be sure that he didn’t stumble into anything.
They continued on for what seemed like a half hour before Joseph raised a hand telling the other man to stop. Twilight looked around wondering why they had stopped before hearing Joseph speak.
“I’ve got another set of tracks here. And…” Whispering, Joseph pointed over at a patch of forest floor that looked disturbed. “Fighting, looks like someone, or something got the jump on him” he muttered again before casting a couple wary glances around making sure they were still alone. Twilight trotted over to the small clearing to get a better look. There was blood on the ground which meant that either Victor or his assailant was wounded, but she saw no bodies… Meaning that whatever it was Victor was now a prisoner, or a meal.
“Was it… was it the Legion?” Bragg muttered; his eyes rooted at the spot Joseph had indicated the fight had taken place.
“No… Look here. The assailants’ tracks aren’t human.” He replied looking down at some mud, Twilight took a couple steps back to give the human room before looking at the tracks again. They were oddly familiar, but Twilight had no skill at tracking,
“Griffon?” Bragg asked causing Joseph to sigh in annoyance. Twilight shook her head in agreement with the black haired human. These marking were not those of a griffon but of a… pony? Twilight frowned as she realized this, a pony had attacked Victor? Or had it been self defense? She could sense some faint magical residue so a unicorn was probably involved.
“Zebra…” Joseph replied quietly. A zebra? Twilight frowned, what in Celestia’s name caused this man to think it was a zebras. They seldom left Zebrica and never traveled this far north into Equestria. Twilight shook her head as she thought about it, William had mentioned that the humans had been colonising Zebrica, maybe that explained it. Zebra and Pony physiology was very similar, and if these humans knew nothing about ponies. Joseph and Bragg thinking Victor’s attacker was a zebra was a logical, if incorrect, assumption.
“Ze- No way! How can one of those be out here?” Bragg blurted out. The man fell silent for a few moments, then muttered, almost to himself “We… We should leave.”
Joseph frowned and turned around to face the other man, a look of anger on his face. “What? Why? It's just a single Zebra. Besides its Vic, we're not just going to leave him. He might be a murdering son of a bitch but he’s one of us.” He replied with a glare that said there would be no room for discussion on the topic. The other man just nodded, but there was obviously something bothering him. Again Twilight pondered that look in his eyes, she now knew where she had seen it before. The royal guards around Celetia’s palace, it was the look of a soldier…
“Now, come on,” He grumbled before setting off following the hoof prints and blood. Twilight just shook her head and followed the pair. She was wondering why the unicorn was bothering to bring the human. Maybe Victor was injured and the unicorn wanted to try and help it.
Again, the pair traveled in silence with Twilight following, until Joseph stopped them again to show Bragg more tracks. It appeared that the Unicorn had been joined by more ponies.
“Alright, we’re just going to scout them out, if these tracks are any indication there’s probably at least a dozen of them. We’re gonna have to use stealth; I don’t know about you but I don’t want to face a bunch of those things to rescue Vic.” Joseph muttered to Bragg. The other man nodded in agreement before pointing at a small plume of smoke rising up from the treeline on the other side of the clearing.
“We'll move up on that ledge there, it should give us a view of their camp.” Twilight watched as the two moved silently towards the small hill Joseph had indicated. Twilight paused for a moment to get a view of the landscape; they seemed to be in the mountains north of Canterlot. Near where Fillidelphia was located if the landmarks were anything to go by. Her thoughts were once again interrupted when she felt that same force pulling her towards Joseph. The two were crawling on their bellies up the hill. Twilight kept pace right beside Joseph and peered over the ledge with him to get a view of the smoke.
It wasn’t a camp, it was a small village. The smoke they had seen earlier was coming from a central building around which smaller buildings were built. A wooden wall surrounded them all, and from what Twilight could see a bunch of pegasi keeping guard causing the unicorn to smile. Her guesswork was right, there were no zebras and she seemed to be looking at the village that would one day become Fillydelphia. Twilight glanced over at Joseph with a small satisfied smile as she watched the man try to understand what he was seeing.
“Those are not zebras…” Joseph muttered before looking over at the other man to find… he was gone. Twilight frowned as she realized the same. Where had Bragg disappeared to?
“Bragg? Where the-" all thoughts of stealth thrown aside, Joseph got up and looked around for the other man but it seemed like he had disappeared into thin air. “You damn coward! When I find you I’m gon-“ He didn’t even finish as he was tackled to the ground from behind. Twilights eyes widened as she got a look at the attacker; a pegasus! His coat was white he was wearing a full set of bronze armor. From what she could tell from beneath his plumed helmet his mane was a light blue. Twilight smiled a bit as she realized he looked very much like her older brother, if he had been born a pegasus instead of a unicorn that is.
With a grunt Joseph threw the pony off him and took up a fighting stance. His hand reached down towards his waist to try and grab his sword only to find it was missing. Joseph started to look for his sword forcing him to break his gaze away from the Pegasus. What a mistake that was. Faster than Twilights eyes could follow, the Pegasus charged forward knocking him to the ground onto his back.
“How the…” Joseph found his words cut off again as he felt a hoof pressing down on his neck, the Pegasus’ face contorted in anger as it slowly strangled the man. For a few more moments Joseph struggled to get free, but he was pinned and losing strength fast. 'Bragg… Where are you?' He thought, before he was finally swept off into unconsciousness and Twilight’s world shifted away from the scene.
Twilight shook herself as the world returned to normal only to stagger back in surprise when Bragg rushed right by her. A moment later she felt herself being dragged along, it seemed the memory she was anchored to was Bragg’s now. Regaining her footing Twilight ran beside him, the humans face was one of exhaustion and fear. Why was he running? Why did he abandon his friend? Twilight didn’t understand what was going on but she noticed that the look in his eyes from earlier had been replaced with one of outright terror. As he reached the camp Bragg quickly entered his tent to grab his things. Twilight watched as he stuffed his bedroll and a few other items into a sack. A few minutes later the man exited the tent only to find he was no longer alone.
All around him, twenty other men wearing the shining steel breastplates stood, half of them holding bows aimed at Bragg, the other half standing in a defensive stance holding swords and shields. Painted on their shields was the image of a small red icon similar to a flower the meaning of which Twilight did not know but she could see that Bragg recognized them. While most of the humans wore wool caps those with swords and shields were had odd angular domed metal helmets.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Bragg's eyes focused on the only man of the group not holding a weapon, most likely their officer. "By order of the Senate you are under arrest for crimes against the Confederacy” the man continued obviously amused. His face was clean shaven and angular with no noticeable hair at all, but Twilight couldn’t be sure because of the helmet upon his head.
“Bind him and bring him with us. Lord Rorik going to want to see him before we ship him south for trial” Twilight watched as a couple soldiers approached Bragg and the world faded away.
Twilight was in the void again; nearby she could see William watching her with interest. He seemed to be smiling slightly at the unicorn’s confused expression.
“Well?” the man asked with a small grin. Twilight stood there for a moment her mind processing the information.
“What… what was that?” she managed to finally say after a few moments.
William gave a light chuckle before replying “That Ms.Sparkle was the first moment in history where your species met mine; not with warm words and open arms of friendship but instead with violence.” He answered before turning away from Twilight to look out into the white expanse.
Twilight trotted up beside him frowning, so that’s what she had seen? The first encounter ponykind had with a human? She had not expected it to be pleasant but the truth was surprising.
“Well, perhaps that is not completely true. The man Victor, his encounter with the unicorn Radiant was earlier that of Joseph.” William then muttered, Twilight nodded in agreement before turning to look at the dark skinned man.
“Who were those men?” She asked. Bragg, Victor, Joseph, they didn’t seem at all like those soldiers who had appeared in Braggs memories. Where the soldiers had been seemed more refined and discipline the three other humans seemed like barbarians in comparison.
“Outcasts from our society, criminals,” William answered turning to look into the unicorns eyes. “Joseph was a thief from Brightspire, a small woodland province north of our capital. He had been on the run for a few months before he met the other two and fled north into the Frontier” Twilight nodded trying to understand what William said. It certainly made sense, Joseph`s passage through the forest had been in almost complete silence, and his tracking abilities seemed to imply a past as a hunter.
"And the other two?” Twilight asked wishing for William to continue.
“Victor,” William paused shaking his head “Victor was a convicted murderer,“ Twilight gasped at the revelation. Murder was a somewhat alien notion to her; sure they happened in Equestria but they were extremely rare. William only sighed “Yes. He had been sentenced to death in the Capitol but had somehow managed to escape. I wish I could say more about him but I was never able to recover any memories from him.” Twilight only shivered; these two men were the only examples of humanity that the Equestrians had, it was not a good sign.
“Lastly, Bragg… Bragg Telmon was a soldier of the Legion and had served overseas defending the Confederate colonies. He had lost his entire platoon to a zebra raid which also scarred him mentally. A few days after returning to the Legion to give his report he boarded the first boat back to the CFP and deserted the Legion. He would then head north and found Joseph and Victor almost by accident. Bragg never told the other two about his past but did find a place with them and earning their respect.”
Twilight nodded finally understanding why Bragg had looked so terrified. He had thought that zebras were close by and panicked, Twilight couldn’t imagine what kind of trauma the man had endured to cause that kind of a reaction.
“So Ms.Sparkle, what are your thoughts on what I have shown you?” William then asked snapping Twilight from her thoughts. What did she think?
“I… I don’t know. This is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before” She muttered breaking her gaze from William to look out into the white void. The things she was learning were completely new to her and really she wanted to know more. It was like a good book, she didn’t want it to stop. “But I want to continue. I need to know more about what happened. Do you have any memories from my side of meeting? From the pony side I mean?” She then asked looking back at William hoping desperately that he would say yes.
“Of course I do. It’s important that a historian learn the truth from both sides of the story” he replied smiling. “The next two memories are those of two important ponies of that age. One is from the unicorn I mentioned before, Ms Radiant. The other is that of a pegasus whose name I think you may recognize, a Lieutenant Pansy?”
Twilights eyes widened at the name. “The Pansy? Adjutant to Commander Hurricane?“ she asked ecstatically. Private Pansy was one of the founders of Equestria! “Wait, Lieutenant?”
William nodded smiling at the unicorns excitement “Yes. After the events of Equestria’s founding and the migration south into the new lands Private Pansy was promoted quite a few times, especially after Commander Hurricane disappeared. The pegasus government was looking for a new icon to lead the military and wanted Pansy to fill that role.. Fortunately he was able to get a posting far south in Fillydelphia where it would be difficult for them to control him.” Twilight listened attentively frowning only for a moment as William mentioned Commander Hurricane disappearing
“What happened to Commander Hurricane?” the other revelation that Pansy was male she could understand. The story of Hearths Warming Eve was ancient and she was not surprised some of the facts had changed.
“No one knows. From what I understand she disappeared soon after the Second Harmonic council,” he replied only serving to confuse Twilight more. “Anyway I think we should begin… The memories you will be observing are taken about 10 years after the first ponies moved to Equestria,” The human continued before he started to fade away again.
“Wait!! What’s the Second Harmonic Council!?” Twilight yelled out as the lights shined brighter and brighter before finally engulfing everything.
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Right, sorry for the delay but finally I'm getting this show on the road
Hope you all like it
It's been so long I forgot the plot to this.
Heh. Plot.
HAVE A DASHIE
i.imgur.com/Hf7DQ.gif
Nice job.....looks like shit's about to hit the fan
Well this is going to get interesting.
Epic. Humans find out about ponys, legion got game, and that other guy, joespth, is screwed by the pounds. Good job and get the next chapter finshed. Godspeed and goodluck
This is really cool, great work.
Oh right. This is back when the pegasi were more of a warrior race (such an odd thing to hear ponies equated with).....Oh by Celestia's fat flanks, I think I see where this is going. Pegasi are aggressive warriors and unicorns believe they are better because they control the sun and moon ( I still want to know how Luna and Celestia fit into that story in canon) whereas the humans mistrust magicians with such an attitude.
Cool so far. Not sure what's going on other than one guy is missing, one is being taken away, and one is knocked out, but I like the prospects of this. Keep up the good work!
470458
While not wanting to spoil things too much i think you'll find in the next chapter that Unicorns have been taken down a few pegs. And yeah, humans have a deep distrust of magic that kinda dug itself deep into their psyche. They still have magic users but they are kept at a distance (kinda understandable when they used to rule like tyrants)
----SPoilers---- (Kinda :P )
As for the Alicorn sisters dont expect much about them anytime soon. Part 2 will have them, part one is mostly about the joining, unification and whole hooblah when the two species meet. Part two revolves around Discord, and Part three is the Nightmare wars
470563
*Coughspoileralertsortofcough*
This is extremely cool. Portrayed in a great way with action to boot. Great job!
I know this is supposed to be serious, but I couldn't help but laugh when the guy ran away and thought. (he was still afraid the Zebras would one day come for him to finish the job)
No offense against you or the story, i just can't read that without laughing
Yet another amazing chapter
Sincerely the Doctor
470274 this is my 4th favorite fic on this site
has a chance to be 3rd but ill need to read the hole fic first
Ooooo, I like the look of where this is going.
i have a feeling there was some great war but how would humans lose unless they left but I'm pretty sure 2 legs 2 arms awesome armor magic and machines would win against ponys I'm pretty sure 1 can take at least 5 down
Here comes the epic. Good job can't wait for more.
this is good please do not stop it any time soon
for if you do, you will be in for a tirade of impavid amplitude suffused with a superfluity of periphrastic phraseology
Isnt a human stronger than a pony? At least these kind of ponies?
471296 Says who? Pegasi, at this point, are the pony's army. They have to be strong, because they have to fight the monsters and other things who eat ponies.
Most likely humans are stronger then earth ponies in a straight up fight where they are prepared and human mages are stronger then unicorns in combat. Pegasi however can fly and humans most likely can't at least without a spell, so they would hold a slight advantage there. These guys were basically caught with their pants down and zero understanding of what ponies are, so it isn't a surprise they folded over easily.
472919 Also consider that the two men who got beat up are nothing but criminals living alone. One is a thief and the other is a serial murderer, only one with any sort of combat experience is Bragg and he has serious ptsd issues with anything resembling a zebra
Halfway done chapter two so yeah...
EDIT: Also humans are about the same as ponies in the strength department. With earth ponies being a bit tougher and pegasi weaker but making up for it in agility. If you've ever spent time around a horse or a pony in real life you'll find they are incredibly strong creatures
Nice chapter. Good to know the next one is well on it's way too. I was wondering if you were still working on this.
Ow. Fuck, that was a pain.
Okay, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Get yourself a damn proofreader, or edit your own work to something better than this crap. Your technical errors in this chapter are far more abundant and much more noticeable, and made the entire thing a pain to read. So, for the sake of emphasis through repetition, get yourself a damn proofreader!
Secondly, your use of cliches is...tiring. At best, this story is unoriginal. At worst, the cliches themselves define the story and the characters, which would explain why the characters are so shallow. Yuck.
Continuing, you leave out far too many details for this to be considered particularly well-written, even ignoring your errors. Where's some decent background info? Some interesting flashback? A more detailed explanation of who the fuck these idiots camping out in the woods are? Background info would help this story immensely, because you aren't doing very well with simply thrusting your readers into the world headfirst. Also, your timeline needs more work. Fix it.
471040
...Need I point out that this is occuring in a timeline where humans seem to be in a pre-industrial state, so the machines you worship are unlikely to show up anytime soon? Better yet, hopefully never, as far as this fic goes.
471291
I'd advise that you ignore anything this fellow types from this point forward.
472919
You are a moron, in certain respects. I'd like you to have a look at yourself; tell me, what defensive/sturdy features do you notice about yourself? The correct answer is: nothing. Humans are extremely ill-equiped in terms of natural strengths and advantages. We have no claws or effectively sharp teeth, we are weak relative to most animals in existence, and our bodies have multiple inefficiencies. Our only redeeming quality is our extremely developed intelligence; if we had only our instincts to rely on, with none of our sentient/higher functions to put to use, our species would be doomed to extinction very quickly. The simple fact of the matter is that humans are weak. Your assertion that a human would be capable of taking on an Earth pony is nonsensical, to say nothing of a human taking on a normal, average pony from Earth.
However, I do have some grudging agreement regarding the unicorns vs the mages. Human intellect would grant us an advantage, especially if such was in conjunction with militaristic purposes in mind. However, you mustn't forget that the unicorns are a species that evolved with magic, and use it on a daily basis. They are, by their very nature, magical, and are likely to be much more in tune with that magic than a human. Not to mention that they have their horns to use as a focal point.
473633 what? I was just going to Sheldon-troll him once
guess nopony likes my trolling ways
*runs away*
473668
Kiddo, you really have no idea what real trolling is, do you?
I, for one, am a relatively decent troll when I wish to be. I can be irritating, insulting, arrogant, whatever I feel is necessary to piss others off to the point where they start giving off lulz. Trolling is the art of pissing others off, and laughing at them for getting annoyed; if all else fails, it can make for some interesting debates. A fairly good troll could put anything you've said so far to shame.
Hell, I could put anything you've said so far to shame.
...And no, no one does. The Rarity emote doesn't help, either. -_-;
473633
I do have someone prereading the chapters, but as far as the technical errors go both of us must be unaware of them. If you want to give me an idea of what you mean then send me a pm ^^ (Im not asking for a whole proofread, just a couple examples.)
The Cliches: Again i must be missing something. I havn't encountered anything on the site with a similar idea. If your talking about characterization then you may have a point.
Lack of Details: I kinda do this on purpose. Chapter two does have more info provided on the history on the pony side of things. And ill take your suggestions in account.
Also if you could kindly refrain from insulting others here? Calling users morons isn't very nice.
I am rather curious as to why you're commenting here anyway? From what i can tell you seem to despise HiE stories.
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The technical errors largely focus around commas, apostrophes, and various punctuation-related problems. There are some grammatical issues as well, though they aren't quite as severe as the punctuation.
The cliches.... Ugh. Go forth, and read as many HiE fics as you can. You'll understand what I mean, then. It's painful. Characterization was a large part of the cliche issue; I'll admit that this is pretty early in the story, but I don't feel as though your characters hold any particular depth beyond their cliche role. *shrugs*
Quit doing it on purpose, then! The lack of detail makes your story much less appealing, because therein lies a large part of why your characters come off as shallow. Details and descriptions allow for characterization, which relates to the readers the mental state and philosophies of your characters, allowing us to connect to them and their story. The lack of detail only serves to hinder this, at the moment, because your level of writing skill does not yet allow for informative brevity; that is, you aren't at the point where you can convey decent amounts of information about a character without detail/description.
Fair point. I should be much more respectful and use the full spectrum of my insulting skills, since holding back would be quite rude, now wouldn't it? 'Moron' was a bit soft, now that I think about it. What would you suggest? "Dumbass" or "retard?"
Look, I will be bunt. I am usually fairly blunt, but I'll be especially so right now. I do not give a damn what others think of me, and therefore I refuse to censor what I think. In a way, I feel that being as honest as I am about my feelings shows respect for others, because I don't do the whole "lie about how I feel so you can feel good/blunt my annoyance so I don't hurt anyone's feelings" shit. I am honest, and I intend to stay that way, thanks.
Hm. Read my blog, have you? Well, if you have, you already know where I'm coming from; if you really need me to, I'll spell it out for you, but for the moment, I have a story to write. Good day~
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Alright, alright, i can see that. I'm just trying to avoid any possible shouting matches or what have you that may arise from someone taking your words badly. Not so much now since i realized that i can actually delete comments if needed.
Anyway ill take the rest of your comments into consideration, punctuation has always been the bane of my existence which I'm trying to improve upon.
Cheers ^^
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Ah, the delete feature. Never really had a need/use for it, myself, and I honestly doubt I ever will. Frankly, if any of them take what I've said as insulting, I will be slightly surprised, since that wasn't exctly my main intent. If it had been, well, I'm pretty sure we both know what would have transpired.
Try finding another proofreader, since two is better than one, I find.
Good luck~
Why I feel like if the legion was inspried by the Elder Scrolls'?
But anyway, great chapter!
473633 not guns and stuff i mean like magic powder machines
lets just wait and see shall we?
474799 I know -.- I may change the name just because it seems overdone in fiction. Its just that Legion is such an easy name to use
THe army and the CFP is going to be fleshed out more in chapter 3 (i finished chapter 2, just needs proofing).
She could senses some faint magical residue so a unicorn was probably involved.
Near Fillidelphia was located if the landmarks were anything to go by.
1. Sense.
2. Near where Fillidelphia.
across the ocean we had begun establish small colonies across the ocean in what is now called Zebrica.
THE REDUNDANCY HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
Joseph replied before heading off, Twilight deciding to follow them instead of letting the spell to the work for her.
Sorta awkward wording here, and that last 'to' should be 'do.'
but Twilight had no skill at tracking,
This comma should be a period.
Joseph frowned and turned around to face the other man, a look of anger on his face “What? “Why? Its just a single Zebra. Besides its Vic, we're not just going to leave him, he might be a murdering son of a bitch but he’s one of us.” He replied with a glare that said there would be no room for discussion on the topic.
So much wrong with this sentence. First, you need a punctuation mark between 'face' and the beginning of the dialogue. A period would be perfect. Second, you've started your dialogue twice, so remove that second quotation mark. Third, you've used the wrong form of 'its,' you've used the possessive form when you wanted to use the contraction, 'it's.' Fourth, that comma between 'him' and 'he' is a comma splice, you should replace it with another period. Lastly, the end of dialogue is not the end of the sentence when you have a speaker tag like 'he replied' after it. That period should be a comma, and 'he' should not be capitalized.
“Now come on.” He grumbled
Same mistake as the last one on the sentence before. Also, I think there's supposed to be a comma after 'now.'
The Captains going
You've got the plural form of 'Captains' rather than the contraction, 'Captain's.'
the Confederates colonies.
In this case, 'Confederate' is an adjective describing 'colonies,' and therefore does not have an 's' on the end.
also scared him mentally.
I've seen this one online an awful lot. 'Scared' is the past tense of 'scare.' What you meant was 'scarred,' the past tense of 'scar.' Also, the 'also' is unnecessary.
moved to Equestria.” The human continued
Dialogue doesn't necessarily end the sentence.
Well, that's all I found. I agree with that other guy who said for you to get a second prereader, one who can really help you pick out your grammar mistakes. Although, I think he could have stood to be a little less acidic about it.
"I not here to harm you," "I'm"